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There are problems among the siblings. It appears lifelong favoritism of one son is a big issue.


Daughter/D has been asked by mom to go to doctor with Mom and to do the talking.


D thinks Mom may have cancer.


Mom is a hoarder, so estate and other documents may be difficult to locate.


(I, The Sibling, am not a sibling in this situation. In fact, our family's situation is currently in great shape. Mom gets BIG points for taking responsibility and agreeing to move to a nice senior apartment in the city where my brother lives. She is safe, happy and we will celebrate her 90th in a month with a surprise weekend that is all about her.


My Parkinson's is well managed with meds., exercise, etc. I had Deep Brain Stimulation 2 1/2 years ago and am doing well. My brother and experienced, knowledgable sister in law seem to be doing well as primary care providers.)

Why do you think your Aunt may have cancer? Just because she's lost weight?

A geriatric care manager might be a useful person to manage this situation. It sounds as though your Aunt may be more compromised (in terms of mental health/cognitive decline) than previously thought; it also sounds like she's coming around to the idea that a daughter can be a useful sort of adult child to have in one's dotage.

If I were the AED, I'd be building up a head of steam for sure. Her mom's money should be used to hire a GCM to do the heavy lifting.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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TheSibling Nov 7, 2018
Thank you...your insights and suggestions are helpful. I hope they can find a GCM.
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Hang on.

If mother has a favourite son and knowledgable DIL, why is she attending this appointment with her aggrieved eldest daughter? How did that come about?

I see also from your earlier reply that the AED, if I may so term her, has been graciously permitted to do all the work. She is perhaps now building up a fine head of steam about the uselessness and neglectfulness of her spoiled younger brother (who may well have been intentionally kept ignorant of mother's needs, of course - but objectivity and fairness can be the first casualties of the Care Wars).

Are you in a position to bang any heads together with this family, in a good-humoured, kindly way?
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TheSibling Nov 7, 2018
Head banging has its appeal. However, I'm hoping for mercy all around!
Thank you for your input. I suspect that mom is playing the kids.
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Ok, but what kind of help are they looking for? Mom have Dementia? Health problems? Cannot be alone?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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TheSibling Nov 6, 2018
I think the main problem is that the mom and 2 oldest adult children have no trust for each other.
The mom has glaucoma, has lost weight and might have cancer. The daughter will go to the doctor with her mom tomorrow and hopefully find out more. But with the past bad blood, I think they need a neutral person to mediate. I was just asking earlier who might be the right type of professional to help them calmly address the issues.
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Sorry for the confusion.
The elderly parent is my aunt. The adult children are my cousins.
One of the sons has always been mom's favorite. The firstborn daughter was rejected at birth because she wasn't a boy. The 3rd children is a son and has lived across state and appears to have distanced himself from the conflict. The favorite son has been " close" to mom for several years. There is lot of property and money involved. Because of the enmity between the 2 oldest , I'm wondering what kind of professional person needs to be called to be a neutral "mediator" as they move forward.
There might be diagnoses, but the mom is usually very tight lipped with the daughter.
The elder needs food purchased and/or prepared and delivered which the daughter has been doing...and she has cleaned out 2 refrigerators, had the septic tank pumped out and it was LONG overdue , is having the plumbing fixed, etc. The mom just asked the daughter for help 3 weeks ago and is letting the daughter do more than she ever has. Supposedly the favorite son was taking care of things for his mom...but he wasn't.
Is that enough information?
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Sorry, your post is confusing. I am assuming the person you are talking about is a sister? Your the SIL and Mom is SILs Mom?

What kind of help is needed? Looks like there is no diagnosis yet? Really need more info to answer ur question.
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