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My elderly mom, 78 ish, broke her hip three years ago. Since then, she refuses to exercise and get healthy. She is still in a wheelchair due to this.


She also has diabetes but refuses to lose weight or eat the right way.


She is stubborn and has lost hope with life. But she's been unhappy most of her life, I think.


She lives in an assisted living apartment. Her rent and food are paid for via social security and my dad's pension. She has been retired since she was around 55. Not worked since.


She's now telling me that I am hateful and bad because I don't send her monthly checks any longer. This is because I found out that she has nearly 100k in the bank. She says well she needs my money because she doesn't want to spend that 100k. I am struggling financially myself and will be forced to retire on 1700 a month or less. Sending her money makes no sense.


I told her to please spend her money. She only needs about 200 a month for things other than rent/food. That's say 3k a year. Times 20 years, she'll still have plenty of money.


I have always been the hated/black sheep daughter. She says mean things to me often, and I have never felt really loved by her. My sister is the golden child; my little brother the only boy. I am really tired of how she makes me feel. She and my sister used to laugh at me cruelly when I was a kid. They still stick together today. I think both of them are coldhearts.


thanks

”She says me sending her money proves that I love her.” That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. And it would be the last thing I would ever hear from her.

You are not crazy. You are being bullied and I would have as little to do with any of your awful family as possible. Walk away from the whole lot.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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You could tell her that she should show you some love and send you some money.

She is manipulating you and that is just evil in my opinion. Love doesn't have strings and material things are just that, material. They are not love.

Honoring your parents has nothing to do with giving them money. In fact scripture talks about parents helping their children, not the other way around. Scripture is not meant to put us in bondage to anyone. It is to set us free.

I am cheering for you to get away from her hatefulness, you deserve to be happy and not emotionally abused.

I left home when I was 16. I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I made it, even though it was hard, I didn't have her running me into the ground with her hate everyday. It is never to late to say enough is enough and seek a stable, fulfilled life for yourself. It truly is easier without all the mind games.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Yes, my brother and sister help her financially because they want the 100k inheritance in tact. My brother makes 180k a year and no bills but food and my sister and her husband are well off as well. I am not.

They all bully me to be honest. Has been that way all my life. No matter what I do I am wrong. I tried to commit suicide when I was a teen due to my mom. Now I am old and am so tired of this.

I have told her to spend her money and if she runs out we'll talk. But that isn't going to happen with 100k in the bank and all her bills paid.

I look back at my life and wish I could go back to age 16 and run away, which was what so wanted to do.

I've accepted this for decades, this treatment, and I am done with it.

She says me sending her money proves that I love her.

Hmmm.

I paid for college myself. She paid for my brother's. My sister didn't go.

I think my problem is I know I am to honor my mother but I cannot enable her. She is a bully and does it well. The whole family is under her control basically.

She doesn't love me. She gaslights me.

I'm really tired of this. I'm not sending her money.

Why is she equating me sending her money with love? If she thinks this, she should send me money as she has more than me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Reply to justaperson
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FloridaDD Jan 26, 2020
Get counseling if you need it, but stop giving her money.  Tell her when your brother has given her back his college costs, you will kick in.
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Please refuse to either discuss or listen to talk of money with your mother again. She has money, her needs are met, that’s the end of it. It’s abusive to ask you for money. Keep your visits and calls pleasant, if she becomes rude or mean, then get off the phone or leave. No explanation needed. I hope you have positive and good people and things that bring you joy in your life, don’t let this continue to be such a drain. Wishing you the best
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Money won't stop her awful behavior. So take care of you financially and let her spend her money.

You have been abused by this woman for your entire life, nothing you do will cause her to love you. If she couldn't love you as a sweet cuddly baby, she sure isn't going to love you as a strong adult or a mushy, push over that can be bullied out of money. Let go of the desire to be loved by her. I promise you that you will feel liberated when you love yourself enough to get away from her hatefulness towards you.

You matter and you can take care of you, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Blood makes you relatives LOVE makes you family.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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It's okay to be 'hateful & bad' as long as you're not spending any of YOUR money to finance HER needs, considering she has $100K salted away! Limit your exposure to the toxic behavior and try not to feel guilty, either, since you have nothing to feel guilty FOR!

Best of luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I’m curious...

Do either your brother or sister make monetary deposits at Bank of Mother?
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Reply to Rainmom
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Would you send her your money? If so, why? You said she has most always been “mean and hateful” to you, she takes no responsibility for herself and sounds Pure D lazy, and now she thinks she is entitled to your money, which you can’t afford to send her.

Step back and manage your own money and expenses for yourself. Do not speak to her of how much money you have or she has. Ignore her when she brings up either her money or your’s. You do not need to pay to be bullied and abused, do you? You have told her to spend her own money for her own expenses. It ends with that. Your finances are none of her, your sister or your brother’s business. And, unless you have Power Of Attorney for her, her's and what she does with them are none of your’s. When she runs out of toothpaste or toilet paper, she will need to open the vault. It’s not your responsibility.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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I am sorry about this. Might be time to go no contact with your mother, and move forward with your life, she cannot control you, unless you allow her to. This is your challenge to overcome, as she will not change. The only way is to change your attitude towards her and move forward, set your boundaries and keep them in place.

Remember that NO is a complete sentence, and requires no further discussion.

I wish you the best, don't allow anyone to ruin your life, your wellbeing.
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Reply to DollyMe
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