Alzheimer's husband is doing everything to get out of memory care home! What can I do?

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My husband of 5 years (he was married before,) went into a very nice board and care memory home a month ago. He was diagnosed with Alzheimers a year ago and became violent and verbally abusive on a daily basis. It finally ended when he would not stop and was shoving me into doors and trying to hurt the cats he used to love so much. He also is an alcoholic. It was a hard thing to do but I knew he was safe and so was I. However, the 3rd day he was there, he started telling the administrator that he wanted to go home and that I was going to pick him up. (He doesn't remember anything he had done the past year) then he called me on the 4th day, and begged me to come get him. He turned ugly and mean when I told him that he could not come home bc I could not care for him anymore. He started threatening me saying I was going to pay and I was stealing his house and money (btw his pension and ss barley cover his care there)
I was told by the person there not to worry about it and at that time I didnt. Today he still makes the threats but forgets about it after awhile. Here is the problem, he wears a foley cathedar. And he has been saying h e needs to go to the hospital to have it changed. He just had it changed a day before he got there. 3 days ago he poked a hole on the bag and was saying he needed bags right away. I gathered up all the bags and equipment that we had here in the house and brought them over to the home. The next day the administrator said she was looking in on him when he was in his room and he was carefully lying down on the floor she started to walk away when he started yelling that he had fallen and needed to go to the hospital. Another attempt to break out. Then a resident witnessed him sticking his fingers down his throat to make it look like he was sick. Here's the worst part. Last night he pulled his foley cathedar out. and every week-end a caregiver comes to give the administrator a break.so he was scaring her saying he was going to have an infection so she would have to call me and order me to take him to the hospital. This was the final straw for me. I broke down on tears and told that caregiver that he had never done that before, and was doing this only to get out of the home and try to get back here. He is also an alcoholic that is another reason. Thankfully the administrator called me and told me she went back to the house and he was fine. My question. How should I handle this? pulling out his cathedar just to get over the white fence is crazy!! He is not my husband anymore I do know that. He went away 6 months ago from this stupid disease. However, I feel like I'm being harassed and beaten up again. What should I do to end this up and down craziness that he is doing to me, and to the people at the home??

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If he had a brain scan, they would probably find damage in certain areas of his brain associated with anger, fear, and aggression. These frightening behaviors are not something that he is doing willingly. It is the disease, I'm sure. The thing is that they are not going to heal themselves, though a good doctor may be able to help to manage them. Is his doctor specialized in geriatric care? Talk to him/her about working with a geriatric psychiatrist in finding medications that will calm your husband. His behavior is miserable for him, as well as others, I am sure. I hope the doctors are able to find something that works.
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He needs an eva!uation in a geriatric psych unit. The alcohol abuse increases the issues.
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I do think he needs to be evaluated. They can decide if he needs care and if they can provide it. The paranoia is a red flag, the anger, violence and verbal abuse are all deal breakers to him coming home. I'm sorry that your new life with a new husband has turned so bad.
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His doctor knows about his alcoholism. and before he went into the homehe was in the skilled nursing center for a bruised rib. He is 85. But when the adrenalin and paranoia hits hes got the arm strength of a 20 year old. It is only him and me. His ex wife passed away a year before we meet. He waited the trational year before he started looking for some one else) Thats one of the reasons i fell for him) old fashioned values. Oh i didnt mention we have been together for 8 years.
He had two kids. One passed away in 2011, the other one he has nothing to do with. Both of those kids only wanted the house, as a matter of fact they were downright mean and nasty when i first met them. My husband called them leechs. We had an estate lawyer do the papers giving me power of attorney and he has a will. The house in a trust that no one can touch. He wanted to be sure i would be fine if something happened to him. This is why it hurts so bad. He alzheimers robbed me along with him. I have no one either. I had a few friends but they couldnt handel how bad i was being treated. So they quit calling long time ago. My husband has been thru the withdrawal but the urge to drink is stayingqith him. And comming home here would trigger the violence. Hes been in this house since 1971. He would get up at odd times and walk angrily around the house kicking trash cans,walls and his face was scarey looking. He would just sit at the dining table and stare into the kitchen.iwould ask if anything was wrong, and he would say something hateful and ugly to me. He also lost his wedding ring 4 months ago 10 wallets, one phone, 9 sets of keys,ect. And of course I took them all. it was a daily nightmare. His behaviour at the home though is bizzare. He has been behaving like a child so this seems like a childs tantrum. I do not like being scared, but do you think he needs to be under psyciatric care?
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Is the board and care able to handle his needs? If they are willing and able to keep him on then you need to let them deal with him. His doctor definitely needs to be kept updated on his behaviors as well, as he may benefit from the proper medication.
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He needs medication and possibly some B vitamins. Alcoholics tend to deplete vitamin B1 (thiamine) and that can badly affect the brain. Ask the MD about B complex supplements.
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This sounds like a problem that needs medical intervention. If he is detoxing from alcohol, his system is totally off balance. Please speak with his doctor about what is going on with him. His doctor may know ways to help with the alcohol withdrawal and the aggression.

In your position, I believe I would try to separate myself from the situation. Would it be possible for the State to take on guardianship? If you've only been married five years, he has probably been ill for most of that time. You probably do not have many shared resources. In your position I believe I would cut my losses and run. Does he have any children?
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