Am I bound by an agreement made many years ago with my brother and his wife?

If this were me, I would look into the legality of it, yes, but also would use the monies my brother had given me from mom (?) to place mom in a memory care facility for the six month time I was supposed to have her. Eventually the money would run out and at that point if brother shows up with mom on my doorstep, pretend yo take her in, say goodbye to brother, and then check her in to facility and tell them bill goes to brother who has POA, and I assume you have a photocopy of it.

Sweet One. What a dilema. When my husband and I first got married, I told him that in my culture, we took in our elderly parents and cared for them til they passed. He said no. I didn't understand then, but I do now. His mother had her mother who had Alzheimers live with them. It was horrible for his father and my husband. Grandma never really approved of her son-in-law and made life miserable for them all. Result, many hurt feelings and lots of damage done. My husband refused to put us through that. So when my mother-in-law (fil now passed) got Alzheimers, we got inhome care for her until she went into a facility. Thank Goodness my fil got longterm care insurance for her. We still had to sell her house to pay the rest, but she was in a great home and thrived.

Bottom line, without sounding insensitive, even though you must help your mother, your priority is your immediate family. My pastor confirmed this issue for me which gave me some peace. Try to find a good home for your mom and visit her often. But don't put your marriage at risk.

And as for the agreement, things have changed and you are no longer able to meet your earlier promise. If your family doesn't understand, you need to know that we all have family members who don't (or won't) understand. As they are making decisions that are best for them, so must you. God bless you and yours

Brother was trying to protect Mom's assets for the two of you, not for her. If he wants it used when she needs it he could have left it right where it was, in her name.

It sounds like she needs it now, for her ongoing care. You and your brother can use the money he distributed to pay for her Assisted Living expenses. That is what he said, right? If she needed the money back you'd both give it back. So she can pay her own way as long as the money lasts, and then apply for Medicaid.

Or, of course, he can choose to keep her at his home year around. Maybe that arrangement works well for him.

What he can't do is expect you to continue to take a turn having Mom in your home. That is a decision for you and your husband. Brother has no say at all in that.

Brother tried to ensure that you and he would have an inheritance. He tried to set things up so that Mother would get to use taxpayer money rather than her own when the time came -- not so she would benefit, but so that the two of you would. I wish he had consulted a lawyer about the best way to do this. As it is, I think you should consult an Elder Law attorney about the best way to handle this financial situation now.

I personally would not go so far as to want to make legal trouble for your brother, but you do need to put a stop to your half-time caregiving.

I suspect brother is wanting to protect an inheritance. Don't go there - use mom's money for her care, but husband/wife come first - sounds like assisted living would be best. Absurd to ask anyone to trash their marriage!

Dejavuagain. I have to laugh, it would be wonderful id families could just get along. I have bee caring for my mom for 3.5 years now with very little support from my siblings. Mom has, or should I say had, resources to pay for her care for a very long time and made it clear if a family member provided that care they should be paid. Enter two greedy siblings that want Mom well cared for but certainly do not want tye cost of care to impact their inheritance. To he!! With me the caregiver that struggles to keep my home and could very well end up homeless if this doesn't change or the economy turn around or employers begin to understand that a gap on a resume to care for a family member is alot of work it is not sitting around eating bon bons!

A family that can be supportive of one another is my dream, the care I am providing is difficult, but would be so much easier with just a little bit of support!

magnum is right, the early distribution of the estate is immoral and illegal. If mom needs care, Medicaid won't pay. It's legally all on those who raided the estate. Look up Filial Responsibility laws in your state.

I have to step in here to respond to the notion that your brother is a criminal. He may have committed a crime according to the letter of the law, but from what you wrote about the situation it sounds like he was trying to protect your mother's assets in the long run. Probably a case of good intentions not backed up by common sense or legal savvy. If he has a shred of sense he will have a verifiable record of any cash outlay from your mother's assets that went directly for her care.

I may be wrong, but my guess is that your brother is being stubborn and unreasonable rather than sneaky and larcenous. Unless you have reason to suspect that Mom was not properly cared for during her stay with brother & wife, I disagree that you should report him to the authorities. He IS your brother, after all, and while your husband comes first, family members deserve some loyalty unless they have proven to be untrustworthy and self-serving.

My advice is to sit down with your brother, just the two of you with no interruptions, to discuss the entire matter. Show him all the responses from this thread. If he won't budge from his position, then you'll just have to say "I'm sorry. I love you, I love our mother, but my life partner comes first. I am not obliged to throw my marriage on the sacrificial altar because of a verbal agreement a quarter of a century ago when I was young and single!"

