I am a widow. My husband passed away 7 years ago. For 5 years I took care of him. He was pallative care when he was diagnosed. It was awful, mentally, physically and financially. After he passed I became very ill. I already had a autoimmune disease at 11 years old and now another that is life threatening. It attacks the liver. A liver transplant is the only cure. Along comes my mom and she can't work anymore and retires. She needs to move in with me because she can't afford to live in her condo so I do most of everything to get it ready and sold while she is laying in bed not feeling well. She is a nurse and knows how to work the system. She was never an active person and slept all the time and also ate terribly. Now she is paying for all of that. She had asked me what I thought in the beginning - she brought it up . I told her that I took care of my husband for 5 years; finally got over the grief and had to sell my home. I moved into a lovely rental and loved my new life (short lived by 2 years) and now.....BOOM I have to take care of her financially and physically. Mind you I have a brother that tried for 2 months and refuses to do it anymore. He has a wife and I have no one but myself. I struggle to maintain a positive outlook and lifestyle but I make myself do it. Now I have a negative force who complains and moans and groans all day about how she feels. I don't think I can do this much longer. She moved in last year in February and has been in and out of the hospital 10 times since. She goes for everything. She loves being ill and having people feel sorry for her - her parents did this when they were children. Her sister, my aunt says this as well as her friends "know how she embellishes". Now I have a boyfriend and they are at odds because he like my friends and late husband see her minipulation. She actually said she cant' believe that I take and chose him over her. I told her "yes and I would any other many that I was in a relationship with because I have a life too". I don't think I can do this much longer. She was in the hospital again. She had the nerve to tell me how she took care of me when I was ill so I should be helping her. Ummm, I was 11 years old. That she'll never forget that I couldn't make the time to visit her this weekend. Everytime I called to check on her she was doing so much better and going home. Then calls later and says if they don't treat this or that I am not going home until the do. This happend 3 times before I finally picked her up Monday evening. She was in for a total of 3 days. I am exhausted and don't know if this can continue. Mentally she is not at a point to be put into a nursing home. She can't afford assisted living.

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STOP! You owe her nothing and neither does your boyfriend. Tell her she to find her own place and be out of your home within 60 days. That's plenty of time for her to find a place.
Helpful Answer (1)

No you are not selfish, but your mom sure is. I know that you must be kicking yourself for ever letting her move in with you in the first place. Just because mom can't afford to live on her own doesn't mean that she is now your responsibility, or your brothers. She's a grown woman, who needs to be figuring out her life on her own. She can always go on welfare and Medicaid if she has to. There are senior apartments for low income folks as well.
You have paid your dues while caring for your late husband, and now it's time for you to live and enjoy your life. You've earned that, and deserve that. And you certainly can't do that with your mom around and her negativity. It's time for her to go. Remember, we only get one go round in this life, and it's up to us to make the most of it. That is my hope and prayer for you, that you will have the courage to do just that.
Helpful Answer (4)
mkaverman Sep 2021
Thank you. It's very hard and I feel guilty all the time. She recently had a fall and I couldn't get her up. She and my boyfriend are really at odds now. She calls him names and is very degrading to him (sometimes he brings it on because he can't take it any more) but her name calling and childish behavoir is too much. The doctor's don't know why she continues to have problems. She is able to manipulate them as well by lying to them. She lied to me about my boyfriend and that someone heard the way he was talking to her and she would call the police the next time - really? When I repeatedly asked her 4 times what neighbor it was - she said "it doesn't matter others know how he has spoken to me before". She out right lied and could have ruined his life. She doesn't follow what the doctors tell her; lies to her physical therapist she fell one night and I couldn't get her up so off to the hospital this was a week before she was going to visit my brother. Because she fell he doesn't want her up there because of the stairs. She tells the physical therapist that she is in pain and can't walk much and they have her use her walker - she doesn't use it at home and doesn't bring it with her when she drives. I exploded last night and feel guilty but this is no way to live but somehow it's my fault for having my boyfriend and she feels sorry for me to put up with him (he does nothing but love me and is kind- he has a disability from a motorcycle accident but takes care of himself) she sees this as a weakness and that he is "handicapped" which he isn't and even told someone that on the phone in front of him. I just want to go back to my happy alone time in my apartment with my little dog. She continuously sleeps all day and eats all day - all the wrong food. She called my boyfriend a "rat and a snitch" and to go ahead and tell me that she bought sodas and food and put it in her room! I am done. I feel guilty but so angry at the same time!
What has convinced you that she’s your job?


What your brother does or doesn’t do, what your aunt does or doesn’t do, what YOUR MOTHER DOES OR DOESN’T DO, SHE IS NOT YOUR JOB.

If your mother couldn’t afford to live where she was living, it was ON HER to figure out how to find some place cheaper, or find Senior Assisted Housing or go on welfare.

It was NOT ON YOU. You made a huge mistake when you assumed responsibility for her, but you have to own the fact that you did make that mistake, AND CORRECT IT.

What happened to you when you were 11 years old has nothing to do with the fact that ONLY YOU can escape this by researching what’s available for her care, providing her with what you find on her behalf, THEN BACKING AWAY.

Please don’t let her take more of your life than she already has. If your gentleman friend is a kind and good man, you deserve the chance to be with him.

You HAVE choices, but that will not matter if YOU DON’T take advantage of them FOR YOURSELF.
Helpful Answer (2)

Your mother has a long history of manipulative behavior and now has only you in her sights. No, you can’t continue to do this, at least not at the loss of your well being. There’s nothing selfish about prioritizing your health and life. Call the Area Agency on Aging, ask that your mother and her housing needs be evaluated and what her choices would be. Don’t feel any need to defend yourself or justify your choices, she won’t get it anyway. Best wishes reclaiming your life
Helpful Answer (2)

If she is not able to live independently, then, sorry, she IS a the point of needing placement. Dependent on her assets the placement will be what it is. However, even knowing all the problems you have ongoing, and the burden having your Mother in your home would cause, you accepted her into your home. It will now be more than difficult to get her to leave your home; it is--for HER--her safest and best and most comfortable option, so why would she leave voluntarily? You say she loves being ill. So between your home and the hospital, she has it made.
She is not mentally or physically incompetent.
You have not sat her down and told her she cannot live with you anymore.
So what options are you considering? You have in your home a woman who has decades of life ahead of her; will those years, those decades be in your home?
You are going to have a hard time prying your mother out of this living with you. To be frank, you and your boyfriend may need to move out of your rental, and be certain not to take mother into your care again. She can then consider her options. Surely she will not likely afford where she is. She can make what arrangements she can afford, or she can apply for medicaid and have placement.
It is up to you. Only you know the options that are available to you for your own life. I wish you good luck making the hard choices ahead. Not everything can be happily or easily fixed.
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