I am my moms caregiver and she wants me to move in with her so she can age at home. I have been helping/taking care of her for the last 5 years, doing what I can when I am able to go to her place. (she lives about 2 hrs away)
She would like me to move to her house and she will pay me by taking off money from the price of the house. My siblings are all about the money and do nothing to help with the house or with her care. I had stepped up to the plate before she asked me to move in with her and do what I can with having to go back and forth. I will not move until I have something in writing that will protect me from the siblings trying to take home if I don't have it paid off before she passes. She will be paying for her care from her personal account, she won't qualify for help. She wants to stay at her home, but she could not stay in the house if she didn't have myself and husband to do maintenance, cleaning, cooking and general stuff. She had asked all siblings if they had any interest in her house before she came to me with this offer. (they had none; they each have one or two homes each and had no interest, until of course she told them of her plans to sell me the house and us moving up there to take care of her) They are all against me and I am the bad person and they think I am manipulating her and controlling her. They have no idea what even goes on in her life.
I have been trying to figure out a way to make it as even as possible with also being compensated for caregiving. It has just become impossible to try to write it up to appease the siblings, making sure I do not get more than my share. I am so over trying to figure out how to do this and feel it is just best to do a joint ownership or something of the sort, I have to make sure I'm covered when she passes, as they could care less if I ended up homeless. Remember I am moving and changing my life to do this. I feel fortunate that I will get to spend my moms last years with her and I will do whatever I can to make sure her last years are as enjoyable as can be. After my mom passes I will have no family left, as this has made me see how they really feel about me, (less than)
I will still be able to work for now and plan to, however this running back and forth every weekend is very unproductive and I can't just pick up and move when and if she gets to a point where she would need 24/7 care and maybe she never will. She just likes having someone coming & going.
So why am I made out to be the bad guy for taking care of their mother and lost at where to go with this.
Then the mental decline. She won't be tomorrow as she is today. When she starts falling (usually happens), then what? What does your husband do while you're spending all of your free time caring for mom? (And it will be all of your free time.) Your quality of life goes downhill, her quality of life is already going downhill, and hers might improve with you there. Yours wont, and neither will your husband's. I'm not even going to touch the part about your siblings and getting the house. Yikes.
I think it’s unwise to insist on the whole house outright, especially as you not she is the one bringing that up.
This plan will not work. You will only own half the house if you co-own the house. The other half will be your siblings who have the ability to contest the transaction and Will. Then there is Medicaid. They can override any agreement made within the look back that in some States is 5 years.
I agree u need an Elder lawyer well versed in Medicaid. With other siblings involved, I would want an ironclad agreement written up by a lawyer. You need to know all your options.
Consult an attorney and financial advisor on your own behalf.
Of course the siblings are interested in the house. As part of Mom's estate, when it sells, they are interested in the proceeds, money.
Would you be buying the same house, in the same neighborhood, at the same price if it were not your Mom's house? In other words, is it affordable to you and your husband? What if property taxes get reassessed?
On your behalf, what does this mean:
"I will not move until I have something in writing that will protect me from the siblings trying to take home **if I don't have it paid off before she passes.**
Something seems off with the whole scenario, but I am not sure what it is.
Where is it that you are getting paid?
A live-in caregiver gets room and board for free?
You will be paying off the mortgage while living there?
It sounds like Mom can afford to pay a caregiver to live-in.
You cannot afford the stress of accusations and losing your whole family over money. And any lawsuits over the inheritance promised. imo
Getting old costs. Big time. Eventually, most elders need either in-home or facility care (I guess we can think of the folks who drop dead at age 70 of heart attacks as "lucky".)
Your siblings, like many clueless people, seem to be counting on an inheritance from mom. Bad not to plan one's own financial life; VERY bad to count on an inheritance unless you are looking at generational wealth.
If mom wants to "age in place", she is going to have to pay SOMEONE to look after her. Do not try to avoid this conversation. It needs to be had BEFORE you move, before you even THINK about moving.
Look first at what YOU need. Go to your local SS office and find out exactly what your SS payment will be at 62, at Full Retirement Age and at age 70 if you stop earning today.
Will you have a pension?
Do you have IRA, 403b, 401K or other retirement assets?
Do you have other savings/brokerage accounts?
That money stays put. You do NOT use it to pay mom's bill nor do you use it to pay ANYTHING on mom's house unless you own it.
So, after looking at your financial life, are you set for retirement? Can you afford to quit your current job and care for mom full time? Because HER life can change in an instant and she can suddenly need full time, hands on care.
Please be VERY cautious about looking at this scenario.
The emotional side, the being made to feel a worm because you ask the (actually quite reasonable) questions "what money will this cost me? And who's paying?" is one for the sages. In response to siblings who are making no such sacrifice and then have the gall to snipe at you, I think "oh get stuffed" is probably as much answer as you need to provide.
There is also the option of butting out - encourage your mother to hire such services as she needs to age in place, and you and husband down tools. Stay involved and supportive by all means, but family visits should be visits and not shifts.
