Am I living in fantasy land?


My 90 year old mother came to live with me 5/22/17. She had her own room complete with cable TV, computer, frig., and microwave. I had the entire room remodeled complete with new carpeting, etc. for her before she moved in. Then came hurricane Irma. With the move to a shelter and then FEMA emergency housing she got more and more confused. Finally on Nov. 1 she decided that she was going back to Daytona (6-7 hr. drive) in a car registered to her, with a valid drivers license and insurance. I am her daughter and only living relative. Although I'm her health care surrogate, I have no legal power over her. While on her little vacation she fell and broke her shoulder. Now on Nov. 1 she walked under her own power, without a cane to her car. When we got home (I drove) she couldn't even walk into the house without major support, and then less than two feet from the bed decided that she couldn't go any further and did a controlled sit on the floor. She has spent 3 days in the hospital and is scheduled to go to a rehab center and then a SNF for 3 weeks before she comes back to my home (which still has a 50' Ficus tree going through it). I live alone. My mother has to be in the top ten of least appreciative people in the world. She has yet to say thank you for anything. Am I crazy thinking that I can care for her? I might add that I was a critical care RN for 25 years. I had always thought that I would never put my mother in a nursing home, but I'm looking at a 24/7 job. How do other caregivers who are alone do it? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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My mom is 90, in a similar state to your Mom and lives with myself, my husband, and our son lives with us and he helps me out with her. I go back and forth on putting her in assisted living, that would cost around 4K a month, but , she pays us 1000 a month rent, food, etc, and in Jan is giving me another 500 a month to help me pay for my healthcare premiums as only being 62 no Medicare. Having said this, it’s very difficult to live with an care for a 90 yr old. They are always at risk to fall , they can’t do laundry, housework, they have bowl issues diaherra and make mess(s) you have to cook for them and clean up after them, and take them to doctors and manage their medications. So it’s 24/7. If you can find a nursing home near you I would put her in that, I regret taking my mother in with me. She is terrified of hospitals and brothers and sister who are thrilled I am caring for her and they are all up north we are in Florida. Yesterday after she soiled her bed again my son helped by putting his foot down and telling me she has to wear depends at night but she won’t because ‘she thinks she’s too good for them’ but ‘pride comets before the fall’ and that that’s why they make depends. Last night she yells for me at 11 PM to help her put them on and I refused to do it because she can do it herself she’s just lazy. She finally got into them. Ask yourself do you want to deal with this. Your RN background isn’t the same where your mother will try and get you to do anything she doesn’t feel like doing. If you think you can deal with this your both going to decide on a mutual living situation and she should contribute to living expenses and your caretaking work unless she is broke. So my Mom is paying 1500 vs 4000 assisted living, preserving families inheritance. ( priority of Moms) Good Luck.
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Your profile says that she has been diagnosed with dementia. In that case, I wouldn't really expect her to be thankful or seem appreciative. If that's not something that she has done in the past, it's not likely to appear now, based on what I have read and seen myself.

I'd likely consider what lies ahead regarding her daily care and decide if you are able to take it on. It's quite involved and would she be able to afford to have outside help come in? I'd explore how that would work, is she open to help, can she afford it, would she wander, is the place set up for her mobility needs,safetywise etc.

I might also have a needs assessment done when she's ready to be released from Rehab. Then, you'll know what she's really going to need. Will she need a nursing home or some form of AL, like Memory Care? If you tell them that you can't provide all the care she'll need, they can locate a place that is suitable. I might look around now to see what is available and convenient.

I bet you'll get some responses from those who do around the clock care for their parent, who has dementia and mobility problems in the home.
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