My partner and I moved in with my mother four months ago due to our lease ending with not a lot of destination options and wanting to be in a town/area that had low COVID case/death trends. My mother has been living with and taking care of my grandmother for 10 years following grandmother's stroke. Grandmother recovered from stroke long ago and only experiences not able to find & say complex words (but eventually gets there after about 10-15 seconds) and feels a little weakness on one side - otherwise pretty sharp and super observant of the goings on around her and the world. My mother fretted about not having someone at the house during the day and was relieved to have us there since we're able to work from home.
Briefly, it all came to a head during our stay that my mother's stories of how difficult my grandmother was and all the hardships in interacting with her were all made-up, mis-detailed, exaggerated, alternative versions of events and that my mother was hiding a functional alcoholic lifestyle. There was a trail of neglect in the care given to my grandmother that resulted in my grandmother being rushed to ER last week where she stayed for 6 days. Through conversations with her doctors/nurses/EMT on the scene, she has not been taken to the doctor's in years, has missed all follow-up appointments regarding her stroke, her medication regimen was never refilled or maintained post-stroke recovery, and we were told that she also has/has had hypertension, COPD, and congestive heart failure. My mother visited one morning during my grandmother's stay, and spent the rest of the time in her room, drinking and passing out.
Sunday, we confronted my mother about her drinking problem and told her she needed to let us take care of my grandmother. Not a surprise that it did not go well; we believe she was drunk at the time. My grandmother was discharged shortly after this. My partner and I picked her up and proceeded to take care of prescriptions needing to be filled. We needed my grandmother's insurance cards, ID, and debit card so we spent 45 minutes negotiating via phone call/text message with my mother, who was still drunk, and not allowing us into her room to get my grandmother's cards. We made the decisions to submit a report to the elder abuse hotline for the state which they qualified as an emergency situation and had an interviewer come out within 24 hours per protocol.
Monday, the interviewer came while mother was at work, but my mother came home mid-interview and her presence was intimidating my grandmother into giving shaky, unsure answers to any inquiries. I believe the interviewer took note of this and separated them for individual interviews. The interviewer left before speaking to us again and we're not able to reach them by the phone numbers they left.
Afterwards, hospice nurse came to evaluate grandma and determined she didn’t meet hospice criteria which was confusing since this was recommended by the hospital. Well, we end up having to call the hospice care yesterday after a particularly explosive and violent refusal to take any more medication or have any help in general. The hospice director/supervisor had already disagreed with the nurse’s evaluation and was getting approval to come re-evaluate, which she did at the end of the day—her heart function and left lung is in really bad shape. The director/supervisor was not positive about her long-term health; my partner and I told her that we had no plans to be full-on caregivers as we thought my mother had been taking care of things.
My grandmother’s hostility is still amping up and down, more noticeably when my mother is present. She corralled and kept her senior dog in her room all night (who was also neglected; while she was hospitalized, we were able to get him to a vet and groomer to address issues).
Is there a way to expedite the process of her getting into a facility? We cannot provide the care she needs and my mother has fully abdicated her role.