Alcohol and drug addictions caused Alzheimer's, we are at a loss where to put him.

Stuff him. Your children are so compassionate. I had a crap childhood and an abusive parent with alz. I see them but I dont put a great deal of effort in. You get what your given and he has given nothing other than his sperm donation from the sounds of things.

If your husband's dementia was attributed to alcohol, he was most likely misdiagnosed with AD. Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is the most well known type of dementia associated with alcohol. It occurs from a dramatic deficiency of vitamin B1. If you catch it early enough, the Wernicke part of the disease, vitamin B1 can be directly injected into a vein for several days or even longer. The patient may recover. If it advances into Korsakoff syndrome, it is no longer reversible.

Go to YouTube and search for Korsakoff syndrome and you'll find many videos. Unfortunately, I don't think Teepa Snow has such a video. I would seek a second opinion.

I think your daughter needs to give her father emotional support only, because as a quadrapalegic, she cannot physically do too much without your help. It's unrealistic and ridiculous for him to expect anything BUT emotional support from her, or to expect ANYTHING from you, which includes helping your daughter help him. You divorced him for a reason and are now being coerced into becoming his caregiver for a disease he's brought on himself and is exacerbating himself by continuing to drink. You have to talk to your daughter about this and let her know what you are and are not willing to do to for this man, and what you feel HER role should be in his care moving forward, realistically.

I divorced my children's father in 2002 and he is a burden to them for a variety of reasons. They've learned how to set down firm boundaries with him, and they even turn off their phones at times because of his incessant calling with invented crises. He's recovered from stage 4 colon cancer, so it's not like he didn't have issues that warranted their help.....he did. But they have lives too, and he was sucking them dry. Which he's an expert at doing. He does not ask me for anything, but now I hear he's gone broke so I'm expecting a call one day asking for a return of some of the settlement money he "gave me" in the divorce. There's 3 chances of me agreeing to that....fat slim and none, and fat just left town. My point is, some people are professional victims, and your ex sounds like mine......2 pros sucking our children dry.

Coach your dear daughter to the best of your ability and pray for the best, as I do. Soon he'll be going into a SNF on Medicaid when his funds run out and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent it. He'll be taken care of there, and your daughter can go back to bei g an occasional visitor and daughter again instead of the Fixer and the Doer for the man who won't do for himself.

Wishing you and your children the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation. Sjplegacy may be correct in that your ex has been misdiagnosed with AD and he really has Wernicke Korsakoff or Wernicke Encephalopathy.....so he may want to get a 2nd opinion asap. If drug use was involved as well, the AD dx may indeed be valid.

I am uncertain why your children, who received nothing from this man, are so intent on seeing him through what could be decades of care for a self imposed illness.. That isn't my business, but I am afraid I fail to understand how someone who is, as you say tragically now a quadraplegic is at all able to "care for" someone else? Can you explain that to me. I must be missing something, as quadraplegia means paralysis from the neck down. Usually someone suffering this level of injury must herself/himself be cared for.
All of that aside, I believe "helping" at this point means enabling the care of someone who tragically has reached the end of the road in self care, and will need lifelong support. This gentlemen, were he at all a part of my life, be given into the care of the state for both care and guardianship.
I am sorry to be so tough. I saw a man's life ruined in his last years by an alcoholic partner who now still is alive (though in care, for the one who cared for him is now dead) but in care. There was nothing to do for this gentleman while my brother lived, and nothing to do for him now my brother is dead. He is in care. My brother left him funds. When those are gone he will be in the care of the state. But will likely be the "last man standing" if you know what I mean, no matter the abuse he did to his own body, nor the abuse he did to the last years of my bro, nor the abuse he leveled on others life long with his alcoholism. While I am capable of writing nice letters for the sake of my bro now gone, I do not feel much in the line of sympathy.
I am sorry your children are horrified by this thought. But I certainly would not enable them in any care of him that will put off, as you say, what is inevitable, care in a state home.
I am so sorry. Your plate is full to overflowing and is the plates of your children. This is the typical outcome.
And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE attend Al-Anon with your kids. It will help them enormously in accepting what is real life, and in understanding their own limits and in having access to all the help there is for them.
Best of luck to you all.

MIsguided compassion is what comes to my mind.

Why does your quadriplegic daughter help the sperm donor? Because she has misguided compassion.

How does she help him being a quadriplegic?

Why do you want to assist in the misguided compassion?

Step back and advise your children to do the same.

Kelly, Medicaid needs to be applied for. The state will take guardianship and see that he is placed.

Who did he gift money to?

Dear Kelly, it sounds as though your children maintained their love for their father because he was sometimes OK, but more because you didn’t complain about the fact that he was reducing you and them to penury and making life very very hard for you. I appreciate your good intentions, but the result is that they are now doing things for a ‘love’ that is misplaced. Their love should go to you for what you coped with, unknown to them.

I’d suggest that you talk to them about the reality of what he did and what you did when they were children. Compare it with what he is asking for now. Then ask for the love YOU need now. You, your son and your daughter should turn his needs over to the State. Your daughter should not waste her limited energy on someone who just keeps sucking support from other people. Her energy could be better used in voluntary work for people with her issues, which she understands from personal experience. And PLEASE hang on to your money!

