Am I making the wrong decision to want to care for my mother at home?

If the aging person is terminal or has a life threatening disease including cardiovascular/COPD/CHF consider hopice to determine if the person meets criteria, they can do wonders when it comes to caregiving issues and respites for the caregivers. Each state and county is different with some having more services than others but its definitely worth a look. Hospice works a lot like Home care but the pts have a diagnosed terminal diease Fl allows Alzheimers as a diagnosis.

I think you have to do a lot of research of nursing homes - my decision to bring her home was because I didn't feel comfortable in making a fast decision and just picking a place for her to go. I did visit several homes and found 2 that I think would be suitable when the time comes. I looked at them as I did 15 years ago for child care - go and spend the day - talk to workers - they are the ones who will be caring for your mom - watch the transitions how well do they run - what do they do when it's bed time - our mom has moderate dementia - always wanting to go home - thinking we are her sisters or her brothers or her deceased husband - sundowners syndrome starts at about 3 and lasts until bedtime - it's good to ask the care givers if they have experience with the type of issues your mom has and ask if they have anyone else there with those issues - ask if you can talk to family members or watch how they deal with those people. The other difficult part is parenting a parent -especially since the "real parent" is really gone and now we are dealing with a different person.

I lost my mom suddenly 4 years ago - my heart goes out to you ddarkangel

The decision to bring a parent into your home to care for is not an easy one. My mother has been living with us for going on 3 years. She is able to get around the house in her wheelchair and go to the bathroom on her own.

But watching your love one decline is not easy either at your home or in a nursing facility. Yes there will definetly be days that you are on a roller coaster as someone had mentioned. But then there are days you would not have it any other way but with you.

The decision to move mom in with us was easy for me, but not for everyone.
I care for her 24/7 I am the only child. My son does not help, but my daughter and her husband do at times. My husband just works and comes home and goes to bed.

I do have a homemaker that comes in 4 hours 5 days aweek. This helps some.

Today is not a good day for me. I do not have privacy at all. Never have time to myself in my own home. It is going to be one of those days I was talking about.

But yesterday was a different story. My mother and I laughed all day long. She was having a good day and I got to enjoy that time with her. She is not herself everyday so I try and enjoy the time we have together when she is herself. This brings back good memories from my childhood.

This is an example of how your days will go...
Good luck with your decision.....

ginger123--May I ask where your from.
You said NH's are horrible, my Mom is in one and it is very nice.

Hugs to all of you who are taking care of loved ones at home! We are noticing that the caregiving needs increase quickly, and it is very time-consuming. My heart goes out to all of you doing this alone. You are such an inspiration and help, as I learn from you, and glean from all you are experiencing. Thanks for posting and sharing your struggles.

I have been caring for my mother for nearly six years. She is bedridden, on a feeding tube, in diapers and can do nothing for herself. All meds have to be crushed and administered thru the tube. She was diagnosed with Hairy Cell Leukemia in 2003 and got an infection in her spine called Potts Disease . This was caused by the chemo the Leukemia. The destroyed her immune system. She cannot hear well or see well because of all the meds she has had to take. Six weeks after she was diagnosed with Leukemia, my daddy got sick and I had to care for both of them! I had to put him in a nursing home because I could not care for both of them. I chose to bring my mother home with me after she was in the hospital for 5 months for 3 surgeries to remove vertebrae from her spine because of the infection. It has been the most exhausting and all consuming thing I have ever done!! I had to quit my job. My husband has had to continue to work even though we had planned to be retiring by now. I dont regret doing what I am doing for her and cannot bear the thought of a nusing home. They are horrible!! BUT, please tke some time to really consider your choice of whether to bring your loved one home rather that a nursing home. No matter how much thought you put into your decision, there is no way to prepare yourself for what is ahead! Every day is a circus and you will feel like the coaster ride will never end. There will be days of joy and love and days of tears and frustration. Good luck with the decision and remember to try to take time for yourself!

