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We moved my elderly parent in with us after relocating to a new state, thinking this was an ideal plan. It meant my parent wouldn’t have to be alone, and we could help out. Fast forward several months, and we are to the point that we want to help my parent find a new place. This parent refuses to do anything to help out unless specifically asked, and when confronted about the issues, excuses are made. I feel like I’m running an assisted living facility. We have 3 kids to take care of and their grandparent refuses to lift a finger. We provide all groceries and everything else, including driving to appointments. My elderly parent is afraid to drive despite never having an accident.

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You will find MANY here who have had really good intentions, then have had to change courses.

We were all new to a situation, then found it impossible to continue.

In my case, 6 weeks about did me in.

It’s okay to hit “pause”, and reassess.
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AnnReid Jan 2022
I did 9 months, and gained 60 pounds.

I loved her dearly, and considered her my best friend, but she no longer knew me.

She LOVED her residence, about 5 minutes from my home, and I visited everyday for 5 1/2 years, because I wanted to. She made friends, I made friends.
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Stop with the negative thinking--NO, you are not a BAD person for wanting to raise your family and put them first--and wanting, but not receiving any help from said parent.

I assume you did what so many of us do: See this 'problem' and then think 'easy peasy, we just move them in, they can be helpful and what a cozy multigenerational family we'll have!'

A few months in, the glow has dissipated and you're essentially raising 4 'kids' and it's not working and you feel guilt--which, BTW, is NOT necessary.

Time to be upfront with parent. Do some research on ALF or NHs, whatever level of care he may need first..then tell them as much of what you need them to know 'Dad, you're not helping us as we discussed. I'm stressed and tired. I need to have you in a safe place that can meet all your needs. We love you and want and need you to be safe and cared for. We can't do it.' Take time to tour these places and be firm throughout. He (or she, you don't say which) will balk and promise the sun, moon and stars that they'll change--but you know better than they do--will they change? Will they be able to make this work?

Probably not. Parent feels entitled to the care, and you aren't able to make that happen.

I wouldn't expect an aging parent to do much beyond being an adult in the home if you need to go out and need a babysitter--which they maybe do not want to do. But if you are doing 'all the things' AND you have 3 kids, you are running an ALF.

As far as the driving--well, I have come to love the Uber/Lyft businesses. I can see when I quit driving I will be a constant customer. Be glad you won't ever have to have that "you cannot drive any more' talk with parent. It's awful.

Basically, do what you have to do to care first for YOURSELF, then the kids, then parent.

Some families are able to make the generational-group living really work--some can't. So many personalities, etc.

Don't get pulled in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that can come with this.
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No, you're definitely not a bad person, but maybe an uninformed person? Has your parent ever had a cognitive/memory exam? Knowing if they have the beginnings of dementia would be a better guide to your future decisions regarding her/his care. You don't give any details in your profile, but even if the parent is in their 60's could have early onset ALZ. Please take this parent in for an assessment (and accompany them during the appointment so you can be privy to the outcome). You don't want to move them into IL if they really need AL.

It is often the case that we are shocked by our parents' level of decline once we spend a lot more time with them. This is very common. Your parent makes excuses because they possibly sense something is wrong with them but are now unable to figure out what to do about it. Other medical issues could be creating the symptoms, like thyroid, COPD, cardiac, diabetes, UTI and these should all be discounted as well. I wish you success in figuring out what's going on and where to go with it!
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No, it's ok, and might be better for your family member to be somewhere else-a home with 3 growing kids can be a bit chaotic at times.
If this seems to be relatively new behavior for them, then do some due diligence as to the cause. Likely it isn't deliberate.
Assume, until you know more, that these behaviors may have an underlying cause and they can't help it.
It may be that some of what you're seeing is actually mild cognitive impairment or an early stage of dementia. A move to a new home can be tremendously disorienting for the elderly. If there's been a recent death of a loved one, depression might cause some apathy. I would get them to a PCP, explaining to the PCP your concerns. They can evaluate possible causes for these changes (low vitamin D or thyroid levels, depression, etc) and if those are ruled out set up a referral for a cognitive assessment with a geriatrician or neuropsychologist.

