Is it allowable for an elder parent to contribute to household expenses such as food, water, and electricity?

I have my 90 yr. old mother & 100 yr. old mother-in-law living with us. My husband is 76 and I am 62. We both have worked hard, raised & educated our children and my husband retired 3 years ago. Our mothers have both rejected the idea of going into a nursing home. We extended both guest rooms so they can have a sitting area and their own bathrooms. It came at a cost of $80,000. Our moms both have a decent nest egg and my husband and I have found finding care for them when we need to visit our children (graduations, weddings, christenings etc.) difficult and extremely costly, $2,000 a week a minimum. Elderly ladies are always cold, so our heating bill is very high, we feel obligated to cook hot meals every night and whether I feel under the weather or not, I get up every morning and feed, shower and dress them. No holidays, weekends or nights off, we sleep with baby monitors on our night stands. We both have siblings who think we are crazy to take on this responsibility and they travel, play golf and enjoy their grandchildren. My feeling is that I am saving my sisters' inheritance by devoting my life to my mother. Her money would be gone very soon in a nursing home at $8,600 a month. Our accountant did not advise us to take a monthly salary as we would have to pay employee/employer taxes which would cut the income to us in half. We could charge rent but still have to pay 1/3 in taxes. She has recommended we have our mothers gift us so much a year. The big draw back is, if I am unable to care for them due to illness/death, and they have to go into a nursing home, if their money runs out in less than 5 years, we would have to pay the state back any gifts within the past five years of their money being depleted. My husband and I have saved for a comfortable retirement, but since I am only 62, we can not afford to support a family of 4 nor do I think we should only to have siblings reap the benefits. I might add that I pay $800 a month in health insurance for myself since I don't work outside the home, I was a geriatric nurse.

Thank you, jeannegibbs, I appreciate the advice and the kind words.

maryalice81403, those who would say you shouldn't be using your mother's income -- ignore them. They might mean well, but they are not living in reality.

In addition, if your Mom is on or is eligible for Medi-Cal I'd look into any in-home services she might be eligible for. For example, if she is entitled to some housekeeping (cleaning, laundry), take advantage of that.

My mother lived with my sister about 15 months. Sister charged her the same she had been paying for subsidized housing, and also got paid a small amount by Medicaid for taking care of Mom. No one at all thought that wasn't appropriate. Mom's health deteriorated and she is now in a nursing home.

Enjoy Mom living with you as long as it is possible. If it becomes impossible, be proud of doing your best for her while you could.

I looked into putting my mom into a nursing home and discovered that they would take all of her SS check except for $35 a month (Medi-Cal). That was almost the exact amount I would lose a month by retiring to stay home and take care of her. When I realized that it was an easy choice, I retired and we now use her check as part of our monthly income. I'm sure some would say that we shouldn't be using all her income but this way she gets to live with us and be with family 24/7.

Unequivocally YES!

It is so hard not to feel resentful in these situations. If you are the POA do you have charge of her finances? I feel it is very unfair for you to be living there caring for her full time and keeping her out of a nursing home yet you are expected to pay her to stay there. It is so hard being a caregiver. You are on call 24/7. I told Mom the $500 she is paying is living expenses. Where else could she live for $500/month with utilities covered, 3 good meals a day, showers given, waited on hand and foot and all the many, many other things I do for her. Yes, I am thankful I can do this for my mother and yes I want to keep her out of a nursing home but it is not up to my husband to support her too when she has the money to contribute. When she first moved here I also had her 13 year old dog whom she had never taught any manners and Mom was constantly waking me up telling me the dog needed out in the middle of the night. My sister has since taken her and is getting $100 just for keeping the dog. Not really fair when I had her and the dog both and was getting $500 when it was up to me to take her to the vet, etc, etc but I can live with it if it means I don't have to have the dog here. For awhile my middle sister was not helping out at all and it was very hard not to feel resentful because if Mom does not have to end up in a nursing home everything will be split 3 ways. I have never felt such a rollercoaster of emotions as I have been through this last year and a half. Nobody knows what it's like to be a caregiver until you have done it. Try to find ways to do things for yourself and have things to look forward to or it will harm your health and well being.