lhardebeck, its my mom who has cancer. dxd in june and now about to pass. finally i got some 24 hr hospice nurses and meds that she wont spit out. It has been so hard and I am afraid I wont know what to do with myself when she is gone. Today the nurse asked her what she wanted and she said "lets get this sh**** over with!" I had to laugh. I think her wishes were quite clear LOL . anyhow, now she is getting her meds so she cant spit them out and she is more relaxed and not it pain and now i am more relaxed and going to bed. Tomorrow, I will have to face going on without my best friend, a mom who has always been there for me....I cannot imagine what that will be like.....one foot in front of the other......^V^

I agree with the last person - we have moved in my mother - in law we are going on 7 weeks now - it is very difficult if you are used to your privacy and being free - it is like having an toddler again - she is into everything - we have had to baby proof our house and are on constant watch as to what she is doing - she hides things under her bed and moves things constantly - if you do this you need to be able to find a place to take her for the weekend so you can get a break - we both work so i take her to daycare in the morning and my husband picks her up in the afternoon. it is really hard - sometimes I wonder what am I doing on the other hand i wonder could I send her away now. Time will tell - the nice thing is she has good mobility and doesn't have urinary issues etc.

ddarkangel .. who has cancer ? yes they sucks , it killed my mother 20 yrs ago . watch her die from that sure is hell ...
by the way ill join you to alaska !! lalala think they serve margiritta ???
am bringin dadhome on tuesday , trying to gather up all the firewood i can get for the winter but i dont think im going able to do that since i will be staying home to take care of dad .
poor husband of mine , lucky my son said he will go help him . since he too need firewood to heat his house up .
got me a new grandbaby boy . proud mamaw i am ..
am not lookin frwd to be trap in my home and care for dad 24-7 again . its been 3 weeks since he went to hospital cuz of uti and now he is in rehab , that place is so depressing and they dont take good care of my dad . realy threw me offthe other day , shut him in his room withdoor closed and tv was not on and the nurse call button was hangin way out of his reach and caught him trying to get in bed from his wheelchair ! i arrived just in time to see all that . had to do some lit preaching to those young girls (cna).. u do not shut the door on my father , hahaha man u should seen thier red red face , all denied doing that , oh well whatever ....guess it be all well worth it when he gets backhome so i;ll know he s ok , no more worry warts ..

I have to laugh. All three of my girls have told me that they wont be taking care of me like they all have been helping me take care of my mom lol....I told them not to worry.....I will be buying a one way ticket to alaska and find myself a snowbank to walk into! Qwik and cold...a nursickle! cancer sucks.

I have to agree with you on the old age thing.
What-where-when are the Golden Years ??!!

thats good that is where your mom wants to be at . my father is like a small child , whiney wants me , he wants to be with family . he does not like to be aound pepole that he doesnt know . shows no interst in strangers ,
wants to be at home where his families are , so you are lucky that ur mother doesnt want that .
i for one , dont like nursing home . and i hope someday my girls willin to take care of me cuz i think i be just like my father hahaha . hopefully i be dead before i get too old and feeble ... cuz i dont like what i am seeing at that old old age ....

My Mom and I talked years ago about what she wanted if she needed that kind of care.
She ask me not to be the one to take care of her, she said that she would want to be in a NH, that it would make her feel horrible if I had to change her and do personal things like that.
I wanted to be the one to always take care of her but I think it was for myself, not her.
She's as happy as she can be where she's at and I go visit every other day.
I think she actually gets better care there then if she were with me-they know how to handle things much better then I do.

