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My 91 year old mother, who lives with me and my husband, was in the hospital with heart failure and liver problems. She was “out of her mind” for about 2 weeks. She’s now in a nursing home for rehab to get her strength back so she can walk. Before the hospital stay she didn’t use any walking aides. Her mind is about 95% of what it had been but the nursing home wants me to sign papers that make me responsible for all of her expenses. I don’t want to do that. Insurance is paying for the first 20 days. I can use my mother’s money until it runs out but I won’t be personally responsible for her expenses. My husband and I are both in our 70’s and will need our money to take care of ourselves. Am I being selfish?

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No, you should not sign making you personally responsible. You could sign your mom's name by you as POA. Then you would be responsible to pay bills with mom's funds, not your own.

Are you her POA? If not whoever is should sign as POA. If there is no POA, you or nursing home could pursue emergency guardianship to access mom's funds for payment.
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No, don't sign anything that commits you to her expenses. You are not responsible for them. You are rsponsible for yourself just as she is responsible for herself. Agreeing to pay her medical bills could drive you into bankruptcy.
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PJsummer Jan 2021
Thank you for your advice. I did not sign. A red flag for me was that I was asked to sign when my mother was capable of doing it herself. They said it would be too traumatic for her. With my help, over the phone, she signed the papers yesterday.
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You are not being selfish one bit! Never sign Nursing home admission papers stating that you personally will be responsible for paying for someone else's care. Ever! Mom's money and insurance pays for her care, and once that runs out, Medicaid will take over. You tell the admissions person that mom can sign the paperwork. I would also advise considering strongly not to bring her back home with you if you feel her caregiving needs will be too much for you to handle even if the NH says she's ready to be released.
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PJsummer Jan 2021
Bringing her back home too soon is also a concern. Thank you for your advice.
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It might be wise to schedule an appointment with an elder law attorney who specializes in Medicaid planning so you know what your options are for her future care.
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PJsummer Jan 2021
I will definitely get an elder law attorney. Thank you.
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No way in hell sign something that would in any way make you financially responsible!
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PJsummer Jan 2021
Thank you. I did not sign the papers.
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You are absolutely NOT being selfish. Do not sign anything. You have to think about you and your husband’s financial future.
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No you are not being selfish. And what ever you do DO NOT sign saying you'll pay. You are not required to do so. I ran into the same problem when my mother in law needed to go to assisted living. Told them no that I wasn't signing anything that said I was responsible to pay her bills. Then walked her paperwork trough for SSI and she got approved. (In Florida). When it was time for her to be moved to a nursing home instead of assisted living she lost her SSI but didn't need it for the nursing home. They took all her money except for $30.00 a month which was used for hair cuts and her snuff. Everything else was covered.

A sweet story: We were blessed to get her into really nice places. The nursing home was a two minute drive from me and I was allowed to go visit her anytime I wanted, 24 hours a day. (Years before covid) I got a call one time if I would come help getting her to calm down. This was at ten at night. No problem. I got there and quietly walked down the hall and there was my mom in law blessing out a poor orderly. He didn't know I was watching. He was so sweet to her. I asked my mother in law what she was doing and she sad, "I have no idea." We all had a good laugh and she went to bed.
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We are not responsible for our parents debts. I will never sign papers to accept my moms nursing bills. We have ourselves to pay for if we live long enough to need care.
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I spent almost a million dollars of MY MOTHER’S MONEY on 5 1/2 years of exemplary care in the best local nursing home I could find and never regretted it for one second.

That said, when my father died intestate, I signed what was at the time, my rights to a third of his estate over to my mother (this is no longer law in my state as far as I know).

In retrospective I realized that my father would PROBABLY have preferred that his legacy be spent on my children’s education, but at the time besotted with grief, I did what I thought would be best for my mother.

STILL, no regrets.

