She has three able bodied sons close by, (my husband included) no daughters, and a mildly incapacitated husband. She is 86, her husband is 87. They do not have means generally nor to pay for care services, will NOT tolerate putting her into a nursing home under Medicaid under ANY circumstances, and so dad and sons elected for family care in the family home upon discharge from the hospital following a recent terminal diagnosis (Lung Cancer Stage 4) where no additional medical intervention was advised or could be tolerated they said; she was basically kicked out of the hospital as not deemed fatal within 6 days to qualify for inpatient hospice stay. Estimates of her mortality range from 1 week to 6 months. She is now covered under Medicare "level 1" Home Hospice (which means a nurse 2 x per week and an aide 3 x per week, both for an hour or less each visit ) for the time being, which still leaves a lot of care responsibilities to the family. A prior mild stroke 6 months ago and various other health issues have left her incontinent for some time even before this diagnosis. Recent additional issues (including partially collapsed lung, etc) have now also left her bed ridden with the incontinence. She is regularly needing a diaper change in bed for urine or feces as she is eating pretty well and otherwise doing pretty good at this time!
The boys are dividing 12-14 hours a day "on call" in the home to help their mom and dad. The 2 other daughters in law are also pitching in with diaper duty when visiting. I am not willing or comfortable with the diaper duty, have requested to help in ANY other way at the home ( shopping, cooking, serving, cleaning, etc) but am definitely feeling judged as unloving/uncaring because of my boundary regarding her most personal need. Am I wrong to resist diaper duty? Wrong to resent my husband for also expecting this help? Or is my husband/inlaw family wrong to expect it and equate this resistance with a lack of affection for her or them on my part? Please don't tell me " it gets easier".....I did it for my own own mother at her end of life, but this is not my mother and she has her own children.