I took on my mom at her house in june of this year thinking it would be a short time. Its october now, and commuting, working full time and having school age children is tough. The hardest part is the nites of not getting sleep. Yes there are agencies out there but some parents dont want anyone they dont know. I am fortunate and blessed that a friend of hers helped me for several weeks so I could go home and get a break. I hate being away from my kids so much but in a way it has made us all strangely closer. The other hard thing is that as your parents age if you expect appreciation dont count on it too often. They get very self focused and they dont have a clue about all the things you are doing to make sure they are cared for. They get paranoid and think you are stealing from them, and they get cranky and moody.They also expect you to take care of their needs like yesterday. All of the extra time I have had with my mom has not been the best, I have spent most of the money she was going to leave me. I am not even sure she appreciates or understands all that my girls and I have done. I just pray it is over soon for her sake and mine and I hope I dont carry some of these memories with me and can only find the good ones. It is not the handholding sunset kissy goodbye thingy I would have wished for. But its not about me. She has been my best friend my mentor and always there for me when no one else was, So I am trying my hardest to make it a goodbye she would have wanted. I am looking back over the last 6 months now with tears running down my face thinking this has been the hardest time of my life. Would I do it again? yes. Havent been out much, or done anything fancy in awhile. But I have been where I was wanted and needed. Cleaning up armloads of poo and pee, and yea we have laughed more times than we have cried. She is all the things in a mom I hope I can be one day when I grow up. Trust your instincts you will know what to do.

Yes, I know the pain. Almost lost dad a few times before he was ready to go. I will tell you this;When it is his time, he will know. Pop died with just his nurse and caregiver from hospice with him. Didn't want all the fuss. He died in his own bed, a gift that we were able to grant him. To this day, I mourn and it has been 4 years. Remember this, you are giving him such a precious gift by taking care of him with family around. Never doubt your decision. It won't be easy, but it will be right. Bless you.
Linda

thank you ... yes i know that is why i am bringin him home . so i could enjoy him more .. :-) .. am sorry for your loss . i know one day i will have my loss too and it is so sad , i thought i about lost him , i tell you it tore me up , had me bawlin out in the hospital parkin lot . whew !! that was very very hard ....

lhardebeck,
Bless you. Wish I had my dad back. I would give anything to hear him. You are lucky.

hi , my father was living with me till he had batreia infection in his urine. now he is in rehab tryin to get strong and he is too weak . when i took him to hospital the dr didnt think he was going to make it , was shock the next day that he had pulled thru .
now since he is gone whew !! i feel so much burden off my shoulders ! i can come and go as i please and i can sleep all day if i want to . my husband and i go out to eat and have time on our hands , before when dad was here i couldnt go anywhere ., wake up all night long takin him to bathroom , listenin to him wa wa waaaaaa . i tell you its hard work .
but when he gets better i am bringin him back home . winter is coming and yes he does gets a better care here at home than at nursing home . one on one is alot better than leave him hangin and wait till its his turn . he did say he wants to go back home . he will get his wishes , ill bring my daddy back when he gets better .

It is wonderful that you want to care for your mother at home. I made my decision following a horrible accident at a "skilled facility". My decision was made easier by the fact that I wouldn't risk another accident happening to her. It is a constant uphill battle as I watch her health decline. Be sure that this is what you can handle ( I cry alot) and check all outside resources,you'll need them. I have many days that I can't get out of the house at all and sometimes become so depressed that when a rare opportunity comes I haven't the energy or the will to make it out. Weigh all your options and realize you are the one who has to make the best decision for yourself.

To MKandy -
I'm not sure we can direct our questions to someone but I admire you and how you love caring for your mom. I love my mom with all of my heart but it is so hard for me to face her aging and my heart aches. I wondered if you had any advice for me so I could handle my situation with love and not feel all these negative emotions. I want to enjoy my time with her but fear losing her which is where the anxiety comes from. She is a loving and kind Mother who has done so much for me. How can I help myself feel better if you know. I have a counseling appt tomorrow but I did love your reply. We do not owe it to our parents to care for them but how can I leave her at the age of 88 when I have lived with her all of my life ? I never married and never regretted not leaving until now. Thank you if you reply.