Here's a few links you might find helpful.

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

A lot of times with cognitive impairment there's anosognosia, or an inability to recognize there's some loss going on. As well, people have a tremendous neurological reserve and an ability to be socially appropriate, which helps them seem like they aren't experiencing much in the way of losses. It might look like to you that they're being 'lazy'. One of the early losses is memory--they can't retain new information. At all. So there's no learning of a new routine, or new route. The intuition to see things that 'need done' will be gone, as is the ability to initiate actions, or do complex multi-step tasks. The reluctance to drive should be a big clue. Be grateful they don't want to drive, and do not expect them to. It could be they don't feel like they can make the sequence of rapid decisions required to drive safely, r they could be concerned that they will get lost.
I would move ahead with looking around at assisted living places nearby, and if this does turn out to be an early stage of a dementia, keep in mind that an eventual move to memory care (MC) might not be off the table--in that case you would want to find an AL that also provides reputable MC. This forum and the Alzheimer's forum has great threads. https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=151

Stage 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIkTO4d8YyI
Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg
Moderate dementia changes, behaviors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
Moving to AL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22ZNZvN9UyY
Moving to AL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br5M3s7H7l4
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cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2022
Thank you for taking the time to provide the links to information to help the OP begin to realize the steps she needs to take. Again, thank you. Liz
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Simple answer. No
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You are not a bad person or an uninformed person; you are a good daughter/son who was trying to do the 'right thing' for your elderly parent by moving them into your home. You had no idea this parent wouldn't be lifting a finger to help out or to contribute a single thing to your household. Your parent doesn't sound like they're suffering from dementia but laziness and entitlement; the expectation that they are the royalty and you are the peasantry, frankly.

I would tell your parent that you made a mistake, in hindsight, and that the living arrangement is not working out for all involved, which is what's required when a housemate is taken in. It has nothing to do with love, either, and everything TO do with the need to take your home back and have more time to devote to your husband & children. My mother also decided she was 'afraid to drive' after my father became unable to, which forced a move to be closer to me and turned her into a totally dependent human being. That helps NOBODY, including her. What your elderly parent needs, in reality, is Assisted Living where they can BE totally dependent and where they don't need to drive; they pay for that privilege AND for the autonomy of having their own apartment w/o any cares or responsibilities in the world. Being a housemate is something else entirely; it DOES come with responsibilities your parent is unwilling to accept.

Others will come here and tell you how Horrible Assisted Living is, and how awful and ungrateful YOU are for even considering such an abomination for your elderly parent who gave you life & raised you. In reality, AL is a hotel for seniors where they get to play all day, socialize & have their meals served to them in style. Plus they get help from caregivers on an as-needed basis. Make no mistake; my folks have lived in AL since 2014 and have loved it. My uncle George is a multi-millionaire who lives in the same AL my folks lived in and he's 101 and can live anywhere on earth he'd like. So, anyone harping on that old violin hasn't a clue what they're even talking about!!

Help your parent find a new place to live where they can be happy and have others wait on them. Where they can get rides to appointments and their apartment cleaned, laundry done, meals served and not feel like they have to do anything at all in return.

You are entitled to live YOUR life and your parent is entitled to live theirs.

Wishing you the best of luck making this move happen sooner rather than later.
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I am in the same boat! Please read my other posts. My mom is 76 (mild Alzheimer’s/dementia). She sits at the kitchen table all day every day even though she has a huge room with her old kitchen table in it. She just wants to be around us more often …..but it also drives us insane. My kids and husband spend less and less time downstairs.

