Follow
Share

My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?

Your relationship has become "comfortable". He likes it the way things are. He has his cake and can eat it too. Then having you move in means you can help shoulder the burden. Grandma can't be much passed her 70s. If in good health, could go on for a long time. I would bet BF is living there free of charge.

At 24, or any age, you do not want to get trapped and that is what will happen. Right now you are just his GF, u move it more will be expected of you. NO, don't do it.

Look at this relationship. Is it mostly one sided with you working trying to keep it together? After 7 yrs I really don't see marriage in this picture. I think its time for you to start looking else where. The women responding to you are older ladies who have been there. You deserve much better than ending up a slave to others.

I am adding that you are not selfish to want more than he is asking of you. Lets say you may finally be seeing "the light". Don't marry because you have been going together for 7 years. I know a woman who was about 31 when she married a guy that she had been going with for 7 years, never lived together. 5 yrs later they divorced. She gave up 12 yrs to this man. I should have warned her, I was was wife #1 and our marriage lasted 5 yrs and I was 24 when we married. If you have doubts, go with those feelings. I had them too but went ahead and got married. #2 went after me. He does nothing unless he considers how I feel first. Really, its a really nice feeling when a man pursues you. That he will do almost anything to make u happy and you feel the same way. For now, keep you independence. You are still a GF and if you were a fiance, I would not want to move in with grandma. Marriage is a couple coming together as one. Breaking away and being on their own. Your BF likes the status quo. No responsibilities and his own built in maid. Go with that gut feeling, its a survival thing.
Helpful Answer (20)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Ariadnee Jan 5, 2022
Such a helpful answer, and so on point too.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do not do this. If he doesn’t want to get married or make any true commitment, you’re wasting your time. Moving in together won’t change how he feels.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to LoopyLoo
Report
Ariadnee Jan 5, 2022
Absolutly!
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
if you can get the Milk for free why buy the cow ? he has Grand ma providing a Home , Mom coking dinner and you providing sex - why would he want to change ? Go find another Boy friend and get on with your Life . He isn't going to change .
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to KNance72
Report
Ariadnee Jan 5, 2022
Exactly right, house, meals and sex. Work is a four letter word to him. This guy ain't a keeper! Run!
(7)
Report
If you’re thinking “It hurts” NOW when BF talks about not wanting to leave Grandma, just wait to see how you’ll feel about it in six months or a year or however long it finally DOES take you to realize that playing second string to a healthy old person who is the owner of a grandson who is making himself a lifestyle with lots of benefits, no strings, and “See you after I make Grandma’s tea and cut her toenails” is like watching life on a black and white TV.

RUN ROSE87!

Run as fast as you can, towards a man who wants to put you first, before his grandma or his Lhasa Apso or his ‘68 Mustang.

NEVER LOOK BACK!
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to AnnReid
Report
Ariadnee Jan 5, 2022
Hahahahaha! So funny! So true! Terrific reply, thanks for the belly laugh...tea 'n cuttin' toe nails : )
(6)
Report
See 3 more replies
Rose, if he is using Gma (who has his mom as her caregiver) as an excuse to not take the next step, it's because he doesn't want to take the next step and is too chicken to say so.

Please, do yourself a favor and see the world, get YOUR own place and find love elsewhere.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

My half sister is 59 and a widow. She met some guy who lives with his 82 year old mother and says he comes as "a package deal" together with her, so if my sister wants to marry him, she has to move into his mother's house and live with both of them. She wanted to know what I thought of the package deal? After I stopped laughing, I told her she was being sold a pig in a poke for godsake! This dude is looking for her to be his chief cook and bottle washer, sex partner AND caregiver to his MOTHER! HELLO? Of course I'm "wrong and don't know what I'm talking about" so I told her to come over here to AgingCare and she'll see firsthand what I'm talking about and no, I'm not wrong.

Find a new man who doesn't come as a package deal with his grandmother. A REAL man who puts his wife first and can either buy his OWN home or afford to pay rent on one because he's not leeching off of his elderly mom or grandma. I'm not wrong about this advice, either. You deserve better and you know it.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
Myownlife Jan 7, 2022
LOL, I think your advice is spot on and may be the best advice of all !! :)
(1)
Report
Ditto to do not move in together.

