Am I being too particular about my husband's care in the facility?

Hoo boy I guess I should be thankful that my mother is in an excellent facility by the comments here. She has only been in her memory care unit since May 5, and my dad passed May 25th so she has been there alone now. The staff takes her labeled laundry basked & returns only her clean clothes. I have never seen her in others (but she wears the same thing everyday) and others don't wear her clothes. She doesn't tend to leave her room much but she has all her possessions and so far have not noticed anything missing. Honest staff I'm guessing? My only concern is that she doesn't bathe-hasn't since I bathed her in April and staff states she will not bathe. Is this normal? She does get her hair "done" every couple weeks so we know that is washed.

At one LTC I worked at, it was shower night for one of my residents and right before I turned on the water, I saw she had her watch on. I to,d her I would put it in my pocket to keep it safe. She got her shower and took her back to her room to watch tv. I went about my shift, we had very little idle time. About an hour or do later I go into my pocket for something and found her watch. I went straight to her room and I said I have your watch! She was so happy, she thought she lost it, I said no, I forgot to give it back...
On a personal note, my mother has moved from AL to LTC last week. I donated her furniture and when I went into her apartment, I found her hearing aid that went missing back in April when she went to the ER. It must have fell out of her ear and down through the cushion..

I hope your efforts on the eyeglasses work.
Grandma1954 is right about the brightly colored clothes and laces. I bought my cousin a pair of bright purple tennis shoes in her favorite brand. She loves them. She also got a second pair a little later. ALSO purple, so I don't think they will be mixed up, though, we've never encountered shoe issues, just bras and eyeglasses.

Yesterday, I took in another pair of glasses. I put bright yellow florescent tape on each side, his name and a smiley sticker. Wrapped all this in clear tape so it wouldn't come off. I can only wait and see if he is able to hang on to this pair.
He sure liked them and immediately said "oh my goodness, this is much better!"
Anyway...thanks to all your comments, I'll pick my battles carefully. 😀

A little side note regarding clothing - if the resident has clothing that is hard to wash or really good quality and you want to keep it that way - take it home. I didn't sort through my moms cloths when we moved her from AL to NH. So - several wool sweaters are now fit for a small toddler and because they let my mom pick her outfits I'll visit to find her in sweat pants and a Anne Klien blazer. I don't mind though - my own fault for not removing the "dry clean only" items and the designer clothes. And really - in the long run these items would have ended up at Goodwill anyhow.

There are several things that can be happening.
Staff takes some things.
Residents take some items. they either think that the item belongs to them or it is "pretty" or "useful" so they take it.
Laundry is a big problem if the item is not clearly marked some items can be put in the wrong room or in a "community" pile. Not having the same staff collect laundry and return it might be an issue.
I suggest clearly marking items that you can not afford to loose. Like glasses. Items like toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, shavers and things like that I was told when my husband was in rehab that these things could not be kept in his room they were locked in a closet, each resident had a bin marked with their name. The items were brought to the room when needed. (sore point for me that they were not used often enough!!)
Start shopping at thrift stores for clothing so if an item does go missing it is not a big deal. If your husband is still walking and he needs properly fitting shoes use a bright colored set of shoe laces that coordinate with a color in his room. This way if you see "those" shoes on another pair of feet you can claim them back. You also might want to attach a small luggage tag to the shoelaces so it is obvious who belongs to the shoes.
The rest of the clothing don't stress too much about it. If he is well cared for and likes it there you have overcome 2 hurdles that many struggle with.

I even tried taking my husbands clothes home with me to wash but items did not make it to the hamper I provided and items still got sent to the laundry. I just never brought his "good" clothes so I let it pass.

Fight for things that make a difference. I fought for 4 weeks to gt a seat riser for the toilet and remove an unstable commode in the bathroom. That was worth the fight. I fought to make sure his hands were washed and fecal matter removed. (the rehab he was in was old and not handicap accessible if you can believe that!) I fought to make sure he was not left to lay in bed but to get him up into a wheelchair.
Bottom line some things are worth fighting for others not so much.
If you ever have a problem ask for a meeting with the director so your concerns can be addressed.

