Am I wrong to feel guilty?

My dear, your husband keeps falling, right? He had multiple medical issues that need medically qualified folks to monitor.

I'm going to suggest to you that if you keep trying to care for him alone, YOU will end up injured, or worse. Then where will he be?

Of course you're sad! This is a sad thing, being separated from the one you love, but it cant be helped. His conditions dictate his care needs, not what our hopes or dearest wishes.

Please work on getting him placed long term. Talk to YOUR doctor today about your deep sadness. You may need some meds to get you back on your happy, productive life path.

((((((Hugs))))))))

Oh, and the guilt thing? Please let that go.

Guilt is for when you've done something wrong, correct? What do you think you've done wrong? Getting your dear one professional care? Taking care of yourself?

These are not unreasonable actions. These are well thought out and caring actions. No guilt!!

I feel bad for you. Can you get home health services to come to your home every day? Is there anyone you know willing to help you, for instance sit with him while you are out of the home? If you can, that is great, but if not then you may have no other choice. If he keeps falling that is not good either. Do what is best for him (and you) and you will feel better as time goes on.

Please work on getting him in AL. you are in over your head, you cannot take care of him, if you can't navigate without him you can move in too. My step father and his wife are in AL, they have a nice 750 sq ft apartment and are really happy there.

Do what is best for BOTH of you.

What a terrible and sad position you find yourself in, I'm so sorry.

The thing is, bringing him home would be a hardship for both of you, but it would also be really risky for both of you. He has already fallen, twice, and had a bathroom accident just to rub salt into the wounds; but then think how much worse it might have been if you'd been injured trying to help him.

In a perfect world, there would be a continuing care facility that you could both move into so that you can continue to lead your normal independent life but with all the support you need to meet his care needs. Is there anything like that in your area? What are your options?

I would recommend getting a social worker by contacting your local area on aging. They can direct you to the services that you need. Search office for the aging, it looks like there are 3 offices in Yonkers. This would be my 1st step.

I would try to find a facility that would meet his needs and where you can stay together. I live in AZ and we have lovely facilities that have layers of care so that spouses can remain together for as long as possible and both get their needs met, you could do activities and socialization while a professional staff is helping your husband with activities and socialization that are appropriate for his condition.

I am sorry that you are facing this decision, it is a difficult time and you are wise to see that you need assistance.

Please try to get some rest while your husband is being cared for by professionals. You need to your strength and your wellbeing matters a great deal for both of you. Do you have anybody that can spend a few nights with you?

Take care of you during this difficult time.

Great big warm hug and strength to you for your new journey.

It’s so hard caring for someone. Please don’t feel guilty about how you feel. You have done so much already. How much more do you think you can do? Keep pushing yourself and you may end up going over the edge.

I hear the love in your words. You obviously care or you wouldn’t be reaching out with concern.

It’s time for you to accept help. I think you are ready to have help, don’t you? I agree with others, see if it is possible that you stay together.

Best wishes for you and hubby. Hugs.

You may want to get some type of ER alert for your husband or find out if your Husband is elegible for an adult daycare center, or respite care when you are not home. We feel guilty when a loved one is hurt, because we care deeply for them and don't want them to experience pain, but try not "live" in your guilt. Just do your best to make things easier on you both, including getting some in home assistance. God Speed.

This has nothing to do with 'guilt' and everything to do with getting your husband the proper care he needs and deserves. You can't continue caring for someone in this condition, at your age, or YOU will wind up in the hospital yourself!!! I remember when my father fell outside of my car one time, and there was NO WAY I could get him up myself............2 men came by and helped me, otherwise, I would have had to call 911. There are just some things that CANNOT be done, you know? Dementia by itself is tough. Throw in neuropathy, a wheelchair, IBS and Parkinson's and HOLY COW, it's too much for ANYONE to handle at home! That's why he needs either Assisted Living, or more likely, Skilled Nursing where a round-the-clock staff will be there to see to all of his needs.

Please let go of the guilt and do what's right for both of you. It's hard, I know, but look at it like this: you can go visit him daily if you'd like, and you'll both enjoy the interaction. You can go back to being husband & wife again instead of being the 'caregiver' 24/7 and that will be a relief.

BEST OF LUCK!!

It sounds like he needs more than any one person can provide full time.  Even a younger person!   You have done so well.  Guilt is a normal part of grieving, and you might be doing the pre-loss grieving, which comes and goes.  I would think,  "If only I had noticed his fever and infection earlier, it wouldn't have gone septic and killed him.  He'd still be alive."  The truth is, he was already in the hospital, and no one noticed right away, it happened so fast.  I couldn't do everything.  This was 20 years ago, and I can still remember how I felt.

My advice is to have your sons or friends help find a good placement for him, and you nurse yourself, pamper yourself for awhile.  It is an awful time to go through.  Be gentle with yourself, and accept support.  Prayers and big (((HUGS!)))

