Am I a bad person for wanting my elderly parent to move out of our house?

If the problem is that you are not getting the help you expected, "This parent refuses to do anything to help out unless specifically asked," Why don't you make a list of tasks that you'd like him/her to do? Present the list. Discuss it. Ask if there is anything they do not feel competent to do. Ask if he/she has suggestions for additional chores.

Sometimes older people really WANT to be engaged in the chores of daily living but are afraid to overstep in someone else's home.

Its never a good idea in my opinion to move grandparents into the home when you are raising your kids. Sometimes I guess it works out but TV shows make it look like a good idea. Too often it simply is not. But she moved her away from home while she can still get around. Did she want to move closer? Did she leave close friends behind that are still somewhat active? Would she like to move back home? It sounds like she is able to take care of herself with personal needs. I can't say I blame her for not wanting to drive, indeed wish more elderly would make that decision. Talk to her about what she would like to do for a change. In the areas that I have lived and currently live, their are senior living efficiency apartments, very nice and well kept, and based on her income. Still close for visits, family care, appointments and eating out. She will have her privacy and your family as well. I helped my mother, NEVER learned to drive, sell her house and moved into one of these that even offered lunches for one dollar, no more than two. Had a court yard and was locked from the inside after around 9 p.m. It was a three hour drive to visit. I'd check into that arrangement either in your area or back home. She may be dealing with depression, anxiety issues. If you ask her about some changes she might want to make, she may even solve this issue for you.

Yes, I think you are not doing the right thing by being angry and trying to move the grandparents out.
First, you choose to move the parents with you to a new state in relocation. Not sure what the reason was-- ie. financial gain, babysitting or whatever. The grandparents did not ask you to move them in, sooooooo deal with it. In the end you will win.
Second, grandparents are getting older in age and should not have to take on the responsibility of helping with the household chores. They have worked all their lives for the rewards of doing nothing. This is your fault for wanting them to help! If they help, fine, if they don't still fine. I stay with my mother and I don't want her doing anything because she has taken care of me when no one else would; therefore, I don't and will not ask her to do anything; however, she still tries.
Third, the grandchildren probably love having their grandparents in the home if you have not put negative thought in their minds. Please don't do that. This you will pay for in the end. I promise you that!

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's just to help you see your way through. These are tough times that she are living in and helping your parents should not even be a thought. Remember, they helped you.

But as always seek the counsel of our Heavenly Father and He will lead you in the right direction.
Much peace to the family.

What is actually wrong? What is your parent not doing that is different from what you expected when you moved house and brought him/her to live with you with the intention of helping him/her?

This is also the elder parent's new home, correct? An entirely different way of life from what the person is used to, with new routines, new meal patterns, a complete change from living alone to living as part of a small community. There are regular patterns, daily tasks and chores, the everyday timetable, shared kitchen/bathroom/living facilities, and the presence of five other people in the house. That's quite demanding in terms of adjustment, especially for an older person whose self-confidence and abilities are perhaps not what they were.

It isn't working out as you had - I don't know if expected is the right word, because perhaps you and parent didn't have any clear expectations, so let's go for hoped; and you're finding yourself overburdened and frustrated.

So two questions.

1. Have you discussed the possible alternatives with the parent? - i.e. have things come to a head to that extent?
2. What happened that brought you to the forum now, to write this post?

And one note: in general, the consensus of the forum is that it's best for older people to stop driving *before* they have an accident. We wouldn't often encourage someone who's lost confidence in his/her ability to pull him/herself together and get back behind the wheel. Do you live in a very remote location with no access to public transport or taxi services?

Your own family needs your complete focus to properly raise 3 kids. Your parent requires a complete assessment of his or her abilities to determine the level of care. Contact his or her doctor and a social worker. It is a relief you do not have to worry your parent will not drive for safety reasons.

I am in the same boat! Please read my other posts. My mom is 76 (mild Alzheimer’s/dementia). She sits at the kitchen table all day every day even though she has a huge room with her old kitchen table in it. She just wants to be around us more often …..but it also drives us insane. My kids and husband spend less and less time downstairs.

Just like me ….I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. My mom also doesn’t lift a finger to help except she will put the dishes away in the mornings which I always thank her for. It’s hard and I feel your pain! My kids are older so it’s a little easier for me. I think you need to find AL for your parent.

You are not a bad person or an uninformed person; you are a good daughter/son who was trying to do the 'right thing' for your elderly parent by moving them into your home. You had no idea this parent wouldn't be lifting a finger to help out or to contribute a single thing to your household. Your parent doesn't sound like they're suffering from dementia but laziness and entitlement; the expectation that they are the royalty and you are the peasantry, frankly.

I would tell your parent that you made a mistake, in hindsight, and that the living arrangement is not working out for all involved, which is what's required when a housemate is taken in. It has nothing to do with love, either, and everything TO do with the need to take your home back and have more time to devote to your husband & children. My mother also decided she was 'afraid to drive' after my father became unable to, which forced a move to be closer to me and turned her into a totally dependent human being. That helps NOBODY, including her. What your elderly parent needs, in reality, is Assisted Living where they can BE totally dependent and where they don't need to drive; they pay for that privilege AND for the autonomy of having their own apartment w/o any cares or responsibilities in the world. Being a housemate is something else entirely; it DOES come with responsibilities your parent is unwilling to accept.