MLH1967: I think you are absolutely right in asking for help with utilities and I see nothing wrong with that at all. We got a bit screwed up here in that we moved into Mom's house to care for her. I am her unpaid caregiver 24/7 but I am expected to PAY HER $300 a month towards utilities and I also pay for groceries. What this does in preserve HER WEALTH while I am on disability and we are living on $1300 a month (really $1000). She would have never been able to keep this house and live on her own without us, but she wants to keep her savings and CD's in tact and she needs our money and my sisters $300 to pay the bills.

8 years ago I did not mind because I had child support as well, but that is no longer the case. Both of my sisters work, however I am left at home as the unpaid caregiver. I no longer feel that this is fair or equitable. They are making incomes while I do all the work AND YET I AM EXPECTED TO PAY. When my mother dies and her money has been left in tact both sisters expect that it be split equally between us. None of that money would be there for any of us, if they had to hire a caregiver to care for Mom, but in their eyes it is okay for me to provide the care for free and save the money for them.

What if my mother becomes so ill she has to go into a nursing home? All that money will have to be spent and then she will need to go on Medicaid. I feel that this is VERY unfair. I would never be able to get Mom to agree to sign a care giver agreement and with her dementia I do not know that she could even be asked to sign one. I am also the POA but that does not mean I HAVE TO BE THE CAREGIVER.

I hate to even think about it as it makes me mad.

Our utilities have gone up since my mom moved in with us and I do not feel like it is my husband's place to support her since he is 66 and wanting to retire within the year. We have done so much for Mom through the years. She never learned to drive and my husband was the handyman after my dad passed away 12 years ago. Mom was paying utilities when she lived alone so I did not feel like she should live here free of charge when I give her 24/7 care way beyond what she would get in a nursing home. When I first brought up the subject to her after she had moved in with us since she hadn't, she pouted like a child and brought up something she had done for us in the 70's. I said Mom - if you want to make a list over who did what for whom, I can assure you mine will be WAY longer. So she grudgingly agreed to give us $500/month but she seems to be okay with it now. When I moved back home for awhile after I was grown up, she expected me to contribute so why shouldn't she? It's really tough having this role reversal but I have to stand firm or she will lay the same kind of guilt trips on me as she did when I was younger.

Charles1921, that's fine. I assume you could afford it. Don't judge the people who have given up jobs to care for their parents, because if the parent doesn't contribute, they may all end up on the street.

You deserve credit for your attitude. So do the caregivers who let their parents pay them for care. every situation is different.

If I had charged my 90 year old father who was a veteran of 2 wars for his care I would never be able to live with myself. He sacrificed to raise 5 kids and I owe it to him, yes I owe it to him to return the favor and was honored to do it. He did not interrupt my life but gave me precious memories. And he did not cost us hardly anything to stay with us. He would offer and I said Dad it's my turn now.

I agree with SA. If the caregiver is a self made millionaire, then pay all of folks expenses. But if this is not the case be forewarned this initial responsibility that you take on has the potential of destroying the caregivers finances. The expense will become greater and greater each month and once you begin to care for folks for nothing selfish siblings will expect it to continue indefinitely.

Siblings become concerned how their inheritance will be impacted and sometimes try to charge room and board if caregiver is in folks home. This they took care of me when I was a child crap drives me absolutely nutty! I do not think that the majority of your folks would want that either. The majority, until the disease advances, would want you living your life, developing your career, and enjoying your life and family.

Not only is it allowable, it should be a freaking REQUIREMENT.

