Twenty five years ago, when I was single, my brother and his wife asked me if I agreed that mom and dad could live equal time in our homes when they could no longer live alone. I agreed but even at that time I wondered what a future husband might think of that arrangement.
I have been married now for nine years and my 91 year old mother cannot live alone any more. My father is deceased. My husband is totally against this arrangement. It has caused a lot of trouble within our family and within my marriage. My brother told us that even though my husband was not there at the time, an agreement was made none the less. My husband has done many things over the years to be a wonderful member of the family for both my parents and my brother's family but he now feels betrayed by them. There is much friction between us all. My brother lives in a different state many miles away.
My mother has mild dementia. She is still pleasant but her memory is very bad.
My husband cared for a relative with dementia for 10 years and he doesn't want to do it anymore. His health is being affected and he is very depressed about mom coming to live with us again. We finally agreed to it and we have had her with us twice for six months at a time. He said he just can't do it again.
My mother has money for assisted living but I know she would rather live with her family. My brother is in charge of her money and he has already divided it up between us with the understanding that we will return it as she needs it. We never discussed health issues when we first made this agreement.
We are looking into adult day care but that would only be two days a week for 5 hours a day.
I told my brother and husband that I feel torn about what to do. They both feel betrayed about my feeling torn. I love my husband very much and I don't want to ruin my marriage. I also care about my mother. Does anyone have any ideas, opinions or suggestions about what to do is this situation?