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After reading these articles I feel so much better. My husband, who is 79, talks about sex 24/7. He doesn't get an erection any more so he wants to have oral sex with me. I let him do it so he can shut up but sometimes he can't that we had sex. I would be very content not to have sex at all. The constant talking about sex drives me crazy. I often tell him that I am sore so I don't have to have sex. I tell him he has an addiction and needs help. Why does a 79 year old man who can't anything always want sex?
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Mrssmooth many women in their later years seem not particularly concerned with sex. It is probably a hormone thing after menopause. Men on the other hand seem to keep their sexual drives to a very advanced age.

Those who are not challenged by dementia are able to keep their urges within socially acceptable boundaries. This does not include those who leave their long time spouses and find a younger model.

As dementia advances social filters slip away and what is in the mind comes out unfiltered to the dismay of their caregivers. Not too much you can do about that except don't tie yourself in knots over it.

The woman throughout history has been the submissive one while the man has had the responsibility of feeding and protecting his family. Fathering a large number of children protected the man's future and his constant thoughts of sex do not diminish with age.

If you are with a husband affected with dementia it is a kindness to do what you can to satisfy his needs. I realize it is abhorrent with man who no longer maintains a high standard of hygiene. You are also exhausted and fearful of the future when your man passes. If you can't fulfill his needs, and there is no shame or guilt with that. You have feelings and you can't change that, you can help him out by requesting the many sexual aids that are on the market. If you can't bear to hand masturbate him there is actually a machine that will do it for you. You still may have to help him but it may be a small price to pay for a more content loved one. I see no wrong in providing sexually explicit videos if that is what it takes to make him fall asleep.