Carol, I've never heard of a Memory Care facility allowing residents to keep toiletries in their room. I guess the rules are different by state. The ones that I have seen in NC, do not allow anything like that. No lotions, mouthwash, toothpaste, shaving cream, etc. as the patient could ingest it, not realizing what it is. Unless it's locked up, other residents who are more progressed could get to it and ingest it as well. Here, staff handle it or supervise the resident who does it for themselves.

They also, insure that everyone is dressed appropriately. For Memory Care, there should be much more hands on care with all of their needs. They should either be ensuring he has a cap on or wearing sun screen on his head for outings. Maybe they need to reassess his needs for daily care to include help with dressing.

I don't think insisting that he has HIS OWN shoes on is too demanding. That should be required by the staff.

I'm not sure what can be done about the glasses. The staff can't ensure that he will keep them on at all times. You could be replacing them every week, if he takes them off, lays them down in someone else's room, puts them in the waste basket or toilet....I would love to know of a way to ensure the resident keeps up with their glasses. I have not been successful.

I have seen families in the past place a personal hamper in the room and stop by once a week to take home their loved one's clothing to wash. It is also helpful to post many notes around the room: "Family will wash clothes". Hope this will help.

Again, a bunch of excellent comments! I think I will concentrate on the glasses and shoes. Of course, I've already taken care of the shoes.
A recent example is a nice outing that my husband was able to go on but they sent him out on an 85 degree day in heavy sweatpants, a t-shirt and those big shoes. That was the first we notice the shoes. But he is balding and has never been out without his ballcap. But that day he had to hold his shirt over his head when he had to be out in the sun. So I don't think the staff help with daily dressing or grooming for those who are somewhat able to do it, which he is at this point.
Maybe more is expected of me, especially during outings. I don't know.
Another issue I have to deal with is the fact that he has a roommate who has dentures. So my husband has been brushing his teeth with the other mans polident! Not sure they keep their brushes separate either. I don't know if this is important either...but yuk!
The memory care facility is one of the best in our area. Like I've said, it's beautiful and the staff are very nice. Okay, I guess I'm ready to let it all go except as some have said, for the glasses and anything that might cause a safety issue.
This is all new for me and I imagine I'll adjust to it eventually.
Sure appreciate talking to you all though, very helpful!

The ALs around here all provide wash cloths, towels and linens, at no additional costs. Laundry service for linens and clothing is also included for no extra charge.

The clothes are washed in extra hot water and they wear pretty quickly, but I think it's worth it. If she messes things up, they need to be washed that day. I don't want them sitting and waiting for me to pick up later in the week, so it makes sense for me.

No kidding, Churchmouse! I guess I should have added that unfortunately- she is down to one bath towel! But I guess it's like Sendme said - five wash cloths equal a bath towel. Well, almost!

Somebody in the laundry must have had a good old sort-out, Rainmom! Take that person a posy of flowers :)

CarolC, If it is important to you, it is important.
There is always the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" philosophy.
After awhile, the facility staff will have to choose whether it is easier to keep track of the patient's belongings, or hear you make a big deal of it-the bigger the better if it is important to you!
I don't think you are being too picky.

50, That is a good number of wash cloths-I like that-so easy to wash-use one a day equals a towel after a week.
My dH likes hand towels better than bath towels. Makes it easier for me to wash.

Angel - I agree with you. For me the exceptions to not making a fuss over, would be glasses, hearing aids, dentures and yes, shoes. Mainly these are custom items that very likely cost a pretty penny and aren't so easily replaced. In addition their use can be vital to quality of life. Shoes - can be very expensive especially if there is an orthopedic device involved and yes, as you said - could be a trip hazard. It is funny - odd funny, - about how these things disappear and reappear. From the beggining wash cloths were an issue at moms place. But no biggie - inexpensive to replace. But now after nine months every wash cloth my mother ever had has reappeared- I counted near 50 of them in her closet last week.

I feel like I have a slightly different opinion on this issue than the others.

I agree that your husband wearing someone else's shirt or something like that is no big deal, or seeing his pants on another resident, also not really a big thing.

However the shoes and glasses I feel differently about. Both of these items, if ill fitting or not of the proper prescription, can cause a decline in the quality of living at best, and a serious, life threatening fall at worst. I do not believe it is ok to wear shoes two sizes too big, or someone else's glasses (or none at all) when they are needed. These are safety issues and I would press the home on these two items...but i would agree who cares about the clothes.

