Feeling guilty. As I have posted before, I have 5 kids, 3 are young. My mom lives behind me and I have been caring on and off for her for many years. The last two have been almost constant. I am burned out and my youngest kids are struggling with all the time grandma is requiring. I finally have hired in three aides. One for an hour in the mornings to get her up and ready. One from 1-3 to help to bathroom and clean house as needed, and one at night to get her to bed. It's weekdays only. I will do weekends. This frees me up to be with my children and visit mom so we can have quality time instead of all my time with her being just to perform daily tasks. And I will still be helping in between as needed. I should be relieved but as its getting closer I am feeling so guilty about it. Am I wrong to hire in help? Am I shirking my duty? I have been feeling so resentful of her needing me all the time and how it is effecting my kids. I feel like this will give mom and I our relationship back as well. But why the guilt?
You did a very positive thing!
This is something we all struggle with at some point in time and it takes a certain mental will and discipline not to get caught up with feeling guilty over doing something that is showing love for our parents AND for ourselves. We simply cannot do it all and be everything to them 24/7. We are not built that way and the costs are often disastrous with loss of self, loss of marriage/relationships and the ultimate loss, death.
It didn't take me long to understand this in my own situation. It's bad enough to feel held hostage by them or others, but then worse when he hold ourselves hostage. We can get away from them, but no escaping ourselves. You need to be well and functioning on all levels for your own health, your family and parent. Not to mention others who dearly love and need you too and want you to be around. I'm learning to take those thoughts captive in Christ.
Please, please, please don't feel bad. Swat those thoughts right away! And do it often:-)
Unless your mother is emotionally blackmailing you, there is no reason for feeling guilty. You are very right in hiring help and that boundary might help your relationship with her.
Frankly, as a mom, your main duty is to your own children. I guess that since you don't mention a husband that must mean you are a single mom which limits your energy and time even more.
How young are your younger ones?
My wife and her sister were basically abandoned by their mother in taking care of her mother and then her aunt. On the other hand, all they experienced from her what the verbal abuse of someone with borderline personality disorder with some very strong narcissistic traits.
While your children need you, you also need to regain balance in your own life so that you can breathe. You are valuable as well. Don't sell yourself short or put yourself under the bus. When do you ever get a chance to do something just for you that you enjoy?
Take care, keep in touch.
Love, prayers and hugs
I was reading your post and trying to figure out the reason for your guilt. Hiring those people to help your mom sounds like a very loving and caring thing. I'm confused why this would make you feel guilty.
Are these people you have hired sufficient to care for her? I couldn't find what her condition is. Does she need round the clock care? That's the only thing I would consider. Some people due to mobility and/or dementia, can't be left alone at all, but assuming that's not the case with your mom, then I don't see the problem. You kids are only young once, I wouldn't miss time with them when someone else could help with mom's needs.
It cannot be done without help, without losing your sanity.
12 hour shifts x 3 persons when things get worse.
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