Just like me ….I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. My mom also doesn’t lift a finger to help except she will put the dishes away in the mornings which I always thank her for. It’s hard and I feel your pain! My kids are older so it’s a little easier for me. I think you need to find AL for your parent.
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Your own family needs your complete focus to properly raise 3 kids. Your parent requires a complete assessment of his or her abilities to determine the level of care. Contact his or her doctor and a social worker. It is a relief you do not have to worry your parent will not drive for safety reasons.
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What is actually wrong? What is your parent not doing that is different from what you expected when you moved house and brought him/her to live with you with the intention of helping him/her?

This is also the elder parent's new home, correct? An entirely different way of life from what the person is used to, with new routines, new meal patterns, a complete change from living alone to living as part of a small community. There are regular patterns, daily tasks and chores, the everyday timetable, shared kitchen/bathroom/living facilities, and the presence of five other people in the house. That's quite demanding in terms of adjustment, especially for an older person whose self-confidence and abilities are perhaps not what they were.

It isn't working out as you had - I don't know if expected is the right word, because perhaps you and parent didn't have any clear expectations, so let's go for hoped; and you're finding yourself overburdened and frustrated.

So two questions.

1. Have you discussed the possible alternatives with the parent? - i.e. have things come to a head to that extent?
2. What happened that brought you to the forum now, to write this post?

And one note: in general, the consensus of the forum is that it's best for older people to stop driving *before* they have an accident. We wouldn't often encourage someone who's lost confidence in his/her ability to pull him/herself together and get back behind the wheel. Do you live in a very remote location with no access to public transport or taxi services?
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Yes, I think you are not doing the right thing by being angry and trying to move the grandparents out.
First, you choose to move the parents with you to a new state in relocation. Not sure what the reason was-- ie. financial gain, babysitting or whatever. The grandparents did not ask you to move them in, sooooooo deal with it. In the end you will win.
Second, grandparents are getting older in age and should not have to take on the responsibility of helping with the household chores. They have worked all their lives for the rewards of doing nothing. This is your fault for wanting them to help! If they help, fine, if they don't still fine. I stay with my mother and I don't want her doing anything because she has taken care of me when no one else would; therefore, I don't and will not ask her to do anything; however, she still tries.
Third, the grandchildren probably love having their grandparents in the home if you have not put negative thought in their minds. Please don't do that. This you will pay for in the end. I promise you that!

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's just to help you see your way through. These are tough times that she are living in and helping your parents should not even be a thought. Remember, they helped you.

But as always seek the counsel of our Heavenly Father and He will lead you in the right direction.
Much peace to the family.
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Ylrhea Jan 2022
you know sometimes we do things with good intentions and they just don’t work out. I’m a grandma and while I don’t live with my daughter I love helping her by taking out the dog, emptying the dishwasher or doing a load of clothes, or taking my grandson to the dentist or sports. She works hard and is my daughter. I would never move in and not lift a finger. That is selfish. You don’t know all the reasons she moved them in, kind of harsh to not have some compassion for her don’t you think? Since when is it all about one persons needs? Even Jesus went away to pray and get refreshed.
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Its never a good idea in my opinion to move grandparents into the home when you are raising your kids. Sometimes I guess it works out but TV shows make it look like a good idea. Too often it simply is not. But she moved her away from home while she can still get around. Did she want to move closer? Did she leave close friends behind that are still somewhat active? Would she like to move back home? It sounds like she is able to take care of herself with personal needs. I can't say I blame her for not wanting to drive, indeed wish more elderly would make that decision. Talk to her about what she would like to do for a change. In the areas that I have lived and currently live, their are senior living efficiency apartments, very nice and well kept, and based on her income. Still close for visits, family care, appointments and eating out. She will have her privacy and your family as well. I helped my mother, NEVER learned to drive, sell her house and moved into one of these that even offered lunches for one dollar, no more than two. Had a court yard and was locked from the inside after around 9 p.m. It was a three hour drive to visit. I'd check into that arrangement either in your area or back home. She may be dealing with depression, anxiety issues. If you ask her about some changes she might want to make, she may even solve this issue for you.
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If the problem is that you are not getting the help you expected, "This parent refuses to do anything to help out unless specifically asked," Why don't you make a list of tasks that you'd like him/her to do? Present the list. Discuss it. Ask if there is anything they do not feel competent to do. Ask if he/she has suggestions for additional chores.

