Am I being too needy?

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So in the last 6 months I have loss my mother in law. I loved her dearly and still do. But I also feel that if she was here she wouldn't want us all sitting around not moving on. My father in law has been having a hard time with it. (Which I totally understand) My husband is not doing very well with either. (I again totally understand) So when everything happen my FIL moved in with us. My bother in law has 2 kids and a wife. After 3 months of living with us our ac went out so we stayed with him for a month until it was fixed. When it came time for my husband and I to move home my husband was hesitant. I told him that if he wanted to live with his dad that is fine but we needed to pick one place and stop being back and forth. So the consoler has told both my husband and FIL that we need to live separate. Well my husband and I went home. Now though when my FIL calls if he is mad my husband becomes mad. If my FIL calls my husband answers it and carries an hour long convo even if we were in the middle of a convo. If my FIL calls and says he heard a noise (no matter what time) my husband gets up and runs to his house. Before my MIL passed we similar issues with him doing the same thing if his mom called or asked something of him. But yet our own home, I cant get him to complete anything unless I nag for months and then start it on my own. I have asked him several times to pick a night for just him and I, some how something always happens with FIL. I have asked him to give us a weekend to do stuff around our house, again FIL ask and he runs. Im not trying to be insensitive I am just trying to understand when I get to have my husband back. When does our marriage become the priority? We have fought about this, we have yelled about this, we have talked about this, we have done everything I can think of. At the end of it he always tells me that he didn't know I felt that way and he is going to work on it. I need help. I am starting to shut down and become very mad at FIL. And I love my in laws. They have always been a great support for me.

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6 months isn't enough time for closure in the grieving process. Give it a year. Your husband feels guilt - we all do - and your FIL is lonely. You can help yourself out by helping your FIL figure out how to live his life without his spouse. That means finding interests/friends to keep him occupied. They will also look out for him. Then your husband can schedule time to give to his father and set expectations. I don't think you need a counselor, just some patience and the realization of how hard it is to lose your life partner and probably your best friend.
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You are a very understanding spouse, it's human nature to feel that way. But I think its a sad time when one has to make a choice which love one to take care of especially when still grieving. I always believed that taking care of aging parents is a family affair. Planned to envite all your brother or sister in law and discussed arrangements on on how to deal with your elderly FIL. Not only he is lonely and probably exhibiting dimentia symptoms, he probably does not need to be alone.This is the time family member should look after each other to prevent burnout and resentment. And if its your husband turn to take care of your FIL, I think if you have to deal with it together, your husband will love you more knowing you got his back and that you also care for your FIL. After all it takes a village! God Bless.
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You are definitely not too needy. I don't know about you, but sometimes when we sit down to talk about our problems with our spouse, we only end up expressing our frustrations and don't create an atmosphere of sharing for the other person. While your husband says he didn't know you felt that way, he may be so wrapped up in his grief that he really doesn't know how you're feeling. Does he feel safe to express his grief? I know you're trying to create it by spending time together, but maybe he's running away from it too. Counseling can help a great deal to learn how to most effectively communicate with each other.
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You are not too needy. You have to figure working other people into your equation. It will take few dollars. I would try to hire a handyman for must do projects. I found a wonderful woman to clean my home (after 5 not so great ones) My house being clean made me feel less pressure and freed me up to do the husband projects. Try to get father in law on a schedule. For example: see him every Tuesday and/or Thursday at the same time so he feels some sort of routine. When he calls odd times ask your husband /FIL if it can wait till the next visit or you go instead of husband. If he thinks you will come rather than his son maybe he won't ask as often. I asked a neighbor (not super close but kind) to check in on my MIL when she couldn't figure out the remote...she never had that problem again. The loving kindness between you and husband needs to be rekindled. Be happy he is a caregiver sooner or later it will be your turn to be cared for just not now. Good Luck
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The correct word was counselor. Your husband cannot continue this pattern of ruuning to his father at every "beck and call." Your marriage won't tolerate it.
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The consoler is a person who comforts.
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I agree you need to set boundries. Your husband is going to wear himself out. Maybe its time to look into a Senior living facility. My SILs Mother pays about $2000 a month. Meals are included. There r activities and bus trips. Also a bus is provided for shopping.
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Martinamarie, God love you. I can just about get me out of bed st 5am let alone bath and dress an adult at that time and then go to work.
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I can empathize and understand your concerns. You are not being needy. This is a difficult time for you, and everyone connected to your family in-laws, etc. The suggestions you have stated are very reasonable. You seem like a very loving wife and daughter in law. I am a nurse and have been caring for my parents for almost 20 years. My Mom had dementia and started needing help in 1999. They tried assisted living, but my Mom being the social butterfly and my Dad very isolative and seclusive, my Mom was unable to participate due to her inappropriate personality (result of dementia) my Dad became extremely depressed and wanted to leave assisted living after being there 2 months. They had sold their house after 40 years to move into assisted living. Well, as it happened, the lot next door to my house was for sale, my Dad bought the lot, and they built a house next to my husband , daughter and myself. I'm the youngest, the daughter. And the nurse. Perfect sense right? When my daughter got out of diapers, my mom needed them. For several years, I woke up at 5:00am, went to my parents, toileted, showered fed my mom and made it to work by 7:00 am. Got home around 7:00pm, went over, fed, changed, helped with daily activities. My Mom died,was released from her external body and Mind on 2/13/03. No service, cremated. I hardly mourned because I had been pre-grieving for many years. After my Mom died my Dad has become increasingly depressed, isolative. It's been 13 years of being witness to his sadness, and his wishes to join his beloved wife. He's 91 now. Naturally elderly become weaker, loose appetite become dehydrated....I could list hundred if not thousands of stages of aging process. I have been totally consumed with dealing with how to help him. I cry every day thinking this will be the day I find him dead. He has fallen a few times and have passed out this past year. I actually had our priest perform last rights in him 6 months ago. Next day he was watching TV and eating pizza. It is a roller coaster ride with emotions. My husband has been very supportive and has helped me significantly over the years. The dynamics of our relationship has changed, as every relationship does. I can tell you I have often become "paralyzed" in my home due to knowing any second I may be called over to help my dad. I am totally consumed by this. I do not often eat, do laundry, even shower because the grief is overwhelming. I'm sorry your going thru this. This forum is great to vent, and share experiences with others. I do not disagree with therapy if that is helpful, but taking care of aging parents, cannot be fully understood unless you go thru it. Please remember "no storm lasts forever" and we "0wn a soul, but borrow a body". We learn by our experiences, and failures. That helps us learn our lessons in life. Yes it is hard. Yes there is sadness. Yes this affects our mental, physical and social health. Although I am not suicidsl I often think my dad will out live me and my only way out is through my own demise. I'm 53. This has consumed about a third of my life. My daughter is 20 years old and off to college. There as of today no "empty nest phase" for my husband and I. My comfort is that I know in my heart, although SO hard, that maybe this id my life purpose. Maybe I can help others with my shared experiences. Hang in there. I hope you visit this forum regularly because it does help. We do the best we can. Best wishes
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Does your brother in law live close by? If so, you could try enlisting him, or see if you could get your husband to enlist him, in helping out one night a week, or every other week, or one weekend a month, so you and your husband could have together time. Just a thought. Sometimes it takes a whole family to care for an aged parent. Also, everyone's right about you taking charge of those things at home. Do them your way. Hire a handyman. Less to argue about and you might be surprised by how your husband reacts. You taking pressure off him is a kindness, and it also takes pressure off you. Sorry you're going through such a difficult time.
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