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You don't sound like a selfish person at all. Even the most unselfish, though, do have conflicts and problems balancing their needs with those of the person who is more depending on them now. Let your mother and sister know well in advance that you plan to be away from ___ to ___. (Or find a respite home for your mother. No way should she convince you to take her along.) Get some commitment from your sister that she will check in every day for the time you're away. (A twenty-minute ride isn't too much to do every day or two for a few weeks.) You don't say what your mother's overall health and financial situation are. If she can afford to contribute to her expenses, now is the time for this to begin. If it happens that in your time away your mom doesn't do well, you'll need to talk to her about her future needs (possibly assisted living). She and you are very fortunate that she's been this independent this long. Of course she's more needy now and this is likely to increase. If you don't think you can maintain the boundaries you need, in fairness to you both you need to start planning now.
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Wow! So many of us in the same boat with moms in their 90’s! How the hell are we still here and not dead from pure exhaustion? Or in jail from killing siblings? Or mental institution? Hahaha

Sad, really. Hey, send us a postcard from a tropical island 🏝!!! Do go and live it up!
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Honey11 Jul 2019
haha You stated that very well!!
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No, just do it. Or 10 (15, 20+) years from now you will look back with regret. Do it.
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Good luck LOLOLOLOL
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Due to your help and your mom's strength, mom has been able to live fairly independently, and that's good. Not knowing the longevity in your family, it is likely that mom will either gradually or suddenly lose her independence concerning daily living skills like toileting, bathing, dressing, and cooking. You don't mention anything about her finances or health, but it sounds as if it's time to look for an assisted living placement. Before that, though, you can establish help from an at-home service or find a respite care facility where she can stay while you and hubby go on a travel vacation....or ideally one of your sibs can stay the week, while you are away, so that they get the full feel of the day-to-day care of mom. On the other side of things, your situation with your sibs could be worse. I cared for mom and dad while brother lived several states away and visited once every three years and sister never visited or called......ever. I would have been grateful if there had been regular phone calls and weekly visits. You are doing the lion's share, for sure, but at least you are not alone. That said, unless your sibs demonstrate that they can step up their assistance, I believe that you have the most say in the matter with every consideration given to mom's needs. You can't expect another sibling to take on your mother full time, particularly since the next few years will be difficult for either you or them to do single-handedly. Time to think of the next step.
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First of all..I usually avoid these sites,as I am an older...but I applaud you for your thoughtful,well thoughtout,NON JUDGEMENTAL,. suggestion to the questioner... Excellent idea
..
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Make sure your mother is attended. Then go live your life.
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First of all, I don't think there is a "wrong side of 50" -- you are in your prime--thus the reason for wanting to travel and savor what life has to offer. I don't think you are being selfish at all. You have done your duty in taking care of your mom. It is someone else's turn. Happy travels!!
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You deserve your own "life" with your mother. Don't allow others to "guilt" you otherwise. As some have suggested, tell everyone that you are "downsizing" and that does NOT include having an in-law suite. Good luck.
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my sisters had NO contact with my mum, not a lick of help for me, for the 14 years she lived with us...but mum made my older sister executor and her will divided to each of us equally. Then my sister had the gall to ask for executor “fees” and I told her I needed time, to come up with 14 years of Registered Nurse “fees.” She dropped her request...but we’re not speaking. Care givers are heroes and the WHOLE family should be required to step up. Go! Travel!
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As your mother is of the opinion you live totally separate lives I think you should make arrangements to do whatever you want to do without consultation with her, and then tell her when you will be away. If she then starts saying "but who will do X, Y, Z for me" help her arrange for someone to come in for the requisite times / activities, but she pays as she is making the choice to have some one. You do not have to behave in a way that gives up your life if she is in her opinion living a separate life with a separate front door. I personally would also stop the popping in when she feels like it - that is taking advantage of your good nature. If she feels she now cannot manage separate living then you need to sit down with her and discuss where she is going to live to provide what she needs, you are not her carer and did not take on that role so it is up to her to find the care she wants/needs not to expect you to give up your life,
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I absolutely know how you feel. My 93 year old mum lives with me and, because of the negative effect she has had on my life and health, I wonder every day if I will ever get the chance to have a life again. I have given up everything for her and I fear she will outlive me and I will never get the chance to have a happy retirement. I'm so unhappy!!!
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NancyInSc Jul 2019
Same case for me. 94 year old mom who will out live me. My life is over. I hate modern medicine.
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Sounds like your mother didn't make a life for herself after she moved in. Didn't develop friends, activities, etc. So all she has is you. This causes her to "pop" into your life unannounced and thinks "she never sees you". She probably thought the two of you could become "friends" but she has become only a responsibility.