Angel

Carol75, I have learned to set priorities and some things have to take a back seat.

I provide my cousin lovely outfits to wear in her Memory Care facility. I try to keep the outfits together, with pants and shirt on one hanger, so it's easy to dress her in the morning, but for some reason, they don't always follow the lead. I sometimes go in and see her in a shirt that doesn't really match the pants or in a dark colored shirt on a bright sunny day or spring looking shirt in the winter. I don't get it. I have asked them to please put her dressier clothes on her when seeing the doctor and to put her patriotic clothes on July 4, but......I don't think things like that are a priority there. The staff are quite busy and the most important things are health, safety and comfort. I have to accept that. I have to get over things like being fashionable. Besides, my cousin, nor any of the other residents have any concern about her attire. It's all in my mind. (She didn't concern herself with things like that even before she got sick.)

Thanks everyone for these helpful comments. I was thinking about moving him to another facility which would t be easy but now that I know it's a common problem, why bother.
And yes, he is as happy as possible considering the circumstances. I'll do what I can to help when I visit, otherwise I'll just try to enjoy seeing him.
Jeannegibbs, I will get the book you suggest and thanks for letting me know about it.
Well, I visit tomorrow and I'm going to try another pair of glasses with florescent tape and his name. We'll see how that goes...😀

I know a few families at the facilities I worked at would donate their loved ones clothing when they passed away..

Before leaving for camp when I was little, my mother sewed name tags into my belongings - everything from underwear and socks to towels and bags. Nowadays, you can get iron on labels. 100 of them cost around $12 and you can customize them in three lines worth of space.

45 years ago when my grandma was in a nursing home, I can remember my mother getting all P.O.'d over stuff gone missing so I guess I went into this believing "it is the nature of the beast". Sometimes I think the other residents must share in the blame. A couple months ago there was a big sign on the door of the room next to my mothers. "Do Not Enter". I got nervous that the man had some horrible, contagious disease and asked about it. The reply - " oh no. He passed away last week and the other residents keep going in the room and are taking things".

Buying replacement clothing at Senior Center thrift stors is a great idea to keep costs down! Keeping them labeled with their names might help, but no guarantees, unfortunately these things just seem to disappear from the Nursing homes. Glasses can be worn on a necklace around their necks, if allowed and should be labeled as well. I doubt that it's the staff taking these types of things most of the time, but money and valuables shouldn't be left with the residents as they can disappeared too, and sometimes with unethical staff. I doubt that you will find a Nursing home that doesn't have these types of issues, so if they are great in every other way, and if he likes it there, then I would overlooked these sorts of inconveniences.

I was in the Salvation Army store one day and a woman was buying a bunch of flannel shirts. She said quite cheerfully that Grandpa was in "X' N/H so she came to the SA about once a month and brought him clothes because his were forever going missing!
As far as glasses are concerned you can get pretty cheap prescription glasses on the internet so why not get a prescription and order a few pairs of the cheapest ones you can find and at least he would have something.
Stealing by staff is always a problem in any healthcare facility and of course is never right. If you leave it unattended it is fair game.
The idea of keeping receipts and photographing the item is an excellent one id the facility is willing to reimburse.
All very annoying but as others have said if your loved one is happy and well cared for bite the bullet and provide the minimum of cheap clothing needed.

Actually, yes that's true about glasses, Sunnygirl. Heaven knows I have enough trouble keeping track of my own!

I've never spoken to anyone who had a loved one in AL or Memory Care who did not have trouble with "items." I think it's normally due to haste with the laundry staff when it comes to clothes. I've never had any clothes mix up with one exception. The only items that I have encountered problems are bras. They are clearly labeled with her name, but seem to disappear. I now take photos of them and along with my receipts, request reimbursement. The director told me that they are responsible of any missing items and I should submit for reimbursement. That seems to have gotten better.

Another problem was eye glasses. The loved one may take them off and leave them anywhere in the facility. They have no idea that they even wear glasses, so keeping up with them is quite is futile. Sometimes they show up, sometimes they are broken. Sometimes her doll disappears, only to return weeks or months later. She likely takes it to other residents to comfort them or just lays it on their bed, forgets and leaves.
Since her care is good, I try not to focus on those things, but if it was really bad, I would.