Best of luck in this sticky situation. Wouldn't it be nice if family members always behaved in a rational and caring manner?

Your brother has committed a crime. He can't fix it or cover it up.

You don't talk with a criminal, you report them. You don't ask them to make it better and if they don't cooperate, then call APS and report his financial exploitation. Report him on Monday morning!

APS is probably going to want to know if your mother is competent to file a charge against your brother and is she aware that her son has financially exploited her as her POA? Does your mother know that your brother has done this with her money? Is she competent to understand that what he did is a crime and not allowed because he is her POA?

Today is Saturday and Monday is coming. Make that call!

Thank you for these additional two responses to my question. I can't tell you how much it has helped my husband and me. He had been so depressed before he read the responses with me. We are talking about the situation more now and thinking of alternatives. He seems more energized. I am feeling like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now too. I'm not so consumed with guilt. It's so nice to know that there are people who care about my situation. Thanks again friends!

Wow, your brother has already distributed the money?! Sounds like he should be concerned about financial exploitation. Have you received any information on remaining assets? How can you be sure she can afford assisted living? If he has liquidated her assets, then he should figure out how mom gets the care she needs. And that does not involve getting funds from you other than what he gave you! If bro does not cooperate, then call Adult Protection Services to reprt him, or even the district attorney. What he did is a crime.

My Mom's POA (a sibling) suggested making a gift from mom's assets instead of puchasing hearing aids she needed. That was the start of the dysfunctional family nonsense as well as sibs reporting me to APS alleging financial explotation, when that did not occur, and she knew it since she was the one with access to the assets.

Caregiving -- even when you want to do it -- is difficult and has consequences for the caregiver, often negative. No one should be forced to be a caregiver, especially not because of an ancient agreement made when circumstances were different. You have a husband now whose health is being affected adversely. If your brother can't understand that you must consider your husband's needs and feelings, then your brother is the problem, not you. Your Mom may not want to go into assisted living, but there may be no other choice. In these situations, guilt is a useless emotion. When caregiving interferes with a marriage or somebody's health and well-being, then the answer must be NO.

You need to have your brother read all of these responses. What kind of person tries to hold another to a verbal commitment made 25 years earlier when the circumstances were totally different.

Whatever money is left should be used for Mother's care. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your marriage. That is also your brother's first responsibility. You can both see Mom is safe and well cared for but that does not mean in your homes. At her age and health, by the time she gets use to one place she is being moved again. Not a good situation at all. Good luck!

Nice to hear back from you fandango. I'm glad that both you and your husband feel better now.

How in green acers does your brother know when and if your mother at 91 one is going to need Medicaid in at least 5 years and one month so that their 5 year look back does not catch his moving of the money? Also, whatever is above the legal gifting level allowed by the IRS, he has just created a tax burden for his mother. He can't avoid that now, even by paying the money back. I would talk with a lawyer, but I'm almost sure that your brother has made an illegal move with his mom's money as her POA since she has not been determined to be incompetent which is normally required for a durable POA to be activated. If the lawyer says that is so, then your brother no longer has the legal grounds to be her POA and should be removed for that decision. Might have been a well intentioned move, but it sounds motivated by a desire to protect an inheritance that has not been executed by the will and flatly I believe was not legal. Truly, the love of money is the root of all evil. I hope he is not the executor of the estate as well. I hope that I'm completely wrong, but I doubt it. Talk to a lawyer about this. Your mother's money needs protecting.

Thank you all for such interesting and insightful messages. I just joined this site and it is so nice to see that people take the time and interest to empathize with others and give such good advice. I feel so much better and empowered now. My brother split up my mother's money to avoid medicaid's 5 year look back period on assets. From the very first, my husband said he was very willing to return my mother's money. This is a hard time for me but it is now so comforting to know that there are those of you out there who understand what I'm going through and some have been through something similar. Cmagnum, it's good to hear that you and your sister are closer now that you have been working on arrangements for your dad. I hope the same is true in my case. I just had my husband read all of these responses and he feels better now too. Thank you so much for caring enough to answer!

I just lost everything that I typed. So, I type it again.

There are many examples of destroyed marriages in the midst of caregiving on this site. Often the destruction is but a symptom of deeper problems within the marriage that the stress of caregiving brings to the surface.

