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So I have a nice home its paid off. I told my mother two years ago when I bought the house she can come to live with me in my pool house if ever she didn't have a place to go. ( she was living with a boyfriend at the time .) She's 74 years old and is selling her home to my son on a monthly basis due to her not being able to pay everything on her own.
Anyhow she moved into the pool house immediately!
I like her being there most of the time. Here is the issue, I work full time on a 3 week rotation away from home. I pay all the bills for her ( electricity ,water bill, dish network ,internet so she can watch netflix , I also told keep the a freezer in the garage full so she will never not have food ... meat ,fish,shrimp, fish )
Anyhow here is my issue , she wanted to put flooring down in the pool house like the wooden looking pergo flooring and I said no because I like the cement the way it looks. she got so angry.
well then she wanted to change the counter tops and I said no because I like them the way they look .again she got so angry she said she would just get it done while I was at work.I lost my mind and told her she better not change anything that is permanent without us discussing it and agreeing on it because I like it like it is. Well a year and a half later one of the window units break and she said she's not responsible because it's my home and I need to replace it. I waited 4 months to replace it because I told her she should replace it because she lives there for free. Long story my brother guilt-ed me into getting a small unit and my mom is angry that i didn't get a big one like the one that broke. well now a couple of days ago her front unit is going out and I told her she better save her money and now she pissed again. meanwhile she just bought a 1,000 TV because the 55 inch TV I bought her last year was not big enough and has purchased a nice recliner that helps her get up ... and a bed that moves into a sitting position and is talking about getting a big dining room table I don't care what she buys but why cant she buy the air-conditioner? I work and all my money goes to bills she thinks I'm rich and that I give everything to everyone else and nothing to her , I recently gave her 160.00 to go out of town with her sister because I wanted her to have fun ? but she says I give more to other people . shes angry that I just gave 5 pairs of tights to my sister. She's mad that I bought a car form myself and not for her. It's never enough ... I'm regretting that I bought a home with a pool house now. I didn't expect her to be so jealous and selfish. I was so proud that I would have a nice beautiful place for her ... its a 1100 square foot pool house and when she talks about it to other people she calls it a shack :(
I just got remarried and my wonderful husband is disabled and home all the time and shes so manipulative. Hes so kind and caring and she keeps trying to get him to get me to do things lol and he tells her hes not getting in the middle of it.
She even complains that he is spending my money ?

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You know what? I'd tell mother immediately that I'm renting out the 'pool shack' to a tenant who's thrilled to pay me $1500 a month (or whatever number sounds reasonable to you) and that she has 2 months to move OUT and find herself another person to mooch off of. The gravy train has officially dried UP and you're done. Finito. Washing your hands of being taken advantage of like THIS by your own MOTHER. Here you are trying to do HER a favor and she treats you like THIS?
Out she goes. Sorry.
Love ya Ma, but enough is enough.
Good luck setting down some strong, rigid boundaries & then sticking to them. Like glue.
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Seniors can be difficult, that's for sure, but, I would consider this. If your mother is becoming increasingly disagreeable, demanding, unreasonable, etc. I'd really wonder if she is doing okay cognitively. Years before my LO was diagnosed with dementia, she acted that way. Very demanding, selfish and difficult. Even health care professionals said she was lazy and selfish, but, it was the beginning of dementia. Later, it made sense.

If she is just being difficult and is not suffering cognitively, I'd figure a way to get her off my property. Life is too short to have discord over petty things, imo.

I'd also consult with an Elder Law attorney before transferring any real property to anyone. Transfers can have legal consequences down the road.
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Actually ,I think I had just forgotten how mean and selfish my mother was my whole life , I moved out at a very young age due to her always having hateful comments about my weight and everything was a competition . I asked my sister recently If I just never noticed how she is or is this new . My sister said I'd been gone too long because she has always been this way .
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You have my empathy!!! To answer your questions, NO, you are not being unreasonable or expecting to much, it's your mother doing those things!

My mother is very similar and I also moved her and created a situation that will be difficult to get out of now, BUT I also know I can't sustain this long term.

Start by setting some strong boundaries with your mom. If she doesn't like it too bad. She can huff and puff in the pool house. Get a separate dead bolt for your main house so she can't just barge in unannounced, especially if she is in a foul mood.

Let us know how it goes when you tell her about the rent. Let her know the AC will be fixed when you've saved up enough rent money to make the purchase but the rent will continue as long as she wants to live there.

Honestly, the entitlement of some old people is astounding.

BTW- What name is on the deed of her old home with the reverse mortgage? Just wondering if that will be considered an asset of hers should she ever require a care facility and needs medicaid.

Good luck and keep reaching out. So many caring people here who give wise advice. Best place I ever found to navigate this madness.
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The home deed is in my name because she was about to lose it when she was going through a bankruptcy 6 years ago.