Sometimes older people really WANT to be engaged in the chores of daily living but are afraid to overstep in someone else's home.
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I second the voices for an examination for early dementia. When my Mum was moving out of her house both my brother and I wanted her to live with us. She went to him first and complained she was locked up with nothing to do. So she came to me and complained about living in a mad house (Brother has no kids, I had 3 older ones) anyway the thing I noticed was that she did absolutely nothing while she was with me, we had said this was her home, permanently if she liked. This not doing anything was not my Mum, anytime she visited she’d always find something to do - she lived in the same area of the city as I did so she knew her way around. 3 years later the AZ doctor asked if she’d had a neurological baseline test done and wished she had so he could assist better.
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It was never a good idea to move your elderly parent into your home. If you were imagining that parent was going to be built-in extra help, that was unrealistic. Think of it more like taking in another child. As time goes by, your parent will need more help and be less able to pitch in to help.
If your current arrangement is not working, help find your parent an apartment or senior living facility. Do not base your decision on what other people think of you. If you make decisions for honest reasons, you will not feel the need to make excuses for them.
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More info is needed. How old is your parent and is she/he disabled in any way? Is this the natural/usual way your parent has been throughout his/her life? You can never change anyone's usual pattern -it's how they lived their lives until now.
Have a talk with your parent about what's expected, and if needed, write down your wishes and post them. Explain that you need help and are asking only for things he/she is capable of doing. Explain that if he/she were to move out, he/she would have to do all these things and more - unless they want to live in a nursing home.
It's always hard when dealing with our parents, and your family seems to have reached your saturation point. This seems to be a matter of your acceptance of things as they are - or repercussions unless they change. Establish a plan in your mind, then be willing to carry it out. I know whatever your decision you will do it in a loving, caring way.
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If you moved in an elderly parent thinking you were getting a nanny, you were mistaken. You may not have realized how much your parent had declined and what their day to day was like.

If your parent says they don't feel safe driving, listen to them. Why do they have to have an accident for your to understand that they have slowed down while everything else has sped up. You have made an error in judgement. Fix it by helping them find an assisted living facility or senior housing of some sort.

If you need help with the three kids, hire someone.
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Cashew Jan 2022
agreed!
it seems that many times people move in their parents to just be live in babysitters without acknowledging the needs of their parents.
Which often leads to elder abuse.
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Sorry to hear the bad news, sadly it only gets worse as in downhill. My dad doesnt lift a finger since last year. He has dementia and is now taking meds to slow it down. The cost to long term care is prohibitive, its better to compromise and move in w loved one that needs 247 care w occasional PSW help. This situation fell onto my lap. This is what life is for someone w. dementia and the caretaker. Good luck.
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You feel like you are running a assisted living Facility - You are . The elder parent may not be able to cognitively process help is Needed . Taking on a aging parent requires a lot of patience . They can't do a whole lot. have you asked them if they would go Like to Live independently in assisted living ? Your parent being afraid to drive speaks volumes . They are afraid of getting lost . Do you ask them to contribute financially ? have you Looked Into a day program ? maybe get a person to take them out or go shopping for you ? It is a lot of work and the elderly parent isn't being Lazy they are compromised . maybe its time to go visit some homes .
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Well did you move her in to help her or to help you? I'm a senior n I live with my daughter n her family. I help take care of my granddaughters but there are days we I don't feel like it but it's not my responsibility. They use my fiance which helps out. My daughter does not ask me to do maid service. She said Mom I appreciate all that you can do. Your mother is not going to always be around and that is when you will have your regrets. I think you want more from your mother then what she can give. I suggest you think hard of what you choose because your children are watching n listening n if you keep living your day will come. Sorry for being hard .
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Sweety,

