I moved my mom into my home about 8 months ago. My dad passed away a year ago and she has really declined since then. Before she came to me, she fell which resulted in a hospital stay. Bloodwork showed she was extremely anemic. She went to rehab for a few weeks and then came to live with me. Now her bloodwork is very good as I am feeding her 3 balanced meals a day. My problem is that I cannot get her to do anything other than watch tv all day. She won’t exercise, come sit with us, eat meals with us. We offer to take her on car rides, walks, or just sit in the porch. She says no to everything. The doctor prescribed an antidepressant but she won’t take them. She says she is not depressed. She just lays in bed and gets weaker and weaker. We have had PT come in many times and she will do exercises for them but not for me or herself. She says she does not want to go to a nursing home but wants to stay with us. This is fine with me but I just need to know if I’m handling everything correctly. She won’t shower - lord knows I’ve tried. She just says no. She does a bird bath but I’m worried about cleanliness. She has had a few UTIs and I feel that it must be from not bathing properly. I installed a bidet toilet seat to help with that but have not told her yet. I know she won’t want to use it. We have talked about the bathing issue many times. She doesn’t want an aide to come bathe her and she doesn’t want my help with toileting or bathing. So can I just let her continue like this? I’m trying to respect her but this is so hard. She is 82. Thanks for any advice.
I just want to say that I know exactly what you are going through.
My mom just turned 94 and I've only kept her going through sheer stubbornness.
My problem is besides having controlled diabetes, my mom is fine, old and slow, but fine. I can't stand the idea of her just giving up and deciding to let go.
She gets in a funk and flat refuses to get up out of bed no matter how often I tell her, stomp my feet, cajole her, beg her, she'll just say "leave me alone."
She just had therapists release her two weeks ago and she's now moaning and groaning with every movement because she stays in bed until she's stiff. She tells the therapists "I just have to do it," but when they leave she falls back into old patterns.
I will say that the worst time it happened after struggling with her for four months, she was finally admitted to hospital with constipation. At that time it had been 12 days since she went. In the hospital it took another 6 days and who knows how long before she'd gone without.
This last time it was a UTI and me and the home nurse even discussed it but she had NO symptoms until finally she acted kind of vague, so nurse took in a urine sample.
I think if you're asking the question, then you are doing all you can, and more, for your mom. If you are managing without losing your temper or making her cry, then you are doing well.
I tell my mom all the time that safety comes first and nothing overrides safety. Cleanliness is part of safety so she doesn't get sick or bed sores. I've told her I will get arrested if (for example) they (?) find her in a wet gown in wet sheets because she's too lazy to get up. I tell her that's elder abuse and it's my job to take care of her. Sometimes it works but not too often.
Can you tell I am not so good at holding my temper? I try and try. Then I try to be extra nice and sometimes, I try to leave her alone but I can't wrap my mind around just fading to death. Not on my watch!
She's 94 and if she starts slipping again like I sense she is, I may let her. I am only propping her up until the next time. I've given her her fondest wish. My great nephew is living here with us and he's doing ok, so she's fairly content at the moment. With his drug abuse I have to watch like a hawk but she worries about him all the time.
Anyway, good luck to you. I'm not being very helpful but I want you to know I feel for you.
Charlotte
PS I've been doing this for 12 years now. I live with her in her home.
It's perfectly fine just doing spit baths.
Im sure you have a shower with a shower chair just in case it's too much to step in to bath tub and she just doesn't want to say. Sitting down in a shower chair with a hand holding shower nozzle is a better way to not fall.
As far as UTI's, talk to her Dr about that because it could be from her not drinking enough water.
The more pills you take, the more water you need to drink.
She should be able to clean herself well enough without soaking in a tub or taking a shower.
Tho you should try to find out the underlying reason.
Hand to stdp over the side of the tub.
Afraid to fall.
Think it's too much trouble.
Not have a walk in shower or a chair to sit on in the shower.