My mother and father in law moved in with us (husband and 2 kids..boy 16, active in sports and academics and girl 14, on the autism spectrum with type 1 diabetes l) early July of last year, unexpectedly..but primarily because we felt it was the right thing to do.
My MIL (77 year old) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March 2020. She had been caring for her husband, my FIL (98 years old). At that time, he was self sufficient in areas of dressing and hygiene but declining mentally and emotionally..showing early signs of dementia and mobility issues but... still very healthy. In fact , his PCP said his only concern was that of falling.
Last March, We were told that my MIL had roughly 3 months left to live ..so we celebrated her every weekend at our home with immediate family, while converting our first floor den into a bedroom and 1/2 bath into a full (handicapped) bath.. all while working with hospice and MIL to let us know when she was ready to move in.
My MIL’s relationship with my FIL had been strained for as long as I had known them. He’s a male chauvinist with a domineering and very judgmental personally. We just associated this with his age, and ignorance of the “times”. But my MIL had a different view. My husband (post college)!tried to help her leave the relationship on several occasion but she never followed through.
FIL was born in US but of Slovenian dissent. He had been married, divorced with a child before courting my MIL, is his mother’s (and my MIL’s) home town of Slovenia. MIL came here not knowing a lick of English, totally dependent on my FIL (20 + years her senior) she eventually learned English, became a citizen of the US and had my husband. They decided to stay in the US primarily became of my husband’s half brother (who is 20 years older than him). His # 2 priority has always been him, then $$$, then family. She was extremely bitter towards him to the very end. He did NOTHING to try and make amends. It was very awkward for us and our kids but we all started looking at my FIL in a different light.
We’ve done our best to make FIL comfortable (despite all of the inappropriate, male chauvinistic behaviors) but he’s staring to decline both mentally and physically. He had a scary fall in the middle of the night last week that really scared us and quite frankly, opened our eyes to the fact that this game are only going to get harder. He’s 99!!!! We thought we may be able to sustain this until his death but, honestly see no ending in sight. My husband looked at a couple assisted living facilities, close by and has his heart set on the MOST expensive, resort/ 5star in sight. He does have some money stashed from the sale of his home and a couple investments, but only enough to cover roughly 6 years in this extravagant assisted living facility. My husband plans to tell him that it’s covered through Medicare so he does not have to worry about the cost.
The issue I have is that I feel that my husband is only going along with this because of guilt. He does not need anything this extravagant, nor does (I think) he want ...and if you ask my MIL, he doesn’t deserve this. My MIL really wanted to leave something behind for my daughter who will need long term care once we pass. My husband is unwilling to look at anything else, even a new assisted living just 5 minutes from us. I am so angry at him and honestly..I feel like he’s letting my mother in law down in so many ways.
Am I being overly emotional???? I can’t even look at him right now. I’m so pissed.