I am # 2 in line on the health care doc. and all 3 siblings are the POA's. Any advice?
Pam S. you are awesome. I need your assistance.
Progressive Aphasia,
I am # 2 in line on the health care doc. & all 3 of us are the POA's (NIGHTMARE ON SMITH STREET)
Regardless, as you know from previous , I am the youngest. 10 yrs. 55, 65, 67.
Parents 88 mother Alzheimer last stage father 88 (LIVING WITH SISTER) PPA primary
My middle sister #1. power of attorney line, will NOT TALK TO ME. NOT A WORD, EVER.
NOT EVEN AN emergency call RE: health of my father.
SHE CALLS OTHER SIS. PREVIOUSLY. SHE WILL CALL WHOMEVER. THEY HAVE BLOCKED ME FROM ALL HEALTH CARE DOCTORS. ANY DOCUMENT IS NOT VALID THEY STATE. THEY ARE ALL VALID
Sister #2, father lives with. I PICK UP father 3 times a week, & I drop off 5-6 hours later at her house, he is blind 95% & I take him to dinner /then to put my mother to bed at AL FACILITY. He is ALONE during the DAY, & is there to fend for himself. I AM OUTRAGED, I have offered to have him come over & I would stay home for NOTHING & LIVE OFF OF WHAT I HAVE. I HAVE FORTUNATELY JUST PAID MY HOUSE OFF. WHAT ABOU
THEY BOTH SAID "NO NO NO"
WHY? Because that would leave them without the person that holds all the money , or that is my position, as sister number two has received $2500 per month, and grocery money and two cars & a new roof for father living there, as with PPA he has lost his ability to understand money. Former President and CEO of engineering firm. Who knows $$ about
We have (my father and I) dinner every Wednesday pm and then we go to my mothers assisted living and he puts her to bed. (last stage) down to 90 pds.
Before she was very angry, and that stage she was beating on him. I had the police intervene, and they took her and she is placed in a wonderful place.
My father did one thing write, he saved money and purchased just by the luck of the draw the right kind of life insurance that pays 100% for this assisted living home. He had to spend $10,000 on an attorney because back in the day it was "Nursing Home Insurance" the work "Assisted Living" barely or did not exist.
Daughter number 3. ME, is the last one, and now the one that is left out, because now, as of last wednesday when I merely asked, because I wanted to help out because that is just the kind of person I am, I want to see both parents. I said, "what is the other sister's participation in seeing father & mother, i.e. specifically what days "SO THAT I DO NOT CONFLICT WITH THE DAYS AS I AM NEEDING TO CHANGE WEDNESDAY TO THURSDAY. she said "THAT IS IT, I DRAW THE LINE THERE" then she went on to say that my father had been in the hospital on the days that I had not seen him Friday to Monday, no one called me, and they told the hospital I had abandoned him. I see him Tues Wed & Fri Morning.
Every 3rd weekend, I take him 1 hour away to his very nice waterfront home.
I am the ONLY one that takes him there, because as he says the other two will not let me out of the house, "and that is the truth", I know what they mean, of course if he wants to go for a walk, go with him. He found a lady FRIEND, ;MIND YOU HE IS HAPPILY MARRIED TO A WOMAN THAT DOES NOT KNOW HIS NAME. This woman and I met, and she offers to walk him. I said yes after knowing her for 3 months, and knowing that she was not after him signing anything, and I CAN SEE THEM THE ENTIRE TIME. My sisters have had fits about this 15 minute once every three weeks situation. ONE WALK.
Therefore, the one 1st in line for health care said "I took father to the doctors and I did not invite you or "L" Number 1" that is right, you guys put up with this, and I said, S' (number 2) if this is too much, please have him come life with my husband and I, she said, no way, and I said why, & she said, then I will not be able to CONTROL HIS ACTIONS. Really? a blind man with PPA, that knows he is going to die any day now, or month, see's his wife religiously except for three days a month, when he goes to visit his home he built in 1977 and is a beautiful piece of property and he can walk around it, and hear the water. Really, that is so bad, and you will not allow me into any health care appointments.