Expecting a person to pull their own weight or contribute in some way when you let them move into your house is not an unreasonable expectation.
If the poster moved in her mom who was still indeoendent and capable then asking her to pull her own weight in the householdby helping out with childcare isn't asking all that much. If she's unable to, then contribute financially.
Bottom line. The poster and the elderly parent worked out an arrangement before anyone was moved in that would be beneficial to them both.
The poster lets the parent move into her family's home so she would not have to live alone. In exchange for giving the parent houseroom and room and board expects the parent to help out with the kids.
The elderly parent interprets the mutally beneficial arrangement to mean that they move into their adult kid's home and everyone in that home becomes a slave waiting on them hand and foot while they do and contribute absolutely nothing.
These kinds of arrangements made with an elderly person are never beneficial to both parties.
I hope the poster can find a new place for her parent to go to.
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You’ve found yourself in a common scenario, and now know it was a mistake. Start with a full medical evaluation including screening for dementia so you have a full picture of your parents abilities and needs. Figure out where the parent stands financially and what may be the best living options for him/her. None of this makes you a bad person, it makes you human with your own limitations. I hope you change the living arrangement sooner than later
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Riley2166 Jan 2022
I agree 100% - bravo. Rarely do things work when people take in elderly parents -it can destroy families. DO NOT DO IT.
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What you are seeing and dealing with is very typical. The biggest mistake is to take in old people in the first place. They often develop physical problems along with dementia and it can cause hell and horror for other family members. They have lived their lives and now it is your turn. The must be placed where they can be handled. Anyone who does not understand this or does not agree has a problem and perhaps does not mind being controlled by them and being a martyr. They can and will cause terrible problems for the families if it is not controlled at once. Please don't let this harm be done to you. That is why there are facilities for this purpose. YOU ARE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING AND I FULLY UNDERSTAND - YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. But you can't help them and it will get worse and worse and then what?
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Did you ask your parent if they wanted to uproot themself and move to a new state and in with you? Did they have a choice? There isn’t much info as to age, overall health and cognitive status so it’s hard to know how to best respond.
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I would be informing her that she has three months to get out. That is the only thing free loarders understand.
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RedVanAnnie Jan 2022
Consider that the parent may not be free loading at all but may have been asked to move in to "be able to help with the children" or the house. Not a viable plan.
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I’m startled by all these answers assuming that parent was virtually forced to move in because OP wanted a nanny. OP says “It meant my parent wouldn’t have to be alone, and we could help out”. What’s so hard to understand about that? What’s so unbelievable about “parent refuses to do anything to help out”? We have many many posters whose parent expects personal service, and they rarely get told they only wanted a nanny.

