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Had respite in a care home when she came out of hospital to see how she got on and she didn't! Wouldn't eat or socialise with other residents and was nasty to everyone and insisted on being taken home which we resisted but eventually agreed as the staff were, frankly, fed up with her. Have suggested live-in care as an alternative when she needs full time help again but she insists she doesn't want a stranger living in the house. Do we just put our foot down?

Bertie, how are you doing?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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BertieBanks, I remember back when my Mom was the same as your Mom with the "no strangers in the house". My parents were both in their 90's and still living in their house.

After a bad fall, the doctor wanted my Mom to go to Rehab. Heck would have to freeze over before my Mom would set foot in such a place. Therefore, the doctor scheduled rehab at home, but wanted Mom to hire some caregivers to help out. No way THAT was going to happen. The physical therapy people quit after two weeks.

Well, I had to wait for the next medical emergency. It was another fall for Mom but this time with major head trauma. Mom never returned home. She spent her final months in a nursing home. Poor Dad, he was so heartbroken as he really wanted the caregivers to be there for her. Even he couldn't put his foot down !!

Sorry, you can't win with someone who is unreasonable and extremely stubborn.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Make sure you set live in care legally. These caregivers become employees of your mother. In my area that sort of care is in excess of $12,000.00 a month.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Bartie, I've just read some of your other posts.

I see that you are caring for your husband with Parkinson's and that your mom seems to present with many of the traits of someone with narcissistic personality.

And that you are not always certain when she calls with an emergency if it is attention getting or real....

And that you are quite distant geographically from each other.

Might I suggest that your responsibility is to your husband? And that your mother has made her choices in life and that it is not your responsibility to "fix" this situation? Certainly, you are under no obligation to leave your husband and travel to your mom's side.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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It's a difficult thing to deal with. I would consider how your mom was with the other people in the care home. If she is resistant to someone coming into her home to help care for her, she's likely to continue to be unwilling to accept their help. This is not unusual for people who have dementia. As she progresses, it may get worse.

My LO was very resistant at one point and getting her the care she needed, but, didn't think she needed, was almost impossible. In fact, she had to go into Memory Care, due to this. So, if you are going with a live-in caregiver, I'd consider that the cost will be great. AND, they'll need a lot of training in order to deal with it. Plus, they will need time off and vacations, so, you'll need others to fill in when the primary caregiver is off duty. And, it's very stressful to live in the home with a person who has dementia. They can be challenging, hostile, rude, repeat things, pace, stay up all night, etc. Their behavior can even be challenging for family members to manage. I'd read a lot about how others have dealt with it. I would suspect it's full of issues. Also, people who have dementia often never realize they need help and are never open and willing to get help. So, I'd explore options, even though, mother may be opposed to it, if it's a real safety and welfare issue.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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BertieBanks May 6, 2020
Thank you Sunnygirl1. Yes, I will do lots of research and professionals with experience are going to be what I look for.
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She sounds like my mother, the nasty controller. Sadly these types will have a string of hospital visits each time coming out with less ability to care for themselves. You will have to put your foot down at some point. The timing will be crucial. Continue your search for a care home and interview them about behavioral issues. Some are more equipped than others to deal with the difficult types. Hopefully you find a good match that is ready for the next "respite" care visit. This time she stays in.
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Reply to MammaDrama
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BertieBanks, no matter what country you live in, the logic is the same: you can only do what is realistically do-able. Sometimes it is better to throw a flotation device to a drowning person rather than swimming to them because in their panic they will cling to you and you both drown. Per your statement in your profile that you are a Christian: there is nothing in the scriptures that mandates one take care of their parents in the home, personally. The goal should be to make sure they are loved and get appropriate and proper care -- and that their caregivers aren't drowning in desperate depression and financial devastation in the process. Also, dementia compromises a lot of cognitive skills, including the ability to make reasoned and logical decisions, so what she "wants" may not be possible no matter how adamant she is about it. May you receive peace in your heart in whatever decision you make.
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Reply to Geaton777
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BertieBanks May 6, 2020
Thank you Geaton. Yes, wants and needs are something I need to keep well to the fore in my thinking.
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Thank you JoAnn. How do I access Country Mouse?
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Ahmijoy May 4, 2020
Type her name in the search bar. Countrymouse. Then click on the answers that come up.
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Just read your profile. You have your hands full. You say Mom is in an AL?
Is this where she will be going upon realease or to her home?

Do you have POA? If no you are limited in what you can do. Maybe tell her that you can't be with her 24/7 because you have a husband to care for. That you would feel so much better if she would at least try an aide.

I am assuming that ur from England? If so, we have Country Mouse who may have some suggestions. The US and UK are so much different when it comes to healthcare.
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