BELEIVE ME IT IS HARD I WAS TRAVELING BACK AND FORTH FROM FLORIDA TO NEW YORK FOR YEARS KNOWING SOMETING WAS WROG WITH MOM BEHAVIOR. BUT NO ONE WOULD LISTEN NOT EVEN HER OWN DOCTOR. AFTER MANY FALLS, I DEMANDED A TEST SHE HAD FULL ALHEIMERS. I NOTICE THE CONDTION OF THE HOUSE , HER STAYING UP UNTIL 1 AMCLOCK DOING BILLS, PUTTTING TRASH OUT AT 5 A.M.LEAVING POTS BURNING. I CALLED IN SOCIAL SERVICES AND ALSO DEPT OF ELDER. NEW YORK IS DIFFERENT THAN FLORIDA. I BROUGHT MOO TO FLORIDA TO LIVE WITH US HOWEVER HER CONDITION WAS WORSE THAN I WAS TOLD. I SLEPT ON THE COUCH ALOT, HAD TO LEAVE MY JOB. NO ONE WOULD HELP BUT A SWEET LADY WHO COOKED FOR MOM. MY UNCLE LIVE UPSTAIRS AND WATCHED OVER AND DID HER SHOPING. I WAS CHARGE OF THE BILLS. ITS IS HARD. BUT I DID DO MY BEST AND TRIED TO BRING MOM TO BE WITH US. HOWEVER THE FIREMEN WERE CALLED TO HELP AND ADVISED THAT SHE WAS ABE TO STAY WITH US HER CONDTION AND ALL THE MEDICINES SHE WAS ON. BEFORE EVEN THINKING ABOUT BRING MOM TO FLORIDA I LOOKED AROUND OVER 10 PLACE FOUND ONE I WAS GOING TO USE FOR DAY CARE. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. FIVE TIMES WE WENT TO CHECK UP. MOM CAME TO FLORIDA IN NOV 10 2007 AND WAS PLACED INA ASSISTING LVING OF WHICH I WAS THERE ALL THE TIMES SOMETIMES SLEPT OVER. I ENJOYED THE TIME I SPENT WITH HER UNTIL HER LAST DAY WAS THIS PASST MONDAY OCT 5, 2009. I WAS THERE ALSO THE POLICE AND FIREDEPT FOR SUPPORT. SHE WILL SOON BE WITH MY DAD. WHAT EVER YOU DO IT IS YOUR DECISION. BLESS YOU AND MAY GOD WATCH OVER YOU. PATRICIA61. PS CAROL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR ADVANCE AND SUPPORT AND ALWAYS GIVEN GOOD INFO.

hi- your husband will become a babysitter sometimes...I have had my 88 year old mother with us for a little over 2 years now- she has dementia- I have also lost all my freedom of coming and going- it is hard- but I really couldn't have peace of mind putting mom in a a nursing home- she wanted to live with us- I have a hard time just keeping up my garden now that she is pretty much house bound- the worst though, I have to agree is watching her deteriate- losing simple skills such as feeding, herself among others- we take everything one day at a time and know there may be a time when she must go to a nursing home- she has started to lose her balance and is falling alot 2-3 x a week - it is very hard on my back to get her up off the floor when I am home alone and I also have to pull three shifts- my husband works full time- I sleep on the couch alot- I don't say any of this to deter you - only honesty may help you make a decision- there may not be a right decision...only one you have to make as to what you think is best and then live ith it- I don't regret these last two years though and am very thankful to spend these last years with my mom- even if it has been the hardest thing I've ever done-I will always remeber the good times and her times of clarity- It isn't all bad- God give you wisdom and bless you with peace no matter what decision you make- Becky jo

Will this enhance your relationship with your mom or put more stress on? At this point only one of you is ill and limited - be careful you don't make it 2 people who are needy. Parents care for their children as best they can for about 16 years and it is unrealistic for them to then expect that their kids will care for them ( perfectly - as opposed "as best they can") for 20. We are each entitled to a life and some measure of happiness. No one should demand that only THEIR well being is to be considered. Elderly folks sometimes are missing filters or capacity to recall this fact, so YOU must for everybody's mental and physical health. It is NOT selfish, it is balance.

