My 94-year old mom is in AL and has had a DNR order for the past 4 years, obtained when her mental faculties were sharper and she knew what the DNR was and its purpose. She always refused to wear her bracelet, so it was placed in her purse so it would be available if she left the facility for an outing with family or facility sponsored event. Recently I checked the purse for her, it was missing, and I found it in her jewelry tray. I told her it is her ID bracelet and she should wear it all the time, just like she wears her wedding ring. Ever since, she has been wearing it all the time.
Another family member thinks this is wrong because I am not being fully honest with her about the bracelet and its purpose. My opinion is that, given her current situation, she would not comprehend, and calling it an ID bracelet is something simple that she understands and can relate to. Am I wrong here?
You'd probably also have to explain that, in an earlier era, many people were genuinely cared for at the end of life and not treated as a sack of parts to be hooked up to this or that machine. But medicine organized itself into a "profession" (originally based on expertise in the application of leeches), vanquished the healers, hoarded control of palliative medicines, and here we are.
Sorry for the hyperbole. Really, though, there is no "honest" explanation that she'd be able to understand now. And saying something like "this bracelet stops doctors from restarting your heart and saving you" actually *isn't* honest. It's one of those partial truths that is, in effect, an appalling lie.
Your mom is lucky to have you.
Maybe we should all be wearing bracelets with DNH : Do No Harm.
I would've moved heaven and earth to PREVENT my mother who suffered from advanced dementia from being resuscitated had the occasion arisen. Just saying.
Who cares what the other family member thinks? If mom and you are happy with it, that is all that matters.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Never in a million years would I have left my home without her being safely buckled up.
She continued to fuss about buckling up and I had the thought of telling her that the car didn’t move until she was buckled up. Was I lying? Nope, because I wouldn’t have dared to drive to the playground without her being safe.
My dad would sometimes go with us to the playground. One day, he wasn’t buckling up. My daughter shouted from the backseat, “Grandpa, hurry up and buckle up. Mom’s car won’t move until we are all buckled. I want to go to the playground!” My dad looked at me slyly and whispered to me, “Is that what you told her? Wow! That’s smart.”
I have spoken about this at length with my friend who is a hospice doctor, with my therapist, and with other professionals about lying to people with dementia, ALZ and the like.
They ALL said it’s perfectly fine and morally justifiable. LOs don’t have reasoning skills anymore and have lost cognitive abilities. You tell them whatever you need to tell them that settles their mind and allows them to let that topic go or that changes their fixation or focus to something nicer and where you can redirect her.
TBH, if something did happen and a first responder found her, they’re is still (my guess) like a 50/50 chance they are going to do interventions until they see the paperwork or whatnot. This is in no way condemning your mother to death etc.
It is somewhat of an ID bracelet and it more or less really only serves as a heads up to the hospital when she gets there that she might have a legal DNR. Ok. Gotta run
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