Well, I find it is extremely common for one child to do ALL of the caregiving and then some! I was the ‘one’ in my family. There were times that I thought that I would lose my mind. It was the hardest job I ever had. Everyone has their own unique set of circumstances.
Every now and then I hear about sibs sharing the responsibility, but it is certainly rare. It’s wonderful if it is possible to share the caregiving. Better still, if none of the children are saddled with the responsibility, it’s even better! After caregiving myself, I will never expect my children to care for me. It’s too much!
Usually, the sibs that don’t do the ‘hands on’ caregiving are critical of the ones who do. Many times this is due to parents stirring the pot.
Family dynamics change over the years when caregiving is needed for a parent. No one is prepared for the responsibility of caregiving or the emotions attached to it.
Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life. Take care.
A lot of posters explain they had no choice but to move a parent in with them, or move interstate into their parent's home. Put their job on hold, retire early, leave their own spouse, all sorts of sacrifices. I believe these people DO feel like there was no other choice - no other choice that fit their values. Maybe if they had different values, they may have felt other choices? Sometimes looking through those value glasses it is hard to fathom siblings responses.
Even in the same family, values will differ from person to person. Just as making decisions will differ - some from the heart - some from the head.
I have been on both sides of this now.
I have asked a sibling for ongoing help (no), to be a backup (no), to help in one-off last minute problem (no again).
The other side was when SIL voltuneered as the ONE (short term) caregiver. She said yes for herself but actually thought everyone should help so attempted to roster everyone's time as in her eyes that was *fair*. She wanted to decide who, when & where everyone helped out. It was a lesson.. she was actually very good at being a Manager of the care, rather than a worker. Thing is, she was not the Manager of the clan & needed this pointed out. So what looked like a selfless thing to do - to offer herself as the one caregiver, when scrutinised, was her need to be thought of as The Best Helper. (People pleaser tendencies).
I'm not saying it was a bad thing she offered! But it was a big learning experience on boundaries. We all can only offer what we can do ourselves. We can't make others help. If we start to feel resentment, then we are giving too much. We will have to reassess & take action towards making changes that reduce the load & resentment.
So what you're saying is that I have no values? How would you know what has gone on with my siblings? They're the ones with no values and only interested in what money they'll be getting after our father passes. I was the one with no choice as my father didn't want move in with them and they didn't want him. So who has no values,?? THEY don't want him in care as they'll miss out on the money it costs to put him there, and besides he's not quite bad enough medically anyway to go into care. He's memory is pretty bad but not bad enough. He has selective hearing. He's argumentative and narcissistic. Just like my sister in fact. He's a pain the ass if you want to know the truth. And since I'm not POA, I'm pretty well f****
Hard decisions about elder care are not the right of siblings who are not taking into account the fact that THEIR DECISIONS NEED TO INCLUDE ALL OF THE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, and NOT just the sibling whom THEY have decided is going to be the caregiver.
Nazdrovia, you’ve been HAD.
Where were YOU and YOUR HUSBAND when Sister and Brother made THEIR DECISIONS.
Consider-- the “Bottom Line” is NOT what THEY WANT (to dump caregiving responsibilities on you and your husband). The BOTTOM LINE Is to establish the safest and most loving AND MOST FAIRLY DISTRIBUTED NEED FOR CARE for ALL FAMILY MEMBERS INVOLVED, then provide that care in the best way possible.
Determine your LEGAL obligations through a consultation with a competent family care lawyer, then provide Brother and Sister with the information you’ve found out.
Don’t expect that they’ll be happy with the power you seek to take on, but guess what? You and your husband are EQUALLY ENTITLED to have an informed opinion about care giving responsibilities.
Educate yourself. Unless your mother or father can be established as competent to manage their own affairs, THEY HAVE NO SAY in where that care SHOULD be provided.
Good Luck With This. It was the HARDEST thing about getting the care my LO needed, but everything has worked out for the best. The battle didn’t cost me anything, but if I hadn’t fought the battle, I would have lost the chance to provide the care my LO deservedAND MY SELF RESPECT.
I don't know your sibs of course but I know some people are so practical it is brutal (or could look selfish). They say "I can't do that". And they just don't.
You've had your father living with you for almost 6 months now?
From earlier posts: " My father will not go into care. He refuses to. My brother feels bad and is very sympathetic to our plight as he's said that we were left with no choice but to take my father in."
and
"My sister let me know yesterday that she didn't want him going into care because all they do us rip you off. So what that tells me is. She only cares about what money she'll be getting when he dies and that she doesn't care that we have to put up with him."
Why did you have "no choice" but to take your father in? Why did your brother and sister have a choice to not move him in, but you didn't? They did not want to take care of him, and there is nothing wrong with that. YOU don't have to take care of him, either. Were you bullied into doing it?
What is his financial situation? Whether or not your father wants to go into a facility, it's not his choice what YOU do (or don't do). Does he have a POA/healthcare POA?
Instead of trying to change others, you need to change yourself and stand up for yourself and your H. You do not have to live the life you are living now.
What exactly is it that you want your brother and sister to do (or not do)?