If he can't commit to you after 7 years, he either isn't ready (yikes) or never will. You don't need to be tethered to a Man Boy.

Fact: living together before marriage has not changed the divorce rate.

The difference between living together and marriage is the difference between renting and owning. He doesn't want to own the relationship, which would require far more TLC and investment (and maturity).

If you move in with them, I guarantee you will be assumed into the role of caregiver. No! Don't! Stop! His gramma is not your concern. If you move out and move on things will be clarified for the both of you. Don't listen to any more promises or string-alongs from him. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you live your best life without him.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Geaton777
Report
Ariadnee Jan 5, 2022
So true!
(2)
Report
Honey, he's stuck in high school, and you're starting to grow up. I’m sure he’s a very nice young man, but U2 are not in the same place and if you wait around for him to get where you are it’s going to be another seven years. All of a sudden you’ll be in your 30s and wondering what happened.

This isn’t really about his grandmother. It isn’t even about having your own home and decorating it the way you like and playing house with him, because -- and call me old fashioned, too -- moving in together and getting "engaged" means nothing these days. Everyone who's been dating someone more than a year now refers to their BF as their fiancé. There's literally no committment between the two of you -- you're both habits the other hasn't broken.

You need to give him a hug and a kiss, tell him you’ll always have a special place in your heart for him, and move on. It’ll be really, really hard, and you need to resolve yourself to not listen to any promises of getting engaged or married, because he won't be there willingly. You were both one another's first real love, and there's value to that, but it doesn't mean you should be together now.

Move on, get that place of YOUR own, and see the world a bit more. I think you'll find it was the right thing to do.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to MJ1929
Report
Ariadnee Jan 5, 2022
Yes!
(4)
Report
Your question of whether it would be wrong for grandma to live on her own is, sadly for you, inconsequential. Your boyfriend has made his decision and it’s firm. You’re not his priority and you’d be wise to move on. Just because you’ve invested a lot of years and effort doesn’t make it different. I hope you’ll move forward on your own and build a new life
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report
Ariadnee Jan 5, 2022
So true. If you stay (DO NOT) the situation you have describe will not change. Seven years and this is all he can do for you? Really? How is that even remotely acceptable? Honestly, given the access that people your age have to everyone, everything on their phones, why does your discription of what is going on read like something from the 1880s? Also, if your best friend texted you what you wrote here-what would you think?
(8)
Report
I see more to this than the issue of 'your own home, your own decorations', etc. The 'boyfriend' has been stringing the letter-writer along for years, and now drops the news that he's not ready to leave Grandma's home. If not now, when? That's a question to which LW may never get an answer. Instead, it is likely that LW will be eased gradually enough that she doesn't notice it, into a caregiver role for free. I also have to wonder if Grandma is letting 'boyfriend' live there rent-free, which would be a big incentive for him to stay put. Last but far from least, the long-term inpact on 24-year-old LW's earning history if the caregiving duties restrict her ability to be gainfully employed, earning SS credits, without legal standing as a spouse. She should stop throwing good intentions after bad, but at age 24 she may not feel that way. I wouldn't be so harsh if I hadn't gone through the "if only I could be good enough, then [boyfriend] would make my dreams come true". No, doesn't look that way from here. He wants free rent and a free caregiver, in my opinionated opinion. She doesn't need to be 'good enough' for him and Grandma. She needs to be good enough for herself.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to con3ill
Report
Rose87 Jan 20, 2022
That’s what I was asking him, after seven years you don’t feel ready or don’t want to make this step with me on our own? At that point I knew that my love for him was more mature than his. Yes he lives rent free (gm owns the house, he only pays internet) and he’s told me many times that we could save money living there but I rather pay expensive rent in LA than be eased into a caregiver position and not having that privacy. Thank you very much for your reply! Reading it made me think, “Yes! I need to be good enough for myself!”
(1)
Report
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter