Am I making the wrong decision to want to care for my mother at home?

That is a hard question because it can be difficult and I am not sure if anyone knows the answer. My 88 year old mom lives with me and her aging is depressing for me to watch. I love her with all of my heart which is probably the reason it is so hard to see her decline. Maybe someone will have a better answer for you.
God bless you .

My mom is almost 89. It is very hard for me to watch her decline, as you said. And, also hard to think of being her primary caregiver. I have 2 brothers who live far away. It's not like I'll mind her living with me, it's just that I KNOW for my own health, I'm going to need time away from her. I don't really know how the day care programs work -- I'll find out next week when the offices open. I've just always been so spontaneous -- if I want to go with friends for a night out, a weekend or even camping for a week, I would just go. That will soon change, and I need to know that there are some options for me.

It sounds as if you are not cut out for taking care of a 89 year old from what you have written. What is motivating you to have her move in with you. You owe it to yourself and her to be honest before making the move. It is not simple

I may be a bit biased because I provide home care services for older adults, but I will tell you that I recently moved several individuals out of assisted living back to their own homes or their childrens' homes. The reason for each move is that the family did not feel like their loved ones were getting the proper amount of attention from the individuals at the facility. This is often more than a social issue. Some older adults need constant supervision, or they run the risk of falling, or, depending on their condition, worse. Assisted living works for some people who can function somewhat independently or for those who take advantage of the social activities. But for many, they don't get enough one-on-one attention from the staff because each staff member is assigned many patients. Can't you use some of the money that's being paid for assisted living for home care services? Even if it's a few days a week, you would have some respite. You should also look into your local senior center or adult day care center for additional respite time. You can find these by contacting your local Area Agency on Aging. I don't think you're making the wrong decision. You just have to make sure that you can handle it because being a 24/7 caregiver can be extremely stressful. There are, however, many who do it because they believe in their hearts that it's right. You just have to make sure you have the proper supports in place.

I care for my mom 24/7. I only get 1 day off a week . And it is short and sweet. Some times I don't leave the house for a week and it has be weeks without leaveing the house . That is not good.
You have to make sure you can come and go has you need to. You must have help. And enough money to surpport you and your mom.If we run out of milk it might be days before I can go get some. Just think about all this before you do it. You have to have other people who are free to help you out. Good luck.

It's probably the hardest job I've ever done. But also, the most rewarding. I took my Mom from a nursing home in September 08. She had severe Dementia. There were times I thought I couldn't do it another day. Honestly, it's a very tough, lonely, journey. I had very little help or support from family. You need to make sure you get some help. You still need to take care of you! If she needs 24/7 care, you have to get some respite care away from the everyday caregiving stress. I did what I set out to do for my Mom. I cared for her till she passed on September 11, 2009. I would do it all over again, if I could.

Dear newatthis, you got some excellent suggestions and balanced feedback from september, Annlidiot, jmhca, ksue, and marylee. It is so very wise of you to ask for counsel up front, as this is often a life-changing decision for everyone considered. It seems your heart is in the right place. It is difficult to give perfect advice, as each situation is different, and no one can really tell you what to expect, except to share their own observations and experiences. Still, those may differ from yours. Getting help seems to be the overall concensus here. Just know we want to encourage you in whatever you decide to do. Take care, and best wishes.

I don't think it's a wrong decision if that's what you want to do. Just be sure to let her know that you will continue to go and come as you please. Since you will be hiring live-in care, you will get some time to yourself as well!

All the best.
Jackie

Wow, this is a big major life change decision. None of us on this web site can make this for you. We can not physically be there for you when you need time off or when a caregiver cancels. Careing for a person with dementia is hard. The fact that you want to take on this task- my heart goes out to you. You want to make her life better- the reality is are you going to be able too? What is lacking in her current assisted care facility? I hear your care and desire- how is it going to affect the relationship with your husband? He doesn't want to be a baby sitter. . . Will this be the cause of a breaking point that you want or don't want? Overtime, Mom will need alot of hands on care- there are agencies and services that can help you, but the reality is that in some areas the care is spotty. Even with live in care you will still be a hands on caregiver no matter what. Spontanious week-ends will need to planned in advance for food, activities, and supplies. Even when you are gone, you will need to check in to make sure that all is well at home. I didn't know this in advance of careing for my mother in my home what caring for her would entail- even with paid caregivers. The reality is that I would do it all over again knowing what I know and lived through. The piece of mind that I have is priceless- what I payed for her care emotionally and financially...for me, it was worth it.

YES THIS IS A VERY HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER, I MY SELF WAS ELECTED TO BE MY MOTHERS DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY, LEGAL EPOXY, AND EXECTIVE ON HER WILL WIHT OUT MY TELLING HER ANYTHING, THING WAS BEFORE THE ALTZMEIRS, STARTED, I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR HER, AND WHEN SHE GOT BAD, I WAS FLYING BACK AND FORTH OVER SIX YEARS FROM TAMPA FLORIDA TO NEW YORK. TAKING CARE OF HER. THE LAST TIME SHE FELL IN 2005, AND WAS PUT INTO A NURSING HOME I KNEW I WANTED HER WITH ME IN FLORIDA, IT TOOK A LOT, SINCE SHE OWNED A HOME, THE TITLE WAS NEVER CHANGED AND I WAS STILL WORKING. I LEFT MY JOB IN JUNE 2005, TO START GETTING MOM READY TO COME TO FLORIDA. DUE TO THE CONDITION OF THE HOUSE I HAD A LOT OF WORK AND CLEANING. I DID NOTICE BACK IN 2001 SHE WAS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MONEY, SAVINGS THINGS, NOT PAYING BILL SO I DID CHANGE THE CHECKING ACCOUNTS TO READ POWER OF ATTORNEY. SHE WAS IN A TOTAL OF FOUR NURSING HOMES IN NEW YORK DUE TO REHAB, AND THE LAST ONE THE ALTZEIMER'S WAS BAD AND ALSO HER DIABETIC CONDITION. THE HOSPITAL DID NOT TELL ME HOW SICK SHE WASS, I WAS THE ONE IN 2003 AND TOLD THE DOCTOR SHE NEEDED TO BE TESTED. MOM CAME TO FLORIDA NOV 10, 2007 AND WAS WITH US FOR FOUR DAYS, WED SHE WAS IN A ASSISTING LIVING HOME CLOSE BY. WE DID MAKE OUR HOME SAFE, SET UP A BEATUIFUL ROOM AND A EXTRA ROOM FOR A NURSE IF NEEDED IN OUR OWN HOME, BUT THE FIRE DEPT HAD TO BE CALLED TUES NOV 13, 2007. MOM WOULD NOT TAKE HER MEDICINE. THEY ADVISED ME THAT I COULD NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN, BUT I WAS LUCKY I DID FIND A SFE PLACE FOR MOM AND WAS THERE ALL THE TIME HELPING OUT AND ENJYING MOM COMPANY. I DID HOWEVER BEFORE BRINGING MOM TO FLORIDA LOOK AT 10 PLACES AND FOUND THIS BEAUTIFUL HOME WITH LOVING CARING PEOPLE, CLEAN ALL THE TIME, FAMILY TYPE THROUGH A SWEET LADY IN THE HOME DEPOT STORE. IN CASE I COULD NOT DO IT MYSELF OR EVEN FOR DAY CARE FOR MOM . I WANTED A CLEAN PLACE TO HAVE HER LIVE HER LAST YEARS OUT.IT IS HARD IF YOU CAN DO IT I BLESS YOU AND GIVE YOU STRENGTH AND GET GOOD HELP FOR YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN TRUST. WITH ME THE THE TRAVEL WAS GETTING TO ME OVER 30 TRIPS. I AM TYPING THIS E-MAIL OUT LATE AT NIGHT, MY MOM JUST DIED TODAY AT 1:57 P.M. HOLDING ON TO MY HAND HER BODY COULD NOT FIGHT IT ANY MORE. I LOVE MOM AND MISS HER SO MUCH. LIFE IS SO SHORT, WE MEET MANY BATTLES ALONG THE WAY. GOD WATCHES OVER US. BUT MOM IS IN A SAFER PLACE WITH NO PAIN. I BLESS THAT I HAD THE SUPPORT OF THE ASSISTING LIVING, FIRE DEPT AND POLICE TO BE WITH ME I WAS WITH HER IN HER LAST HOUR HOLDING ON TO HER. YOU HAVE TO MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND, MAKE SURE HOW BAD HER CONDTION IS FROM THE DOCTORS. I HAD NURSING SOCIAL SERVICES NURSING AIDES HELPING THEY DID NOTHING. THE HOUSE WAS A MESS. I JUST GAVE HER LOVE AND SUPPORT, BEING THERE ALL THE TIME AND SOMETIMES SLEEPING OVER AT NIGHT AT THE HOME OVER SO SHE WOULD SEE ME BEFORE SHE WENT TO SLEEP AND GOT UP. MY DID KNOW ME UNTIL A FEW DAYS AGO HER BODY STARED TO AIL. SHE WAS ONLY IN THE HOSPITAL AND WAS SENT BACK TO DIE WITH LOVE, SUPPORT, COMFORT AND BE WITH FRINDS SHE LEARN TO KNOW. *BLESS YOU AND THANK ALL OF YOU FOR BEING OUT THERE GIVING YOUR LOVE AND KINDNESS. CAREGIVING IS HARD IT NEVER ENDS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE IN A ASSISTING LIVING OR NURSING HOME OR WITH YOU. THAT IS YOUR LOVED ONE. PATRICA61

My Father complained so much about the assisted living facility he was at, which was very nice, by the way, that I moved my Father back to his home and moved in with him..he is 85 and had a stroke. He needs minimal supervision and cannot drive anymore. I thought it would not be that difficult. I was wrong, it is the hardest job I have ever held, on top of watching him decline, which is sad. I have no life, and he is so moody, that no one comes around anymore. Please think twice before you make this decision. I was warned in advance, by a Senior care advisor, and didn't listen. On top of taking care of his every need, i have to run the household, pay bills, wash, clean etc, and there is no time for me. The mental and physical strain is incredible. Respite is expensive, plus he wants no one else but me around, refuses to go to daycare, so it doesn't happen. Of course, then there is the guilt for feeling this way because you love them dearly. I am sorry to sound so negative, but this is the reality. Caring for the elderly parent is no easy task. Good Luck.

THERE ARE MANY PLACES OUT THERE. YOU CAN EVEN CALL ELDER CARE THEY CAN GIVE A LIST. VISIT MANY AT DIFFERRENT TIMES. DO WALKS INS. CHECK AT LUNCH TIME HOW THEY FEED THE RESIDENTS. I WAS VERY LUCKLY TO FIND A GOOD ASSISTING LVIING, I WAS THERE ALMOST EVERY DAY AND AT TIMES I SLEEP OVER TO MAKE MOM FELL GOOD SEEING ME THE NEXT MORNING AND SAYING GOODNIGHT. ITS IS HARD TAY WITH THE INTERNET PROGRAM IT HELP ME THROUGH MY TIME OF NEED. I JUST MOM TODAY MONDAY NOV 5, 2009.PATRICIA61

Patrica, many condolances for your loss. Thank you for sharing your wonderful words of wisdom and understanding. You give us all something to think about. What a journey you and your mom had. So praiseworthy that you were with her to the end. May God comfort you during this part of the journey, and give you strength as you grieve the loss of your mom.

Dear Newathis,
I typically do not respond after posting,and in life, there are times when the rules that we make should change- this is one of them. You have a difficult decission to make. You have read all of the postings- it now comes down to you and your family. Are you able and capable of taking on the care that may be needed- I say may because each family is different and the care that you will need to provide- despite any diagnosis, is going to affect you and your families current life. This is not about gathering all of the horror story's- it's about what is best for you and the person that you care for. Don't look back or second guess yourself. If you feel that bringing your loved one to live with you is what is best for both of you at this time- go for it. Depending on where you live, there are alot of community resources that can and will support you. When and if the time comes that it is not in either of your best interest- and you know in your heart of hearts that you did all that you could do and that placement in a facility, no matter how difficualt, is the best place for them now- due to financial, physical or emotional resons -know that you will make the right decission. It's not about you. So many times caregivers try to do the right thing when actually they are so concerned how their family or others will see them - and judge. Please try not to fall into this trap. It sounds to me that your heart is in the right place. If you want to bring your loved one home to live with you, give it a go. If it doesn't work out, you succeeded in trying.

Nataly1,

I am sorry you view relaying or sharing our life experience in caring for a loved one as "horror" stories. In caring at home for our loved ones, you must be prepared, so that your expectations are realistic, and hopefully to be helpful in coping in the present and future. This forum is for the purpose of being up front and honest, and being able to share in the event it may help someone make this very difficult decision. Of course it is not all about you, but instead for providing the very best care and environment for your loved one, filled with love and caring.
All our hearts, I would like to believe, are in the right place, in wanting to be there for our loved ones. I also believe home is the best place to care, no matter how difficult and sad the task is. i wish someone had prepared me in advance. My decision would still have been the same, to bring my love one home, but to be informed in advance of potential situations, can be a useful too to eliviate some of the stress involved. If you have never done this before, you have no idea. Also, a big part of it is to go day by day, as things change constantly, and you must readjust, especially to make things safe and comfortable for your loved one.
It is the hardest job I have ever held, but also the most rewarding. Good luck and thanks for giving me the opportunity to share. As Caregivers, we must reach out ot each other for support, not criticism.

You really need to weigh out the options here. One is your mom and the effects on her of moving her to your home. Why do you think an adult daycare center will work, when she is in a place where they probably have daily activties that she doesn't participate in? Is it because she can't get to them or because she chooses not to. If it's the latter, she probably won't be very happy in an adult daycare situation. And except for you, she will also be alone in your home and without socialization. The other thing to consider is the effect on you and your family. My hospice chaplain told me that caregivers have a very high rate of fractured families, either children problems or divorces. Your husband says he is open to her moving in, but doesn't want to become a babysitter. What happens to your marriage when you are a 24/7 babysitter? Unless your mother is able to live independently and stay at home unassisted, you will be giving up your freedom to come and go as you please. Take it from one who is there, that becomes very isolating and oppressive. I think if you are going to do this, do it with an open mind and not as a final step - keep the option of returning your mom to assisted living viable.

Redmax,
My comment was never meant as criticism- it was about understanding. I cared for my mother in my home for over 16 years. Depending on the environment- home is not always the best place to be, but in my situation and for my family it was. Yes we made changes and rearranged our lives. It wasn't easy, but it was a choice- and for my family it was a choice that I made and they had to live with- and we worked through. As for horror stories- there are times when we take what is going in our life and apply it to others.I can recall several times in my life where I had life changing moments such as pregnancy or marriage and well meaning strangers and friends were more than happy to tell me how things didn't work out well for them. The reality is that we are all diffent. The dementia is different, our relationship to the person is different and how we will deal with the situation is different. There is not right or wrong way to care- what works for one person may not work for another. As caregivers, we need to pull in all of the advice and then do what is going to best for us- and the person that we are careing for. I was fortunate that I had a terrific day care center that was dementia specific that my mother attended for over 10 years. Later on, she was on and off hospice. Care costs, emotionally, physically and financialy. No matter what our personal situation, caring for a person with dementia whether they are in our home or in a facility it's going to affect us. With proper guidence, education and support, living with a person who has dementia will be easier- not better- just easier, and as caregivers this is what we need to hold on to and reach out to.

I also cared for my mother for 10 years before she died of metastisized breast cancer = lymphoma and bone cancer. It was not a horror story, just difficult to see her suffer, but so happy to have had that time with her. Same with my Dad. I am not trying to transfer my situation to someone elses or compare. Each experience is unique in itself. All I am saying is to cherish every moment that you have with your parents as you travel down the road of caregiving, however difficult or not it may be for you and your family. It is never a horror story, and I do not view it as such. I guess I took offense to you referring to in that manner..
Caregiving is kind of a learn as you go situation. Sometimes families are thrust into this situation overnight, without much time to research and become informed in advance. Sometimes not..I am not trying to impose on or scare anyone, with my experience. It is just my story to tell.

In a perfect world, we could have two people that would Love,
care for, and watch over our loved ones 24/7.
When a person has that kind of load and is home bound daily, you WILL turn into a resentful piece of a person.
You will complain to anyone who will listen, very soon others will ignore you, tired of listening.
You heard NH are no good, so don't want to go there.
I found a very nice nursing home and I'm very relieved that Mom is getting good care and I can sleep nights.
They have many activities and she does more now then when she was home.
No, she's not totally happy but she wasn't before either.
I would say, NO, do not try it on your own, I did for many years and it has done it's toll on me.

I'd like to add the fact that I'm 70 years old.
I'm sure most of you are a lot younger and are stronger then myself. But it is a very hard jib.