I am on the other side of this situation. My daughter and her husband have invited me to live with them giving me two bedrooms and a bathroom on one side of the house. It means selling this house and moving there (two states away). I know I will have to work at getting a life going there (new friends, activities, etc). It would be easy to just expect my life to be with theirs. I will be isolated put plan to work at the new life. If it doesn't work out (she can be critical and judgmental) I will just find an apartment nearby. But then I would REALLY be isolated. If you can fix her isolation you might get back some of your life. I try hard to not approach her and let her "miss me" and come to me on her own. I am 70 and she is 35. I have heard her say "my mother is viable". She feels responsible for me which is odd, but is stoic that I have my own life. I will work at that. It is rare that mothers and daughters can be friends but it would be nice for it to be so.
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JewelsC Jul 2019
Hi Snowquail,
i had to pop in & tell you that my mother was my best friend. She lived with me in Ca. For 15 years then retired & returned home to Ohio to spend time with my brother & her family. She spent every winter & early spring with me in Ca. for 25 years.

5 years ago I moved back home & purchased a beautiful home for my son, mother & I. She & I functioned our home just as a married couple would do & it ran beautifully. I traveled a lot for weeks at a time & spent visits with my older children.
My mom had the support of all her friends & my brother. In fact they came over more when I was gone.

My mom was my Rock! I loved, cherished & adored her. She passed away 2 months ago after a 23 month illness.
I cared for her for 21 months and sacrificed my life during this time. I only use sacrifice for other readers but to me, it was an honor & my job as eldest daughter to care for her. It was what I wanted to do. It was the last best thing I could do for her. That & her final service. her.
My brother’s had 8 strokes so alone, he was very limited to what he could do to help. My younger sister lives in a Nursing Home after a catastrophic car accident. She suffered brain trauma & is paralyzed.
I brought her in from CA. & cared for her in my home until my mom became ill. It was way too much on me honestly.
You sound like you'll be ok. I understand your apprehension in this situation. You’ve got resources to take are of yourself so should it jot work out the way everyone expected you have your out.
Who knows it could turn out to be a great experience.
Best of luck to ya.
I hope you find the friendship with your daughter. ❤️
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Do it. Life is too short. I bet mom has tabs on your comings and goings and makes you alter your life to accommodate her needs.
Mmaybe you can say your downsizing and want to travel while you can. Leave it to mom and siblings where she ends up. Assisted living would be good.
The brother and sister probably dont talk to you much bc they know they would have to hear sooner or later that you are stressed, or tired of being monitored, or your privacy interrupted etc. If they dont talk to you, they dont have to get roped into providing money, or driving mom to doc appts, or whatever else mom may need.

I would tell mom you want to talk to them when they call her. Be upfront and set a deadline. Of course you will have to tell mom first. Set a deadline or siblings won't lift a finger. You have been doing it all. Don't let them guilt you. If they say you have been doing it all along, remind them they only make a phone call or occass visit. The rest of the time is their time.
Your gonna have to play hard ball I bet. Good luck. Stick to your guns and do it.
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Sunny,

Please read what Eric has said to you. His wisdom is amazing! He makes extremely valid points.

I too lost a brother as he has. It does change a person’s perspective. You owe it to yourself to seriously think about your future. You are younger than me and I don’t want you to watch more years go by then you want to and regret it.

Not trying to sway you because ultimately it is your decision for your reasons. Only you know what is best.

I think most parents try to guilt us at some point. Some on purpose and some not even realizing it. I know my mom does it too. We’re a Catholic family and it kind of comes with the territory! Catholic moms and guilt go hand in hand. Haha.

