Am I being too particular about my husband's care in the facility?

One night, after mom had been in her NH for some time, SIL said brightly, " it's so lovely, tonight is your shower night".

Mom looked sad and said no, she wasn't able to shower any longer.

What???? Mom had no " why". She just shrugged.

After a great deal of detective work, it transpired that mom ( who had dementia) had decided that she would have to stand to shower. She knew she could no longer stand for long.

With some assurance that there was a shower chair (which she'd been using all along) and shower her the shower set up during a non bathing time, she was able to be bathed again.

You have no way of knowing what is going on in your husband's broken brain. But try walking him to the shower room during a time when it's not in use and you may find out what's putting him off.

My husband has been in a skilled nursing home for over a year. He has vascular dementia. He refuses to have his hair cut or beard trimmed. He also refuses to take a shower. Staff claim that they can't make him. They have asked me to come down to talk him into taking a shower. When I do he always says that he doesn't have a problem, but then he refuses. What should I do?

Parents were in three different facilities over the years, all after spending time in hospital and then to 'rehab' for a few weeks. Not memory care. I asked manager at the first place what type clothing to bring in...brochures showed smiling patients all neatly dressed, perfect hair. And he agreed that is what they all wear - not the Sunday best but next thing to it. Mother did not want staff doing their laundry so I agreed....every three days bringing back freshly laundered clothing, all CLEARLY MARKED with name and a Patient Belongings form filled out in detail. And staff put a huge orange sign on the closet doors - "Family Will Do Laundry". Second facility - same situation but it was a long trip and parents did not have a lot of decent clothing. By the third facility mother relented and said staff could take care of laundry. Disaster. By the third day I get a frantic call "we have no clothes!" Mother is wearing a hospital gown, no robe to cover her backside. Father had a beautiful expensive sweatshirt, one of the few items he ever bought for himself.. It was clearly labeled and staff instructed to not wash it...that I would do so. Sweatshirt disappears. Dad is more than upset. I asked to search the locked laundry room. Well, there is Dad's shirt hanging up. Staff claim no knowledge, no idea who owned it. I pointed out the name tag. Duh! Three days later, it's gone again, never to be seen. And it did no good to confront the owner/manager. He would disappear every time he saw you coming but sure had time to sweet talk with his favorite employees. Bottom line - all the talk about what patients wear and those fancy brochures is not true - it's just a promotional gimmick. Staff may be underpaid and/or overworked but that is no excuse for outright stealing. If the patients there had memory issues, I could understand it, but these were strictly acute care rehab.

I'm actually Laughing Out Loud at the conversation from three months ago, how did I miss reading that?😄🤣😂

I realize how very lucky I was to get my spouse into our VA facility. The moment we arrived all his clothing was taken, washed, labeled etc. I have never seen him in someone else's clothing. I believe he gets excellent care, and since he tends to only sleep for 3 to 4 hours my hats off to the staff. I just want him safe and getting good care. Hats off to all the staff who take care of the ALZ group, I can't thank them enough. I wouldn't worry about the clothes but eye glasses - special cords or color coded?

Well I guess I am lucky I have my father in AL and I do his was either every week or every 2 weeks. They furnish the washing machines and dryers. I am there almost every other day and they don't know when I will pop in. A few month ago there was a lady in his section and her altimzers had gotten bad she was a pick pocketed other lady's purses and she would take there glasses. I would tell the nurse that she took some's glasses and they would laugh and go retrieve them. Dad will be there a 1 year next month. You could get your mom those attachments that get clipped to the arms of the glasses and it goes around her neck that might help

I send away for name labels for my mom. I iron them in. They have her name, building and room number. I bring 3-4 outfits to the nursing home at a time and I hang them in her closet in outfit order: shirt and pants, shirt and pants, shirt and pants. When I kept all of her clothes in her closet at the NH, they would go missing because staff "borrowed" them for other residents who had no clothes. I lost about $800 worth of clothing that way. I've had very good luck just bringing a few outfits at a time. When I first started this, things would still go missing and I would go to the nurse and say, "Can you have a search done for my mom's purple shirt? It has her name on it," and usually stiff would be found in another resident's closet or hamper. Now I don't even have to do that because everyone knows my mom's closet has no extra clothes.

