My husband has always been controlling and verbally abusive, but now in his Alzheimer's state it has escalated. Tonight I thought I was having a heart attack I was in such a state of stress. . .but, being thru this before, I knew it was a panic attack - removed myself from the room, calmed down and didn't return to where my husband was. When my husband was in the hospital for two months it was the best two months of my life and I secretly prayed that he would be in the hospital for another two months. My house was in order, I ate healthy food, I slept like a baby. Now, that I had a taste of "life", I want that again, but cannot leave him with Alzheimer's. I am finding ways of getting out of the house more often. . .doing things for myself. . .but find the night time is trying because I have to be at home with him. I isolate myself from him as much as I can. . . Is anyone else feeling like me? Oh, by the way. . .he will not use his sleep apnea machine or his hearing aids no matter what I have tried. . .and the doctors blame me for him not using his equipment! One psychiatrist told me that he cannot help him. . .he pitied me and told me I was going to die before my husband! The other physician blamed me for not taking control over my husband using his sleep apnea machine and his hearing aid! Really? Anyone in this position, too? My husband has dementia - he is not an invalid. Sometimes I think he knows what he is doing. . .because he has acted superior and in charge his whole life. His favorite line for himself was "if I can make a bad situation worse, I will". . .and "if it doesn't bother me, then why should it bother anyone else". . . See what I am up against!

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Thank you "give a hug". . . Oh, I left my husband twice; he wined and dined me back and it wasn't long before I was back that I knew I had made another mistake! I was ashamed of my behavior and bit the bullet. Just before he had his major stroke I confided in my girlfriend that "this was it" I was leaving and not coming back. . .then the stroke! I wonder what I would have done if I had left, then he had the stroke - how I would have felt obligated even then to come back to take care of him since he has no one else! Such a web we weave, no?
My husband goes to the VA for medical care. He had a wonderful physician, then they turned him over to the geriatric physician! YES, I think that is the thing to do - #1 on my list tomorrow is to call the VA and get another physician on board.
#2 is to go back to a therapist . . . that is without question! #3 Thru the VA I can get financial assistance, and - if not, then I have a list I just found in the local paper. . .Legal Services for Seniors is just one to contact.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your well put words. I re-read your message three times and will read it again to help me get some backbone.
YES. . .the only way I can have a real life is to NOT live with my husband. It's a good thing that I had two months of freedom and I want to drink from that cup again!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your message. I have found this site and it has been a life saver. If nothing else, I have used it to vent. In venting, I have found so many others are in these situations that we were never expecting to be faced with.
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I have an improvement and a solution in mind.

For an improvement, change doctors. Blaming you for not being able to make your husband wear a cpap machine is abusive and ridiculous. You need a new doctor, and also, probably a therapist.

But the solution is to place your husband in a care center. I do not say that lightly. You should not have to look forward to being pitied and to dying before your husband. But the only way out of this is to turn your husband's care over to professionals, continue to advocate for him and see that he gets good care, visit him regularly, and regain your own life.

Would you need some financial assistance to place your husband in assisted living or more probably a memory care unit? That can be arranged. Do you need help figuring out how to get the process started? Plenty of people on here can explain the process. Whatever obstacles you anticipate they can be overcome. The only way you are going to live a real life is to not live with your husband.

It is too bad (in my opinion) that you didn't leave your controlling and verbally abusive husband before he got dementia. Now I think you do have a responsibility to see that he is taken care of. You do not have an obligation to do that caring yourself.
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I repeated myself re the physician blaming me for my husband not using his sleep apnea equipment and hearing aid. . .because I wanted to say that I also felt abused by the physician. I have already been pounded down by my husband, now the medical field. I never thought I would be someone that had to hide like a mouse from the cat. . .but, that is where I seem to be these days and it is humiliating to admit this. I want to re-gain my dignity and power and my health.
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