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I'll try to make this short...basically I feel pretty burnt out-or starting to get burnt out but I'm not sure if it's me being ridiculous-if I should suck it up and realize that I am going over the top, or if I legitimately have reason to feel this way...
I have been a caregiver for years, but I took a break for some time until my boyfriend's 103 year old grandmother who lives upstairs from us had a fall and needed 24/7 assistance. Having much experience caregiving, I quickly told her daughter and her daughters husband that if they were going to hire someone, that I would be more than happy to take care of her. As it turns out, Norma, (the woman I take care of) was OVERJOYED and highly relieved that I wanted to do this for her. She now constantly tells me that "if I didn't have you I would DIE!!! I would LET GO," and she refuses to let anyone else do what I do. The one time it was brought up, she went into hysterics and whenever she has to go to her daughters, she becomes hysterical and horribly sad and will have horrible incontinentce and accidents and her memory worsens (I'm assuming due to stress).
Norma is HORRIBLY wealthy, as is her daughter. I mean-CRAZY rich. But they pay me next to nothing. I don't know how to bring this up to them or even if I should. And I am not getting free room and board. It is an expensive part of town, and my boyfriend and I pay all the bills. It especially makes me feel Terrible about even THINKING about asking for more pay...and this is hard because San Francisco is expensive to say the least...Also, my boyfriend is against me even thinking about the fact that I should make more, and that I'm not even making minimum wage.
I do most everything for Norma. I dress her, bathe her, make all her meals (and my boyfriends meals as well as driving him to and from work and taking care of any errands he needs fulfilled or driving. Him to and from appointments as well as giving him 85-90% of my paycheck every week for bills). I take her to and from appointments, run any errands she needs done, go to the store sometimes multiple times a day, fix her hair, give her manicures and pedicures, do her makeup...every time she needs to use the restroom, I take her...so basically all that. I feel like that's a bit, but my boyfriend tells me that I get to sit at home and that it's really doing nothing...so I feel like I'm just overreacting especially since most caregivers must be doing a LOT more...
At first her daughter and her husband told me that I would get the weekends off. That they would take her with them each time, and if she wasn't feeling up to it, that they would just stay here for the weekend so I would still get a break...
That never has happened. It has now been over three months without a break...but once again, I'm confused because I feel like maybe I should have more breaks, but since I live downstairs, I do get to sit around for sometimes up to two hours at the VERY most (when she naps in the afternoon) and clean or do things for my boyfriend or sometimes watch tv while I wait for her to use a beeper she wears around her neck to page me.
I apologize for not making much sense, but recently I have been so exhausted I sit down and the next thing I know, she is beeping me and I have fallen asleep sitting up. Sometimes I spend the whole night sitting up on the couch because after I put her to bed I try to wind down for a while and then just fall out...but once again, (and especially since my boyfriend tells me I'm not really doing anything and that he would take my place ANYDAY-he is an electrician) I really feel like I'm just tired because of other reasons possibly, and so I need to just stop worrying and accept things.
So that in a super confusing nutshell is what's going on...I guess my question is-what should I do and what am I doing? Am I right to feel this but your, or is it just me being silly and overreacting as I sometimes have done in the past...
I don't even know...

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Sweetheart, please leave. You are being abused. And get some therapy.
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smleon, sound like to me "you are not asking questions because you already knew the answers" and don't get upset about posters. You asked, they did answered. Here is my thought about your posts.... you are waiting for some inheritance from your boyfriend's GM? Having plan of getting merry with BF? Don't wait. Pretty soon you might end up taking care of entire your BF family without pay.Love is not forever thing. Just do right thing for you!!!! Sorry my English is second language for me.
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Maybe not over-reacting, but over-acting?
So sorry that I won't be able to help you.
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Like I said...I am feeling pretty tired...if I said he was 67, that's not right. He was born in 67.
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Wow. Ok. Let me clarify this again. MY BIRTHDATE IS 12/02/1989. My boyfriends birthdate is 11/26/67. No-this is not a daddy issue. I met my boyfriend years ago-before I began taking care of his grandmother whom I love to death. Again-I want to take care of her, and being a good person, I couldn't possibly just turn her over to someone whom she doesn't know and then would legitimately just give up life. And I surely could t let her daughter take her-given the previous circumstances and her daughters prior and continuing behavior.
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"I JUSTtyrned 26 years old. My boyfriend is 67," and

" I was born in 1989 and my boyfriend was born in 1967. "

?????
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Rainmom, I believe the BF is 67. Unless he's a Sam Elliott or Paul Newman look alike (but with no personality or savoir faire), this is more like a father-daughter relationship, and that may be part of the problem IF this really is true. Some girls need father figures to tell them what to do.

