Alzheimer's parent in a nursing home is overly sexual. Any advice?

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89 yr old father with ALZ and Dementia. he has always been hyper-sexual (even to his own children). Always considered himself a ladies' man, Casanova type person. He has only been in this nursing home for 3 months and already 4 reports of him entering other women's rooms and kissing them. One was asleep and woke up screaming, had to to go thru DON Dept of Nursing for that one. Other times the female patients seem to think he is the boyfriend and want to kiss and visit in their rooms. Nursing home policy is to notify the families of those involved. I am worried about the female patients' families a lot. But these calls are getting tiring and stressful. The last nursing home he was off the hook with demanding mouth kisses from every female he encountered, staff and visitors and other patients. At home between nursing home, I could barely keep home health care or family visitors due to his sexual behavior. No use talking to him, explaining he can't do that; he either has forgotten, doesn't care, thinks it is wonderful, defensive, blames someone else for wanting him so much they can't keep their hands off of him reasoning...anyone else encounter this from a parent? How do you cope? Any suggestions? He is wheelchair bound. I've even thought about asking if they could just remove his wheelchair once he is in bed for the night to keep him in his own room. I'm getting worried he will soon be kicked out of this nursing home for his lecherous behavior. I'm not dealing with him cornering me again with me taking care of him, always trying to get under my shirt or demanding mouth kisses or trying to coax me into his bed...shudder. This behavior is not new, we couldn't even have friends over while growing up because of his sexual nature. the behavior has just escalated to new heights with the ALZ. Any HELP out there?

