Am I crazy for not noticing this sooner?

Do not interrupt a game of dominoes.

I am 77. Quite honestly, old age isn't about "happy all the time". Are you happy all the time, even though you are younger? Were you ever happy all the time. The end of our lives is full of loss. I think that when your Dad sees you coming he sees the person he feels he can "Unload onto", as that's kind of what we do with ones we love most. The problem is that you are picking up the luggage. Don't expect him to be happy all the time, and don't require it of him, and don't think that you can fix everything, because you can't. I would, if this continues, say to him quite gently and quite honestly "Dad, I don't think that my visits are making you happy. And they certainly aren't making me happy. When I come and you are in a bad mood I may not stay too long. This is very hard for you having to be out of your home and I understand that, and it is very hard for me to see you unhappy; it's all I can think to do is to keep our visits short when they are not making either of us happy". Hon, don't pick up the luggage full of guilt, and do remember that only decent, kind and caring people feel guilt; others simply don't care. When I visit my bro at Assisted Living their director tells me that 85% of the stuff they deal with has to do sadly with the guilt of those who cannot be everyTHING to everyONE. Please just accept that not everything in life is happy, and in the end, the end of life is about loss after loss after loss. There are moments of happiness, but otherwise it is a trial for all who go through it and it is a trial for all who stand helplessly by hoping there is SOME way to make it OK.

He has Dementia. They become like children. Even if he wasn't doing well, its no longer what he wants, its what he needs.

We do what we have to. He is 83. Why is there more Dementia? Because people are living longer. When I graduated 50 yrs ago the life expectancy was 65 to 70. Its now Seniors caring for Seniors. In ur situation, u probably work.

You did the right thing. I heard an aide say "they brought him too late". This was concerning a man who was brought to the AL in his later stage of Dementia. All he wanted to do was get out. Maybe if they had placed him in an earlier stage, he would have adjusted and as he worsened more likely to except the place as home.

In a perfect world it would be nice to have a parent in our homes. TV always pictured people with senility as just sitting quietly. Where in reality, they have to be watched like a child. Bathed, toileted, and messes cleaned up. Always on ur toes. The minute u sit down, ur needed for something. It takes a special person to caregive. I was not one of them.

I wouldn't confront him with it if I were you it may not even be as thought out as it feels, if he has any Dementia his brain isn't working the way it always has even though he looks the same and in many ways acts the same. There may even be some part of him reacting that way because he knows or senses that you are struggling with him being there and in his altered brain it's his way of recognizing and supporting your feelings, if that's making any sense. But it's very likely that whatever the reason, he isn't being calculated and vicious here the way it might seem and someone in there right mind you would have to conclude is. Maybe it's even his demented minds way of letting you know your important but if he is actually participating, enjoying himself when you aren't around and in the same facility as his brother he probably isn't actually unhappy so I would try to just remember that, he's happy most of the time and laugh it off when he says this to you the way you would if he forgot something silly or was saying he had done something you know he hasn't for 10 years and roll your eyes and smile at his complaints. If you want to you could even tease him, "everyone keeps telling me your the life of the party around here" or "when I got here you were dominating at dominoes"! "Better here playing dominoes where you can visit uncle John any time you want to than home alone in front of the TV, wish I could be waited on and hang out with my buddies all day".

Most importantly, let yourself off the hook, deep down you know he is where he should be and you have done the right thing for him, sounds like he's thriving, your the one grieving his change and you have every right to but experience it as grief not guilt.

One other thought, has he always been a complainer? I mean my FIL wasn't happy unless he could complain about something but only to his family not as a general downer to the world, some people are just like that or feel insecure or not recognized or think they are supposed to suffer to be good people or something throughout their lives and it's their way of making sure the people they love know how much they sacrifice or suffer.

It’s not necessarily laying a guilt trip; it maybe also be part of his adjustment to his NEW life, and also part of your adjustment to it.

Even in a good new life, you may still be reminding him of his losses, just because of your past connection to them.

You have the Blessing of observing and knowing that he IS happy in his new world, even though he still reacts to a reminder (you) that there was once something else.

SO- less reason to react to feelings of guilt. We all have them.

Yes, he is manipulating you, that is what they do. My step father & his wife (she just following his lead) are chronic complainers telling us on the phone how terrible the place is. We are now moving them to AL where we live for other reasons and will have a sit down with them, we will address serious complaints but we will not listen to all their BS. This will be their new home they will have to deal with it. I wouldn't let it ride, I would let him know that you know what he is doing. You have got to let the guilt go, it serves no purpose except to upset you further. You did the right thing, so let it go. You helped create this situation by telling him how guilty you are for placing him instead of feeling good that he is in a safe place that he enjoys. It is all a game with him, don't play it with him anymore.

No, do not confront him about it. Just be grateful that you found a place dad is doing well in. Accept your blessings wherever you can find them. Don't ever expect dad to tell you that you did good. You did, just be satisfied that he is doing well.