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I am my mom's only child. My mom has cancer, (untreated) & cannot walk on her own.
She is in rehab nursing facility for now.
I have no relatives left after my mom passes.
I live alone w/my pets.
I'm 54 w/hypertension but take meds to control it.
I have to work to support myself (I rent an apt).
Last night was bad, I came home after spending the evening w/mom @ NH.
I am not sleeping well, I have a very nervous stomach, no appetite, I am starting to tremble & am occasionally dropping things.
I had stated to sweat, feel nauseous & had diarrhea.
This lasted about 2-3 hours until I tried to fall asleep.
I keep thinking how my mom is crying & suffering being away from her home.
She tells me everything I go to see her that she wants to go home to her own house & have nurses come there to care for her.
She & I cannot afford to pay for any care out of pocket because mom has Medicare/Medicaid and Medicaid won't pay for nursing care in your home.
Every time I talk to mama on the phone, she talks for a few minutes, then as we as saying goodbye she starts crying & I can't stand to hear her in so much pain but I can't do anything to change it & it's making me feel like I'm having a panic attack.
I've usually dealt w/loss & death OK (not as well as some, but I pray a lot & try to talk it out w/friends & that has helped me in the past but this is really taking a toll on me & the more I feel like this, the more I worry that I WILL die before my mom & she will be left all alone.
I'm also panicked because if my mom should pass before me, then I am all alone & it frightens me terribly.
I am seeing my GP Doctor on Mon after I called & spoke to the nurse & told her my symptoms.
I'm hoping she can give me something to help calm me when I get anxiety or advise on some alternative treatment while I'm dealing w/all this.
I never knew what it felt like when I hear that others had "anxiety" or panic attacks but I think I know now how it feels & it's very, very frightening.
Please can anyone help me w/their knowledge of what I can do to at least get thru this weekend??
Please.

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Hangingon, first of all, a big hug to you. You sound like a thoughtful, caring daughter who is doing her best. And in the end, the best is all we can do.

Yes, see your doctor. You may need antidepressant meds, because your emotional system is under stress and out of whack. You maybe referred to a psychiatrist or mental health counselor....if you are, please go. Support in times of stress is critical.

Second, is there a geriatric psychiatrist or Psych nurse practitioner at mom's facility? It sounds as though MOM needs some attention in that area. Talk with mom's nurse , the social worker and the Dr who treats her at the facility.

Come back and let us know how you're doing, please!
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Please get help and don't be afraid of meds. I had such bad anxiety that my heart rate was 120 and I lost so much weight that I weighed 90 pounds at 5'4". I slept only one to two hours a night for months. It was hell on earth until I got on klonipin temporarily and paxil long term. It's been a miracle. Please get help ASAP. No one should suffer like this if they don't have to. I'll pray for you.
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In the midst of a panic attack I find square breathing helpful... in to the count of 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4 (or 5 or 6). Concentrate on counting and breathing.

To forestall the panic in the first place find a way to keep you mind occupied, immerse yourself in a book or movie, window shop at the mall, go out for hot chocolate with friends or just people watch.

Get some exercise, preferably outside, even if it is just walking around the block.

Avoid caffeine and alcohol.
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Oh, if the doctor does diagnose you with anxiety disorder, then I would learn as much about it as possible. I found that the more I read and learned about how it comes about the body, how our body reacts, what the mind does, and how we can deal with it, the less they effected me.

There are many famous people who suffer with anxiety disorder. I've read a lot of biographies about them. They describe their journey and how they learned to deal with it.

There is life beyond that feeling.
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One of the things I've found helpful is a weekly support group. At group, members are given a safe place to express their concerns, feelings and worries. Since I live in an area where I don't have regular friends, this group has proven invaluable. Panic attacks can be dealt with and there is no need to suffer any more than you already are. Reach out and you'll be amazed at the help you'll get. In the meantime, stay strong!
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Hangingon if it's any consolation, to her last day on this earth my mother (then in a nursing home, bed ridden, dementia, parkinsons and many strokes) was determined that she would move somewhere like a 5 star resort where she would have meals cooked to order, room service, instantly running servants and lots of visitors to entertain her every day. Of course it was all my fault she couldn't move to this "Nirvana" and I was keeping her in jail. She had no friends but expected that wherever she went I would throw away my home and life again (did that to care for her for years) and run after her to wait on her hand and foot, all the while taking her abuse 24/7.