Leasha, now that I think about this advice from a tax preparer I understand his or her perspective. You can accept that as a GIFT without tax consequences. If you take that as PAYMENT, you'll owe taxes on it. But it still may be preferable to treat it as a payment and pay taxes on it IF there is any remote chance that the parents' might have to apply for Medicaid some day. BTW, if it is taxable income, be sure to keep track of expenses. If parents pay you $600 for utilities and food, and your costs for those things is $495, then you would be paying taxes on $105, not $600.

That's my understanding too jeannegibbs. I'm going to talk to an attorney about setting up a personal agreement. I'm curious if someone with dementia can do that if they have already been designated as not being capable of doing that.

But it is better not to accept your parent's money as "gifts." Having a rental agreement or a personal care agreement designates the money as payments for goods or services received. If he ever needs to apply for Medicaid (and even if he seems to have plenty of money now, chronic illnesses can eat through a mountain of money quickly) the "gifts" will result in penalties and "payments" will not.

My taxpreparer told me family members can accept up to $13,000 in gifts per year. I thank you for suggesting I look into it.

I hope I didn't offend anyone! I'm not trying to be rude, but here's the issue- I clicked " unsubscribe from this conversation, because I thought the question had been well answered; BUT- all my other notifications seemed to stop as well!
So, I was just being a little frustrated. Please accept my heartfult apologies!

When growing up I lived at home (as was the custom in the South) with my parents until I married. I paid 1/3 of food and utilities. There was no mortgage. It was to teach me responsibility according to my mother. I didn't disagree with her one bit.

If my mother moved in with me at this moment I probably wouldn't charge her anything. But I don't know what her expenses could be.If this were a hardship on my husband and I, then yes, she would have to help.

You see I paid rent because it was a learning experience, she should pay rent if we needed the money to pay for care for her. Every family is different and no one is wrong here or should have rude or insensitive comments made to them. Everyone's situation is different.

Let's have some compassion here.

Thank you for the advice, I'll check with our tax preparer. I think we're still under the tax deductible gift amount, but it's still something to talk about. We're thinking of having him pay the electricity bill, that way when he's home alone during the day he can crank up the heater and not worry about making "our" bill go up too high. I guess with anything it depends on the circumstances. My dad wants to pay and he decided how much without asking us. It's way more than I would have suggested and it's been great to buy extra food to have for dad and be able to breathe within our budgest.

Can we close this question down now? I think it's an issue of common sense, and your own integrity.

I never considered taking care of my father a sacrifice and having him in my home surely didn't make my utilities go up much. He would get out his wallet when we'd go to a restaurant and want to pay for the meal and I'd always say, Dad they don't take your money down here! I said it is my turn to take care of you now..

I don't think there is a legal issue until you violate a disclosure law.

My mom also voluntarily pays a set amount each month toward her care. It makes her feel like she is contributing to the household who sacrificed and made room for her. It is a win/win for our household.

First I didn't read all the responses so....Leisha be careful about taking a check made out to you it is taxable income and will be part of the 5 yr medicaid look back!

Absolutely you should charge rent... My Mom's been with me for 12 yrs as per the advice of her elder care lawyer we discussed a monthly amount she should pay and she uses her checking account to pay utilities adding up to that amount monthly.

I think the issue here is not so much whether an elderly parent should contribute if they have the means to do so (which I would agree with, my mother helps out with rent and utilities every month and has paid for certain improvements to her living area). The issue is the ethical dilemma of taking money from someone who has dementia and may not have the presence of mind to contribute of their own free will. My mother once she started slipping into dementia found a bank statement and called her financial advisor, accusing me of stealing from her when she saw the amount we agreed upon as a debit. The advisor knew of our arrangement already and soothed her. I stopped letting paper statements come to the house, which I felt bad about but I couldn't afford to have her agitated again for no reason and perhaps start calling family members with those accusations, which she is prone to do. In Singapore, elderly parents can sue if they are not supported by their children. In the USA, there is no legal obligation so it is all a moral, ethical question of how responsible one is to one's parents once they get old and sick.

burritokid, I am not cold towards parents I am a parent and I had a wonderful father and have a wonderful mother but I standby the fact that when have kids it is our responsibility to provide for them because they are children. If a parent comes to live with your family and has an income to help out with household bills then they should. By the way parents just can't throw kids out without some reprecussions.