I HAVE 99% GUT FEELINGS sisters, have advantage $$$$ of MOM AND DAD, they have EVERY FINANCIAL THING TO HIS NAME., and HE HAS SAID TO THEM IN WRITING, PLEASE GIVE ACCESS TO NUMBER 3 OF ALL MY FINANCIAL INFORMATION AND ANYTHING YOU HAVE DONE IN THE PAST FOUR YEARS. THEY IGNORE HIM, COGNITIVE 75%/NON 25%
THEY SAY, DO NOT ASK HIM ?
SERIOUSLY WHAT TO DO.?
I HAVE ABOUT $10k for
I am not new to caregiving,
I am not new to being told "there is not enough room for you & your husband at any family functions", and the truth is starting to emerge.
I was the baby, and I was born with Exzcema and my mother and father wanted me not to be teased, so they did give me a lot. But in hindsight, I am the only daughter that has financially given back to them. I pay for everything when I am with them now. My sisters write a check from my fathers checking account.
Says one sister when she was talking, & says my father, but I cannot trust my father 100%
WHAT TO do I DO.
2 Answers
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I was fortunate to be an ice skater. When I was 20 I handed them $15,000 for all of the work for that. As a 7 year old, I had no concept of what that cost.
I have tried at every fork and turn to show my appreciation and love.
When my sisters did not want me around, (I was the child that got divorced, chose to live a violence free marriage), they stayed and one still is stuck in abuse), the other, her husband had an unfortunate heart attack, now about 10 years ago, and she has never been the same. The one that used to be as close as every, will not even acknowledge me.
I talk to the Assisted Living Manager where my mother is we are friends, and as all of you may know I am in the business, 3/4 and volunteer caregiving 1/4.
She almost cried, because she saw my father, and said he has really deteriorated.
I need to get I believe all of us off as POA or either one on (not the one that does not talk, and now both do not). and a unbiased third party.
What is guardianship.
Is that a bad thing?
Where a guardian ad le diem (sp) comes in and does an independent study to determine, the ands ifs or buts about the quality of care for my mother and father. Mother is fine, father is alone, and I do not like that. I call him daily 5 times out of the week he does not answer. I leave where ever I am working, and see if he is ok.
The other sister is far too busy, and said to me. "I need you to be consistent", I said what does that mean, she said "i cannot do this on my own, and I cannot have you change your days." I believe she is saying "I want to control you, and you need to be there for me, when I need respite. I said #2 this is a very hard job, I did it for a woman for 10 month's last year, and had caregiver burnout. It is wrong, and father needs to be in assisted living or find a caregiver, which I have offered to do for free, and let him life up where he lives which is an hour from her house, and is his house, that he made with his own hands. She said, no that does fit in with my schedule.
She texted me and said, because you are SO YOUNG???? I wanted you to see for your very eyes how bad dad is.
My father is great with me. Because as he said last night I have this PPA, but you have give me note cards, everywhere I go you have color coded them, I have memorized the colors, one has my name and address,one has what I eat for lunch.
one has his doctors and emergency number, and medications, and about 24 other cards that were important to him before his PPA is taking a turn. It is right now. I am besides myself. I realize worrying will do me know good, I am very concerned, and I am seeing them almost 6 times a week, because I have a "bad very bad taste" in my mouth.
Now, when I drop him back off she is always gone, and her husband offers, that she is off with girlfriends, she works so hard, she needs time off?
Humm….. every time I call there when I do not see my father that day, she is gone.
I am not trying to make anyone look bad, I am human I have faults too, but my gosh, this is very tough on me. If you read all of my posts somewhere you will be able to tie all of this together, and for me the winning prize is this. When the sad day comes where my parents are not on this earth, I will have no family, NONE, I have two sons, and one is "NOW IN COUNSELING", THAT IS A HUGE STEP FROM CHRISTMAS, "HE HAS NOT LET ME VISIT MY ONLY GRANDCHILD, BUT HE IS SENDING ME LETTERS STATING HE IS SORRY FOR HIS IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AND HE HAS A WAYS TO GO, BUT GOD BLESS AMERICA FOR MIRACLES. I LOVE THAT LITTLE GIRL, AND SET UP A WHOLE LIFE INSURANCE POLICY FOR HER AT 6 MONTHS, AMOUNT WILL NEVER CHANGE $12.67 a month. I put in $5,000 and at the age of 21 it can be pulled out for approved college expenses with two other people, and at age 25, she can pull half of it out for living exp. and at 30 she can do what she wants. i did that based on the advise of a financial advisor. They strongly recommended that at 21 I do not leave a lump sum for her. Most adults would not know what to do with it, let alone a child. or a 21 year old. I know when I was 21 I was a child. But I married at 23, and that just did not work out, nothing horrible, he wanted to be a policeman, and never told me in 6 years of seeing each other. Actually 4 serious years, two the younger years were friends.
