My MIL is in advanced dementia. Although we live 45 minutes from her facility we visit 2 times a week. I have gotten to know the staff and make sure I acknowledge all the kindness given to her. Although her physical condition is poor ( she’s 93) and her conversation makes no sense, I sit, hold her hand and agree with whatever she says. Most often she falls asleep and we watch her. My husband has no idea how to deal with her, so I take the lead and chitchat ( I am convinced my superpower is my gift of talking about nothing for minutes on end). This brings me to my problem.
My husband has 4 sisters, three of which live in the area. They rarely visit. They say that since she sleeps most of the time and makes no sense when awake, then there is no point in visiting. Last week there was a care plan meeting. One of his sisters said that Mom is greatly improved. My husband exploded. He is not an aggressive person, but that statement really got to him. After going on about her incontinence, lack of strength (in wheel chair) and the conversation that contains no hint of reality, his sisters became hostile and told him he was negative. There are five of them, yet they won’t communicate and plan for Mom’s next stage.
I took care of my mom for 2.5 years when she had Alzheimer’s. I had no siblings to help me. I would have done anything to have had a sister to talk to (my sister died a year before my mom came to live with us). I apologize for this long rant. I just feel that regardless of her mental and physical condition, everyone should be visiting and sitting with her. I have gotten terribly sad about this situation.
I am glad that you enjoy going there I am sure it helps her, but, don't expect the others to feel the same way, you can only control you, your mindset, not anyone else's. No reason to get upset, just accept what you cannot change.
Sending support your way, your MIL is very fortunate to have such a caring DIL.
Usually care plan meetings are a chance to discuss discuss any issues, concerns and decide on strategies on an “if” basis. It sounds very much like his sisters are burying their heads in the sand - re visits and reality of your MIL’s needs.
Since you are frequent visitors maybe maybe an informal chat with the home about her care plan would be best. After all if the others rarely visit they aren’t very likely to enquire either.
Having cared for various family over 27 years I soon came to the conclusion that if in the person’s best interest I was all for it and hang the opinions of relatives who doled out “reasons” I deemed excuses re why couldn’t / wouldn’t / didn’t / shouldn’t .... visit etc.
Be kind to yourself - and accept that others aren’t as giving