I have been suckered in with guilt more times than I care to admit. I also think sometimes it takes walking away from a situation to realize exactly what it is. Isn’t that the case with anything, a relationship, a job that we aren’t happy in anymore or perhaps we no longer find fulfilling. You sound intelligent to me. I know you understand what is at stake.

Make no mistake, if you are looking for validation from others who have been or are in your shoes, then you’ve got it, plenty of it at that!

Sometimes we have the answer but having validation is just what we need.

I adore what Eric had to say about siblings. In fact, I laughed out loud because he sounded just like my husband!
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(Part II of response) - Got too wordy (sorry)...

.... You will always love and care for your mum. You will continue to be engaged in her life - you won’t abandon her. But our time here on earth is short. I lost my older brother when he was 50 - he was the one sibling that I always thought was invincible - and his heart gave out at a very young age. He never got to see his three young kids grow up like I did. His death made me reassess my priorities in health, home, and finances… and I value every tomorrow that’s granted to me. 
 
Be good to yourself, your partner, and your son - and absolutely don’t feel guilty about it even when others try to put you seated back on that guilt non-stop airliner. Set new boundaries between mum, siblings, and yourself. You still love your mum and you always will, but you also love your partner and son, and they deserve your time and love too.
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You’re not being callous or selfish at all; you’re human. 
 
My mother lived with me since 2004 when I moved here in with me from Kentucky. She was 74 at that time. My partner and I agreed to it (my partner was a nurse practitioner) by building a larger home to accommodate her (similar to your studio conversion), and I also had a 9-year-old son (through divorce) at that time. In 2004, my mom had so many cardiac issues (she still smoked, she had several angioplasties by that point), I really didn’t expect her to see 80. Neither did the rest of my family. 
 
Fortunately, for her, she’s had the best of medical care since moving to Florida. And to my surprise, her heart issues didn’t become fatal. But as she aged, there were new and unexpected issues that came up - she slowly became more self-centered and seeking attention. I heard the same thing: ‘I never see you!’ (I laughed when I read that - brought back memories - and yes, I saw my mother every day), but she was always in the midst of my business. I don’t think she was being invasive; she was trying to show her concern for her son… but for a son who is in his forties and independent and successful, that gets old fast. Her hospital stays became more frequent, and less about legitimate clinical issues and more about conditions that she could control - poor control of glucose levels, poor diet, too idle - and when I would suggest to take on different behaviors for her health, she denied it. She would say ‘these doctors just don’t know what they’re doing!’. And it was always up to me to take her to the ER visits, follow-ups, etc. while trying to maintain an executive job. And on top of trying to maintain a relationship with my partner, and being a father to my son who had severe learning disabilities. 
 
You are not alone, and yes, your siblings need to be helping you out. One good suggestion made (below by someone else) is to engage the other siblings and capture what all you do for her. It IS a lot - it will help them understand and even help YOU see what all you do for her. You would surprise yourself if you capture it all on paper. I know you didn’t have this forced on you (neither did I - I volunteered to care for her because I love my mom), but as our parents age, the clinical issues become more numerous and complex. We don’t see it when we are younger - we just expect our parents to grow old gracefully and that they won’t change that much until they’re final day of life. Frankly, the changes are very slow and subtle, but daunting over time: memory issues, incontinence issues, mobility issues… it is indeed overwhelming, and all of us here give you credit for just being there for you mum the way you have all these years. It is a sacrifice, but when all is said and done, it’s worth it. 
 
‘NeedHelpWithMom’ responded very eloquently. You NOW must live your life for you. You’ve ‘done your time’ and offered enough sacrifice that it’s time for the siblings to step in. I don’t think ‘dumping’ it all on them is effective either, but there can be a planned transition of responsibilities from you to your sister/brother. Only offer to help during emergencies - not on day-to-day tasks (you’ve done that for 12 years already). There is a way (when done calmly and rationally) to help your siblings see that they have an obligation to meet; when they respond ‘why me? It’s not fair…’, just remind them that they didn’t seem to have an issue with fairness when you were caring for her. The dialogue doesn’t have to be antagonistic, but you have every right to be firm by saying: ‘my partner and I are buying a home; my son is moving on - it’s time for me to live for me, and mum needs both of you now.’
 