I now see the comparison to the cat woman who refused to leave while allegedly being treated abusively; it's like reading a book written by the same author.

BS meter is going off the charts. I call foul.
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" I am a person who CONSTANTLY doubts myself-especially when the person closest to me tells me that I am not really doing anything."

This I think is the core of the issue. You need to focus on your own self esteem, why you allow a man to be such a dominant force over you, and why he can manipulate you so much that he literally controls you, and why you need that reinforcement from someone else.

If you enjoy caregiving, you could do it professionally, get paid better wages and treated better, not like a servant.

Nor would you need to tolerate the abusive daughter.

But the key really is self-esteem and self-respect; absent that, this could be away of life for you. Recognize it now, get out and create your own life.

And without being cruel, do you really think this 67 year old man sees you as a partner or as a cheaply paid servant?

Time for some serious self-evaluation if you ever want to be a person in your own rights. As I wrote, there are help groups for women who are emotionally battered, unless you want to live this kind of miserable life.
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This one reminds me of the gal with all the cats...worked for a rich family and the guy beat her susposedly...remember that one?
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Ummm - if your bf was born in 1967 he is 49 or will be sometime this year. Ding, Ding, Ding - that's my bs meter going off.
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Clearly a maths error if bf was BORN in 67 he is 48 not 67 but that is not the issue. The issue is that you are ALLOWING and you are allowing him to treat you badly. What is more you are also owing the family to treat you badly. Unless and until you start valuing yourself then you are not going to be able to stand up to these people. Let me tell you that a professional carer would earn 30$ an hour. If that is 40 hours a week thats 1200$ a week and it doesn't matter if you aren't 'working' all the time - you cannot leave the house therefore you are working

Even a sitter would earn 20$ an hour and that would not involve toiling or bathing etc.

Now lets bolt on the abuse you are getting from the daughter. Please get out of that situation. Why would you give your heart to someone who doesn't value you at all? Do you think if the tables were turned he would hand over the majority of his pay check to you?

I DONT THINK SO
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Brandywine and windytown---shame on you!
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And I'm sure most of you will agree that I am beyond immature for posting yet another comment...but I assure all of you this is the last thing I will say.

