Am I being selfish for not wanting to help anymore?

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Well I live 2,000 miles away from my entire family. I recently married the love of my life and we are living with his mother. The past year I've turned into her slave. She's 61 but she's not well. Shortest explanation is that she's been smoking for 45 years. She can walk, eat, bath, drive etc...but somehow I've turned into her maid and servant for everything. Im exhausted because I also work full time. If I forget something at the store she'll hold it against me for weeks. She hardly looks at me or talks to me. She's very moody. Anyways I mentioned last week that we wanted our own place (as newlyweds) and she started crying, faked a stroke for about 20 minutes, called me a liar, said she couldn't trust us anymore. Guilted her son into believing she could die anyday. Basically she thinks she is going to live with us forever and quote "help raise your children" she believes if we move out I am taking her son away.I feel such a burden on my shoulders. I don't know what to do because financially she would struggle without us.

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Sorry typo studio apartment with a seperate *entance
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Thank you everyone for your advice! I talked with my husband about everything and he's in favor for what's best for us. We actually contacted a house for rent. It would be perfect! It has a small studio apartment in the backyard with it's own interest. We will be living in the main house with our own space and she'll be in the mother in-law suite with very set boundaries! This will work for now. When her health declines more we will look into assisted living. I think the best advice from ya'll is setting boundaries. For our marriages sake we need to be in control of the situation. Not her. we've let her run the show too long!
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Yeah, that clarifies it some...there is some chance she is very depressed and could benefit from evaluation and treatment. Constant negativism and fault finding can be pretty poisonous and really, can't be intimately lived with without it affecting you and hubby, so I sure hope there is some intervention possible. I know I could not have kept my sunshine on for my mom who was like that if I had been with her 24-7. If she is cognitively OK, more or less, there should be. Limits can be set - her immune system won't crumble if she hears she can't be verbally abusive and won't be listened to or tended in ways she does not absolutely need when she is.

Lots of people go out with N-95 masks on, at least when its not flu season, unless they are actually neutropenic - what do her doctors actually advise regarding her being a shut-in versus able to get out a little for anything? Is there anything else she could be doing she might enjoy (bearing in mind that a really severely anxious or depressed person will tend to refuse everything, just because there is not enough pleasure in anything to make effort or overcoming obstacles seem remotely worthwhile.)
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And one more piece of advice: Do something about this soon. I've been dealing with issues -- grudges, accusations, delusions -- from my chain-smoking mom for more than a dozen years. I'm worn out from it and at the point where I want nothing to do with her. Move swiftly. Think of it like ripping off a bandaid. It'll hurt like crazy for a second but it'll be better than peeling it off slowly and prolonging the pain. The longer this drags out the more she'll feel in control of the situation and it's not going to get prettier.
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If MIL is being mean she might view you as a threat to her relationship with her son. Ideally it'd be best to get her into AL or something comparable. Check with area social service agencies and see if they have help or if there's some way to get a nurse in to check on her. Sure you want to help her and take care of her but you can't let yourself get picked apart over every little thing. She might be lashing out because she's angry about feeling helpless but that doesn't give her the right to hold a grudge about something you didn't get for her at the store. That almost sounds like mental illness. Normally someone would let it go and say, "okay, next time ..." and not fume over some trivial thing.
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Wow, I. Assume you are in your 40s or late 30s, I cannot imagine marrying into this without discussion and resolution. Whatever you do, do not consider children until you resolve this matter. In my opinion you need to move out and hubby needs to show he can have boundaries with mom. Else you need to move on.
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Well you didnt say in your main post she was this ill so that changes alot maybe she needs to be in AL and near you so you can make sure shes alright and has what she needs? The fact she is being nasty to you is just not on either move beside her OR look into an AL for everyones best interests seems like she does need alot of help if she has oxigen and wont go out?
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He wasn't already living with her. We lived in Portland on our own for 3 years. I posted the story in a previous comment. I understand 61 is young but she is on oxygen and has no immune system left. She never leaves the house in fear of catching a cold or the flu. Physically I don't think anyone would hire her. Smoking has added about 15 years to her health and appearance.
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I was just thinking the same thing as ba8alou posted above. Curious if your hubby was already living with his Mom when the two of you got married... and what did he tell you about that arrangement? Temporary or forever?

Good heavens, your MIL is still quite young at 61, and quite able to care for herself. She is still capable of working part-time. Lot of seniors a decade older than her are still in the work force. She needs to put her big girl pants on and fend for herself. She need stop being the master of excuses.

Since she said she can no longer trust you or your husband, right there is the key to open her front door and leave.
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It's up to your husband to control his mom. In no uncertain terms, he needs to set boundaries or else. Today. HE needs to realize, YOU need to realize, and most important? Your mother-in-law needs to realize -- that she should be kissing the little feet you run around on for helping her and putting your own life on hold. Hubby should be communicating that loud and clear to his mother.

Should be kind of interesting, actually. How he sets boundaries with a mom he loves is probably pretty close to how he'll set them with his children. And the comparison is more accurate than you might think. ;)

She's a brat.
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