Think back for a moment - what caregiving responsibilities did your mum at your current age do for HER mum? Did she give up 12 years of freedom to be there for you? (Even if as simple as a living arrangement.)
 
You will always love and care for your mum. You will continue to be engaged in her life
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I’m in the same boat but for 14 years. First of all let me acknowledge that it is hard. It will become harder.

As for your question if you are selfish, my answer is absolutely not! Emotions get the best of us.

All I can tell you and maybe your answer would be the same is that If I knew then what I know then, would I have taken mom in? Most likely not.

We make choices for different reasons. They may be valid reasons at the time but priorities change. Looks like your priorities are changing, needs change too, desires change, right?

If you have the opportunity to make certain changes, you may want to take advantage of it sooner rather than later. Life is short. Avoid regrets if possible. You have been very generous.

Live according to what you need now. If you have guilt, seek help sorting through it if you like. If you don’t have guilt, good for you!

I wish I could say to you that I don’t have any regrets about being the primary caregiver for my mom but I can’t do that. That would be a lie. It has been a huge sacrifice.

I love my mom. I know she loves me. Even with love it’s difficult. No one’s life is problem free. We have issues like anyone else.

There are some things I cherish and glad I didn’t miss and other things that has been a huge burden on me.

As as far as siblings go, some do share responsibilities and others don’t. Mine don’t either. But I have accepted that it will not change. Even just a phone call would be nice asking how we are doing but you know how that goes, some siblings just don’t. Honestly, I don’t even know if they are capable of doing that. They may not have the insight to feel certain emotions.

Maybe if I would have asked myself a long time ago if I would have regrets later I would have felt differently about accepting a huge undertaking such as being the primary caregiver but I honestly had no idea it would end up being so hard.

I had no frame of reference. My mom did not care for her mom or dad. My dad’s parents died before I was born so you could say that I was ignorant or perhaps naive.

I don’t know everything. I have lots to learn. I know that even with a great husband, caring for elderly parents can cause stress in a marriage and family. Marriages and relationships take a hit. Ask yourself the tough questions. Make a list of pros and cons. I wish I had known to do that.

If you decide to make changes and it sounds like you are leaning in that direction then do it because it is your choice and be at peace. Ultimately it is your choice.

Obviously, I am not the best person to give advice on your mom transitioning out of your home because I have not done that.

The most I have done is recently arranging for mom to spend three weeks in skilled nursing rehab facility. Now she’s back home.

I can tell you that I felt some freedom with mom out of the house. I did visit often. It felt odd at first because of her being in my home round the clock but I wish I had spent more time focusing on me along with mom. I was so concerned with her progress that I still put myself on the back burner.

When a parent’s health declines it is intensely time consuming and emotionally draining.

Is it worth it to continue to allow her to live in your home? Only you can answer that. Some people wouldn’t have it any other way and that is fine if they desire that, others could not possibly provide a home or care for a variety of reasons. That is their choice. Neither is right or wrong. It’s personal choice. I’m up in the air myself about certain things so no judgment from me. No swaying either. I only want you to know that it does become harder as time goes by. My mom is 93. I am 63.

Lots of people on this forum have placed parents and can give you wonderful advice.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jul 2019
Such an honest and heartfelt post....thank you!!
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I think that you haves earned your ability to go and put in action your plans for you and SO. Yes ask your sister to take in your mother.

Really, life is too short for “could, woulda & shoulda” at our age as we too creep along towards the “September of our years”.

12 years is enough. Share the burden with your sibling (I hope she agrees). We work all these years for retirement when many of us have plans for travel, relaxation, hobbies, etc.

