First off, I apologise for the long post; this is my first time on the forum, and I'm still new to being a caregiver. Second, a little context to the situation- I'm thirty-five, and recently spent five years in the UK, got engaged, finished university, was working semi-professionally as an actress, and then had to return to the US because my visas hadn't lined up properly and the university I was going to attend canceled the course I was going to take. I returned to my hometown to help my mum find a new place to live because the mobile home park she was living in sold the home she was living in out from under her. I was able to find a place for both of us, and have been working at the local bargain store ever since. I'm trying to get back into university so I can finally get my masters, go back to the UK, get married, work on the West End, and start the theatre company I always wanted to start.
I've never been a caregiver before, and I'm trying *so hard* to make sure my mum is happy and has everything she needs, but she's not happy. She repeatedly tells me that she'd be happier dead, and that I can leave whenever I want to (I can't, I don't have the money, can't go back to the UK unless I'm going to school or I'm a 'Skilled worker', and I'm trying to get back into university in Canada, which is the only way I can see ever leaving my mum or the country and getting back to my fiancé) and that she doesn't need me anymore. But she's got glaucoma in one eye that's supposed to have surgery whenever I can get her back on her Medicare Part B- because she somehow managed to cancel it last June- and the other eye is a lost cause, so to speak. She has Lupus SLE, just like I do, but hers is less severe than mine, and... and she has some memory issues, asks me the same questions constantly, is up at all hours of the night, sleeps nearly all day, and...
And then when I try to talk to her about how I'm feeling and that I feel trapped, and like I'm never going to escape this town that I tried so hard to escape for so long, she tells me that I 'don't have any reason to feel guilty or be frustrated or angry' regarding the situation I'm in, and then I get told I'm 'being dramatic' because I'm an actress, and that I should just accept the job as the drama coach at my old high school, when I don't *want* to teach, and I hate teaching.
I feel *so guilty* telling her that I want my own life back, that I want to go home- because the UK that felt more like home than the US ever did- and marry my fiancé. She tells me I have no right to feel guilty, and maybe she's right.
Like, for example, I have four days off work, and I feel guilty that I don't want to do anything other than rest and catch up on sleep. And Mum said when I told her I had four days off that, "Maybe we could go somewhere and get out of town."
And I just thought, 'I spend *all* my time with you when I'm not at work; I *hardly ever* leave the apartment. I have *zero* friends in this town, I don't do anything except hide in my room when I'm not working, or I spend time with you. I never get a break from caring for you. Maybe I want to go and do something by myself for a day or two. Is that so much to ask?' But I never said it. I just shrugged and said that I'd probably end up sleeping the majority of the four days.
But I feel guilty for not agreeing to going away with her and staying home, I feel guilty for wanting to go back to university and wanting to go back to the UK, and even wanting to marry my fiancé. Maybe my mum is right, and I need to keep my mouth shut and stop feeling so frustrated and angry and guilty and just... accept it and get used to living in this horrible town. My therapist says that I'm justified in how I feel, but... but what if I'm really not? What if I'm not allowed to feel guilty and I'm in the wrong? Is this normal, or am I in the wrong for feeling so guilty?
I'm so sorry for the long post, and I'm so sorry for asking.
THIS
Guilt here isn't appropriate.
Guilt requires causation out of evil intent and plan.
Guilt means you not only caused someone pain out of evil intent but you refused to fix things.
As you understand now this isn't about guilt.
It is about the other G-work which is grief.
You are grieving that there are no answers to the pain visited upon you now, that you are suffering and that all your suffering isn't healing any of the problems.
Words matter. I assume this "therapist" isn't doing "cognitive therapy" but rather "talk therapy" in which she/he listens and listens without directing you out of self-harming thinking that is repetitive. It's a good way to collect 100s of dollar a week, but a poor way to get help in healing.
You have a right to a life. Throwing your own life on a burning funeral pyre is a CHOICE. No one will thank you for it, and it will help no one. Do consider switching to a better therapist.
What you've done is what you never should have done in the first place. You thought it was the right thing to do. We're supposed to sacrifice for others, remember? Unfortunately, what we're supposed to do as decreed by others takes us away from who we really are. At thirty-five, I'm sure you realize that you've fought the long battle to get where you are in life. You have a fiance', goals, educational needs, etc. etc. You gave it all up for mom. And she'd still rather be dead than here.
Mom will never be happy. And you're not responsible for making her so. We see variations on your post all the time on this site. Others have learned what you have, only sometimes it takes them a lot longer and they can never get back on their own track. Discuss this with your therapist. Make it clear that you are determined to get your own life back. Figure out a schedule for that; in six months, this happens, in a year, that happens, and stick to it. It's clear that Mom is headed for assisted living and eventually memory care. Looks like you're going to have to make that happen or turn it over to someone else who can make it happen.
A call to Adult Protective Services might be a way to start the ball rolling. You don't have to discuss your long-term plan with mom. With her cognitive issues, she wouldn't understand anyway. Go out and get involved in community theater. Let mom cry, but don't ever let her abuse you. Get her into adult day care if possible. Spend time with friends once a week. Get your fiance' to visit soon.
In other words, move on in any way you can, and good luck to you.
You can line her up with help in her area, get her Medicare sorted out, and set a date for yourself to leave. Maybe by January? You and your mom should go back to individual responsibility for your own lives. If she is truly incapable (as judged by a doctor) of living alone then she needs either in-home assistance, a care hike, or Medicaid and a SNF. You don’t mention how old she is but if you are 35 she’s likely 60-70 and could therefore live another 25 years or more.
I got divorced from a man who loved me (we're back together). I vacated a beautiful home that I loved, packed it all in and headed west. I had a lot of good times and knew a lot of good people, but it wasn't sustainable for me. So I came back. My mother needed some help and I bought into the whole Dorothy and Sofia fantasy and thought it would be like the 'Golden Girls'. It was not.
You may not be able to get back to the UK and open a theater company. I know how it works in the UK and western Europe. They won't allow someone like you to stay. Someone with plans to marry and I'm sure would work any job there even if it wasn't in theater. So I get it if you feel a little resentful too. I certainly would.
Get away from your mother though. That is step one. Take the job at the school teaching theater. It's going to pay more than working at the thrift or bargain store you're in now. Then you will be able to afford to have your own place. Believe me, living ten minutes away from her will be as much benefit to your mental health as living across an ocean from her. Then your fiance can come and visit. The two of you can make some real plans to be together without your mother listening in and trying to sabotage you at every turn. Of course she wants to maintain the status quo because it works for HER. She doesn't care if it works for YOU.
Take the job at the school. You don't have to stay there forever, but it will put you in a better position financially. When you have money the world is a very different place than when you don't. Good luck.
By the way the 'I'd be happier dead' and 'you can leave any time you want' is manipulative, gaslighting and your mother knows. She knows you're stuck where you are so she can say things like this for attention. Don't pay her any.
mother had decades and now broken down at 80, can’t walk, still trying to rule with an iron fist from a SNF hospital bed. I had to choose, my husband or her. I chose the man I married, went no contact. No other way with a tyrant like her.