@sistershar, I was a caregiver to my mom when she was in the hospital because of medical malpractice. I lost income, my own bills were late thus incurring late fees, and everything else was dropped. Oh, by the way, you are the one who is way off base. It is YOUR responsibility to take care of your elderly parents when they cannot. In your words, "it is REALITY!!!!" That's what happens when people get old. they get sick and need family around to take care of them not make money off of them. If the parent(s) are well able to help, they just don't want to be alone, I have no problem with that. It's the ones who are suffering Alzheimers, dementia, that have no clue about day to day living that I find issue with. BTW, my mom was i900 miles from me, so I had lots of plane, train and car rides to get to her, sometimes on emergency. I bet you didn't do that! You're parents are in town aren't they??? So don't judge me either. I live every day feeling guilty that I didn't do enough to push the hospital to correct their mistake. We lost my mom last year. Thank you for your condolences.

Absolutely the best place for an elder to be is with a living family member. My mom was not being properly cared for in her assisted living facility. She mistakenly thought she could still do everything that she had to do in her little apartment. She had no idea or recollection on how to clean or take care of her daily needs at all. Somewhere in her mind her self image of herself was still there and her ego told her that she was still capable of anything and everything. She was not taking meds properly,eating right, bathing herself ,cleaning her apt. or taking care of feeding her cat or cleaning out the litter box, nor washing her clothes. After speaking with them they did increase her cost so she would get all of those things done for her but she wouldn't allow them to clean or to bath her. I was still coming in and doing all of that for her. I lived over one hour away and every time I did come to see her it was a fight to get everything clean and it wasn't a positive visit for either of us.
My hubby (an angel) said why not bring her to our home because we have a nice room and private bathroom for her. Since he is always at home an I am self employed with my office at home we figured we could not only care for her needs but give her love and attention.
Bringing an elder into your home incurs more than a monetary cost there is also an emotional cost. She pays less to live with us than in a care facility where at this point she would be in a sparse room locked in at night and with others like herself. She gets loving attention from our large extended family (our grown children and grandchildren) and gets fresh fruit and vegetables, home cooked meals and goodies and most of all love and attention. As far as the rest of her remaining family giving her any attention (her living brother and sister in law and my brother her son) unless I specifically as they don't volunteer, call or seem to care. Out of sight out of mind. I am protecting her estate which my brother will get half of when she passes. I say he should be grateful to me for taking the burden off of him. I feel no guilt for using her funds to help with her constant care. I have been told we don't get enough for what we are doing. The Alzheimer care facilities around here charge between $5500 and $7500 a month to take care of the patients. I use her funds to give ourselves respite and take care of household expenses that we desperately need and she is still not paying what she was over 2 years ago for assisted living and she has it so much better. It is difficult yes and it is hard watching your mom or dad disappearing before your eyes, being ungrateful, sometimes cursing you, even hitting and lashing out. But she took care of me and always was there as a mom and great grandma for my children. As my mom would always say "it is what it is" and like the weather we can't always predict what we might get from day to day. Keep up the good work and get rid of your guilt we are all doing what needs to be done for family.

Most elderly have SSI income. Contributing to their living arrangements is not unreasonable based on their income.

My mother-in-law doesn't have dementia, at least not significantly. We invited her to move in over 5 years ago. She was paying significantly more for rent and living expenses than she does now. We accept $515 a month from her for household expenses and her cell phone. At age 91, she's happy to have us taking care of her. She keeps her room neat, but doesn't cook or contribute to the care of the house in other ways. I don't feel guilty about letting her help out.