I take photos of all shoes and clothes that I take into the facility and keep the receipt. Just in case.

I would say, yes and no.

Yes, in that it is true that material things matter less than the spirit in which your husband is cared for. This is true. It is *more* important that he is well treated, well fed, washed and dressed in clean clothes - whether his or somebody else's.

But oh for God's sake! I like MsMadge's comment that residents in memory care 'add to the mayhem' - don't they just! - but all the same. It is NOT all right that the housekeeping and laundry services can't figure out a reasonably reliable system. This is NOT beyond the wit of man. For example, it is hard to stop people mislaying odd items of clothing - a cardigan left on a chair, a shoe slipping off someone in a wheelchair - but it is not hard to check for a name and return the item to its correct room. And staff, no matter how low their wages, stealing from residents is not merely unacceptable but still criminal. Also disgusting. What kind of person steals from the helpless? Should that person be employed in their home?

A genuinely excellent continuing care facility depends on good leadership. I have seen it done in real life, and in my dream world I would have that Manager cloned and deployed worldwide. If residents' belongings go missing, if residents are dressed in a hodgepodge of other people's clothes, if glasses and purses and - it happens - dentures are lost, then the facility's senior managers need to get their finger out.

So. Yes: focus on what really matters. But no: politely and smilingly and above all laying responsibility where it belongs, persist. Do not willingly accept poor practice.

Carol
Be happy you found a facility where your husband is doing okay
His glasses if he's nearsighted should be kept in the nurses med cart for safekeeping

My moms facility has 62 residents which imho is way too many - her things disappear all the time and some have never come back - she lays her purse somewhere almost daily but it gives her great comfort to have it - mostly strapped around her neck

I have her name on everything and it doesn't matter - residents come into her room and take off their clothes - her neighbor has the same first name and so more confusion -

Residents with dementia have few inhibitions - men walk around in their briefs and pee where they're standing - one man loves hats - men's or women's

Last night he was wearing another woman's fedora and she told him so - I tried to soothe her and said oh well it looks quite fetching on him and she replied it looked quite fetching on her - lol - mind you she wears her shirt inside out and since no one helps her at bedtime she sleeps in her clothes

I won't even go into teeth brushing and how often I find my mom bare bottom with no diaper - she's had 4 UTIs in as many months

When a deceased woman's pants showed up in her closet I gave them to the nurse and the next night they were back in her closet so I threw them away - they were 2sizes too small

Of course at the rehab facility every single thing I had in my moms nightstand was stolen - comb, jar of mentholatum, makeup bag, prayer book, toothpaste etc

Low wage staff stealing from the elderly is a huge problem but in memory care residents add to the mayhem

CarolC75, I think you would enjoy reading a book called "Creating Moments of Joy" by Jolene Brackey. For one thing, it would reassure you about how very common this is, and that it doesn't indicate a bad care facility.

Thanks for the great comments. JJGood, my hubby is fine with these things and even says "I don't care." But he's not able to know which things are his anyway.
So maybe it actually doesn't matter. The shoes were causing him to stumble a bit but he's in good shape and they probably wouldn't actuallymake him fall. I turned them in anyway.
And about the labeling...I marked everything with a black permanent marker the first day he went there. Except he had on his glasses and I missed marking them. They were brand new, had them only two days. Have never seen them since. So I went back to the doc and ordered him another identical pair, the desk marked them for me and he only had them about 4 days. The day before I had taken in a glass case and marked with his name. Everything is gone...and sometimes he'll have on glasses that aren't his.
It's just too irritating so maybe I should just leave it alone. I dont want to become known as a complainer. And I only go visit him once a week because I'm too worn out at this point to do more. Maybe later I'll be able to take better care of him if I could go every day.
Oh and Rainmom, I did mention the glasses more than once and they are very nice about it. They have me go through the box of missing glasses and they say they'll keep an eye out for them and that they'll probably turn up soon. But he's been mostly without glasses for the almost two months he's been there. I think it sad!
But Thanks again for the great comments, really appreciate it.
Carol

I wanted to add - don't keep anything in your husbands room that would bother you to "loose" - and nothing valuable. As far as clothes and shoes go - if you want to make sure they find their way back to your husband - use a black sharpie marker and clearly put his name and room number on the item.