waverun Asked June 2012

Should I allow my Mom to see the man who walked out on her because he could no longer handle her?

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My Mom's companion of 13 years walked out on her April 29th. My sister and I went to visit her to take her shopping, when we got bcak to her house, he was gone. He left a note but, it was not a note that explained to my Mom why he left. My Mom forgot about the note and what it said a day after he left. Now, My Mom has been caliing him daily, wants him back and she cannot stop crying about it. He called me last week and told me my Mom has been calling her. I told him he may need to change his phone number. He said no, he does not mind if she calls him. He also mentioned that when we take her back home ( she lives 3 hours away and we know she cannot live alone) he would be more than happy to do her yard work 3 days a week ( as he loves doing it) and he also want to come over to my Mom's house and take us to lunch Friday.

My issue is this, is this a good idea for her to see him in hopes he moves back in with her? She has been on Seroquel for 2 weeks and this med has made such a change in her behvior. Could letting her see him push her over the ledge again? I feel so bad because she really does love him and misses her so badly. He also has noticed her behavior change...I do not know what to do...

Any insight???

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NancyH Jun 2012
Waverun, if your mother isn't currently in asst. living, then maybe this would be a good time for her to move into HIS asst living place. They could see each other all the time, but if he did decide to leave her again, wouldn't it be less of a problem logistically at least?
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waverun Jun 2012
I was just told by my Mom and Howard ( the man who left her) that he will be moving back in. He has had time to search his soul and he realizes he was part of the problem. He did not understand teh disease and how to calm her when she would get upset. What if he leaves ger again? Even though my brothers have not been a significant helep to me being her care taker for 2 months, they want nothing to do with him moving back in. They are afraid he could leave her again and if he does, they refuse to help her and will just walk away. I understand why Howard left, the boyz do NOT. All they saw was my Mom's heart breaking. His leaving was a blessing. I was able to get her into teh doctors for proper diagnosis and treatment. They shoudl be happy for that..They do not understand and I am not sure I want him to move back in...I do noy know what is teh best for my Mom here. I gues, I will have to take it one day at a time. We are taking here home tomorrow and meeting him for lunch. I will have to put it all on teh line for him . He knows what he is in for and still wants to care for her..He is rich with money so I knwo he is not after hers..But, I cannot go thru thsi again..It would kill her...
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vstefans Jun 2012
He did what seemed to be the only right thing as a caregiver who could not take the abuse, and mistook her being unreasonable as a sign of Alzheimer where he thought she had reached a point where hsi presence did not even mattrer any more. But as you have found out, in non-Alzhemier dementia, it is day-to-day memory and judgement, not the recognition of important people or long term memory that is most impaired. It is a common misconception and it was not because he was a hateful, bad person who would have deliberately harmed her, so possibly letting him be in her life as a friend could be very good thing.
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waverun Jun 2012
Nancy---He left because she has Dimentia and he could no longer take her abuse. She is now on Seroquel and has no more outbursts and or meaness. But, the med seems to make her more forgetfull. He really feels abd because he thought she would just forget about him. He did not realize how heart broken she would be. I know, she has to move out of her home. As long as he is in contact with her she thinks he may come back to her. He really is a nice man and has been very good to her. He is 87 and just cannot take care of her full time. She had a brain scan 2 months ago to see if she had signs of Alz. But the scan came back normal, No brain shrinkage at all. So teh diagnosis is Dimentia.

I am thinking maybe we can use him to help us convience her she needs to sell and move..He moved into an AL in arond the block from her. He is 100% in his right mind he just thought it easier to live in an AL than buy a home at his age.

I just do not know what to do here......
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NancyH Jun 2012
Why did he leave her in the first place? Was this because she had mental issues like dementia/alz? If so, then just because the meds are working for her now, she will eventually lose her battle if it's alzheimer's we're talking about. Why did he come back and then let your mother know if he has no intentions of following thru? I'm seeing red flags all over the place here aren't you?
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