Kellytalbott....please read lealonnie, taarna, and alvadeer posts again.....they have been thru so much and 2 of them are/were RNs....and the caregivers who have been thru this, will give their answers as well. I know i could not have done anything for my first husband, there was 21 long years of every kind of abuse you could imagine.....once my children were finished with high school, we got divorced, and i was harassed by him for a long time until i reported him to the police. I couldnt take it anymore. He remarried and continued his perverted lifestyle including drugs....i would not have spit on him if he was on fire, and thats the honest truth because of all he put my children an me thru.....its been since 1990 and he passed away some years ago...funny how things work out, the three people in my life that have hurt me the worst have died. I may die tomoro,but my life has been happier ....sorry this is so long, i hope you and your children have backed away from him and let him deal with the consequences of his life,,,,i wish you all the best and keep coming here....there are very wise women and men on this forum that provide very valuable information....Liz

"My children are horrified he will go to a state home but I don't have a problem with him being there."

He is an adult who made bad choices. We all make choices, and all choices have consequences. We are each responsible for coping with those consequences. Children make bad choices and parents (hopefully) intervene to help them learn to make better choices. But by the time we're adults, we have learned that when we make a bad choice, we need to pick ourselves up, learn from the mistake, and make a better choice--and no one is obliged to come to our rescue if we screw up.

And my hat is off to your daughter! Amazing how hard she works to make progress and live a wonderful life! WOW!

Your children need to recognize that their father (some are calling him "sperm donor"!) is an adult, and they need to stop babying him. Enabling his bad behavior by rescuing him from the consequences of his, um... stupidity... just perpetuates his broken state.

I noticed you said of Al-Anon, "been there, done that!" If you have an ongoing problem with an alcoholic in your life, you need ongoing support. I've been a member of Al-Anon for about 25 years. And sober in AA for about 30. These 12 Step Programs are not like a shopping mall where you go in, shop for just what you need, and drive home. They offer practical principles for effective daily living. I go to a meeting (now on Zoom) and always hear some bit of useful wisdom that I'd forgotten. It is so necessary for human beings to be a part of constructive, supportive communities. And golly gee, does it seem you need to learn more about detaching from the alcoholic with love! No one should be diminishing the quality of their own life caring for this uncooperative lout!

I have to tell you, if you were to attend Al-Anon and open AA meetings (where they welcome non-alcoholics) you would very quickly learn what options he has, and what options you have to relieve yourself of his care. Is he a veteran? The VA certainly can take care of him, maybe imperfectly, but they can.

In this time of Covid, there are Al-Anon and AA meetings on ZOOM all over the world. AA World Services offers a meeting guide https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/meeting-guide.

Al-Anon also has a directory of worldwide contacts https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/. USE THEM!

He is a manipulative, childish, drunk. Change your telephone number. If he is bored, he is an adult, let him learn to find entertainment for himself. Tell him "AA or the highway." Really. I have no patience with this sort. And neither should you! You deserve to enjoy your life fully, without being drained by some infantile psychic vampire! Got it? ;-)

P.S. The notion that he was diagnosed with Alz is medically unsound. An active alcoholic and drug addict cannot be accurately diagnosed with any sort of neurological disorder so long as they continue to drink & drug.

So he gifted monies to your son and daughter to pay for his care. (That was a huge mistake).
Is there no way to undo that gift so that he qualifies for Medicaid now?

Kelly, that can't be reversed?

If he had Community Medicaid, he might qualify for some at home aide hours and perhaps housekeeping services. Also case management.

If he got Long Term Care Medicaid, he could be in a facility where his needs would be met when he needs that level of care.

States that did Medicaid expansion when the ACA came into being often have waiver programs for folks who need NH level care but who want to stay in the community.

I can't make sense of what you are saying about "investment" and "insurance". He took out a whole life policy and named the kids as beneficiaries?

A certified Eldercare attorney (paid for with ex's money) should be able to straighten this out, or at least explain it to you all.

I am not at all certain he would qualify for Medicaid. I just don't understand the explanations.

If his INCOME (not assets) are over the limit, you can set up a Miller trust in some states, or you can spend down the amount on Medical care and the like.

If his ASSETS are over the limit, then he needs to spend those assets on his care until he is under the asset limit.

May I suggest a few things.

My history - My dad is an alcoholic and chose not to have anything to do with his children or wife going on 35 years. My mother finally divorced him a few years ago since our state does not honor legal separation.

I looked up the laws regarding caring for my father from the state's perspective. Children and separated/divorced spouses are not liable for the parent/ex-spouse's finances unless you have a business dealing that both have signed documents showing joint responsibility. Children and ex-spouses are not required to provide care for the parent/ex-spouse. Since my dad's medical and mental health issues are starting to get difficult, was a huge relief to know I have no obligations. So from my perspective, you are not responsible for caring for your ex-husband. Similarly, your children are not responsible for caring for him.