You can also request a lock for your husband's closet. Make sure his name is on everything.

I know it's been a while since you first asked this question. Has the problem resolved at all?

Smiling faces and pretty surroundings does not equal people being adequate at their job. Limit the number of clothes your husband has. Get a permanent marker and write his initials on the collar. Label all belongings with his initials or even room no.

When I was interviewed for Hospice the executive directer told me to wear business clothes and no work boots or jeans.
WELL after visiting a few patients and slogging over some muddy fields the business clothes only came out for our biweekly meeting in the office. Besides that was the way patient famillies dressed and I felt it made them more comfortable if I followed their lead. I wanted them to view me as a caring friend not a bossy official.

During my infamous four days in rehab the aides were very good at picking out suitable outfits.
But I do agree the older one gets the more important comfort is.

CM, deliberately, no, just par for the course - ha ha

I wouldn't know about what is best for full-busted women. None in our family. I'm in favor of comfort. Do what it takes to achieve it.

And I think you've hit on the real issue here. "The sight of her ..." That is about what it looks like to you, not about her dignity. Which is OK. No reason not to enjoy looking at her, when you are the one dressing her.

CM, you and I live in different countries. There may be some cultural differences, too.

I had certain clothes I wore to the nursing home. One day a little ol' lady I hadn't seen before was gesturing for me to come to her. Oh-oh. When I got to her wheel chair she said, "I love your great pants!" It was a thrift store purchase of bright pink velour with tropical flowers appliqued on it. Yep, a nursing home outfit! (I found out later the woman was 100 and had lived on her own until recently.) I bought a fully-sequined baseball cap at a garage sale and the nh ladies loved it, too. Dignified didn't seem to be high on their list of favorite clothing attributes.

Mother did buy some sweatshirts. Her favourite had a picture of a smug cat captioned on the front "il faut toujours prendre la vie..."and on the reverse "de la bonne côté!" showing a little mouse emerging from under the cat. She also went a bit too enthusiastically for that "When I am old I shall wear purple" poem with the result that Daughter 1 said behind her hand to me "what's with the Ribena berry look?"

Certainly I am all for comfort over fashion: I may still cling to my high heels but it's mainly for fond reminiscence these days, and I live in jeans (when I can be bothered to get out of my pyjamas, that is!). But if you're full-busted then a well-fitting bra is more comfortable than freestyle, surely? And the sight of her dressed in clothes that she would have shuddered at... there has to be a happy mean between fashion plate and bag lady.

Countrymouse, yes, you could argue it either way, I suppose. I think I am on your SIL's side on this one -- though obviously it would depend on your mother's level of awareness. All four of us daughters were thrilled when our mother "lowered her standards" or "opted for comfort" and stopped wearing bras.

I don't know how the aids dressed her in the mornings, but Mom was almost always in nicely coordinating clothing. I'd mention that to Mother often. "Oh that blouse looks so nice with those pants. They do a good job of helping you dress, don't they?" This pleased her, but I doubt she'd be particularly upset or notice if her clothes were unmatched.

As my husband became less and less able to handle his own dressing I bought easier and easier clothes for him to put on. Sweat pants and knit athletic shorts and pants became a larger and larger part of his wardrobe. Turtle necks gave way to v-necks. That gave him the dignity of being able to dress himself. If he needed or wanted to "dress up" for an occasion I had to help him dress, but that gave him the dignity of fitting in for the occasion. It doesn't have to be one or the other all the time. (And at his adult day health program sweat pants fit in just fine. Apparently lots of folks were encouraged to dress themselves and given clothes that made it easier.)

I am sitting here in cozy sweat pants and a cute "Grandma" sweatshirt given to me by grandchildren. I don't feel undignified in the least. I don't need these easy clothes because of any impairment in getting dressed. I just like comfort. And after all the years of dressing for success for my career I feel entitled to "lower standards." This is my standard winter at-home wardrobe, with a few jeans thrown in.

