I never thought I'd be asking for advice on an elder care forum but here goes. I'm 53 & live in California. My parents (Dad is 83, Mom 78) live in New York. I'm the only child. We put Mom in an Alz home last summer. Dad will run out of money to pay for it, probably this year. We tried to apply for VA "Aid and Attendance" but since he's the vet and he wasn't disabled, and he's still alive, they said we didn't qualify for a benefit for her care expenses. They turned us down for a VA pension because we didn't have enough supporting info from her doctor to justify her living in a home. (We just appealed that decision last week).
I just returned from visiting Dad to help him with his taxes & various things, to find out that Mom's home might make her leave and go somewhere else, because of a bowel incontinence problem she's having. He was shocked, didn't realize it was happening so often & didn't know that the facility couldn't handle that. The director gave him a couple of eldercare lawyers' names and a list of nursing homes. They said that Mom won't be moved from the home immediately but for Dad to be ready in case she has to go.
I thought that the first step should be to see if there's anything that can be done medically to help with the stool issue. She's on various meds for Alz and other things, I'm going to research her drugs and have asked Dad to ask her previous doctor (who had been her doctor for 13 years before she was admitted to the Alz home) if she thought anything could be done.
Dad still lives in his house, it's paid for. It's clean and tidy but in bad shape, needs painting inside and out, some of the wood is rotting, nothing's been updated for years. He wants to stay there. The garage collapsed in February under all of the snow and ice New York had. He got paid from his insurance company and put all of the money into the bank account which pays for Mom's care. He always puts her first.
So my questions to you are, assuming we cannot control her situation medically:
1. What should we do first? Consult an attorney? Apply for Medicaid? Or?
2. I am 99% sure I read on this website that Medicaid would kick in after Dad ran out of money but not make him leave his house; then AFTER he leaves the house (either dying or selling it) then any money Medicaid paid would be repaid to Medicaid after the proceeds.
3. Any other advice for us at all? I didn't realize that Mom's home would actually kick her out for having a medical problem, is this the norm?
Thank you so very much