Oh, I so understand your dilemma. My husband just came home 4 days ago from a hospital stay. He came home totally delusional and his mobility is very unsteady. He has parkinsons and a bad liver. short term rehab was recommended, but I decided to bring him home because of his experience in rehab last July. I have help 2 hrs a day and am alone the rest of the time. I am really questioning my decision to bring him home. He is up 2-3 times a night, which means my sleep is interrupted. I strongly encourage you to put him into LTC. I know its not an easy decision, but you have to think ofvyour own health.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. He is now in a Re Hab facility and I will visit every day, it's very close to where I live. So far, he seems to be going along with everything. Last time he was in a place like this, he begged to come home and after 4 days, I buckled and took him home. He now understands that this is not possible for me to be alone with him. I am now in contact with a social worker which will help me have an aid incase I take him home after 30 days.  I really don't know what the outcome will be. I feel sad because he is not eating. He is diabetic too and the food is so bland. He is a large man (200 lbs) and used to good Italian food.  I am guilty of spoiling him so much in the past. Now, we both have to adjust to this new life. Again, thank you all for such encouragement. This forum means so much to me and I know I am not alone as so many of you are in the same predicament (or worse) God bless you all.

Happy2, you are so fortunate to have two sons that are encouraging and supporting you in making this decision. They see the toll this is taking on you and love you. They don't want you struggling as you are and want you to take care of yourself.

Listen to your sons advice and that of the people here. The care of your husband has become too difficult for you. Would even your husband want you to risk your health for him?

You have no reason to feel guilty. You have provided his care for as long as you have been able. Sometimes it takes more courage and compassion to let go and realize it is time for professional care.

This must be terribly difficult for you. Time for you to take care of you and accept and value the support offered by your sons. They must be wonderful men.

Please try to put the guilt aside and move forward with a plan that will ensure the safety and well being of you both. You are a devoted and loving partner and caretaker. Time to switch to care manager. You can visit your husband whenever you want while ensuring that your self care is not compromised. Congratulations on sustaining such a long and loving marriage.

I like the suggestions of you both going to AL if possible. My husband is in a nursing home with late stage early onset Alzheimer’s. I miss him when I’m not with him but I find I’m more relaxed and can spend quality time when I am with him. I know he’s getting the round the clock care he needs at this point. Best wishes.

Seems like you need extra help at home to help care for your husband. While he is in rehab, talk with the social worker about what is difficult for you to accomplish for your husband: lifting, transfers (bed to chair to toilet to....), toileting, bathing, helping him dress... Home health aides can help with those tasks in your home. It also seems that your husband can not be left at home alone anymore so you can run errands... so he will need a sitter for those times as well. Since you have younger family members and hopefully younger friends, ask them what they can help with caring for your husband. I'm thinking they can be sitters so you can get out of the house to run errands... and may I dare suggest have a little fun too. Your sons might be able to help with morning or evening care for their dad. Home health aides might have to be your main helpers, sand your insurance may pay for this. If you can not find help for your husband at home, then he may need to stay in a long term residential facility. Find a nice one near your home so you can easily visit daily.

I agree with some of the other posters that you both go to an assisted living facility. My parents made that choice in their late 80s when mom's dementia and dad's growing medical issues made it too difficult for him to be the primary care giver even with help almost every day.
They sold their home and moved closer to me so I could help out. At first my dad still drove, but after an accident, he ga e it up. We found a place that offered a range of services. Mom gets a high level and dad still mostly takes care of himself. They are together and we now have mom on hospice tho she shows no signs of passing anytime soon. This gives them the added benefit of some free support including a weekly nurse who can come 24/7 should she fall or get a uti.
Please think seriously about this option so you can get some much needed support .

Happy2stitch,
I am so very thankful that you found this website. Please come back often. I have found comfort many times plus great practical advice. Please listen to your sons. You are in a difficult time, but you must take care of yourself. I visit my mother almost everyday in Assisted Living. I have met several couples where one spouse lives in Assisted Living, and the other spouse lives at home.

I think you have done an admirable job. However, finances permitting, it is time to let others care for your spouse. Your children are offering good advice. Your home is not safe anymore. Your husband should not be alone at any time. Have a family meeting. Evaluate no more than 3 long term care facilities, make your decision, and make your husband as comfortable as possible in his new surroundings.

You will be able to visit your husband as much as you want. You can dine with him as well as enjoying the activities you can still do together.

Do not feel guilty. Be thankful you are capable of making sure the rest of your husband’s days are ones you can share with him in a safe environment. Tell him you love him everyday. It may not seem to register, but he hears every word.

it is time for you both to rest.