I'm about to transfer it to my sons name as it is almost paid off .

my husband told her yesterday that we are broke, lol we aren't but I only have a little safety fluff in our savings account in case things break or I get hurt /laid off/ have an emergency .

I had gotten a settlement a few years ago and it kills her that she doesn't know how much it was and I bought a nice house a car and you know I set myself up to where I can live on my work salary easily ...
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I’m not sure from your responses that you’re angry or scared enough of the future with your mother to really do anything right now. My take is she is taking advantage of you, and you allow it. This only gets worse with time, and just wait until she gets a little older and worse aging issues pop up. If you want to become a full time caregiver and a prisoner in your home, stay on the path you are on. If you want a life with your new husband and to have your own retirement (which will bring your own aging issues to the fore eventually), then she has to go. Now. You are a generous soul and sometimes it’s family that takes complete advantage. NO is a complete sentence. So is GOODBYE. Sorry not sorry. Good luck.
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Oh wow , My thoughts about this have definitely changed since I moved back home to Louisiana from Alaska .
I lived away from home for 20 years, and always said I would never want my mother to live in a nursing home because she is too hateful to inflict on others ( my sister always said she would definitely put her in a home) well, now I know I will put her in a home when she can no longer care for herself . I will not be held hostage by a spiteful angry woman who is jealous of my life and nothing is ever enough for her.

You guys are so helpful .Thanks so much
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Southerninak, with some of the limited clues in your posts, I think your mother might be more histrionic than narcissistic. You might consider a little reading; "Say Goodbye to Your PDI" by Stan Kapuchinski is a very practical book of guides for identifying and coping with the personality disordered individual (pdi). This book helped me tremendously in dealing with an extended family member with histrionic personality disorder. The "what not to do" and "what you can do" sections as the examples of how each PDI acts made sense in a way many other more clinical descriptions did not.
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I just read the signs and symptoms of histrionic personality and OMG it fits my mom to a T .

she constantly says " they think they are better than me " and compares herself to everyone . Needs to be the center of attention ....always dramatic ,so dramatic .

I'm definitely going to read up on this Thank you

Wow this really makes me look back to things from growing up that happened ..comparing herself to my sister and I always trying to be smaller than us ( shes very critical of our weight if we are bigger than her ., and liked to point it out in a room full of people) If we went on a diet she went on a diet . we used to laugh so hard when we went on a diet hahaha we would say ...oh, moma's going on a strict diet now if we lost weight .
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The family housing and finances are completely intertwined and confusing.
With your son benefiting at your mother's house, you could look at that and ask a lawyer to clean that up a bit if you need to break ties with her.

Son and Mom at her house?
Mom returns to her house and rents out rooms.
Son rents your guest house?
You sell your house and move away?

A n y t h i n g is possible.

All options are open. Renegotiate all this by starting over?
Whose house is having Christmas dinner?
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Christmas Dinner is at my house .

My mom is usually very cordial when we have family dinners . she did say one thing that was inappropriate on my wedding day in may ,but I was a bit too " in the moment" to react and it kind of just went over my head " a few days later my daughter in law asked me why my mom said that and I laughed because I remembered the moment and understood why I was confused . I believe my mom did it for attention . she said Amy has a silver bullet and I said no I'm not I'm drinking vodka and cranberry , she was talking about a dildo, I was talking about coors light hahaha ? I have no idea why she would say that to a room full of people on my wedding day but I'm glad I didn't understand the conversation .

This is the only time that I know of that she has done something like this .


As far as the house goes ,I already offered for my son to move out and I would pay him back whet he paid my mother for the house but she just cannot afford to live there on her own with a 1,000 a month . and she would never rent rooms out OMG lol shes above that you know ?

I would love for my son to live in my guest house ,we have so many options actually and I will discuss all of them when I get home next week .

I just bought the house two years ago and I love it . so that's not an option .

I think I'm just a bit frustrated that my mom is trying to manipulate me and I don't really want to have to be firm because she tries emotional blackmail every time . My sister usually walks away and tells her she will return when she can stop crying and have a decent conversation - this is how I will handle the situation also .
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I would set a time frame for her to move and live on her own income. At the very least I would a monthly rent for her to start paying January 1st.
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You can make this work, at least for the holidays.
Set aside your frustrations, talk to us f o r e v e r if you like.
But get yourself some peace.
As much as you can find when dealing with an entitled aging mother.
Try ignoring her, and do not allow her anger to manipulate you.

After the holidays, you can read up on narcissists and how to manage
if she is one.

It was very wise of you to reach out to this community of caregivers.
If nothing else, some of us can express your justified anger for you! (joke).

Really, we will come alongside of you and help you make some reasonable changes, including the charging her rent bit.

I just hate that you are having to go thru all this.
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Actually just coming on here and seeing it's not just me makes me feel so much better . Thanks so much .I got a nice chuckle out of that one .
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Why on earth are you not charging her rent? There is no way she should have a free ride.