Thank you for listening. I just really thank everyone on here, as this has been a post for me to help me look at myself, and where I need to work on myself, and to look at reality, and to just really be content with myself, love myself, love my parents, and give them thanks for raising me (with all the dysfunction and all), I feel so blessed.
I am at a loss for this sisterhood, and I will say to this day, that when I was younger, they always would call me and say "smart sister, how do you make this, or how do you do this", I am not sure why, they chose not to go to college, money was something that they would have been taken care of. The 10 years was a long time, and my fathers income did go up, but they constantly state, that I have everything, well they have been doing that for 40 years, I remember at 15, my sister #1 saying that, and then she got married, and had a disaster of a marriage for a long long time, and in a way blaming me. This goes way back. But the real damage started when they came over and gave me my stocking back and said there was no room at any of mom and dad's parties, as they are too old now, and we just do not have room for you and your husband. Yes, I have written that before, and though very deep to anything that I could have done, and done to really hurt them. I cannot, I really cannot, I never drank at ALL (My mother was a raging alcoholic until I was 23), they were out of the house, and this is the only thing THEY FEEL VERY GUILTY THEY LEFT ME ALONE WITH FATHER), but if that were the case why would they be so mean or mean spirited to me)? That is what they said about 2 years ago.
Thank you again Agingcare.com, for listening to all of the babbles, and one thing a person said when that happened on here, was to go into caregiving, and I want to say to whomever that was, I have never been happier, I have so many clients that want me, and I love it, compassion is what I have, and yes, I do have to worry about giving too much, and my husband worries all the time because he has seen it so real in my family.
My husband's mother was ill last year and passed away in Feb of 2014, and I was with her everyday, and she had 6 siblings. It amazes me that no one other than me and my husband were with her, spent six months off and on taking turns spending the night with her. It is not about anything other than what is in my mind, my father said when my first son was born "this little guy didn't ask to be born, so do your best, love your best, provide for your son your best, but never forget about you, because one day, that little guy will be gone, (and he is), and that little guy, has not spoken to me since the day he got off the plane from the 2 year Peace Corps Assignment in Medeba Jordon. I am convinced, and getting closer to the truth with the U.S. and the Jordanion Ambassador as to what really went on in that little town in Jordon. I do know that because of my ex husband and I working relentlessly on the "what happened to our son" he called me every day of his two years there", he was scared, I sent him so much so he could be reminded of home, I said please come home son. I told them I was going to fly to the city, and they forbid me too. He would have had a very bad mark on his "academic life", but the reality is now, since 2008, he has not spoken to his father or I, and many of his friends, and has decided that Christ is a Joke, but that is just part of the story, and I know this is rambling, but I guess this is the beginning of where all the trauma starts in, and my sisters were not any help when it came to me worried about him. They say I was selfish, and only cared about myself, when my ex husband and I were trying to figure out why he had lost 50 pounds in 2 years, and had a loving relationship with both of us, but, because of all of you, you have guided me through this, and yes having a baby has changed him, but he is getting closer to wanting his mother and father to be grandparents. I have decided to care for a 2 month old and a 3 year old, and although it cannot replace my own grandchild, I know one thing. The sweet 30 year old mother said, you are amazing, you have the energy of a 25 year old. Maybe that is because of all the hurt the pain the trauma, and then to hold a young child in my hands, and know that I have the choice to love this child to make a difference, and I do. He is the sweetest boy and now is three months, and I feel blessed, yet, when my work day ends, the reality of the pain of my mother and father, and what my sisters have done to try to destroy that. I know in the end, my sisters will feel horribly lonely, because to me, anyone that thinks they have that much power, really must be a very sad person.
Thank you with love Aging care.com, my day is better because I was able to write all of this, and I would welcome any loving advice, if it is criticism, that is fine, but please be gentle. This world has been a bit hard, but "tough people make it through hard times", and "life is a journey not a race"
D
"Loving Care by D"