But our “tomorrow” is not guaranteed thus I say the it’s YOUR time. You do not sound callous at all. Your mother probably pursued her goals and plans for her life and you have the same right & to be guilt-free about it.
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When I moved out from my mom's house and back into my own house, leaving her with home care and a live-in grandson, I felt very little guilt, as I had come to the realization that I had to make a change. You are there too. So continue to make your plans. There is still much I do for my mom, but she is now in assisted living, so I not only have more freedom but also have gone back to being more of a daughter/friend to her instead of care giver. And you are on the good side of 50, where you know better what is the right thing to do.
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Basically we have similar situation but with Mother in law. She constantly quietly lets us know she is bored or has a new ailment like common aches or pains. It is impossible to go anywhere without her tagging along. 15 yrs now it is getting old. Basically, her grandchildren avoid her cause she brings conversations to "all about her" like she is only one who has lost her spouse or has arthritis.
She argues with her dog, cashiers or service people. When does the obligation end and our lifes begin? We retire next year and its basically depressing to think she will be " tagging" along. The guilt of hoping for her death is overwhelming.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
Robbed, why do you feel like you have to give more than you are able or willing? I believe that you have the choice to say, enough, other arrangements needs to be made.

This is about everyone and if it doesn't work for all it doesn't work.

This false obligation that parents place on their children is beyond selfish. She would have lots of peers to complain with in a facility and thereby never be bored.

It's like we teach our kids, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, nor does it mean it's a good idea.

I hope that you can find a solution that works for the greatest number of people involved and not just 1 of many.
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Agree: do move on with your life.
Agree: don't foist your mother onto your sister.
Agree: let your sibs know what your plans are after you've made them and if they don't like your plans tell them they can work it out, but don't change your plans for any reason.
Agree: don't pay for any of your mother's moving or care going forward.
Agree: no guilt.

Make sure sibs know there is a hard deadline for when this will happen. In the meantime I suggest you email your 2 sibs a nightly "recap" every night of what you've done for your mom *that day* (with details!). I did this when I was taking control of my stepFIL and MIL's crisis (but it was to keep everyone on the same page and expedite decision-making). They were flabbergasted at how much work it was and since they weren't local were more than happy to contribute in other ways. Congrats on the first day of the rest of your life!
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Countrymouse Jul 2019
"Congrats on the first day of the rest of your life!" - very nice :)
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Not at all, "Quite callous ...." It as if you ripped the words from my mind and placed them on this page, I just turned 40 been at this since age 15, and my mother will be 80 this year, when you become the caregiver of the caregiver is never good....I now know. I'm beginning to assume you are my doppelganger whom is living the same life, you could have known me and couldn't be more right! I am telling you run.... Run away far . However I myself can't seem to break that frayed tether either. So what to do? Right now I am in an "argument" with Mommy , on wether to go to a nephrologist....seriously , I'm beyond the line of the safety zone, stuck on an emotional rollercoaster , dangerous curves ahead level. Tried the assisted living oh what a mess that was , stuck with a 19 k bill and there refusal to bill Medicare , how to not be so scared and mad and sorry in one swoop is daunting ....
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This will only get worse. Much worse. Until you are a 24/7 caregiver. Your mother should now move to assisted living. If you have to run away to Australia with that son of yours for a year to accomplish it, then it might be worth it. Tell your Mother that you are not happy with the living together, that you have done it as long as you feel able to, that you recognize you and your partner have limited time to have your lives to yourselves. Tell her that you will help her find the right place. As I said, this is not going to get better. I would, before you discuss this with your Mom, let your Sister know that this is the plan, a family meeting with those who are close enough and conference call with those who are not if possible. You may want to also consult a licensed Social Worker who works with life change issues.
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You are not selfish to want to change your living situation and live separately from your mother.

You would be completely unreasonable to spring this on her - let alone on your sister - suddenly and without full discussion.

Don't get me wrong: you need *nobody* else's permission to live as you please. But twelve years in to this current arrangement, you want to go about the separation in an orderly way, building consensus as you go. Don't bulldoze it. With firm but careful handling and patience you should be able to avoid too much damage to relationships.

I just had a quick look and there seems to be quite a fair selection of retirement communities and sheltered housing developments in your area. The idea would be to do your initial research online, shortlist (say) three that you think are a good match for your mother's background and preferences, go and have a look at them, and see what you think.

You then need to email your siblings together and tell them that the time for proper care planning has come. You have some ideas, and you'd welcome any they might like to contribute too, and naturally mother will take the leading part in making decisions for *herself* - but the status quo will not be an option indefinitely because there are changes ahead.