We all want the very thing that we can't have, that is just human nature.
Some people may be shocked or disgusted by this post and for that I am sorry. But I feel that this is a subject that should not be swept under the carpet
No one should put themselves in danger from a man loved or not who threatens or behaves aggressively. That is another subject and should be dealt with separately
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I agree that this has probably been an issue since the beginning of time. I imagine that there were probably Neanderthal men with dementia chasing their woman around the cave. At the heart of this is probably what that old popular book about Mars and Venus said - that men and women are just wired differently. My mother use to say two things regarding sex that have always stuck with me: "the brain is the largest sex organ" and "foreplay for woman starts with the breakfast dishes". When a man has advanced dementia neither of these sayings work - the brain is broken and him doing the dishes is pretty much out of the equation. So I understand why the prospect of intimacy is less than appealing. Regardless, I would hope that however the situation is handled that it is done with kindness and respect - trying to remember who this man use to be before this vile disease ravaged his brain.
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I understand, mine (92 and nothing works) was demanding sex for quite awhile and then thank God he seems to have forgotten about it. It was horrible trying to deal with it and I ended up crying to myself it was so bad. In the end I put my foot down and refused him and then he started to forget about it.
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Yep.....age old problem. sheilaallison.....how far along in dementia is he? Can the doctors suggest something? Can you tell him "ok, honey.....after I do the dishes" or "after I do this or that"? Would he be satisfied with that? Sometimes it's really not the urge but obsessing over something. My mom used to obsess over dark places. Would just keep on about how dark places were and how could people live in dark places? Over and Over again until you just wanted to scream. And tacy022.....sounds like FIL had a bigger problem than dementia and just wanting sex. I wouldn't have given him access to a computer or phone! I don't really have an answer but I heard something on a documentary that I just watched on Netflix.....they have had everything taken away from them in a flash. They have everything and every decision made for them. They have little or no control. What medicines to take and when, what food to eat, no choices. There was one man that kept trading his dessert at meal times with others. They finally got a straight answer from him in a clear moment and he said that that was one thing he could control.....or have a choice in, pudding or cake. If any of you have Netflix, watch Alive Inside. Hard to watch but worth it. About Music Therapy. Sorry, off sex topic but I wanted those of you who could to watch it. Good Luck and God Bless.
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mrssmooth: If he has a sex or porn addiction, he can get help with Reformers Unanimous, which is a bible-based addiction support group held at churches 'round the world on Friday nights.
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My Mom was always after my Dad about Sex and she would climb on him in the middle of the night and hurt his hip and leg trying to have sex. My Dad would try to explain to her that he couldn't do it anymore since he had prostate cancer but that didn't deter her. So one day he got smart and knowing that she forgets things so easily he told her one morning when she was urging him for sex, "well you have a short memory"!! She said, what do you mean? He said, well last night we had quite the love making session! She said, "We did"! He said yes!! She walked around for a week with the biggest smile on her face. It worked for my Dad, if your husband forgets everything within 5 minutes it might work for you too.
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mrssmooth, we are talking here about a man who has dementia. No Bible-based addiction support group is going to be of any help to him whatsoever. My husband, who is a retired Methodist pastor, has dementia. His brain has turned to mush. He still wants sex if I get too close to him. I tell him flat out that it's over, and to quit bugging me. What bothers me a great deal when he reaches for me is that he thinks of me now as his mother. Sorry, dementia or no dementia, I am not going to be a party to any little game, whether real or authentic.
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I didn't mean to post "real or authentic" since those words are synonymous. I meant to post "real or not real." I wish there were some way to delete a post and resubmit it when one makes a glaring error like that.
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willows, I understood your meaning. Although I don't have this challenge,
I sympathize with you. My parents have many personality changes due to
dementia and they are both getting worse.
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I feel for all of you. I am caring for my dad who is having sex needs. He keeps telling me he thinks it would be nice to have sex with me. I just tell him I am his daughter and that wouldnt be right. It sure does get uncomfortable though.
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My husband asked our daughter if he could kiss her on the lips. She responded, "No dad, you may not. You may kiss me on the cheek but not on the lips because I am your daughter." He accepted that and hasn't asked her since. Yes, things of a sexual nature can get pretty tense when one has dementia. They don't tell you about that in all those cutsie ads you see of two heads together looking off into a lovely sunset, as if dementia is some sort of cutsie illness that you will be able to cope with so long as you set your mind to it. BALONEY!
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Alzheimer's or dementia are not only ugly for the person suffering, they are ugly for the caregiver. Most of the time, my husband thinks I am his mom, and he wants to get familiar. I refuse to let this happen. I refuse to go along with him on this sordid "game." If he doesn't think I'm his wife, then "keep your hands to yourself!" Period, Paragraph!
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To my mother a man was everything. She once told me that when she was dating my father she told him she was also dating another sailor (WWII) which was a lie "and he cried so I married him". Pure manipulation of a narcissist, all her family was like that. He busted his chops for over 50 years to give in to her every whim but nothing was ever good enough for her and she treated him like dirt. His heart gave out almost 17 years ago. No matter, he wasn't useful any more.

After he passed she lived alone, though I subsequently discovered she'd had dementia for years ... looking back I feel she was mentally ill life long. During that time she tried to latch onto a man she met walking in the park who lived here in the summer and had a trailer down south in the winter. He rejected her, saying he wouldn't take her small dog, but I know it was an excuse as he saw her as believing herself to be some sort of princess to be waited on. She didn't want sex (ewwww), just a man to jump through hoops to give her whatever she wanted. My parents had a trailer at one time and went south but my mother hated it "because I have to cook and I want to go to a nice hotel and be waited on". Ugh!

She spent the last 3 years of her life in a lovely nursing home. She hated the lady residents and spent most of her time in her room plotting how she could get some man to care for her and screaming down the phone at me because she was in prison - parkinsons, dementia, strokes, couldn't walk, incontinent.

Once in a while she'd try to chat up the gentlemen residents, offering them candies, but they ignored her which freaked her out as her whole life had been about her hair, nails, slim, pretty and so on.