To lovingdaughter, most assisted living places have Memory Care Units. My friend has been in MC since fall, but before that was in assisted living for 8 years...at the same AL. I cried when he was moved to Memory Care, but he adjusted right away, and when I see all the love and attention the residents get there, I'm ashamed of myself. They have more activities and one-on-one than in assisted living, and the ratio of staff to residents is much greater than assisted living. It's a beautiful home, 68 residents, carpeted, private suites/or 2 bedroom suites (which my friend is in.) The tables are set with fabric tablecloths/napkins/2 forks/2 spoons/knife/juice glass/water glass/real flowers on the tables. They have a choice of soup or salad (or both) 2 dinner entree's, and 4 or 5 dessert at lunch and dinner. Breakfast is like ordering at a cafe'. Plus, they can have wine or beer if they'd like (and medication doesn't interfer.) They can have that at coffee hour every day too if they wish. A lot of the activities are in the living room, which is beautiful...cloth covered chairs/couches/love seats....big fireplace. Even I could take living there. And it's a joy to go visit! So...check out some memory care units at assisted living places.

My Mom was always a loner, once she was in the NH, I ask them to just take her to activities instead of asking her.
She now has been busy and not a loner anymore.
I took care of her for years, then the NH.
Neither is easy, I rest better because I know she's treated very good, has her 3 squares, and is safe.
I was lucky to find such a nice place, they have bingo, cards, music, friendship day and she has her hair done once a week.
We have no money, she is on SS and SSI, she now gets an allowance but really has no need for money except for a perm, which they get there.
You might want to look into something like that-don't believe all you hear about NHs, I'm not sorry about having her there, I do miss her tho.

Don't think that this move is not going to alter your life. It will, more than you know or expect. It will only work if you put up rules and get lots of help. Can she afford hired help from an agency? My mom is 88 and lives with us ( 4 years) and I would do some things differently. She is still angry because I don't take her out enough: has Parkinson's, artificial knee, anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, weighs 200lbs, and is only 4"10".

She tries to be patient, but sees taking care of her as my duty while her son does NOTHING. My question to you is why is she alone in the AL? Don't they have activities, is she a loner? Who do you think is going to fill her day when she moves in? YOU Will!!! Think long and hard. Wish my mom could do assisted living. She is just to far gone medically for that. I am sure she would have loved being with people her own age. Good luck.

It's honorable for you to want to do this. It encompasses your life, your time is no longer yours unless Mom is higher functioning and even so u may feel guilty leaving her alone too long. I would ask siblings to pitch in for respite care for YOU, so you can get some time off or be paid for the work. It takes over your life, unlike an infant whereby u can take the child with, Mom may not be able to or want to go out to places. Your home needs to be safe, no throw rugs, larger doorways, locks...get an emergecy button if she can use it. If she has a terminal disease Hospice can hel if it is further enough along (FL accepts Alzheimers as terminal). Check on Senior networks, churches for help.

It's always tough to make this decision. Especially when there is a spouse or you've been alone for so long. It's almost like having a child.

I've been a caregiver for about 8 years now and love taking care of mom. I may on the lucky side where she is still able to get around and do things on her own, to a point.

This decision will affect everyone to be sure to talk it though and be sure of what you want to to do. Good luck

I'd like to add the fact that I'm 70 years old.
I'm sure most of you are a lot younger and are stronger then myself. But it is a very hard jib.

In a perfect world, we could have two people that would Love,
care for, and watch over our loved ones 24/7.
When a person has that kind of load and is home bound daily, you WILL turn into a resentful piece of a person.
You will complain to anyone who will listen, very soon others will ignore you, tired of listening.
You heard NH are no good, so don't want to go there.
I found a very nice nursing home and I'm very relieved that Mom is getting good care and I can sleep nights.
They have many activities and she does more now then when she was home.
No, she's not totally happy but she wasn't before either.
I would say, NO, do not try it on your own, I did for many years and it has done it's toll on me.