One of the major themes that arises from this collateral damage is one spouse is more connected to a parent (mom or dad) than they are to the spouse. This leaves the spouse feeling all alone. Some wives on this sight are still fighting for their marriage to a man who is more emotionally married to mom than he is to her. Sorry to be so blunt but that is actually what they have written. I've only read of one wife who abandoned her disabled husband to care for her lonely, but rich mom and expressed no regrets about her decision. Some husbands have waited for their wives to return after years of being gone taking care of mom whom the doctor said should be in a nursing home only to find her more upset over putting mom in a nursing home than being glad to be back with her husband. Other husbands have just considered their wives gone to either mom or to dad and have ended up divorcing them. Sometimes, but we don't here about this too often a husband his overly attached to his dad and thus easily dominated into a situation where he is emotionally abandoning his wife.

People may disagree with my observations, but this is what I've seen over the years of being on this site since around 2009 or 2010.

Don't let this happen to you and your husband.

Are you bound by this 25 year old hypothetical agreement, made in entirely different circumstances? Bound in what sense?

Legally, obviously not.

Morally… a teeny, tiny bit, maybe, but only to its fundamental aim of caring for your mother. You are NOT bound to the hypothetical arrangements precisely as agreed at that long distant time, when nobody knew what the real circumstances would be.

Much has changed since you and your brother made that agreement in principle. The agreement will have to change too, and be adapted to present realities. If your brother cannot accept that he is being a complete wombat, and paying no respect to the very real needs of your actual, present day, there-in-the-flesh husband.

Bringing him round to reality sounds as if it will be heavy going, for which I am very sorry for you, but have patience and try to work out comprehensive care for your mother that involves both siblings and their partners as far as they are freely willing to give their commitment. You are not in the wrong; your brother is being wilfully obdurate.

Return the money and he should return his mother's money to her also. That was not legal for him to do. Is he overly influential over his mom, her favorite or something?

Her mild dementia does not mean that she is incompetent to handle her financial business in a business like manner. Nor does it sounds like your brother is the best choice to be her durable POA since he has already mishandled her money and that is her money not his.

It would further anger your brother, but I wish your mother would change her mind while she still has her mind about who is her durable POA.

Even if she were incompetent, that was the wrong thing to do. What on earth was he thinking by doing that?

It does not make sense to give you the money with the expectation that you will give it back when she needs it. That's stupid! What does he expect you to do with it in the meantime invest it. Well, she can invest it if she wants to. There is nothing to be gained by dividing the money up. Sounds like bribery money to me. Where does he expect ya'll to have money from to take care of your mother in your house? Sounds like he wants you to spend your own money on her since he expects you to give the other money back. What does he plan on doing with his part of her money? Have you asked him about that? I bet he will not or would not like that question.

You are married now and you were single back then. As a married person, your first commitment is to your husband who is not healthy enough or up to the challenge of this.

Does your brother realize that it is not good for a person with dementia to be moved even every six months. Is he in denial of what a challenge it is for anyone, even a healthy person to look after someone with dementia? Is he trying to protect some sort of future inheritance which may or may not be there after her care and death? Why does he want ya'll to be the first to take care of your mother in your home? It was his idea to begin with, he should be first unless his plan is to get her into your house and never let her move in with him and his wife. Sounds sneaky to me.,

Whenever there is a discussion like this everything belongs on the table for a full and honest of discussion of he reality of this disease, people's own health and financial well being that don't and should not be thrown under the bus, but too often are either by others or by the person themselves, the financial well being of the parent, the parent's health and a realistic view of present and future implications of the future health needs of the parent and how best to approach them for their safety and care plus the well being of others. Who is going to pay for the parent's care also needs to be discussed and also the future plans about what to do when the money is about to run out. All aspects both future and present concerns need to be asked, researched and talked about.

Right now, my step-sister and I are discussing my dad's present and future care in light of his rapidly declining Alzheimer's, recent diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease, living at home with three 24/7 caregivers whom she coordinates very well, the upkeep of the house and other bills that would not be there if he were in an assisted living, his own statements from last spring that he wanted to move into an assisted living place after his wife died which took place in May of last year, his current boredom at home, his changing his mind about going to assisted living, how long his long term care policy will last and the best use of his money for someone who is 89 years old and might live beyond the time of his long term care policy, and the pressure and stress on my step-sister who is his durable and medical POA who went through a lot with her mother's care as her POA and the use of her long term care policy, plus I live 8 hours away and both my wife and are on full disability. A lot to consider, but we are seeking the input of his doctors, our own knowledge of the situation, and information we can both research from a site like this which I've already sent her a lot of information from. The unique thing is that years ago, our relationship was not all that great, but she has wonderfully changed and after her mother's death apologized to me for how mean her mother had treated me.