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Take care of yourself, Kala, You've been through some awful stuff with your father, and now that he's in a nursing home it's time to look after your own health.
For everyone who's commented that they don't see the harm in elderly people flirting and kissing, or doing more than kissing, you're right, as long as it's mutual.
Of course older people have sexual feelings, and they should be allowed the privacy to act on those feelings, but what this man is doing is unacceptable. He's forcing himself on women who don't welcome the attention, one of whom was asleep at the time. It's not okay for someone to do that when they're thirty, and it's not okay when they're eighty-nine.
This isn't some nice old gent who likes to smooch the ladies with the ladies' enthusiastic permission, but a man who's made a lifetime habit of forcing himself on women.
Fortunately, the staff at the nursing home has been alerted to what's going on so they can keep an eye on him.
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Dear JFryHospice, at my age and health, I know I'll never be considering another job. You have given me excellent advice, something I may need in the future. I will continue to manage his affairs, be an adult about all of this, make sure I visit regularly, etc. I have had therapy in the past, and I suggest therapy for anyone who has those demons in their closets, no shame in it AMEN to that. Or therapy for those under so much stress during their care giving, so many of us let our own mental and physical health go to shreds because we are so focused on caring for others. After I had my father admitted to the NH, I ended up in the hospital for days due to a heart condition that I was ignoring. I just kept pushing myself by no sleep, and taking additional heart meds when I felt too sick to take one more step. Last June 2013 I was admitted for 8 days in the cardiac wing of the hospital for neglecting my heart problems, my heart beat had gone down so low I could not walk or focus and had to be hooked up to the defibrillator in the ER, I was down to 38 beats per minutes, skipping beats, heart was stopping but also suffering from bigeminey which is a double heart beat, my heart doesn't know whether to run a marathon or hibernate a lot due to electrical pulse, lol. . I have a history of electrical problems on the right side of my heart. Something I learned during my years of care giving....your parent WILL be okay if you don't visit every other day or that Sunday visit, the NH will keep them entertained and odds are your parent won't remember when you were there last anyway, I think the visits are more for our own conscience accountability. Try to schedule those visits during a weekday and make appointments with the Head Nurse, Social Director, be involved. But most of us are to the point where WE are beginning to need help at home or developing health problems or struggling with our own current health, we have to take care of ourselves as well. Easier said than done. I know. If I missed thanking anyone for their advice, I thank you now. So many of you have offered excellent insight and options that will help me now and in the future.
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KalaFW, I am soooo sorry that you are having to deal with your dad continuing to victimize people, including yourself! It was bad enough you had to put up with him throughout childhood on, but now to have to be responsible for him??!! I don't know about other states, but we do have one N.H. in AZ that is a locked facility for patients who have psychiatric issues in addition to dementia/Alz etc. You might want to explore this in the state where you live. If you have the funds, you might want to look at hiring a private Case Manager to help you with his current placement and/or future placements. Also, if it comes down to it, you might want to look at what it would take to have the State step in, e.g. Adult Protective Services, and to consider him to be "abandoned", where you are no longer willing to accept responsibility for him, including refusal to pick him up for discharge from the N.H., or hospital, etc. Be careful with this option as it could give you an Official State record of "Abandonment, etc.,(This could cause a problem down the road with employment if you were to ever seek work in in caring for others) But, in NO way do I think you should ever have to take this predator back into your home!! You have been his victim far too long, and you don't deserve it! He is beyond the normal sexualized behaviors of an Alz/dementia patient. If nothing else, it might help for you to see a counselor at this time just to get some support for yourself.
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A person would have to be acephalic to believe that inflatable dolls are anything approaching human. You can't fool an old hen with chaff!
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Thank you sodonewith, apparently this is nothing to do with meds and was an issue way back when. at this stage in life, not knowing if he had a partner or not, restraints are out, and some people just can not sleep alone, and just maybe a doll of such might keep him in his own bed. I did not see anywhere here that there was anymore than touchy feely going on with some kisses and for all I know the ladies might even enjoy being flirted with. I think I would... its not like anything could go on being in a wheel chair and all. I still believe that the NH has a handle on this behavior and would not let anyone be assaulted in such a way and again everyone there has an option to leave or move their parent if they don't like the way the facility handles the issue. Meds "salt peter" I believe it is more of a mind set than anything really, I have a situation of the same issue, 93 years old, believe me it don't stand up, but just the contact, catching a feel, eeewe, I know! but think about it, 30 years of widow not exactly out for dating and just so alone (not me, my neighbor LOL). Not much time left for him but, I don't know, is it wrong?... I hope when I get that old someone still flirts around with me... Thanks all, best of wishes Kala.......
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Dear Seenypa, I'm sorry to read about your dad and I sincerely pray that all goes well with him and the family. I think flirting is cute especially in the senior years, keeps them happy and smiling and giggling, gives them life, as long as that line isn't crossed.
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Dear SoDoneWithSal, I know, living to this age with black lung seems unreal; I don't believe there is anyone else he worked with who is living. He is one of the physically healthiest people I've met; never had blood pressure, cholesterol, heart, weight problems, could eat anything he wanted, etc. He only takes steroids for the black lung and that works really well for him. Really thinking hard about this, he very well could be bi-polar and never diagnosed properly; I lean more toward psychopathic because of his ability to disguise his behavior and turn it on or off in a split second. When you hear the phrase nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, his face comes to mind. I've also been thinking about the few conversations I have had with the NH Social Director, very bluntly discussing his sexual behavior with her; so they can't say they didn't know about it. I have Monday off work and plan to call early to see if I can get an appointment with the Dept of Nursing or Social Director, I doubt if the doctor would be available at such short notice. I'm going to ask for medical intervention and I'm going to ask for THEIR advice. I feel if I ask for their advice, follow that, then if something goes wrong, I can honestly say I was following the NH protocol. But if push comes to shove, I'll pay more to have him moved to a more secure wing. I simply can't have him back in his house where yet another young girl will live the rest of her life traumatized by his actions. I only recently found out my 37 yr old daughter was another victim of his sexual predatory nature; kept silent by his threats and was afraid to tell me. This explains a lot of her young teen years behavior when we could not figure out why she was acting out so badly. She only told me a few months ago, breaking down after I promised her that I would never bring him home again.
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My dad likes being kissed by women as well as the family women as a greeting. But now he has taken it to another level, he used to go to a social club for seniors, and after a while the ladies just lined up to be kissed by him. The men of course just ignored him , but he was a 'hit' amongst the single ladies, much to my embarrassment.
We have, after quite a search, found an ideal NH for him and we a bit worried that he might think its ok to do it there. He has early dementia, but steadily getting worse when left alone for short periods.
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Holy cow! He has black lung disease and is still so "lively" at almost 90. That's incredible. I would have thought he'd be barely alive, gasping for breath and on supplemental oxygen, but instead he's merrily going around groping women and flashing his willy. Un-bee-lieveable!

I feel angry at the way he treated you and your sister, and at his disdain for women in general. I know coal miners were a rough lot, but still, his behavior is off-the-charts misogynistic.

And the constant chattering and need to go, go, go all the time. Are you sure he isn't bipolar?

Finally, I'd say no, he doesn't deserve to be home. He deserves to be right where he is, hopefully with the staff keeping a close eye on him.
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Dear HadEnuf....no worries, I can't see me ever bringing him back home unless he is in late stage ALZ and home health care can take care of him and me just being there but NOT taking full care anymore. Unless the ALZ progresses to where he can't be a tyrant and predator, he'll never see his home again, it's not safe for him or others around him. Sad, but so true. And that's horrible coz that was his HOME and he deserves to be HOME, but it just won't work.
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