ALL THAT BEHIND ME, I would NEVER have signed making myself responsible for her care.
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coppertino Jan 2021
You are a wonderful woman. I see I am not alone in how I took care of my mom. Almost same story!
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Do you have legal paperwork in order? For example, are you POA? It seems odd that they would ask you to pay if your mother has the means to pay. I would see a Medicaid attorney right away so you know what could happen when your mother's money runs out and she will need assistance to cover nursing home expenses. Notice I didn't say elder law attorney, but Medicaid attorney -- big difference.
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Do NOT sign those papers. All you need is a POA for her financial affairs. What the nursing home is concerned about is being "stuck" with her bills. Medicare only pays for the first 20 days.

Once her money "runs out," then you can apply for Medicaid.
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WolfeyKat62 Jan 2021
When my husband went to his SNF/Rehab after his foot surgery, I was told medicare paid for the first 100 days. Feb. 2020. Although he was already on medicaid. I'm sorry the facility is trying to scam you at a very stressful time. You are not responsible for your Mother's medical bills when she has health insurance. That place sounds shady.
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No not selfish.... Have a sit down with yourself and be thankful you are alive and well to assist mom in any way you can. Remember one day the shoe may be on the other foot and money will not matter!
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Island9445 Jan 2021
Wow what an insensitive remark. I'm sure that really made her feel better. This has nothing to do with loving or not loving your parents. No where does it mandate that the children, family members, etc. are responsible monetarily for their LO's. Lord knows we go through enough guilt as it is. I agree with others who stated to let insurance pay for the first 20 days then hire in-home care for the remainder.
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You are not being selfish. They are trying to con you.
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No, tell them Insurance will pay for 20 days then let your mother in law come back to live with you and let her Insurance pay for Home Therapy
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No, you are thinking correctly. I know in my experience, the nursing home tried to get my mom and I to sign financial responsibility papers for my uncle (my mom's brother) who was dying of cancer and was only there for 4 1/2 months. He was already on medical assistance so we saw that as a way for them to get more money and/or money up front without going through the hassle of the red tape. My mom already had full POA and while we oversaw my uncle's medical assistance and ensured bills were paid, etc., we did not sign to be financially responsible for any outstanding bills due.
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You are correct; your mother's finances should pay for her medical expenses - including rehab/residential home, The rehab/residential home wants a guarantee that they will be paid. Find a place that will help sign mom up for Medicaid if she needs it and will accept Medicaid payments.
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If it were me I would sign it as POA after your name....in large letters.   In other words you are signing for your mom, not as yourself.  Your mom, her assets and whatever insurance she has is responsible for her debts.
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The nursing care facility is using a strong arm which is not ethical or with moral compass. 1st off, if your mom has no assets or abilities to pay, you opt for Medicaid assistance for your mom. You are not responsible for your moms debts unless you have signed to do so. I suggest you research with a elder law attorney. Many will give a free initial consultation where you can ask the legalities of the proposed transaction the home is asking of you. But, I believe that your mind is correctly thinking and you should not be responsible for her expenses.
BEST of luck
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Thank you for asking this question. The answers were helpful to me as well.
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If mom has NOT been declared incompetent then she can legally sign her own paperwork.
But you do NOT have to sign saying you would be responsible for her expenses.
Cost of rehab and anything else is paid for by insurance then HER assets. If she has no assets then application for Medicaid would be in order.
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"A red flag for me was that I was asked to sign when my mother was capable of doing it herself. They said it would be too traumatic for her."

A few years ago I came up with a special term for situations like this: "BS in its purest form"! The people telling you this are worse than corrupt politicians, greedy funeral directors and shady used-car salesmen, and I wouldn't trust anything they tell you until you verify it independently.

It looks as if you have done the first step correctly by refusing to sign to assume financial responsibility out of your own funds. That's why Medicaid exists.
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Absolutely NOT. You are not responsible for paying anything out of your own pocket. They'll try to bully you but don't give in.
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No. Your mom should sign her own paperwork if she is mentally competent.

I am confused, when my dad went to rehab nothing was signed. Insurance cards were provided and that was all.