Generally I wouldn't recommend that you do change your life and move in with her. If the strain proves too much and your husband can't take it and leaves, you could end up impoverished and tied by the ankle to your mother in her home which you could eventually lose or have to fight for, miserably and at huge expense for years, with nowhere else to go.
Some additional thoughts I had...you think you will be able to continue working "for now," but what happens when you can't because of your mother's increasing needs? How old is she, and how old are you?
What do you mean you won't get "more than my share." Is that what the siblings want? That you do all the caregiving for nothing, and that you all share equally in the inheritance?
Is the house your mother's only asset? What is her financial situation?
And please do think about what will happen as her needs increase? Just how much physical caregiving will you be willing to do? Are you prepared to handle dementia? Alzheimer's? Suppose she becomes immobile? In order to save the house, will you turn into a 24/7/365 caregiving slave? Yes, that is what often happens.
Do not count on getting something as payment for caregiving only after your mother dies. Your mother must use the "pay as you go" option. If you insist on moving in with her (which has so many pitfalls), you get paid regularly. And getting to live there for free does NOT mean that is payment for caregiving.
Discuss all of this with an attorney. You are in a good position, because you have NOT moved in yet. So often on this forum, a child will move in with their parent(s) with vague promises of inheriting this or that, and then after their death there was nothing in writing.
Do not let this happen to you.
This actually sounds like a good plan in general. Split the caregiving to come up off the top of the will. Let’s say you agree to a flat rate of 100k/year for both you and dh to be paid before future division on inheritance. It’s basically a lien. That’s two aides providing 80-100 hours of work’s worth for however much you provide for however many years.
As far as the will itself, mom could disinherit the other kids outright but it doesn’t sound like she wants to.
She should do a transfer on death deed, that takes the house out of her estate and probate. She should specifically state her wishes for you to get the house in her end of life documents, a good attorney can set this up to protect you.
However, I do not believe that caregiving should be done with promises of future payment. You will resent paying her for the house if you ever need to provide 24/7 care for her.
This should be 2 entirely separate contracts that are legally sound to protect you from siblings and mom if she ever develops dementia. Because a demented mind changes everything in very unpredictable ways.
I, also, don't believe that you should be a live in caregiver without full Durable Power of Attorney, Durable Medical Care POA and Mental Health POA. Solely and an attorney or fiduciary as back up POA in the event you can not act. Your siblings would create problems for you if they obtained this power, guaranteed.
www.nelf.org can guide you to the certified elder law attorneys in her area. I highly recommend using a CELA as opposed to just an elder law attorney, the ones we interviewed were way more knowledgeable in all aspects of planning EOL documents, financial plans, etc.
Last but, not least, please read this forum and judge for yourself if you can handle the pitfalls and land mines that come with living with an elderly parent and problematic siblings. It is not for the faint hearted to be certain.
If you and your husband decide this is for you, please get everything in writing before you up end your lives AND have an exit plan if you can no longer continue. That's why the house and caregiving need to be 2 separate contracts, you have to ensure you are thoroughly protected.
Sorry for the looong response.
If you're on the deed and she dies, you'll inherit her cost basis. If she's been in that house a long time, if you want to sell it, you'll pay capital gains taxes on the difference between what she paid for it and what it sells for.
If you inherit it, you get a stepped up cost basis to the value of the house on the day she dies. If you decide to sell, you only pay capital gains on the difference between that amount and the selling price.
For example, my parents paid $40,000 for their house in 1969. If they'd put me on the deed instead of leaving it to me, I'd have paid massive taxes on the difference between $40,000 and the $2.3 million the house sold for. (It's California -- crazy prices.)
Instead, the house was left to me (and my brother), and the value when my mom died lart year was about $2.2 million. Big difference.
Consult not only with a trprt and estate attorney to set up a trust for Mom's estate, but also consult with a CPA to understand how the tax side would work. Attorneys know very little about taxes.
In most cases, these arrangements don't work out especially if the parent has to go into some sort of facility even for a short period of time.
Consider hiring a home care aide for the weekend to tend to mom's needs to give you a break. Private pay agencies work differently from home health care agencies. Your mom can pay (private pay) or either get medicare to provide it. She will need skilled care in order to get help from Medicare. Her doctor can order it.
I would encourage you to hesitate before moving in. It never seems to end well, even with the best of intentions.
I'd consult with an eldercare atty. I'm not sure if you're saying that she's "selling" you the house but that you'll be working it off by caring for her?? You will need a contract and there may be tax implications since maybe it'd be considered income, etc.?
Siblings can be greedy selfish creatures. Some don't want to do any work but are hoping for a nice inheritance. If you move in there and care for her, it wouldn't be wrong of you to get compensated. Just make sure to do it right and legally so your siblings will have no leg to stand on when they try to cry about the unfairness of it all.
Example, putting your name on the deed as co-owner would have a financial impact on you later down the should you wish to sell the house. There would be larger Capital Gain Taxes to pay compared to if your inherited the house.
The best route I believe would be for Mom to sell her house and use the equity to live in senior living. That way you wouldn't need to uproot yourself. You become her daughter instead of her caregiver. And if there is any money left over after your Mom passes, then it can be equality divided among everyone, if that is what Mom wants in her Will.