OP, I’m sure that you are concerned about privacy, but a fuller profile (and more information about what you would like P to do) is important if you want more helpful responses. Best wishes in sorting out a situation that has made life worse, not better. We all make mistakes!
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Sorta same boat. Mom moved in two and a half years ago, because the nursing home she was in was not the right place for her. She wants to die at home. She'll turn 100 this spring. Hospice now no longer wants to see her, because she'll live forever. While we're happy about that, my wife is very unhappy at not having her own home to herself and I. Mom is blind, mostly deaf, has some dementia, and very social, although her idea of conversation is mostly repeating what you say and giving unwanted advice. Keeping her busy takes up a lot of time. She spends hours on the phone every day, but as soon as she puts it down, she says she's lonely, and why does no one ever call? Not sure my marriage can survive this.
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Daughterof1930 Jan 2022
Please don’t be willing to sacrifice your marriage for your mother. A healthy, whole mother would never want that for you
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Your elderly parent needs to move into an independent senior community or an assisted living facility if they refuse or cannot do anything for themselves.
You have enough on your plate with three kids at home. You don't need to add an elderly person behaving like a toddler.
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Yes you are and you do not have to listen to the self proclaimed goddesses of the universe for the answer to this question. What do they know except pleasure and the pursuit of pleasure. You also do not want to be under the curse of karma which says...what goes around comes around. It would be better to find resources and other aids to help you with the situation. At Mothers age, she has paid her dues. Unknown illness, sadness over what once was or could have been...all take its toll on the elderly. This will help you prove to the world you are more than flesh and blood, but a real human being worthy of living!
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Ballardite Jan 2022
EXCUSE ME? How dare you! Judging much? WOW! Patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and grace!! I see from your profile you “only” care for a friend. This may be your opinion. BUT in my opinion, it isn’t helpful, nor does your negativity come from a place of wisdom! To me it’s just a NASTY temper tantrum displaying your limited experience and exposure to elderly care! Every situation is different, extremely stressful and so very encompassing! Please you tone down your unwanted sarcasm and judgment.
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Lolo2001: Imho, what oftentimes seems like "an ideal plan" is not, but it doesn't make you a bad person. Even though I had to move in with my late mother, I am not a big advocate of that. Certainly I understand that your elderly parent moved in with you as it seemed like a good or ideal plan AT THE TIME. As far as your elderly parent being the operator of a motor vehicle AND the fact that they are afraid to drive says it all. A nervous driver makes for a VERY poor driver as they are more likely to be fretting about having a possible event behind the wheel. Example: I have a 75 year old friend who possesses a DL, but has never driven as she is too afraid.
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Coppertino, I’m thinking of all our regular posters with years of caring experience, including cleaning up regular incontinence. They must be very slow learners do justify ‘what do they know except pleasure and the pursuit of pleasure’. Copraphilia is not all that common as a source of pleasure.

And ThomasY, your unsupportive posts make little sense eg ‘The Elephant in the room is still in hiding. But we know the reason why’. Oh really?
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ThomasY Jan 2022
Ish. How can I block you?
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My elderly parent lives with me too. I didn't realize it but like you I'm running an ALF. LOL. Well, it's not funny but here we are.

Depending on how your mom's cognitive abilities really are, that'll depend on what you can really expect. Sometimes what we think of as being difficult or stubborn really is MCI or dementia.

My mom makes excuses for EVERYTHING. It's annoying but it's the dementia talking.

If she is able to do things around the house, then you will have to specifically ask since she is not doing things unasked. You need to change your mindset a bit so your expectations are more in line with her reality. You could make a list of things you'd like her to do. We do communal laundry in my home so mom helps with that. She used to do it all and is now basically down to transferring clothes from washer to dryer then folding everything. I used to have her help cut stuff up but not so much anymore as it's too hard and she's too slow when I'm finally ready to make dinner I need it done now. I also don't trust her hygiene and she gets mad every time I ask her to wash her hands. So, that one's not worth it for me.

My mom walks down our short driveway to get the mail.

Can she do dusting? Sweeping? Dishes? If you get her to do a few simple tasks every day she will be helpful and will feel useful.

Things are never how we envision they will be.

Is she paying somehow to live there? You say you provide all groceries so hopefully she is doing something else to pitch in. Don't give her a free ride unless you're loaded. She should be paying something.

Do you go into her appointments with her? Are there any bus/taxi/uber services in your area? In our area, there's a city "bus" that you call and make an appointment the day before. They pick you and drop you off. Then you call when you're done and they come get you. Something like that could work.

If she has a car, sell it. If she's afraid then she should just be permanently done.

Does she play with the kids at all? How old are they? Maybe you can start fostering a better relationship between them? Set up something fun for her to do with them? Or if the ages and interests are too varied, do it on a one by one basis.

If you're really 100% done and don't want to try to better the situation, assess whether she fits in independent living or assisted living and find a place.
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