Your siblings may not be much use, but I doubt if they have the first idea of how your sense of unfairness and frustration has been building up. "No news good news" tends to be the rule for those who aren't in the front line, and up until now they have been allowed to keep their heads down. Do not wish your mother on your sister, just like that, without first finding out how they might feel about the idea.

Again, it is absolutely not unreasonable, unkind, or un-anything for you to make the decision that you have done your bit and it is time for your mother's support to change hands; and it IS your decision to make. But there are ways and ways of going about things.

You have done much better than I did - you have spotted the caring "snowball" before it has engulfed you completely. Good catch!
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shb1964 Jul 2019
As per usual, Countrymouse nailed it (you really should be the new Dear Abby!). As a sibling who didn't really realize all the issues my sister was dealing with because, quite frankly, I didn't want to see it; it was being handled well and I was happy getting on with my life (the "it" being my mother). But it reached a boiling point in Oct 2016 when Mom broke a hip and "mild cognitive impairment" turned into a fairly advanced stage of Alzheimer's. Since then, both my brother and I are doing much more and Mom is now in a memory care facility. And we realized how late to the party we were, but can do nothing about years past now.

For all sorts of reasons - or "excuses" - siblings may not realize the full extent of a situation until they experience it up to their elbows. Then they may get it, as I and my brother (who has serious in-law family issues of his own, and who lives a few hours away) did. I regret not stepping in sooner, as does my sister, but I'm in there now and there's no going back. People get caught up in their own lives and time slips by.

I do agree with others who say it's undesirable and likely to backfire if you simply ask for their help or drop Mom off on your sister's doorstep with a suitcase. You certainly have the right to change your circumstances and get on with your life. I do hope they step up to the plate. Best of luck.
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Another caring soul who, in trying to help an aging parent has lost privacy, quality time and life with a partner. Time is not on your side, and your siblings do not care. You need to make the change, place mum into a elder home, and sell. And dont look back. It does not get better from this point.
Yes, this is my stance with my own parent. I so regret letting mother move in here...so many problems and I can’t go anywhere, and have to manage her life and do everything for her. I would not do it again, and I am forcing the issue on an independent living facility connected to a nursing home. We are going today. And if she drags her feet, I have no issue putting the house up for sale and moving on, because I deserve more, as do you. Good luck, no guilt ok? Hugs.
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Move your partner in with you or vice versa so that the two of you can start living under the same roof. It sounds like you want to sell your house. You need to figure out how long that will take and where you want to live. Enlist a realtor.

Since your mother has had a zero cost of living for 12 years, then she must have lots of money saved to pay for a pensioner flat in your area. You also need to prepare financially for your own golden years.

Do not ask your sister to take your mother. I think you would be setting yourself up for disappointment. Rather, once you and you partner make a decision about where you are going, and you have toured some pensioner communities for your mother, I would reach out to your brother and sister. The power dynamic is completely different when you tell them something like:
"Dearest sibs - partner and I are moving to Timbuktu in December. I have found several pensioner flat options for mother around Plymouth. Personally I like XYZ the best for her. Hope you both are well and I await your thoughts."

If they give you thoughts that are helpful, great! If they ignore your efforts, that's their problem. If your sister offers to take your mother, great! If she doesn't, you have a pensioner flat plan in place.
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If your siblings won't step up you could sell your home furnished, mom included. 😁

What does mom have to say about different living arrangements, since she never sees you it shouldn't make much difference for her.

I am sorry that she doesn't acknowledge all you do for her, that is so difficult to accept.

Follow your heart.

Edit: it's not like you won't ever see her again, this is about both of you having a life. She won't be happy, but that is not your problem.
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Yes you need to live your own life, however it is not your sister's responsibility to take over looking after Mum. It is Mum's job to arrange and pay for the care she may need.

You will likely hear lots of complaints from Mum that you are abandoning her. Sister may complain too, but that is not your problem. They are adults and can sort it out.
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You dont live with your life partner because of your mom?

And you think that YOU are selfish?

You are an adult who is deserving of your own life and life choices. Others will chime in with how to sort the details, but no dear, YOU are not the selfish one in this picture.
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