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My dad passed away in December and my mom has been living alone ever since, 2.5 hours away from closest family (me). She has what my brother and I believe to be stage 4 dementia based on the DBAT assessment. Last month her PCP only diagnosed her with "memory loss," she scored a 24/30 on the MMSE, but he did take away her driver's license on our recommendation. She has been functioning okay by herself, with me going back every 10 days or so, I think just because she is in such a familiar place and has neighbors who help her. But she has been getting very lonely at home alone, and finally agreed to move into a AL near me; move-in date is in 2 weeks.
I was there at the ALF yesterday to try to figure out how much of her furniture is going to fit in the room. I sent her a video of her room, and she started to cry. She lives in the cutest house, and this is going to be a severe change. Also, she is only 84 and looks great for her age — she is going to feel very out of place among all the "old" people. She is getting cold feet, and I felt kind of sick thinking about it myself. She is already making a Plan B to move in with me (NO WAY do I want that) after 30 days.
One big reason I want to get her in here so soon is this place has a really good MC unit that is very hard to get into unless you are already in the community. Also, although she is still able to do her IADLs and ADLs, her confusion is getting worse and worse. She left a message for my brother the other day saying "this is your sister." She has had a couple of falls — one at my house. And she for a long time has had a real difficulty with dates, sequence of events, etc. So I know she needs help. I'm just worried that this is going to be a disaster. My mental health is in the toilet, too.

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It sounds like you're doing a great job. The only suggestion I have is to stop trying to get her involved/excited about the transition. You're going to have to make all the decisions yourself on furniture, etc because it's just not fair to expect her to be positive about this change right now. In a month or two you may be lucky enough to hear some feedback about how much she likes this or that about the new place but right now it's just scary and sad.

Don't mistake this feedback for a suggestion that you should do anything differently, it sounds like she needs this and long term it will be the absolute best thing for her. You've acknowledged that this will be a big change and there will be some tears. That's ok, try to become comfortable with that.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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You're doing the right thing 100%. Elders (84 is elderly and 5 yrs over and above the mortality age for women) with dementia should never be living alone. AL is not the dreaded "home" some think it is, but a place for activities, friendships, dining together, a nice apartment, autonomy and tons of other good things. The stress will be lifted for mom and the help available when she needs it.

Your mom doesn't have to love it in AL for this to be the right decision, either. What elders "want" vs. what they "need" are often 2 different things. She needs more help than she will admit, and she'll be living in a place where it's available. There will be no disaster unless you allow her emotions to change YOUR mind on what's required to keep her safe. Allow lots of time for her to adjust.

Move forward with determination and the knowledge that you can keep mom safe and well cared for which is the whole point here. Fwiw, my folks loved AL.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You are doing the right thing. Her emotions are normal for such a change. Hang in there. It will take some time but will be worth it after she gets adjusted.
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Reply to MG8522
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So hard. Yes, you are doing the best thing for your Mom, probably the only thing that will work for the both of you. You are wise to have a boundary about her not living with you.

Is your Mom on any meds for depression/anxiety? If not maybe talk to her PCP about this. It would be totally normal for a new widow to be depressed with such a profound change. And now another big change. You will need to stop trying to get her "buy in". Consider using therapeutic fibs to ease this transition.

What constitutes a "disaster"? That she won't like it? Nothing new about that. Almost no elder looks forward to this type of change. Plus she has memory impairment which just ramps up her confusion and stress. This is why meds would be very helpful before she moves.

Your mental health does not need to tank since you are doing the right thing, even if she acts like it's the worst thing ever. Have your therapeutic fibs and responses ready but don't belabor answers: she can't operate using her logic and reason anymore so it will be wasted and unproductive effort. Learn how to redirect the conversation, bring things to distract her (show her new pictures on your phone or find funny animal videos on YouTube or a favorite treat -- whatever works). Or, if the facility has activities, be sure to go with her to an activity but leave before it's over (and call over an aid to buffer your departure).

Facility admins will often recommend not visiting for 2 weeks and limiting phone calls to expedite her adjustment. It will take a while, so be patient and confident. Also, do something extravagent for yourself: you ARE doing a very difficult thing. You can allow yourself to feel grief, but not guilt. Guilt is for people who are doing something immoral, illegal and unethical. Getting your Mom into appropriate care is NONE of those things.

Lastly, resist romanticizing her living with you or any other family member. The world is awash with burn out family caregivers and continuously unhappy elders. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Beedevil66 Mar 31, 2026
Interesting move and live in AL, yet still stay away for a while similar to being in NH?
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Of course you feel sick thinking of such a huge life change for your mom, that’s how you (and we) know you truly care. It’s hard to think of uprooting a loved one. It’s harder to think of them alone, falling, confused, and unable to know how to handle so many of life’s challenges. You’re looking out for her, even though it feels sad. You’re seeing to it she will be safe and cared for, you’ll be her advocate in her new setting. Don’t discuss the furniture and all the stuff to take with her too much, it truly won’t matter as much as you think. Less is better. She will need space to navigate around and can live fine without as much stuff. Truthfully, we all can. Reassure her, remain positive and she may follow your lead. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Thank you all, I will probably refer to your answers many times over the next few weeks!!!
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Reply to LilacGirl
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Slartibartfast 21 hours ago
Keep in touch, this is a tough thing for you and mom but you'll feel so great when it's accomplished and you know you're making the smart choice.
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*Is hiring a caregiver 24/7 a viable option?
*Is it possible for the closest relative (you) moving in with her a viable option?
*Is is safe for her to remain alone in the house?
If you answered NO to these 3 questions then the safest answer is for her to:
*Move in with the closest relative(you) ....not really a good option if you scroll through some of the posts on this Forum. Not even getting into your Mental Health being in the toilet!
*Move into memory Care facility.
In a facility she will be safe.
You will be able to be a daughter not a caregiver.
You are doing the right thing by helping to keep mom safe.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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As someone said, what she WANTS is no longer as important as what she NEEDS. If for some reason she backs out tell her you can no longer manage the long drive every 10 days. It will be once a month. And if she does end up moving to AL make it clear to her there is no Plan B involving your home. You have to remember she is not the one in charge if she needs that much assistance in her life. She does not get to call the shots.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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These are all very common feelings due to the losses your mother is experiencing.
You are doing the right thing .,
It’s an adjustment . Mom is going to continue to decline .
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Reply to waytomisery
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