How do you get help for Alzheimer's person that refuses home care and moving?

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The 85 year old female ALZ person lives with her 90 year old husband of 65 years. They still live in their own home. She was diagnosed 3 years ago with early stage ALZ and has progressed to mid-stage. She is not eating well, gets no exercise, does very little if any bathing and does not believe there is anything wrong with her. She thinks everyone is out to get her. She asks the same questions over and over. She still knows her family members but not sure she knows everyone by name. It has been recommended by several doctors, social worker and their pastor that they receive home care or move to an assisted living home. Again she does not think there is anything wrong with her and she can take care of herself, the household and her husband. Both of them have vision issues. She has cataracts and refuses to have it corrected because again she sees just fine. She could potentially have another vision problem but she refused the test. She was a self medicator up until 3 weeks ago. She threw a fit about her pill bottles being taken away from her which was the second time. There have been several family meetings - some with siblings without parents, some with just the father and some that the father still thinks he can reason with his wife which ends up with her screaming and yelling at everyone. Her drivers license was taken away almost 2 years ago. That was a big fight also!! The family has shown several different facilities to the father but he refuses to make a decision. He wants to keep his wife in the home. Home care options have been discussed many times and attempted once with her screaming and yelling at the caregiver and was told to get the "H" out. She has told family members to get out many times - that they can take care of themselves. So, what do we do? How do we get a demented person out of their house when there is a questionably competent spouse there also??

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You should consider moving her to an Assisted Living Centre for proper care. I shifted my grandmother to Luvida Memory Care when she was in the early stages of Alzheimer's
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My husband is not the POA - his brother is. We have tried therapeutically fibbing about many things but she just will not budge. We had my SIL's friend (seriously) doing housework and taking FIL to store until she was fired by MIL. She does not do the things she says she does!! She is very very stubborn. The family is very frustrated and truly does not know what to do except wait for a crisis moment. A SIL visited an ALF today recommended by me that does have a memory care unit and I believe they are going to put in a deposit for when the emergency may develop. They are now setting up food delivery that other family members can order since FIL has vision issues and they are looking into an personal emergency response system for FIL. I have personally worked in home care for 12 years and an ALF for 3 years prior to that and I've never experienced someone as difficult as my MIL. As much as I wanted home care to work, I knew it wouldn't!
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Of course Mom doesn't need help. She has taken care of the household just fine for lo these many years, thank you!

But she deserves to retire and relax a little bit at this point in her life.

At least that is how I would approach it. At 85 she should not have to be scrubbing her own toilet and mopping floors. She deserves a little retirement. There is a great new community program to provide retirement benefits to housewives over 80. Isn't that great?

I'd get an appointment with Social Services or Human Services or whatever her county calls it, for an needs assessment interview. A family member should be there for it. My mother kept saying, "No I don't need help with that. My daughters do it." At which point a daughter would pipe up, "No, mother, when we come over we want a chance to beat you at cribbage, not scrub your floors!" The assessment workers are used to clients denying that they need help but someone there needs to tell the truth.

If MIL turns out to be eligible for some help through this "special community retirement program" start small. Having someone do a little housework is usually easier to accept that having several services all at once.

It is pretty near impossible to force help on someone who has not been declared incompetent in a court. So you have to be creative and a little tricky to try to get the necessary help in place.

The alternative is to wait for a crisis. When one of them is in a hospital there is more opportunity to intervene.
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Where's the editing function??? "If your HUSBAND and his brother...."
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Are you close family? If you're not, you're tilting at windmills. You can't reason with someone who has Alzheimer's Disease. Waste of breath to try. If close family isn't willing to bring the hammer down, which many aren't, leave the lady and her husband to their own devices.

Oh, I see, you're a daughter-in-law. If your son and his brother with the POA aren't ready to take definitive action, then just leave it alone. Sooner rather than later, they will both be overwhelmed.
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This is my in-laws. One of the sons has POA. We have told my FIL many times what has been recommended. We've told her but she forgets and doesn't think she has a problem. The home care person that came was very shocked about her behavior.
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do any of you have POA? Can you tell / remind them Dr / Pastor agrees it is time for a change? Most home care workers who deal with ALZ will be able to tolerate her behavior . Maybe try another talk with just hubs? How are you related to this situation?
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