Better yet, she needs to find a place she can afford and move out.
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Thanks everyone for answering I'm a little overwhelmed .

I think its because I felt guilty for my late husband talking my mom into doing a reverse mortgage on her home .Because she kept borrowing money from us when things would break and never paying us back and he said it was BS because we were pretty much giving her two to 3 thousand dollars every few months for a couple of years and he wasn't doing it anymore . So we did the reverse mortgage to be able to give her 500 a month to get by .. plus she is on disability. and we would own her home when she passed .Meantime she meets the boyfriend and moves in with him and my son moves back home from China and wants to buy her house so he continues to give her the 500 bucks a month ,then my husband passes away and I was stupid for telling her she will always have a place to live when she got old .... I know it was my fault I had lived away in Alaska for 18 years and forgot how she was.
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I would put some boundaries in place starting with paying her way, rent, cable water bill and electric. You have spoiled her, she is using you, only you can stop this nonsense.

Set the stage, stop all the enabling is she won't comply have her moved out.
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The problem is how you allowed her to move in with no rules. It’s difficult to unring the Bell.

Depending on your state laws, you can’t just ask her to leave. You may have to evict her. I think if I were you I would look into eviction, not to actually evict her unless that’s what you want but to get her attention.
I would get a standard lease with provisions on no modifications highlighted and have her sign it or go forward with the eviction. She isn’t happy with your home. She’s just happy with the terms. Well, the free part. She’s overly involved in your personal life.

I just looked at your profile!
At 53 buying a lift chair! Give me a break. What are her health issues?

I won’t buy one for my 93 yr old aunt because it’s a sure way to become disabled. The muscles in the upper leg are very important for mobility. Does mom get into that pool? She better start.

Your mom needs to move IMO. You could have her for another 40 years! If she needs a lift chair at 53 and isn’t disabled now, oh my.

YES you are being unreasonable to allow your mom to turn into a petulant child by your enabling her. She needs a job, friends, activities. Maybe a husband of her own.

You are not helping her to allow her to act like a late blooming child in the basement. This is a Dr Phil show for sure.
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I just fixed my profile lol I was so upset I put my age there . Shes 74 has two knee replacements and arthritis and the all encompassing Fibromyalgia ... she is in quite a bit of pain which is why I wanted to help her and have a place fro her to live when she got too old to care for herself. I did not expect her to move in so quickly , she lied to her boyfriend and told him that we ( her 4 children) begged her to move because we didn't see her enough when she lived with him 30 minutes away.

She left her boyfriend because he wouldn't buy a new trailer , she likes to live a certain way you see...But nothing is ever good enough

I talked to her earlier today and told her we need to have a serious conversation when I get home and she said OK ,then went do laundry in my house and try to make my husband feel sorry for her ,she was crying and saying she didn't have 700.00 for the A/C and he told her he could give her back the money she paid on the TV and she could go get one and she said no she was not giving back the TV .

and I called my brother , the one that made me feel guilty last time her first A/C broke and I bought another one . I told him if he thinks she needs one he needs to pay for it and that I would not hear one word about it.

She is a spoiled brat and I will treat her just like my child .

I remember my child hood we were always getting the power shut off because she bought cloths instead of paying the bills ..she needs to get it together .I moved out at 15 .

Oh and she cant keep friends because shes so jealous of other women . she compares herself to everyone and talks bad about everyone.

I also spoke to my sister about what I will be telling my mother when I get home , we are in agreement . If my mother wants me to act like a landlord and be responsible for everything then she will be a tenant and pay 200.00 a month plus electricity .
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i agree with LoopyLoo. Changing the drapes is one thing. But remodeling the pool house to her tastes is another. If she wants to make a home entirely her’s, help her find a one bedroom or studio apartment within her Social Security benefits or apply for Section 8 and show her the door. Time to evict her from Cheryl’s She Shed.
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Kick her out. If she hates it so much there, she can go elsewhere. She is ungrateful and spoiled. Not only is it free housing, but she lives totally off you!! Why are you feeding, housing, and providing entertainment for her? She will not change her ways.
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My thing about the food is that I can remember (after my divorce,we lived in a trailer park not a very good one, it was all I could afford ) being so poor and my children and I only having the fish my mother gave us to eat ( her boyfriend at the time was a shrimper and gave me all the fish from his nets while I was going to nursing school) I'm an LPN now for the last 26 years.

So I guess that really stuck with me . I didn't believe in food stamps so I went to their house on weekends and helped out selling the shrimp and washing his truck and the boat for giving me the fish . I would not have made it through school without that food ,she brought me left overs all the time too . That was the worse time in my life and I do not want my mom to be hungry so I keep the freezer full all the time .

The other stuff is because I was a pushover . lol but I'm getting better
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