I've encountered aggressive answers but your approach seems to win hands down. First of all. I don't EXPECT my siblings to do anything. What I do expect is not to be made to feel bad by my sister who is doing sweet bugger all except burdening me with her bloody problems and narcissism every time she calls. She has absolutely no responsibility at all. It was all my fault apparently that her husband didn't treat her like a queen on Mother's Day and that my brother rang me and not her because no one can get her on the phone anyway. So before you attack me on my previous posts and "quote "me, kindly re evaluate your approach to people's plights. Unless you're one of these die hard caregivers who've had a hard hard innings and anyone else's situation pales in comparison. Thank you CTNN55
Every now and then I hear about sibs sharing the responsibility, but it is certainly rare. It’s wonderful if it is possible to share the caregiving. Better still, if none of the children are saddled with the responsibility, it’s even better! After caregiving myself, I will never expect my children to care for me. It’s too much!
Usually, the sibs that don’t do the ‘hands on’ caregiving are critical of the ones who do. Many times this is due to parents stirring the pot.
Family dynamics change over the years when caregiving is needed for a parent. No one is prepared for the responsibility of caregiving or the emotions attached to it.
Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life. Take care.
Even in the same family, values will differ from person to person. Just as making decisions will differ - some from the heart - some from the head.
I have been on both sides of this now.
I have asked a sibling for ongoing help (no), to be a backup (no), to help in one-off last minute problem (no again).
The other side was when SIL voltuneered as the ONE (short term) caregiver. She said yes for herself but actually thought everyone should help so attempted to roster everyone's time as in her eyes that was *fair*. She wanted to decide who, when & where everyone helped out. It was a lesson.. she was actually very good at being a Manager of the care, rather than a worker. Thing is, she was not the Manager of the clan & needed this pointed out. So what looked like a selfless thing to do - to offer herself as the one caregiver, when scrutinised, was her need to be thought of as The Best Helper. (People pleaser tendencies).
I'm not saying it was a bad thing she offered! But it was a big learning experience on boundaries. We all can only offer what we can do ourselves. We can't make others help. If we start to feel resentment, then we are giving too much. We will have to reassess & take action towards making changes that reduce the load & resentment.
How would you know what has gone on with my siblings? They're the ones with no values and only interested in what money they'll be getting after our father passes. I was the one with no choice as my father didn't want move in with them and they didn't want him. So who has no values,??
THEY don't want him in care as they'll miss out on the money it costs to put him there, and besides he's not quite bad enough medically anyway to go into care.
He's memory is pretty bad but not bad enough. He has selective hearing. He's argumentative and narcissistic. Just like my sister in fact. He's a pain the ass if you want to know the truth. And since I'm not POA, I'm pretty well f****
Hard decisions about elder care are not the right of siblings who are not taking into account the fact that THEIR DECISIONS NEED TO INCLUDE ALL OF THE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, and NOT just the sibling whom THEY have decided is going to be the caregiver.
Nazdrovia, you’ve been HAD.
Where were YOU and YOUR HUSBAND when Sister and Brother made THEIR DECISIONS.
Consider-- the “Bottom Line” is NOT what THEY WANT (to dump caregiving responsibilities on you and your husband). The BOTTOM LINE Is to establish the safest and most loving AND MOST FAIRLY DISTRIBUTED NEED FOR CARE for ALL FAMILY MEMBERS INVOLVED, then provide that care in the best way possible.
Determine your LEGAL obligations through a consultation with a competent family care lawyer, then provide Brother and Sister with the information you’ve found out.
Don’t expect that they’ll be happy with the power you seek to take on, but guess what? You and your husband are EQUALLY ENTITLED to have an informed opinion about care giving responsibilities.
Educate yourself. Unless your mother or father can be established as competent to manage their own affairs, THEY HAVE NO SAY in where that care SHOULD be provided.
Good Luck With This. It was the HARDEST thing about getting the care my LO needed, but everything has worked out for the best. The battle didn’t cost me anything, but if I hadn’t fought the battle, I would have lost the chance to provide the care my LO deservedAND MY SELF RESPECT.
From earlier posts: " My father will not go into care. He refuses to. My brother feels bad and is very sympathetic to our plight as he's said that we were left with no choice but to take my father in."
and
"My sister let me know yesterday that she didn't want him going into care because all they do us rip you off. So what that tells me is. She only cares about what money she'll be getting when he dies and that she doesn't care that we have to put up with him."
Why did you have "no choice" but to take your father in? Why did your brother and sister have a choice to not move him in, but you didn't? They did not want to take care of him, and there is nothing wrong with that. YOU don't have to take care of him, either. Were you bullied into doing it?
What is his financial situation? Whether or not your father wants to go into a facility, it's not his choice what YOU do (or don't do). Does he have a POA/healthcare POA?
Instead of trying to change others, you need to change yourself and stand up for yourself and your H. You do not have to live the life you are living now.
What exactly is it that you want your brother and sister to do (or not do)?
First of all.
I don't EXPECT my siblings to do anything. What I do expect is not to be made to feel bad by my sister who is doing sweet bugger all except burdening me with her bloody problems and narcissism every time she calls. She has absolutely no responsibility at all. It was all my fault apparently that her husband didn't treat her like a queen on Mother's Day and that my brother rang me and not her because no one can get her on the phone anyway.
So before you attack me on my previous posts and "quote "me, kindly re evaluate your approach to people's plights. Unless you're one of these die hard caregivers who've had a hard hard innings and anyone else's situation pales in comparison.
Thank you CTNN55