I came to this website/forum blindly-just looking for other caregivers who could possible help me with my situation-just tell me if I'm overreacting. And if i am overreacting,what I might be able to do-or even just some support.support. And if I'm not-just let me know and tell me that this is what this job entails and that I truthfully just need to realize this. I thought that (because my boyfriend isn't supportive) maybe other caregivers would be.
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The age of myself and my boyfriend is not the issue. I was just responding to a post of another. To me-age is just a number. We have been together for over five years now.
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You guys have mad me feel terrible. So I guess I am just overreacting about this situation.
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And yes, I was born in 1989 and my boyfriend was born in 1967.
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Wow...that is really mature. I apologize if I seem immature for posting specific words in capital letters. I thought this forum was for individuals who needed help, wanted to talk to other are givers, etc...not to get made fun of or spoken down to. Never mind.
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Your 'boyfriend' is 41 years older than you? C'mon, over and out.
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Wow! Are you thirteen years old? CAPS DRAMA!!!!
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I'm sorry for another post-I just keep reading the responses and forgetting to comment on others' posts. I am not a senior, I JUSTtyrned 26 years old. My boyfriend is 67, his mother is much older-I'm not sure of her exact age, and like I said, her mother and his grandmother is 103
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Oh-also, if anyone was mislead by what I was saying-I ONLY work as her caregiver. I do NOT have any other line of work. I am here at the house, living one small flight of steps below her 24/7
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I initially received 400 a week, and then the first time they looked after her for two nights, they brought her back, upped my pay to 500, and started not giving me a break for months-and when I do get a break-it isn't a weekend. They pick her up Friday evening and bring her back no later than 9am Sunday morning. I don't think she knows what I'm making-and even if she did, her memory is going. I love her to death-otherwise I NEVER would have said that I WANTED to do this if they were looking for a caregiver. Even if she thought I should be paid more, she NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would tell her daughter what to do. Her daughter is HORRIBLE TO HER and makes her cry all the time and has told me MANY MANY TIMES "my biggest fear is that I will die before my mother. It's MY TIME!!!MY T I M E!!!" WHAT IF SHE LIVES TO BE 110!!!WHAT WILL I DO THEN!?!?" And anytime I mention things that worry me like "gee! These pills have a TON of acitaminaphen in them and she is taking quite a bit...that isn't the best..." She responds buy INSTANTLY cutting me off and saying something along the lines of "YOU COULD INJECT POISON INTO HER VEINS AND SHE WOULDNT DIE!!! SHE IS 103. IT IS YOUR TIME NOT HERS YOU LOOK OUT FOR YOU."
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Yea...no. I understand where some of you are coming from, but NO. ABDOLUTELY NOTHING IS OF NOR UNTRUE ABOUT THIS SITUATUATION. my boyfriend has his problems, and my family despises him. he tells me that I'm doing nothing, etc...and I want to believe him because I love him, but my family says he is a mean person. I suppose I'm just "that girl," in one of "those" situations. Regardless of him. This situation might have to do with the fact that his parents have never inquired or looked into another caregiver or a place which sends out caregivers-so maybe thy don't know what is an accurate pay. I'm saying this because the comments which some of you left have told me that this is not right. I am a person who CONSTANTLY doubts myself-especially when the person closest to me tells me that I am not really doing anything. EVERYTHING I have posted has been completely truthful-again. They are VERY rich, and also very stingy. And (in response to the first response to my post,) of COURSE I want to take care of her-and that is what also makes things difficult for me. I Feel like if I say Anything, her daughter will deem me unable to do this job, and they will send her to a home or something worse, and like she says-"if you weren't here I would DIE." And like I said-judging by the past reactions she has had to going away for a few days on the weekend? And just literally (at least it seems like this to me) giving up, It makes me not want to say a word.

Once agaIn, I apologize if my posts are cluttered and/or not entirely organized. I don't have much time to straighten everything out, and since I haven't had a day off in LITERALLY three months, I am pretty tired.
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Okay - the way I inturpted this was that the daughter is paying her to look after her mother which is the bfs grandmother. From the paycheck she gets from the daughter, the poster then gives most of it to the bf to pay bills which includes her part of the rent. Reading between the lines I'm guessing it's a 80-90% because the paycheck is so small and the expenses of living where she is, is high.

My bs meter is usually pretty good but I can't call this one - could just be crazy enough to be true.
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What should you do? Quit, dump the boyfriend and find a life away from that toxic situation.
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"But they pay me next to nothing. .... And I am not getting free room and board. It is an expensive part of town, and my boyfriend and I pay all the bills."

Missed this part. Are you saying that you give 85 - 90% of your paycheck to your boyfriend, plus pay room and board? This is unreal.
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smleonhardy, when the family said they were thinking of hiring someone to take care of Grandmother, an outside professional Agency would be charging them probably around $30/hour in your area.

You mentioned you get less than minimum wage. Do you have a written contract with the family regarding the number of hours you would work, what your duties would be, and the hourly pay? Let's say the contract says 8 hours but you find you are actually working 12 to 14 hours thus the pay would be less than minimum wage. Who is paying the payroll taxes? Or are you working as an independent contractor where you pay the payroll taxes? Did you get a 1099 for your income taxes from the family?

I found what your boyfriend said to you "you get to sit at home" to be very rude and insensitive. Maybe he needs to spend a week caring for his grandmother and see how much sitting around he does.

Why is your boyfriend unable to drive himself? Are you using your vehicle to drive him everywhere?
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You call this short?
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Sorry, it's BF's grandma, not mother, I misread that! And I totally skipped over the part about you turning over your paycheck to him. Hmmm, I agree that something seems a little off there, where is the paycheck coming from if you are always looking after grandma?
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I think you are being taken advantage of big time. You haven't mentioned what grandma thinks about you getting paid more. Have you asked her? If she appreciates you as much as you say she does I would think that she would feel you are worth being paid more. Who controls the money? I'm assuming if grandma is 103 someone else is paying her bills etc. for her. Does she even know how much you are getting paid.

No offense but your boyfriend sounds like an idiot. Two hours a day isn't much of a break especially if during those two hours you are basically on call.
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