I am 62 live in Missouri and just laid off from my job. Mom lives in Michigan and is mid stage of Alzheimers. I was considering moving to MI to take care of her, but asked my brother (lives close to mom) to get rid of her dog that she can no longer take care of. Dog has diarrehia most of the time due to what mom feeds him and he tracks poop in the house and in her bed, plus she lets him in and out every 5 mins, plus he pees in the house and mom doesn't care. Mom gets upset when you tell her not to feed this or that and that he doesn't need to go out, she says it is my dog I will do what I want. When it rains she has lets him pee in the garage because he doesn't like to get wet. Her dog is also toy aggressive and for me to move up to take care of her, I will be bringing my dog who is housebroken and sweet but will stand up for herself if she is being attack. I know it will be a matter of time before her little dog and my big dog end up in a fight over toys. Earlier this year, I brought my mother to MO to visit me with her dog but everytime my dog reached for her toys my mother's dog would run over and take it away. My dog did nothing until one time my mom's dog snapped and growled at my dog and my dog snapped back and bit my mom's dog ear. If it continued into a worse fight her dog would have come out on the losing end of the fight.
I don't know if I can do all that I am supposed to do and watch the dogs all the time too and worry when the next fight might happen and what do when it does. If her dog is badly hurt, I can't just hop in the car and rush to vet, can't leave my mom all lone. Now it is like a 30 min to hour process to get mom to leave the house for anything.
Too me this is just another layer of added stress of trying to take care of mom, her house and yard, plus her dog too? My brother is willing to have a contract drawn up and pay me, but I don't know if it is worth it just because of the added stress and really don't know if I can handle it.
When I mentioned to my brother about ridding of the dog he becomes belligerent and once told me that "he knows best what mom needs". Plus he told me that "he is sick and tired of me telling him what to do and diagnosing from down here". When I gave some suggestions of things that the caregiver that comes in a couple days of week could do with mom. My brother and I used to be close but I am seeing an ugly side of my brother that I never knew existed and this is crumbing our what I thought was a close brother and sister relationship. He has already said some things that I don't know if I can forgive him for and the sad part is I don't think he really cares or how I feel. I really don't think he has any respect for me because every time I mention something about mom he cuts me down and now there is no discussion it is his way or no way. Plus he manages all of mom affairs and finances. The last time I went up for 3 weeks to give him a break, I took mom grocery shopping and she spent $160 for 3 weeks for both us and my brother made a comment that was a way too much money to spend for groceries.
My brother stays with my mother every Friday, Sat and Sun day and rest of the week has different people to stay with mom, none are contracted and atty says we have to stop that. My brother lives close he can see his family whenever he wants, I would have to drive 650 miles to go and visit my family, which I can't afford to make that kind of trip very often. With the way my brother is now talking to me and the control he has I am thinking about not moving up. Am I a horrible person to reconsider not wanting to move and take care of mom until the time she has to go into a memory care center which could be years. I am afraid he will make my like a living hell and I will be miserable, I'll be homesick and worse I will end up hating my only brother.
My daughter has advised me not to move. She says I will end up being miserable and hating my brother and she is afraid he will screw me in pay or some other way. My daughter who has always looked up to her uncle now says she is shocked at some of things that he has said to me and how he has said them and she has lost a lot of respect for him.
Don't say call and have a reasonable talk with him. I have tried that and it ends up with him saying nothing or he says this is the way it is take it or leave it or he won't call me back. I just need to know should I bury my resentment and move up and take care of mom or since he claims he know best of what mom needs let him continue taking care of her and be the martyr. Will this added stress and eat me up in the end and I end up in ill health. I do already have heart issues. I may so confused and riddle with guilt.
I would love some feed back and suggestions on how to handle this.