Others will come here and tell you how Horrible Assisted Living is, and how awful and ungrateful YOU are for even considering such an abomination for your elderly parent who gave you life & raised you. In reality, AL is a hotel for seniors where they get to play all day, socialize & have their meals served to them in style. Plus they get help from caregivers on an as-needed basis. Make no mistake; my folks have lived in AL since 2014 and have loved it. My uncle George is a multi-millionaire who lives in the same AL my folks lived in and he's 101 and can live anywhere on earth he'd like. So, anyone harping on that old violin hasn't a clue what they're even talking about!!

Help your parent find a new place to live where they can be happy and have others wait on them. Where they can get rides to appointments and their apartment cleaned, laundry done, meals served and not feel like they have to do anything at all in return.

You are entitled to live YOUR life and your parent is entitled to live theirs.

Wishing you the best of luck making this move happen sooner rather than later.

Simple answer. No

No, it's ok, and might be better for your family member to be somewhere else-a home with 3 growing kids can be a bit chaotic at times.
If this seems to be relatively new behavior for them, then do some due diligence as to the cause. Likely it isn't deliberate.
Assume, until you know more, that these behaviors may have an underlying cause and they can't help it.
It may be that some of what you're seeing is actually mild cognitive impairment or an early stage of dementia. A move to a new home can be tremendously disorienting for the elderly. If there's been a recent death of a loved one, depression might cause some apathy. I would get them to a PCP, explaining to the PCP your concerns. They can evaluate possible causes for these changes (low vitamin D or thyroid levels, depression, etc) and if those are ruled out set up a referral for a cognitive assessment with a geriatrician or neuropsychologist.

Here's a few links you might find helpful.

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

A lot of times with cognitive impairment there's anosognosia, or an inability to recognize there's some loss going on. As well, people have a tremendous neurological reserve and an ability to be socially appropriate, which helps them seem like they aren't experiencing much in the way of losses. It might look like to you that they're being 'lazy'. One of the early losses is memory--they can't retain new information. At all. So there's no learning of a new routine, or new route. The intuition to see things that 'need done' will be gone, as is the ability to initiate actions, or do complex multi-step tasks. The reluctance to drive should be a big clue. Be grateful they don't want to drive, and do not expect them to. It could be they don't feel like they can make the sequence of rapid decisions required to drive safely, r they could be concerned that they will get lost.
I would move ahead with looking around at assisted living places nearby, and if this does turn out to be an early stage of a dementia, keep in mind that an eventual move to memory care (MC) might not be off the table--in that case you would want to find an AL that also provides reputable MC. This forum and the Alzheimer's forum has great threads. https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=151

Stage 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIkTO4d8YyI
Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg
Moderate dementia changes, behaviors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
Moving to AL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22ZNZvN9UyY
Moving to AL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br5M3s7H7l4

No, you're definitely not a bad person, but maybe an uninformed person? Has your parent ever had a cognitive/memory exam? Knowing if they have the beginnings of dementia would be a better guide to your future decisions regarding her/his care. You don't give any details in your profile, but even if the parent is in their 60's could have early onset ALZ. Please take this parent in for an assessment (and accompany them during the appointment so you can be privy to the outcome). You don't want to move them into IL if they really need AL.

It is often the case that we are shocked by our parents' level of decline once we spend a lot more time with them. This is very common. Your parent makes excuses because they possibly sense something is wrong with them but are now unable to figure out what to do about it. Other medical issues could be creating the symptoms, like thyroid, COPD, cardiac, diabetes, UTI and these should all be discounted as well. I wish you success in figuring out what's going on and where to go with it!

Stop with the negative thinking--NO, you are not a BAD person for wanting to raise your family and put them first--and wanting, but not receiving any help from said parent.

I assume you did what so many of us do: See this 'problem' and then think 'easy peasy, we just move them in, they can be helpful and what a cozy multigenerational family we'll have!'

A few months in, the glow has dissipated and you're essentially raising 4 'kids' and it's not working and you feel guilt--which, BTW, is NOT necessary.

Time to be upfront with parent. Do some research on ALF or NHs, whatever level of care he may need first..then tell them as much of what you need them to know 'Dad, you're not helping us as we discussed. I'm stressed and tired. I need to have you in a safe place that can meet all your needs. We love you and want and need you to be safe and cared for. We can't do it.' Take time to tour these places and be firm throughout. He (or she, you don't say which) will balk and promise the sun, moon and stars that they'll change--but you know better than they do--will they change? Will they be able to make this work?

Probably not. Parent feels entitled to the care, and you aren't able to make that happen.

I wouldn't expect an aging parent to do much beyond being an adult in the home if you need to go out and need a babysitter--which they maybe do not want to do. But if you are doing 'all the things' AND you have 3 kids, you are running an ALF.

As far as the driving--well, I have come to love the Uber/Lyft businesses. I can see when I quit driving I will be a constant customer. Be glad you won't ever have to have that "you cannot drive any more' talk with parent. It's awful.

Basically, do what you have to do to care first for YOURSELF, then the kids, then parent.

Some families are able to make the generational-group living really work--some can't. So many personalities, etc.

Don't get pulled in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that can come with this.

You will find MANY here who have had really good intentions, then have had to change courses.

We were all new to a situation, then found it impossible to continue.

In my case, 6 weeks about did me in.

It’s okay to hit “pause”, and reassess.