Am I doing all I can?

We can only be responsible for ourselves in this life. My father used to say this: "We come into this world alone & we go out of this world alone." And he was right. No matter what we do, we can't change that fact.

Your mother has every right to stop with all the 'further testing' her doctor wants to do, and to live the rest of her life as she sees fit. How are YOU 'failing as a daughter' by HER making such a decision? Stop thinking emotionally and start thinking logically, with your brain instead of your heart. Your mother is making a logical decision here which has nothing to do with you as a daughter. Consider yourself fortunate to have a mother with a head on her shoulders! So many of us here have been saddled with parents who want every single medical intervention taken on their behalf, no matter what cost to US it winds up taking, so their lives can be extended to 100+!! No matter how sick they are with terminal cancer or end stage liver disease, or in your mother's case, heart and lung disease which probably cannot be 'fixed'. In this case, your mother wants to live the rest of her life in peace w/o going to 100 doctors and being poked and prodded and tortured in the process! For that I give her a ton of credit and have the utmost respect for her. You should too. Living with dignity is better than dying with feeding tubes and ventilators any day, the way I see it.

Stop looking at this from your perspective and start looking at it from your mother's instead. What she needs is your support rather than your insistence she do things your way. How is she to feel if she sees you riddled with extreme anxiety all the time over her choices in life?

If you can't stop constantly worrying and feeling anxiety over your mother's health choices, see your doctor for a full medical work up. There are anti anxiety medications that can be prescribed that may help you see things more clearly. Nobody should have to live with severe anxiety to the point they can't work or go out with their husband for worrying.

Best of luck living your life anxiety free & allowing your mom to live hers in the way she sees fit to.

Respect her choices. Once you understand it's her life and not hers, you can be supportive instead of thinking it's your job to fix her.

It isn't.

It is not about you, it is about her and her choices. She seems to know what she wants.

If I were you, I would get therapy to help you cope, your issues are extreme.

She seems ok, it is you that has the problem, please get the help you need as someday she will die, and I hate to think where you will go emotionally when that happens.

I don't blame her for not wanting more testing. If her problems are being managed ok with medication, at some point, it's time to back away from so much testing, etc. If they uncover a new issues, what then? More meds? A procedure? Will your mom say no to these? Is she of sound mind?

You are NOT failing! Don't bring it up anymore. If she does not have dementia, let her make her decision and respect it. Accept that it's OK to decline at 83 years old, if that's what she chooses. You've talked to her so you've done your part. Try to calm down and allow her her right to not seek more care. Please find a way to stop your severe worrying. It's not good for you!

How much treatment and intervention your mother is willing to endure are entirely her decision. She is the one who would have to go through procedures and protocols that might keep her alive longer but sicker and in worse condition than she is in now. If her medical issues are not likely to be curable, why should she prolong her life in a more helpless condition instead of accepting a shorter time of still getting along pretty well

Your anxiety is more about your fear of her dying than of her own.

How are you failing her? She is doing what she wants for her own life. She has lived a lot longer than you. Her expectations and goals are not the same as yours. Try to look at your mother's life from her perspective. As we age our goals and expectations change. At 40 I could not physically do what I did at 30--nor did I want to. My balance was worse, my eye sight was worse, my muscles didn't work as well. At 50 my body systems started complaining. During my fifth decade medical complaints became common conversations with my peers. The point is that our bodies decline with age and what we want from life changes. We get tired of the on-going health challenges both mentally and physically. We aren't as interested in fighting for things as we were when we were younger. This is your Mom, so I get that you want to keep her around. We all want our mommies. We still want them at 80 and 90 years old. Your mom has clearly told you what she wants. You would expect her to respect your wishes. I also recommend you seek counseling. Your anxiety is clearly interfering with your life and a counselor can help you gain some perspective. The counseling will also help your relationship with your mother as I imagine she is feeling an uncomfortable pressure from you.

Please. Just. Stop. You’re not being fair to your employer, your husband — or yourself.

It’s not your job to overrule your mother or dictate what she should want, even if her decision is breaking your heart. It’s not your job to deny dying is a reality that, for some reason, we don’t include in living.

Goldie Hawn once said, “ today is the youngest I’ll ever be.” Please don’t sacrifice what is your mother’s best days to anger, discord and anxiety.

If she says enough...then that should be the deciding factor.
Would any tests tell more than what she knows already? Or are they looking for a "new" problem.
If she needs you I am sure you can be reached by phone.
And if it is an emergency you would do what she should do and call 911. If that happens you can meat her at the hospital. (actually she would probably get seen sooner if brought in by EMS rather than you.)
You do what you can for her, and it sounds like she does well for herself.
Let her live the rest of her life the way she wants. I am sure she is envisioning laying in a hospital and that is not how she wants things to go.
You ask if you are doing all you can...the answer is yes but pushing your mom for testing that she does not want is over stepping.
If it would help you talk to your doctor about your anxiety. If it is consuming your life that way it is not healthy for you.

Awwww. I'm so sorry. My father decided the same thing: NO MORE TREATMENT~! He lived for several years, but he was only happy when I was there or when he could flirt with someone~! Next, my mother. She received good medical treatment for her entire life. She was in a very lovely continual care facility and felt safe there, near all of her family and friends. But...she lived to 105. It was not good at all. I won't go into details but I'm sure we could do nothing at all to help her in her final two years of life. In my opinion, and you are a wonderfully caring woman, this is YOUR issue and you need a clinical social worker or a psychologist to help you for a bit. This is no way to live~! Please seek help so that your anxiety doesn't ruin your life. You can establish a system so that your mother can get help, if needed, 24-7. Please. Get some professional counseling and perhaps medication. Everyone will be relieved, especially the guy who married you. xox

I think you are a smashing daughter and deserve a pat on the back for doing so much. You’re mum has the right at 83 to refuse all treatment. She’s probably had a good life and doesn’t need it artificially extended and doesn’t want to be pulled around anymore. You have to respect her wishes I’m afraid.