Alcoholic, abusive Mother and Father with dementia. Any advice?

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This is the first place I have posted a question.

Here's my scenario:

My father has early onset Alzheimer's. He is dwindling rapidly. He is 76.

My mother is an angry and abusive alcoholic who refuses to go to the doctor for anything. She has severe osteoporosis and who knows what else. She is 72.

I live next door to them and see them everyday.

My father has medication and a diet he should be abiding to, but she will not allow him to take anything. She has a severe phobia about doctors and medicine. She also will not allow me to cook for them and feeds him Mac and cheese and top Raman everyday.

On top of this she is abusive. If he forgets things she yells at him, hits him and justifies it that "everyone argues". He does nothing to defend himself because I'm not sure he realizes what's happening.

If I attempt to intervene she becomes violent with me and tells me to leave her house. She screams at me and calls me a user. My husband and I had ten surgeries the last year and had been unemployed. I have just now been able to look for a job. My husband is in disability for a year. We owned a business and buzzed through our savings. They allowed us to live here rent free for a year. Prior to that we paid rent and utilities for 8 years.

They have a very good pension so are not strapped for money at all.

She has been showing signs of alcohol related psychosis the last two years: she talks to herself, full conversations, makes up fantasies and believes them and twists them into lies and has fallen into conspiracy theories as fact. She also repeats her self often forgetting that she just told you something.

Recently my father changed a lot, mostly memory, and I told her to take him to the ER. She refused for two weeks. Finally she took him tontje ER and sure enough, he had a stroke three weeks ago. The doctor told me and my husband both.

Now, weeks later, she has convinced my dad and others in the family that his stroke was months ago so that they can go out drinking. Furthermore she will not allow me to have access to his healthcare, go to to doctor with them and she has been keeping him inside unless they go to a bar.

She has a history of lying and manipulation. Worse, she believes her lies.

My husband and I need to move in a year due to the economy. I want them to come with us. She refuses.

I am afraid to leave them here because she is abusive to my father and she is clearly not making good decisions. The drinking is making this impossible. A year ago she slipped on the ice and broke her arm but refused care. Now it's permanently damaged. Months later, my father fell and could not get up at 3am and I needed to go over there and help him get interesting bed.

How difficult is it to get a guardianship? I feel I need to do this soon. She is getting big worse and if we move and they do not come I don't know what would happen to them.

I love my parents and am concerned. But we cannot afford to live be here anymore.

I am tired of crying and worrying and losing sleep.

Any advice would be helpful.

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First, I don't believe a judge who would be involved in a guardianship situation would look favorably on you living in their rental house and not paying rent. Even you said, "The last two years however they have made very bad decisions on who they rent to..." With your immediate family's medical/disability situation, that might not be for the best anyway. What I'm thinking about is reporting the situation to the Agency on Aging (or simialar) and asking for the state to step in as your father's guardian. Any inheritance is not affected, and then they are the bad guys for the alcoholic to be mad at and not you. Dad can be protected and Mom can be observed.
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This is so good to read about the new job. When you're financially dependent on someone, there's only so much you can do. It's like being in a boat that is going down. You can try to help bale it out, but ultimately you all go down together. You will have so much more ability when you get on your feet. I see a whole world of options opening to you.
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Thank you JesseBelle.

We are considering having her declared incompetent. They are not making good decisions. I have lived next door to them for 8 years and managed and maintained this fourplex as well as work my job and take care of my family. That has never been a problem. The last two years however they have made very bad decisions on who they rent to and repairs to the house.

You are right on the alcholic related dementia. She defintly has this. She will call me three times within 15 minutes sometimes not remembering the other two calls.

If the abuse was not a factor and the alcoholism I would not even be concerned. However, with the hitting, the yelling and the isolation of my father from me and the ill management of his care I am growing more and more concerned.

The issue we have with moving is that we live in Alaska. We are moving to the lower 48 4500 miles away. If we move without the guardianship we will never get one because in the state of Alaska we have to be a resident to file for one or it will require two states to get involved. It's just too difficult to do so far away.

Her abusive reactions and dementia are getting far worse the last year. I do have a brother who lives 450 miles away. He has a different father and is pretty complacent about their care and aging. He really does not want to get involved.

I want to honor them and do the right thing. I remember how they both were before.

I have a job that will be starting in two weeks. We will be on our feet in no time.

Are there any nationwide groups or support that anyone knows about. I really need a group or something I think.
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Truefreedom, this is a bit of a tricky, intertwined situation. It may be that you and your husband will need to move out first and get on your feet financially. Then maybe you can send for your father to get him away from the effect of the alcoholism. Your mother sounds like she needs some serious intervention. She sounds like she is living to drink at the present time. I learned from my alcoholic brother that, as much as people might want to help, no one is going to change an alcoholic. He/she has to want to change themselves. You can provide the opportunity for them to want to change, but the rest is on their shoulders. It does sound like your mother could be going into dementia, perhaps dementia induced by the alcohol. I wish she would want to change, but I know there is only so much you can do. Sometimes it is a blessing if the police get involved and the courts order rehab. Again, that only works if the alcoholic wants to change... but it does give the opportunity.

For yourself, I would say to get to a distant safe place away from the abuse. I hope you find work quickly and can do it. One step at a time. And I hope you can get your father away from the abuse. I don't envy what you're going through. No matter what, you are going to feel guilty. We can't save an alcoholic. We can only try to clean up some of the messes and hope they want to change.
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