I haven't worn a bra for several years, except for formal occasions such as weddings, when the more fitted clothing looks better with a foundation garment. (I defy you to look at me now and guess whether I'm wearing a bra or not. But then, my boobs definitely don't get caught in my belt!)

Also MsMadge, I have to ask, with that supply cart incident - they're not deliberately winding you up are they??? Hoca does seem to be the Fawlty Towers of facilities.

And actually, that reminds me of one bone of contention between me and my grrrr SIL. As she became less mobile and frailer, mother had increasing difficulty dressing. SIL's solution was tracksuits and sweatshirts. My solution was to help her put on her own clothes. It isn't that I didn't get the point, it was a different view of which was more important - helping her maintain her standards, or helping her change gear to different standards. You could argue it either way, I suppose.

MsMadge, the choosing clothes incident makes me put my head in my hands.

"Support autonomy" - tick.

What about "maintain dignity"?

Don't get me started on missing wheelchairs and the footrests are the first thing to go missing at $90 to replace

Tonight staff was using mom's transport chair as a supply cart

A wheelchair went missing? Jeezy Peezy! I'm not going to give up wearing bra--no way, no how! Lol!

Veronica,
A better idea!

I gave up wearing a bra over a year ago because it was too uncomfortable and now I have to be
careful not to catch my boobs in my waist band.

I wonder if it would be a good idea to separate men's and women's rooms in facilities. They could share facilities like dining rooms and lounges but not have access to rooms of the opposite sex. 

At one point I had a single room in the hospital which shared a bathroom with the male resident next door!. He had a nasty habit of using the bathroom and then opening the door to my room to let the smell out. No way was I going to use that bathroom. I stuck to using the comode in my room.

Pam
Despite my mom being an ample double d, her facility is no longer bothering with a bra - unless it looks like she's bothered by it - oh well

Up all night
let me share this take from a week ago in mom's memory care facility

A male resident wandered down mom's hallway while I was sitting in her room while she napped before lunch

Door are routinely left open and this man entered to room across the way and shut the door
Awhile later he came out in his underwear and entered another room

after awhile he came back wearing clothes belonging to men in the room next to mom and went back into the room across the way

This went on for about 30 minutes or so and housekeeping was in the hallway and clearly saw what he was doing

The second time he came out of the room across the way he had a yet another outfit on including ladies pink socks
so at this point I go gather up all the stray clothes give them to the wives of the owners and try to track down someone to fetch the wandering undressed man

Staff generally has no idea where residents are if they are mobile and will say residents are not restricted from entering anyone's room so don't bring anything of value

I used to get annoyed when mom was dressed like a clown - pink tops and orange pants
Until I observed staff helping her get dressed

Staff held up two tops and let mom choose
Then same with the pants

Naturally mom chose her favorite items

Why staff didn't try to offer matched items is another question but something's we just have to let go of to relieve the stress

What is it about bras? My MIL went into rehab the first time with 3 nice bras,, left with 4 other bras,, not her size! Now she is in MC and I have no idea? We did my Moms laundry when she was in rehab.. but she is so tiny I doubt anyone else could have worn hers!

Yes! I'm going through the same thing with my husband. His wheelchair from home  is missing. He has one he is using but it's not his. We have lost cloths, shoes, slippers, jackets to name a few. When I go to visit he has cloths on and do not know where they came from. It stresses me out so bad that I do not go visit as much.

It really doesn't matter. You could get him cords for his glasses to wear around his neck and there might be other devices with a reel you could pin to his pocket. The other stuff, so what. We tend to think of such matters from our pown perspective of normalcy, but their lives are a new normal and this is what it looks like.

When I would visit my grandma in the nursing home I would really suck up to her caretakers hoping they would be nice to her in my absence. Most are underpaid, overworked and understaffed. Of course, that is no reason to take patients' stuff. My grandma's roommate would steal her stuff. My sister would occupy the roommate while I would go through her stuff and take back Grandma's items. It bothered my grandma and it made for some fun visits. You get to know which patients have sticky fingers. In retrospect the most important thing is patient satisfaction and the level of care. It sounds like your husband is lucky in both respects. I live in the south and after visiting nursing homes my sister and I would consistently leave in tears. In Texas the facilities are so much better. It's strange to me that caretakers, teachers and policemen often work for low wages. Shouldn't our society value their services? It's hard to stay motivated when you can't pay your bills. My best friend owned nursing homes and always ran into that problem.

