Am I horrible? Idk I feel I’m falling apart and need advice please.
Hello… my mom (84) has declined greatly since I first visited this site and posted. I think I had this account I can’t remember. Anyway, so I am feeling maxed out - but I don’t want to do the wrong thing.. please don’t think less of me, normally I can fake a smile and act happy (fake bc seeing her this way is shattering me inside and I’m totally afraid) I do the happy face bc I know this helps her. Also she sometimes acts and looks in her eyes like a lil child… and it breaks my heart so I do what u do w/ kids- try to make everything happy & exciting. I love seeing her smile and I can normally be gentle and patient with her dementia and hallucinations and forgetfulness. I can normally take harsh words said & just accept it as she’s frustrated.
But today I feel like I’m gonna break. I don’t want to snap at her.
some info of our situation:
I’m her primary care giver -normally happily- I’m here 24/7 - we have a door that connects our room which is half way open to make her feel better. It has a piece of cloth hanging over it for my privacy but I can hear everything.
She has 3 biological kids, and her & my dad adopted me from one of them. None of them will see her, and the one who was coming had a artery burst in his leg and is not able to come. He tried calling, but she refuses to wear her hearing aids, and talking to her on the phone gets frustrating cuz she cannot hear AT ALL over the phone, so she feels a deep sadness of course.
On my side they don’t help at all except the son who had been coming, my uncle. He hired a girl who is now a friend too to come in the week so I can sleep.
I am up most of the day and absolutely all night. So she comes Monday-Friday from 8 am til 1 or 2 pm to help my mom out so I can get a lil sleep.
I can’t even sleep much then tho bc my mom starts asking for me, or where I’m at. I can’t go do hobbies that used to give me some peace like photography or going for a walk bc she worries I’ve left forever & that breaks my heart for her.
I feel so selfish asking this- but I know today is gonna be hard. She’s already hallucinating and I’m already feeling myself getting frustrated and I don’t wanna show irritation as I know it hurts her. Of course it does I understand.
I was thinking of asking if this girl would mind coming in for a bit today, so I can rest some; but idk if that’d be rude… most doctors & nurses have told me my mom is a “5 person job” & it is too much even w/ some help. That’s ok I can do this I have to…
but today.. I need help.
what should I do?
thank u guys for reading, I know I am horrible, I’m trying to do the right thing..
6 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Is it ok for my mother to keep making annoyed eyes/sounds, laughing at me in an inappropriate way, and constantly crossing boundaries?
- Mom has vascular dementia. Any pointers?
- I have become so burned out that I can't bear to be around my dad. Any advice?
- Am I wrong to say I need surgery to get the hell out of this madhouse?!
I hate admitting it, but what you guys say is right… I haven’t gone out in months; I wish I could have a normal life, I’ve lost a lot of friends due to this, but I can’t betray my mom for ppl who can’t understand… or maybe I’m missing something.. idk..
but I do know I’m so grateful for you guys
thank u guys again, i appreciate ur kindness and honest answers beyond words… thank you. 🙏🙏
The 'right thing' is for you to get some therapy to realize you are incapable of being your mother's ONLY caregiver, and to accept that fact. To accept the fact you are not Superwoman and that you yourself will break down and require hospitalization if you keep up this pace which is not doable for ANY one person. Then what happens to mom when YOU are no longer available? She goes into placement, as she should have done all along, but now it's out of your hands b/c you are in the hospital from a breakdown.
The 'right thing' is to take care of YOURSELF first so you can then think clearly enough to find the right care for your mother.
if anyone wants to be friends I’d be honored; if I am hated now, I understand why.. I’m very sorry
This statement in your profile, "if anyone wants to be friends I’d be honored; if I am hated now, I understand why.. I’m very sorry" along with your screenname, UsedMisfit, tell me that you are suffering from very low self esteem which needs to be addressed & resolved for YOUR sake. You deserve all the good things in life and not to be a slave to your mom/grandmother, and to explore with a therapist why you feel that's your lot in life. You are a child of God and as such, deserving of ALL the good things life has to offer. I hope you can embrace that idea and run with it.
Best of luck.
Yet you are basically doing the caregiving alone.
You are a biological grandchild, really, as you describe yourself (unless I got that wrong) as adopted, the child of one of this woman's children.
I am honestly going to recommend that you seek therapy so that you can find a way to get on with your own life. Your Mom/grandmom should be cared for by her own children or through placement. You seem to feel that she is "your job" in the world, and that you are doing this job inadequately. But the real issue here, imho, is that you are not getting on with your own life. The only thing HORRIBLE here is the lack of understanding that this situation is "all wrong" and in just about "every way possible."
As the biological grandchild of "Mom" you are young. This is the time in your life when you need to move OUT and move ON with your own life. That is your obligation to yourself. And that is being delayed in these circumstances. And that's not a good situation for anyone involved.
Please seek help so that you can comb out what you want for your own life, what you owe yourself, and so that you can get on the DIFFICULT path to change.
Often we stay in a very bad situation out of fear. We use words such as "obligation" and "guilt" and "I am the only one" and "I am forced to" when really it is basically our own fear of moving from the "known" to the "unknown."
It's time to get therapy. Soon enough you will need to sit with "Mom" and the children she has who cannot participate in her care, and tell them that you have both a need and a right to a life of your own. Give them a timeline so Mom can be safely placed in care (this is also not your obligation). And then, whether it is done or not, move out, get a job, and begin to save for your own safe housing.
A therapist will help you seek support in making those decisions.
You need to talk to Uncle about placing Mom/grandmom. (Have a friend where her grandmother raised her too and she calls Mom) You, and a lot of caregivers, get to a point it is just too much. The caring is beyond them.