At the end she thought she'd move back to the UK and live with her brother in law so he could care for her ... my late father's kid brother, he's in his 80s with some health issues and she hasn't seen him for 30 years.

I assume your mother has dementia. You have done all you can for her and now she needs 24/7 care which one person alone cannot provide. She's safe and cared for. You've done all you possibly can and you must get your life together and move on.

With animals close by you are never alone. As an adult I've had rescues life long, currently 2 dogs: Sue, a miniature pinscher x jack russell terrorist who sleeps in my bed and farts/kicks me all night, Ashy Girl, a 9/10 year old black lab who came from Rescue in April 2013, and four cats "the Mouse Squad", all rescues with dubious backgrounds.

I'm an only child, my mother didn't want children and I grew up alone with a German shepherd and an old cat called Toots. My mother ran off any boyfriend I ever had because "He's just after MY money" so I've lived alone most of my life. Yes she was an evil, mean and spiteful woman and when she died September 12, 2015 I was so grateful ... a lifetime of torment was over.

Hug your pets and try to move on with your life. They are the only ones that will truly love you and want to be with you unconditionally forever. Dog Bless you ♥
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Dear hangingon,
Have you explored the possibility of Hospice for your mom? I know they do not provide 24/7 in home but theyare extremely helpful with issues such as yours. And they will come to the rehab facility. You are not in a financial situation where you can afford in home care. I would keep explaining that to her.
Does she need a referral to a pain management specialist? The nursing facility should be able to set that up.
As far as your fears, by all means, see your primary doc and get some meds to help you through. Also , if you are open to it counselling is a great thing. It sounds like you are focusing on the "what ifs". Try to find a counsellor who can help you with mindfulness or living in the moment. 90% of the what ifs never happen and when something does happen you will handle it. I found that trying to concentrate on what is going on now helped me. Many things you can't change. Try not to focus on the negative (can't take her home with help) and focus on what you can do-visit, talk with her, make her comfortable.etc. She has to deal with her inability to remain in her home with help because it is just not possible. I know that sounds cruel--perhaps the social worker at the rehab facility can talk with her or her doctor. Sometimes when a person hears that from someone other than a family member, it becomes a reality. Good luck to you. It is a difficult situation to be in.
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Thank you all so so very much for allowing me to vent my own problems & concerns.
It is very helpful to know that there are others who understand the emotions & feelings that come about when dealing with this.
Your suggestions are all appreciated & I have to follow thru w/some sort of treatment and/or counseling support group.
I suggested to mama tonight if we could maybe consider selling her house, moving her into an apartment where she can have some nurses helping her & the next thing she mentioned was "are you going to move in w/me?"..
This makes me feel so guilty & cruel to tell her "no, I can't mama because I have pets & you have asthma & can't be around them".
She loves my dogs as well so she didn't push it or say to get rid of them so I could move in to be w/her, but I know she's probably thinking to herself that I'm putting my animals first..:(
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Click on her name Ashlynn on the left hand side (above Give a hug). That will open a new window where you will see a blank area for posting comments. Go you the top right of the comment area and click the empty box next to Private Comment? Then in the box just underneath, write what you want to say. Then click on the orange button that says Submit.

Be sure to click next to the Private Comment? button -- if you don't, the comment will display for all to see!

You might want to try it beforehand, with a comment like "Can anyone see this??" Good luck!
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PCVS, the benzodiazepines and antidepressants were being recommended for the panic attacks the caregiver is having. When used therapeutically under the guidance of a good doctor, they can prevent complications of panic, such as agoraphobia. I should add that they should not be used long term, just long enough to allow the person to get through bad stretches and regain their confidence. Long-term use of benzos can be a problem, of course.
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