You can contact the ombudsman and ask for guidance if you feel like you are being pressured to do this or moms care will suffer. This information is readily available in the packet of documents that you are being asked to sign, if not, huge waving red flag.
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no , you are not being selfish, you will need that money so your family doesn’t have to take care of you.
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Nope. Don’t do it.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2021
You ALWAYS sign the 'POA' after your name on any document that's for the person you have POA for. Nursing homes are probably the most underhanded and criminal business in the world next to drug-dealing and pimping. You always have to be one step ahead of them or you'll get ripped off good.
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In response to numerous statements below , I sign everything, checks ,care plans etc with POA behind my name , first off , it shows it was for my mom, 2nd I am not responsible...

my husband’s family is pressuring us, my mother’s family pressuring me , to do financial things. Is not going to happen. My mom never worked , while her children were at school , my mom sat and played solitaire, watched soaps. She now has the dreaded hump back .... hmmmm wonder why.... but in any case , I started working as junior in high school, retired at 3 yrs ago at age 62 ... Regardless of what others think , I make those on the above criteria..

PROTECT yourself, don’t let anyone guilt or bully you .Do what you can, don’t do what will cause issues for you.
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Dear PJsummer,
The medical profession and Nursing Homes in particular are well known for trying to make Adult Children responsible for the cost of their parents, siblings and other family members. SAY NO!!!! Do not cave in. I write this reply from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ more than 4.5 yrs ago. MY DW and I took what we thought were all the right moves to protect our family from driving itself in to bankruptcy I was personally responsible when my oldest child was in Neonatal ICU the first five weeks of his life. My ex and I did not have health insurance at the time. We paid what we could, but in order to stay afloat, we had to go the Bankruptcy route, which you could find yoursel in taking on Mom's medical bills.
I suggest you reach out a Medicaid for guidance on how to move forward. The nursing home isn't likely going to help you with that. Perhaps I'm wrong. Protect your finances to take care of yourself, and do what you can for your mother. I wish you good luck in the future. DON"T PAY !!!!

God Bless you, prayers are going up. John
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If your mother is cognizant enough to sign the paperwork, she should sign it.

This way, if she dies you do not have to pay her bills.

Do not sign the paperwork.

Do not pay any of her bills, if she dies. You are not legally responsible to pay the bills of a dead person unless you are co-owner of a home or a credit card.

You are definitely not being selfish.
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Don't sign any paperwork assuming responsibility for her nursing home bills. Also, do not allow her to sign any paperwork at the nursing home other than admitting forms and forms giving permission for them to bill Medicare and her insurance. Do not give them her social security number either. Tell them they are to send you a monthly bill and you will pay it. Then pay it using a certified, cashier's check from the bank. Don't let them have her bank account numbers either. Please don't.
This is how nursing homes work and get away with it. If they have information like SS numbers and bank accounts numbers they will withdraw money from the account whether you like it or not. It happened to me when my father was in one and at the time they did it insurance was paying for everything. I went through hell and high water to get that money back. Then I had to make all new bank accounts so the nursing home didn't have the banking information. The nursing home was only paid what they were owed and not a penny more. Also, don't take their word for it about when the insurance expires and stops paying. They will lie about that too in order to collect double and get away with it. They did it to us. You check with Medicare and insurance about when they will stop paying. They also bill a month in advance a bed and services that haven't even been given yet.
They will tell you and your mom that she owns money in arrears. She doesn't. They want payment a month in advance. So, if she comes home on say the first of a month, she's paying $10,000 to $15,000 a month extra because they bill ahead.
Absolutely refuse to give them any of this information on your mom. They will not throw her out because you insist on a written, itemized bill for her care once a month. Good luck.
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NO, you're not selfish. It's your intuition telling you something is wrong. This allows the nursing home to hold you responsible for whatever fees they deem exceeds your mother's ability to cover. And they WILL bloat and create expenses as they did with my mother. DO NOT SIGN! However, if you are well to do and can pay through the nose, they will take better care of your mother.
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