It's always tough to make this decision. Especially when there is a spouse or you've been alone for so long. It's almost like having a child.

I've been a caregiver for about 8 years now and love taking care of mom. I may on the lucky side where she is still able to get around and do things on her own, to a point.

This decision will affect everyone to be sure to talk it though and be sure of what you want to to do. Good luck

It's honorable for you to want to do this. It encompasses your life, your time is no longer yours unless Mom is higher functioning and even so u may feel guilty leaving her alone too long. I would ask siblings to pitch in for respite care for YOU, so you can get some time off or be paid for the work. It takes over your life, unlike an infant whereby u can take the child with, Mom may not be able to or want to go out to places. Your home needs to be safe, no throw rugs, larger doorways, locks...get an emergecy button if she can use it. If she has a terminal disease Hospice can hel if it is further enough along (FL accepts Alzheimers as terminal). Check on Senior networks, churches for help.

Don't think that this move is not going to alter your life. It will, more than you know or expect. It will only work if you put up rules and get lots of help. Can she afford hired help from an agency? My mom is 88 and lives with us ( 4 years) and I would do some things differently. She is still angry because I don't take her out enough: has Parkinson's, artificial knee, anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, weighs 200lbs, and is only 4"10".

She tries to be patient, but sees taking care of her as my duty while her son does NOTHING. My question to you is why is she alone in the AL? Don't they have activities, is she a loner? Who do you think is going to fill her day when she moves in? YOU Will!!! Think long and hard. Wish my mom could do assisted living. She is just to far gone medically for that. I am sure she would have loved being with people her own age. Good luck.

My Mom was always a loner, once she was in the NH, I ask them to just take her to activities instead of asking her.
She now has been busy and not a loner anymore.
I took care of her for years, then the NH.
Neither is easy, I rest better because I know she's treated very good, has her 3 squares, and is safe.
I was lucky to find such a nice place, they have bingo, cards, music, friendship day and she has her hair done once a week.
We have no money, she is on SS and SSI, she now gets an allowance but really has no need for money except for a perm, which they get there.
You might want to look into something like that-don't believe all you hear about NHs, I'm not sorry about having her there, I do miss her tho.

To lovingdaughter, most assisted living places have Memory Care Units. My friend has been in MC since fall, but before that was in assisted living for 8 years...at the same AL. I cried when he was moved to Memory Care, but he adjusted right away, and when I see all the love and attention the residents get there, I'm ashamed of myself. They have more activities and one-on-one than in assisted living, and the ratio of staff to residents is much greater than assisted living. It's a beautiful home, 68 residents, carpeted, private suites/or 2 bedroom suites (which my friend is in.) The tables are set with fabric tablecloths/napkins/2 forks/2 spoons/knife/juice glass/water glass/real flowers on the tables. They have a choice of soup or salad (or both) 2 dinner entree's, and 4 or 5 dessert at lunch and dinner. Breakfast is like ordering at a cafe'. Plus, they can have wine or beer if they'd like (and medication doesn't interfer.) They can have that at coffee hour every day too if they wish. A lot of the activities are in the living room, which is beautiful...cloth covered chairs/couches/love seats....big fireplace. Even I could take living there. And it's a joy to go visit! So...check out some memory care units at assisted living places.

Will this enhance your relationship with your mom or put more stress on? At this point only one of you is ill and limited - be careful you don't make it 2 people who are needy. Parents care for their children as best they can for about 16 years and it is unrealistic for them to then expect that their kids will care for them ( perfectly - as opposed "as best they can") for 20. We are each entitled to a life and some measure of happiness. No one should demand that only THEIR well being is to be considered. Elderly folks sometimes are missing filters or capacity to recall this fact, so YOU must for everybody's mental and physical health. It is NOT selfish, it is balance.