As an adult, you have the right to change your mind from 25 years ago. . As and adult and as a couple, you are within your right to have boundaries for the sake of your own well being and having a life. Does your brother and his have good boundaries in their life?

Sorry to be so log winded this morning but all of these ideas and questions keep coming to mind.

Things change you should be held to a verbal agreement you made years ago. I understand about taking care of family. contact your local area agency on aging for information on in home help, caregiver services and assisted living. someone at the agency should be able to help you explore options for caring for an aging parent. Staff there are knowledgeable and know what services are available. don't give up hope, your husband comes first; you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Explore all the options and present a plan to your brother for his input.

You sound like a very loving and compassionate person. Please do not let a sense of guilt or betrayal drive your decisions. I couldn't agree more with the advice given so far. My husband and I moved to Illinois three years ago to care for his 97 year old mother and it has been a terrible strain on our marriage as I no longer felt that I was a priority to him. We have come a long in way in these three years, but it was not easy. Bottom line, it was a struggle every day to keep our marriage in tact, but we do love each other and are working together to get our lives back. This website has been a real lifeline for me! Best wishes to you and your family.

My own mother has memory loss and mild dementia. She had a terrible time adjusting to the fact that she moved-in with me - it took her a LONG time to remember she lives with me and, a year later, still sometimes forgets that. It was a terrible adjustment for her to make the move.

Additionally, we stayed in a motel a couple times when we went back to take care of her house that she was selling. She wanted to be involved, but she was so disoriented by being in a hotel (she thought she was in a hospital and didn't know how she got there) that I wondered if I'd done the right thing by bringing her along. Also, even with just a couple days in a hotel, it made it hard to return to my house and she really had no idea where she lived for weeks after the hotel stays. On one trip, we stayed with her sister and that didn't help her - it was still a matter of being in a place she wasn't used-to even though it included one extra familiar person (her sister).

I've had some friends that were successful with the six months between two siblings plan but I think when a person has memory loss and mild dementia that it's probably not going to work, long-term. So, watch how your mother reacts, but I suspect going back-and-forth will be too much for her.

So, what's best for her might really be to stay in one place.

As for your promise, sadly, you'll have to break it. It was made 25 years ago and under different circumstances. Things have changed. You have another person in your life who deserves to be part of the decision, your mother's mental health isn't the same and, even though you should have spoken-up back when you made the promise that you might have to undo it if you got married, it's still not reasonable to hold you to it, now.

Give yourself a break. Breaking the promise makes you feel guilty but it doesn't mean you don't love all the people involved. Your husband isn't a bad person for not being able to handle the situation. Your brother isn't being particularly understanding about this, but he's not a bad person for trying to hold you to the promise, either.

The bottom line is that you can't have it all - no matter what you do, you probably won't feel good about it. Do your best, live with your guilt but try to remind yourself that you're doing your best and do what you can to just remember that.

When it comes to caregiving, I don't think a person should be held to what they said yesterday, let alone 25 years ago. These situations are very fluid. Things constantly change both for the caregivers and the care recipients. Unless someone has changed their situation drastically in reliance on your promise and now is left with no other options, I think you should feel free to change your mind at any time. Your husband does not want to live with your mother again and I think his wishes need to be honored. There's no way you can bring your mother to live with you and not have him be equally affected by the situation.

I am troubled that your brother "divided up" your mother's money while she's still alive. I don't think that's appropriate at all, and I think it's probably illegal. Are you sure that he hasn't used up "his" share and doesn't want to have to admit that the money for her assisted living no longer exists?

Your mother may prefer to live with family (or may think she prefers it, having never been in assisted living) but you should not be sacrificing your marriage or your husband's happiness to satisfy her preferences. She has money - it should be used for her care. If your brother wants to keep her full time that's his decision, but you aren't bound by it. You aren't bound to give your mother a home unless she'd be out on the street and starving otherwise (and some would argue not even then).

You have the right to change your mind. Bro has the right to feel betrayed. Husband has the right to not want to caregive. Cannot blame mom for wanting what she wants. Do not take money, return it for her care, she needs ALF or bro can do 24 by 7 by 365.... His decision.....in which case he should have the $ to facilitate the caregiving at home.
Yes, bro and even mom will be upset, but that is life. You will be worst off if you give in.

Yes, take care of your husband. He is and should be your number one priority. When your mother is gone and your brother is not in your day to day life, who is left? Put your husband's feeling first. No agreement made 25 years ago and before your marriage should stand. Things change, circumstances change. I suspect your brother is more concerned about the money, as many people are, than he should be. Take care.