Alcoholism may cause brain damage but that may or may not lead to Alzheimer's disease. Since 75% of seniors have some Alzheimer's dementia, most likely your ex-husband has age-related Alzheimer's disease and an overlay of neurological insults from his alcoholism.

Your best option is to get him evaluated by a doctor for mental competency. If he is not deemed mentally competent, then a legal guardian should be appointed for him by the local courts. This may happen best as an inpatient in your local hospital or working with his probation officer. The legal guardian will make sure that paperwork is filed to Medicare and/or Medicaid. The legal guardian will arrange for his health care and his housing. Please contact the local authorities to take over his care.

The goal is for your children to have contact with their father per the children's wishes/desires and not to saddle them with costs of their father's poor choices.
May I also suggest that your and your children spend a little time involved in
Al-Anon - a counselling group for family and friends of alcoholics. You seem a little co-dependent in your ex-husband's problems.

Kelly, no advice to give but just want to say that after reading your initial post and all your answers that you have outdone yourself in a bad situation and managed to raise kind, compassionate children despite all the years of living with a monster. My husband grew up in similar conditions with a violent alcoholic father and I'm amazed that it never crushed him.

It is too bad that their father doesn't appreciate the outpouring of love from all of you and probably never will, but if there is a bright spot it's that the two of you have created the type of kids that the world needs more of. Take care of yourselves first and the monster second.

Kelly, no advice to give but just want to say that after reading your initial post and all your answers that you have outdone yourself in a bad situation and managed to raise kind, compassionate children despite all the years of living with a monster. My husband grew up in similar conditions with a violent alcoholic father and I'm amazed that it never crushed him.

It is too bad that their father doesn't appreciate the outpouring of love from all of you and probably never will, but if there is a bright spot it's that the two of you have created the type of kids that the world needs more of. Take care of yourselves first and the monster second.

Kelly, you need to get professionals involved. See an Certified Elder Care attorney about his financial affairs and qualifying for Medicaid now. There ARE ways around his inheritance issue.

He also needs a guardian, assigned by the State. They will be in charge of his care and his life. They have programs that allow him to stay in his home with aides coming in, paid for by the State. The best part is that they take care of everything. This will allow your children to return to just being his children, not his caretakers or subjects of abuse.

He’s not making life easy for any of you. Time to let someone else take charge.

kellytalbot: Prayers sent to you.

Wow, after reading your story I have to say that you are a wonderful lady. Raising two great kids pretty much on your own who care about their alcoholic father is nothing short of amazing. I respect that you chose the high road in regards to your ex, my mother too rarely said a bad word about our dad after divorce. That made an already difficult situation easier on us kids, in my opinion.

As many of you shared, I too grew up in an alcoholic home but it was an older sibling in my case, which damaged our family for many years. My mom took initiative in seeking treatment for my sibling early, so I had years of education before I was mature enough to understand the complexities of addiction.

In sharing that, I think my mother's proactive approach is what ultimately saved our family, but it took a lot of pain to get there. From what you've shared about your daughter she is aware of the red flags with her dad and his drinking and having a good relationship with you provides her with additional support. Here's the thing, maybe caring for her dad to the best of her ability fulfills an inner need in herself that others may not see. I am guessing she was cared for by not only yourself but by many health care professionals along the way, so perhaps this is her way of giving back in a sense. Nine times out of ten children of alcoholics want nothing to do with their parents if they are actively using.

I totally get that you want to protect your daughter. But she sounds like an amazing young woman with a compassionate heart that knows her (and her dad's) limitations.

As they say in Al-anon and AA, one day at a time. So simple yet so hard.
Things have a way of working themselves out. I was given a business card years ago, 'Good morning I am taking care of your problems today and I don't need your help. Have a nice day. Love God'

Question dates back to January.

Kelly, if he just set aside money for his care in your children's name, why can't he just get that reversed and then avoid the penalty period?

If he has legally pursed the theft from his ex, that money won't effect his eligibility for Medicaid.

I would talk to a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) and find out what options are really available, based on the facts.

Have you guys checked into board and care homes? They are way less expensive than a regular facility and they usually accept behaviors that are not acceptable in large facilities. They might be able to modify his drinking and keep it from being excessive. Well worth checking out.

Another option, let him fail and call in APS. They will intervene in serious situations where someone is putting themselves and others in danger. Then, you would have to tell your kids to let go and let the state do whatever they need to do to get him the care he needs. They couldn't step in and help in anyway, not until he has become a ward of the state. They would need to practice saying, he is not safe in my home, over and over and over. That way the state is forced to intervene on his behalf.

Your daughter sounds like an amazing woman. I can completely understand why she doesn't just walk away and tell him to wallow in what he created. Something in us makes us feel like we would be to much like the one that walked away from us and that doesn't sit well, especially when nothing could be further from the truth. You obviously raised two amazing adults and you can be very proud of them and their attitude towards their sperm donor. (I can't say dad, I think that is earned and he missed the chance.) You are obviously a great, caring mom and your family is blessed to have you.

Boundaries will be all of your best friend. As hard as it is, sometimes we have to step back for meaningful changes to happen. This sounds like a perfect example of that.

Take care, remain strong and hug your daughter for me. She is an inspiration to all.