I’d posted awhile back about my estranged mother, who is mentally ill, showing up at my door needing help. So we are in the process of getting me immediate POA. She has agreed to sign that. We are moving forward with getting her ready for her big neck surgery. I don’t know what you call it, but they have to go in through the front and the back and do fusions at multiple levels. She’s also getting treatment for osteoporosis prior to this. I don’t like the situation I’m in with her, But. But I really feel cruel walking away.
and of course, we are working with an elder law attorney to get me in a position to manipulate her finances to get nursing home Medicaid if we must. But I’m seeing a few scenarios where I might end up bringing her home from the hospital after her neck surgery. She’s supposed to go to rehab. She has a history of hospital delirium, the most recent episode last fall, where she remained confused for a couple of weeks before she even came and found me. She was living in the house with shut off utilities, her doctors office even told me she showed up at their office barefoot. But overtime, She has cleared up a lot. My friend just put her mother who had a stroke in a nursing home with Medicaid pending. And right now the family is paying the nursing home fees while they wait on Medicaid. I am afraid to get obligated to that.
One of my very biggest reservations in me just staying at my mothers is her house. We worked with APS to get the hoarding situation under control. It has improved. The trash and cockroaches are mostly gone. Still a low level roach problem. The house had a full carpet steam cleaning. But there’s still way too much clutter that she won’t allow anyone to pick up, and I’m still just grossed out in general at the thought of eating anything out of her kitchen. I Fear going to sleep at night and wondering what will crawl on me. A few months ago a roach very nearly crawled on my face as I slept on her couch after an ER visit. We also found a rat in the home during the big clean out. We did have professional pest control done for that. But I’m just not comfortable staying in her place. It reeks of cigarette smoke. There’s no privacy, the bathroom door does not even shut all the way.
I’m considering buying a small RV and parking in her driveway. If I just had a different place to go away from her toxic presence, cigarette smoke, and the grossness of her house. I could be OK ISH. Thinking I could monitor her when I’m not in her home via a ring Camera or a baby monitor or something like that. My home is actually about 10 miles away from her so depending on what shape, she’s in, it might not be appropriate for me to stay at my home and just check on her. I could sell the RV when I no longer need it and get much of my money back. Does this seem feasible?
I am glad that you're not considering that option; it is very, very difficult to place an elder from home and even doubly difficult to insist that an elder (especially one's mother) needs to leave your home. It must certainly feel terrible and legally, it can be a nightmare (we've had some pretty terrible stories on this board over the years).
I want to emphasize that getting your mentally ill mother the care she NEEDS is what is paramount here. I understand that you are willing to take her to doc appointments, get the house looked after and the like, but do watch out for "mission creep".
My mom, not mentally ill, but with some cognitive issues could not for the life of her understand why I couldn't leave work an hour away several times a week when she summoned me for an imagined "emergency". There comes a time when you need to be able to say "no, I can't do this anymore", mean it and not give in to whining or manipulation.
Wishing you the best!