MsMadge - funny! My Mom is also a double D, but has always worn underwires. And, yes, her bras are expensive! And yup - the one she ended up with had holes in the lace/cups and only the one hook in the middle was useable, while the other two were bent and twisted... Not real comfortable having that one digging in? Lately, it's costing the facility money, because they've lost/ruined so many things I'm now replacing them and presenting the receipt/bill to the facility. So far, they've paid for 4 bras (at about $30/each, which was lucky because I found them on sale!), 6 pairs of "jeans" and denim leggings - $180 - they were lost and/or torn up; a pair of elevating legrests (her feet were very damaged by the first "skilled nursing" facility she was in, and actually had a 5 1/2 hour bypass below her right knee to establish circulation so she would heal... Her legs have to be elevated to avoid swelling and damage... The CNA staff didn't know how to take the rests on and off, and just "strong-armed" and broke them... $ on that? Expensive chair ($750) equals expensive replacement parts ($245 for legrests); They now have the receipt/"bill" for a pair of heavy flannel PJ's I'd bought her for her birthday... They're "Lanz of Salzburg" and $60/pair. They bleached them (and someone else had to wear them in the 2 weeks they were missing?) to the point that the vibrant red stripes and little flowers in between the stripes were a pale orange and the flannel was so rotten from bleach the bottoms literally tore and shredded... Earlier on, I didn't make them replace the really nice jacket that just "disappeared" or the red sweater they spilled bleach on so it now has bit orange splotches... Sheesh! Everything is marked with her name, but there are about 60 people and they just randomly gather clothing from everyone as it becomes dirty/soiled or just deemed needing washing and throw them all into the big commercial washer together. Then the (mostly Hispanic, and with limited English) laundry ladies have to individually decipher names on each piece of clothing to sort and deliver to the correct resident(s). Not very efficient?! Because of the English issue, it's also hard to communicate with the laundry staff if there is a problem...

Have you tried Sloggis, MsMadge? They're supposed to be reasonably robust, and they do do styles with normal (as opposed to all-in-one) fastening.

Mom wears very expensive bras which I order online - she doesn't like under wires and is a double d
I try to hand wash them myself but the facility must throw them in with colored clothes as now they're gray and the eye hooks are bent - grrr

I'm sorry, but why the heck is laundry/clothing such a huge issue everywhere?! Hasn't anyone figured out how to read name labels, hang clothing (preferable one piece on a hanger, because if six pieces of clothing are layered, they never leave the hanger!) and please don't ball it up and stuff it up on the shelf above the closet bar with her PJ's? No, I don't like to see my Mom dressed in someone elses' purple 3X sweatshirt (she's now 4' 10" and about 125) with the grease stains on the front - but now that it somehow has her name in the label, I guess it's hers? Most of all, what about EVERYTHING having the heck bleached out of it? This is not a memory care unit - people are not routinely soiling themselves - so "sanitation" shouldn't be an excuse - that's what clothes detergent is for! They aren't supposed to bleach colored clothes, but they do, and then her clothing just shreds from being bleached rotten... I really resent it when I pick Mom up to take her to an appointment (usually docs), and she looks like a disheveled bag lady! One day at the doc's she had her arms crossed over her chest... When I asked her if she was OK, she was almost in tears (and my Mom just doesn't cry!) and said they couldn't find her bra (she had 4 good bras...) and that she was embarrassed because she's never been out of the house without a bra since she was a girl... (She's now 97!). This all may seem trivial to some in comparison with other issues, but it can really impact any sense of personal pride, dignity, or power when caregivers don't take the time or compassion to care just a bit! I raised the roof about the bra - that is a BIG thing to her! I'm so tired of this!