Obviously he is too much to handle for you alone. Someone suggested that you find an AL that will let both of you move in together. Sometimes, one spouse will live in IL and the other in AL or LTC. I understand that you have a long history together and you are sad, especially at night. That is a loving testament to your relationship. The bottom line is the question: what gets him the care he needs and is able to keep him safe. You can still care for him in daily visits, just not doing the hard work that skilled health professionals do. Does this seem like a workable solution for you.
Talk to the director of nursing at the rehab about his lack of eating. It can be from numerous things. Their dietician should be involved in his meals and keeping him in line with his glucose levels.

You are 81, I am 64, I am a full time caregiver to my Mother of 91, she has Louie Body Dementia, she cannot stand knows only her birthdate. She wants to go home to her home with her mother, father sister & brother. She does nothing for herself except feed herself after I give the food. It is very hard for me. You are 81 I know you love your husband but if you bring him home it will be the end of you.

Please don't feel guilty! You want him home and you should have him there with you. Your sons may give you helpful advice but you are the one wanting him home. So Get some Home Health Aides to come and do the heavy lifting and anything else you find burdensome. Contact an agency and they will assign some one to help you. You will be doing what is best for both of you and there is no reason to feel guilty. It happens to all married couples like you; eventually one of you has a serious illness. You have marriage vows, maybe. They are a comfort to know you are doing the right thing.

If you are a good person, trying, but with limitations, I don't see a reason for guilt. If you are a felon who is doing evil acts with intent to hurt another you have good reason to feel guilty. Remember, psychopaths and narcissists do not feel guilt. You are doing the best you can. Please pay honor to that within you that understands your own limitations in this. I am so dreadfully sorry for all you and your hubby are going through.

When my husband went into the nursing home for rehab, they put him in a double room and offered me the spare bed at no additional charge. While I was there, I met several couples who lived there together in double rooms. Maybe ask around if you can get a double room...it may cost more but then you both would be taken care of. Three prepared meals a day, laundry service, meds scheduled regularly, in home doctor visits, housekeeping. We lived there for 100 days and it was nice. I will be praying that you find your answer.

I can't believe you've done as much as you have for this long! It is time for you to get more help, either in a facility or with home health aides. Make whatever arrangements you can afford to ensure your husband's health and safety. If you apart at night, yes, you will miss him and you will feel sad, but you need to know you are providing him with the best care you can find. You should certainly not feel guilty for this!

Dear lady, please do not feel guilty as you've done a stellar job caring for your husband thus far. You are to be commended! Long term care is going to be required for him. Prayers sent to you.
💞

You can't do it all, and please don't feel guilty.  You've done more than you could already.  He can't come home, and will need long term, skilled care as advised in other answer/s.  Coming home will mean you're in the same situation, which will worsen, and break you down ..further.  That's no good to him or you.

AL will mean you're in a very similar situation as being at home like before as you'll be in an apartment together, and you'll, again, be his primary caregiver but for on call assistance if he falls, needs showers, etc.  Plus, someone else needs to be moving him around in his wheelchair in all aspects of his life.  You risk hurting yourself physically and mentally, and then he and you could be worse.

Maybe a home that has long term and memory care for him and an assisted living apartment or studio in the same professional home/facility would work.  Then you could see him often, be comforted knowing he's cared for, and if/when you need help, it'd be there for you, too.

Although it's hard to say, I don't know that it's a good idea to visit him every day in long term care, especially at your age and all you've gone through.  You've got to be worn out.  Maybe tell/ask your sons to visit him every day you're not there.  Even if you find a combination long term/memory care and AL apt for yourself, visits from your sons for both of you will be good.  They can bring in those things that you and he need/want (like household items, small no cook groc. items, etc.) that will help you both really retire and rest.  Get them to take over paying the bills, too.  The fewer things you've got to manage now, the better.  You've been doing it all for a long time, plus being a 24/7 caregiver.  You deserve it, and you must take care of yourself, too.  There's no shame in taking care of yourself, and doing what's best for him at this time in his life and yours.  He surely wants what's best for you, too. 

Take care, and good luck in whatever decisions you make.

You are an incredible Lady and from reading Your Post I know You love Your dear Husband very much, but I am afraid at 81 years You need to consider now having Husband put into a Care Home where He will receive the very best Care 24/7 as it is unfair on You to continue as You have been otherwise
You will become burnt out and take I'll Yourself.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.  You are going way above and beyond. There is a time when home nursing is simply not feasible. You are risking serious damage to your back by trying to more a badly disabled adult. Have you considered that your husband may actually receive better physical care in a nursing home where there are multiple attendants to care for him? Then you could concentrate on being there for him, but not struggling with heavy physical work.

Stop and think, he keeps falling and you aren’t able to help him without injury to him or yourself. If he is in a facility there will be people there to help him 24/7. My parents went thru this with dad falling multiple times. Mom had to get a neighbor or the EMS to get him up. So worrying for both of them. It's a miracle he didn’t break a bone. So think about what is best for him. If you get injured or sick who will care for him?