My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?
At 24, or any age, you do not want to get trapped and that is what will happen. Right now you are just his GF, u move it more will be expected of you. NO, don't do it.
Look at this relationship. Is it mostly one sided with you working trying to keep it together? After 7 yrs I really don't see marriage in this picture. I think its time for you to start looking else where. The women responding to you are older ladies who have been there. You deserve much better than ending up a slave to others.
I am adding that you are not selfish to want more than he is asking of you. Lets say you may finally be seeing "the light". Don't marry because you have been going together for 7 years. I know a woman who was about 31 when she married a guy that she had been going with for 7 years, never lived together. 5 yrs later they divorced. She gave up 12 yrs to this man. I should have warned her, I was was wife #1 and our marriage lasted 5 yrs and I was 24 when we married. If you have doubts, go with those feelings. I had them too but went ahead and got married. #2 went after me. He does nothing unless he considers how I feel first. Really, its a really nice feeling when a man pursues you. That he will do almost anything to make u happy and you feel the same way. For now, keep you independence. You are still a GF and if you were a fiance, I would not want to move in with grandma. Marriage is a couple coming together as one. Breaking away and being on their own. Your BF likes the status quo. No responsibilities and his own built in maid. Go with that gut feeling, its a survival thing.
Run as fast as you can, towards a man who wants to put you first, before his grandma or his Lhasa Apso or his ‘68 Mustang.
NEVER LOOK BACK!
Please, do yourself a favor and see the world, get YOUR own place and find love elsewhere.
If he can't commit to you after 7 years, he either isn't ready (yikes) or never will. You don't need to be tethered to a Man Boy.
Fact: living together before marriage has not changed the divorce rate.
The difference between living together and marriage is the difference between renting and owning. He doesn't want to own the relationship, which would require far more TLC and investment (and maturity).
If you move in with them, I guarantee you will be assumed into the role of caregiver. No! Don't! Stop! His gramma is not your concern. If you move out and move on things will be clarified for the both of you. Don't listen to any more promises or string-alongs from him. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you live your best life without him.
Find a new man who doesn't come as a package deal with his grandmother. A REAL man who puts his wife first and can either buy his OWN home or afford to pay rent on one because he's not leeching off of his elderly mom or grandma. I'm not wrong about this advice, either. You deserve better and you know it.
This isn’t really about his grandmother. It isn’t even about having your own home and decorating it the way you like and playing house with him, because -- and call me old fashioned, too -- moving in together and getting "engaged" means nothing these days. Everyone who's been dating someone more than a year now refers to their BF as their fiancé. There's literally no committment between the two of you -- you're both habits the other hasn't broken.
You need to give him a hug and a kiss, tell him you’ll always have a special place in your heart for him, and move on. It’ll be really, really hard, and you need to resolve yourself to not listen to any promises of getting engaged or married, because he won't be there willingly. You were both one another's first real love, and there's value to that, but it doesn't mean you should be together now.
Move on, get that place of YOUR own, and see the world a bit more. I think you'll find it was the right thing to do.
You've mentioned his mother. What is her part in all of this?
How old is the grandmother? Is our BF taking care of her in any way, or just living with her?
You are concerned about not having privacy, etc. in your life (which I agree about), but don't ignore the bigger issue, which is that at some point the grandmother will probably need caregiving. If you and BF are living there, it will be expected that it will be up to the two of you.
Even you, with your phrase " I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents," seem to think this will happen.
You are very young. There is a whole world out there that is going to become very difficult if you move in with the grandmother. Your BF has shown his true colors. Believe him. Move on.