She refused to allow the male hairdresser to do her hair as she didn't like the way he did it. Somehow she thought she was punishing him by withholding a measly $15. In the meantime he didn't know or care ... he was the mayor of a small town and did hair as more of a contribution to society if anything. While all the ladies had their nicely done, by the time she passed my mother looked like a hag ... never mind, she was punishing him.

So far as the sex thing is concerned it's been my experience that it's in their minds, not where it's supposed to be. Many men over 50 can't get an erection and perhaps something like Viagara would help but for those older perhaps there is some medication to take away the supposed sex drive?
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Dementia is cute? In what decade? IT IS FAR FROM THAT!
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My husband was always very sexual. Since he got Alzheimer's he wants it constantly. He walks around the house exposing himself and rubbing all the time and asking me to have sex. I refuse and tell him we just had it. He gets angry and tells me I'm a liar and it was someone else. I try to turn his attention to something else. It is driving me crazy. I hate to be alone with him because this goes on all day. When we are out he is a perfect gentlemen and all our friends love him and treat him kindly. He is about stage 3 or 4. Any comments?
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You get a hug from me, Joansie39, though I have no useful comment to give. I'm dealing with a similar situation, though the man is my 93 year old FIL with dementia. He won't leave me alone and the only conversation he wants to have with me is about what he wants to do with me. It's disturbing and, yes, it drives the recipient of unwanted sexual advances crazy! How much more painful it must be for you, coming from the man you love. Try to remember that love and that the dementia is the enemy.

If you haven't already, talk about this with his doctors. There may be medications that can slow him down, maybe make him nap a little more. There's really little that can be done. It won't go away. :( The saving grace with my FIL is if I'm out of sight, I'm out of his mind. Avoiding him works. If you can identify your husband's triggers... does seeing you trigger this behavior, for example, or maybe it's if he's not engaged with something else, like reading or working on a "project"... you might be able to get a little respite by working around those triggers. For your own sanity, you may eventually need to place him in a facility where other people can provide most of his care.

Find someone close you can share your troubles with. You're going to need to vent on occasion. Venting at your husband won't do anything to help matters. Just know it's all right to get angry or hurt or just break out in tears. Be kind to yourself.
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Good morning. I am new to this page and my husband has recently at the age of 68 been diagnosed with dementia. We haven't had sex for the last 10 years as he decided back then that he really didn't want to anymore but now it is on his mind all the time. I am trying to reassure him that I love him but for me having been abstinent for 10 years, it is going to be uncomfortable and difficult. I am comforted to read that in Alzheimer patients, the sexual desire appears to be restimulated for some reason. I feel 100% better. Thank you. :)
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Willows: Any person with an addiction can be helped by Refirners Unanimous. They can look at it online.
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I went through this with my husband. He has early onset that started in his 50s. He used to call his elderly parents to tell on me for not wanting sex with him! He would talk about me then decided our grown son (who helps care for him) of having a sex with me!!. Yuck! He would call his parents anyone who would listen. Can you imagine the horror ......anyway I had him hauled off for help. It was just a phase and other phases have come and gone. He is in a nursing home now. It was horrible to go through for me. After all that no...he repulsed me, but I continued to care for him, the love is different now. He is just 61 and in the dementia unit of a nursing home. I cared for him and continued working. It was hard. I'm in my 50s. It's a horrible disease.
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Well I can tell you how my Dad handled it with my Mom who has Alzheimers, they have been married for 71 years. Mom would jump on him in the middle of the night and insist on having sex but my Dad has had prostate cancer and when they took it out they took out what gives him the drive for sex, and he's had hip surgery! So when Mom hopped on him and had to get her off and told her he just can't do it anymore. Well the next day she was quite insistent on having sex and my Dad, looked at her and said, Alice you have a poor memory we had sex several times last night!! She said, We did! He said "Yes" and she floated around on a cloud for a week! My Dad is quite sly to come up with that one! So you all can try it out on your spouse too!
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Ahh, what male doesn't think of sex 24/7?
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