hi- your husband will become a babysitter sometimes...I have had my 88 year old mother with us for a little over 2 years now- she has dementia- I have also lost all my freedom of coming and going- it is hard- but I really couldn't have peace of mind putting mom in a a nursing home- she wanted to live with us- I have a hard time just keeping up my garden now that she is pretty much house bound- the worst though, I have to agree is watching her deteriate- losing simple skills such as feeding, herself among others- we take everything one day at a time and know there may be a time when she must go to a nursing home- she has started to lose her balance and is falling alot 2-3 x a week - it is very hard on my back to get her up off the floor when I am home alone and I also have to pull three shifts- my husband works full time- I sleep on the couch alot- I don't say any of this to deter you - only honesty may help you make a decision- there may not be a right decision...only one you have to make as to what you think is best and then live ith it- I don't regret these last two years though and am very thankful to spend these last years with my mom- even if it has been the hardest thing I've ever done-I will always remeber the good times and her times of clarity- It isn't all bad- God give you wisdom and bless you with peace no matter what decision you make- Becky jo

BELEIVE ME IT IS HARD I WAS TRAVELING BACK AND FORTH FROM FLORIDA TO NEW YORK FOR YEARS KNOWING SOMETING WAS WROG WITH MOM BEHAVIOR. BUT NO ONE WOULD LISTEN NOT EVEN HER OWN DOCTOR. AFTER MANY FALLS, I DEMANDED A TEST SHE HAD FULL ALHEIMERS. I NOTICE THE CONDTION OF THE HOUSE , HER STAYING UP UNTIL 1 AMCLOCK DOING BILLS, PUTTTING TRASH OUT AT 5 A.M.LEAVING POTS BURNING. I CALLED IN SOCIAL SERVICES AND ALSO DEPT OF ELDER. NEW YORK IS DIFFERENT THAN FLORIDA. I BROUGHT MOO TO FLORIDA TO LIVE WITH US HOWEVER HER CONDITION WAS WORSE THAN I WAS TOLD. I SLEPT ON THE COUCH ALOT, HAD TO LEAVE MY JOB. NO ONE WOULD HELP BUT A SWEET LADY WHO COOKED FOR MOM. MY UNCLE LIVE UPSTAIRS AND WATCHED OVER AND DID HER SHOPING. I WAS CHARGE OF THE BILLS. ITS IS HARD. BUT I DID DO MY BEST AND TRIED TO BRING MOM TO BE WITH US. HOWEVER THE FIREMEN WERE CALLED TO HELP AND ADVISED THAT SHE WAS ABE TO STAY WITH US HER CONDTION AND ALL THE MEDICINES SHE WAS ON. BEFORE EVEN THINKING ABOUT BRING MOM TO FLORIDA I LOOKED AROUND OVER 10 PLACE FOUND ONE I WAS GOING TO USE FOR DAY CARE. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. FIVE TIMES WE WENT TO CHECK UP. MOM CAME TO FLORIDA IN NOV 10 2007 AND WAS PLACED INA ASSISTING LVING OF WHICH I WAS THERE ALL THE TIMES SOMETIMES SLEPT OVER. I ENJOYED THE TIME I SPENT WITH HER UNTIL HER LAST DAY WAS THIS PASST MONDAY OCT 5, 2009. I WAS THERE ALSO THE POLICE AND FIREDEPT FOR SUPPORT. SHE WILL SOON BE WITH MY DAD. WHAT EVER YOU DO IT IS YOUR DECISION. BLESS YOU AND MAY GOD WATCH OVER YOU. PATRICIA61. PS CAROL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR ADVANCE AND SUPPORT AND ALWAYS GIVEN GOOD INFO.

To MKandy -
I'm not sure we can direct our questions to someone but I admire you and how you love caring for your mom. I love my mom with all of my heart but it is so hard for me to face her aging and my heart aches. I wondered if you had any advice for me so I could handle my situation with love and not feel all these negative emotions. I want to enjoy my time with her but fear losing her which is where the anxiety comes from. She is a loving and kind Mother who has done so much for me. How can I help myself feel better if you know. I have a counseling appt tomorrow but I did love your reply. We do not owe it to our parents to care for them but how can I leave her at the age of 88 when I have lived with her all of my life ? I never married and never regretted not leaving until now. Thank you if you reply.

It is wonderful that you want to care for your mother at home. I made my decision following a horrible accident at a "skilled facility". My decision was made easier by the fact that I wouldn't risk another accident happening to her. It is a constant uphill battle as I watch her health decline. Be sure that this is what you can handle ( I cry alot) and check all outside resources,you'll need them. I have many days that I can't get out of the house at all and sometimes become so depressed that when a rare opportunity comes I haven't the energy or the will to make it out. Weigh all your options and realize you are the one who has to make the best decision for yourself.