Bella7 Asked August 24, 2017

Help At Home aide needs to clean more, but my dad won't let her. What can I do?

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Help At Home girl needs to clean more but my father won't let her. I made the call to her boss to discuss this and the worker convinced my dad to let her clean some, but there needs to be more intense cleaning not just surface cleaning. This girl that helps him has been a long time friend of his and he just wants to go run around town in her car and blow his Social Security check. Supposedly this girl, her boss and I got on the same page about what needs to be done for my father. My father is our neighbor and when he's gone with her I sneak into his little cabin to investigate and I am not pleased with what I'm seeing. He has been living back at home since early June after leaving AL... YES, he should have stayed there but it was out of my control since he's still "competent". I have silently refused to step in and help with cleaning, grocery shopping etc. since this girl is hired to help him, she can do it. I do dispense his meds which he is choosing to skip all of the time. I only interact with my dad when my husband is with me. After years of dysfunction with him and then later in life trying to build a relationship with someone who is somewhat narcissistic perhaps and a great manipulator, he uses his own emotions to try to throw me in a guilt trip which used to lead me into a path of sympathy and compassion. These last two months I've realized I have been his enabler as far as getting him anything and everything that he wants for the past year. I've come a great way of letting go of wanting to try to change him to "my" idea of how he should take care of himself and how he has chosen to live.
Now with him back home on our family property, living in a little cabin my husband built for him after we had to destroy his bedbug infested dilapidated trailer, I have stepped back and let his life continue the way it was before he had the stroke last July. At that time he was partially surviving with the bedbugs for six months at least along with mouse turds and P on everything. We paid for extermination but it was not a success because the trailer was in such bad condition it just escalated to a terrible demise, the stroke got him out of there into the hospital and destruction began. I got POA... into assisted living he went... got kinda better... holding of the cabin was in slow motion to try to keep him in assisted-living... 9 months later cabin got finished and home again home again jiggedy-jiggedy he went. Sooo, after all that, my question is here, how do I get this girl to clean his damn cabin to the perfection that I believe it should be in or do I let it turn into another stench???? The cabin is considered his even though we paid for everything entirely ourselves out of guilt of destroying his trailer and most of the contents. Do I just sit back and watch this all happen again just like I did with the bedbugs were around? I mean years before that I kept my distance from him and let him do his own thing because that's what he wanted and it turned into a big bad mess. Sometimes I can think clearly what I need to do about this and I just don't know I'm so messed up. I can't talk to my dad about this and his uncleanliness. It's getting so unsanitary in the cabin someone please tell me what to do.

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Windyridge Aug 24, 2017
If you can , figure out a way to  get him back in assited living. Yes I know, hindsight is always 20/20.

Lower your standards. A whole lot. I care for my folks long distance. I'm visiting now. Couple years ago I'd have big fights because they won't let me get any help, cleaning etc in the house.

So after fighting I'd run around like an idiot cleaning my self to death. I don't argue or clean anymore. Everyone is much happier, less stressed.
I still do the basic stuff, dishes, laundry, vacuum, gather up trash and junk. But windows, mopping, dusting, deep cleaning, no more.
If they don't care that the windows are filthy why should I.

I'm a 62 year old guy. My standards are not that high to begin with but I try  to at least  keep their place up to basic animal house standards.  I make sure the rotten food goes out, bad smells are tracked down, just basic stuff.

You have to find that balance of keeping basic hygiene and safety with old stubborn folks. Dust bunnies? Who cares....
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Agingmyself Aug 27, 2017
Bella, dear! You know he's driving you crazy, harming your marriage, and you just want to walk away from him. Do it. His problems are not your problem. Not even the problems he doesn't care about. Not even the problems he doesn't know he has. Not your problem.
He's leaving you a mess. Stop worrying about him until he looks you up and humbles himself to ask for your help--then just send him to your husband, who wants to be helpful, God bless him.
In the meantime, you are worried about real estate that you believe you have bought. That IS your problem. Take whatever contract paperwork you had for the real estate to the attorney who prepared it, tell him about the Medicaid fraud, and see what he says. Maybe the contract was done correctly. You need to be reassured. If he can't explain it to you so you can understand exactly what's going on, take the contract paperwork to another attorney who specializes in Medicaid to make sure your ownership is clear. They will probably give you a free consultation.
You don't owe this loser a thing. He probably still owes you back child support. Just leave him alone.
Now, go tell your husband how much you appreciate him loving and taking care of his family, unlike your father did, and putting up with you worrying about all this. Tell him you're sorry you got him into this mess and got mad at him over it--you are sorry, right? I know you feel like he dissed you when you were upset and looking for his help; but he's probably at his wit's end, too, and couldn't figure out what else to do, either. Don't let your dad take you away from a man who loves you and WANTS to be good to you.
Your husband is the man you need to love and bless now. He deserves it. Your dad may be more needy, but he doesn't deserve to be blessed by you; and you don't deserve the anguish of trying to give him help he doesn't even want.
If you can't drop your concern about him living in filth, report him to your county Health Department or to Adult Protective Services, and let them handle it.
If I sound harsh, please forgive me; but take my words to heart. You're worth more than you think; your own family that you chose to have deserves your love and attention.
I pray that God will bless you with peace for yourself and love and happiness in your household.
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Guestshopadmin Aug 24, 2017
Bella, is the lawyer a MEDICAID experienced lawyer or a general real estate and elder care planning one? Big difference. What you do to avoid probate about assets can really mess up a Medicaid application (transfer assets so they are out of a dying person's name but within 5 years of applying causes transfer penalty, not disclose property can cause penalty) etc.
Medicaid pays the medical and housing bills for your father while he is alive. Father pays a co-pay determined by "His Share of Cost or SOC" of his social security or income if he is in institution (assisted living that accepts medicaid, hospital or nursing home). If he's not in a facility or institution like assisted living, the share of cost he paid the assisted living is available for his needs - housing, utilities, etc. Sounds like Father is spending like a well, drunken sailor comes to mind. Remember, Medicaid is NOT a one time plan. You have to re-certify with the state after the initial application about every 1-3 years and prove that you (1) had assets below the limit each and every month (2) had income below the limits each and every month (3) didn't transfer assets like cash or property each and every month while you are on Medicaid. With computers, real estate and transfers, bank accounts, pension benefits paid, social security payments, all these are available to state agencies and dovetail into a database. They will find the transactions, if not now, later when you register the deed. Part of the original medicaid paperwork is notification that they have a right to file a "Lien" against your father's property-that you are buying so you think it's your-for benefits paid on your father's behalf while he is alive. When he dies, depending on your state's laws, Medicaid will recover the money paid for your father's care from his estate - either through probate claim or by having a lien on real estate that must be satisfied before legal ownership can transfer. Most states are hiring outside firms that do nothing except chase down money owed to Medicaid in that state after death and they are very experienced debt collectors that know what databases exist, how assets are hidden, and where to look. Make sure you get a lawyer that is experienced in Medicaid and Estate Recovery as well as elder issues and start making copies of all documents NOW. Sorry you face this.
Your father's property IS his to sell - but if he lied to Medicaid about owning it and got Medicaid under false pretenses, he may have somehow find other money to pay back money to the facilities that accepted Medicaid on his behalf to satisfy his debts. Money you paid him for the property may be viewed as "gifting" by Medicaid and add to the mess. If your lawyer was experienced in medicaid, none of this would be a surprise to you right now. Just saying.
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Bella7 Aug 24, 2017
I told my dad three weeks ago I had his insulin refilled and he needed to pick it up at Walmart with the girl that helps him since they go there every time she comes three days a week!! Two times now he hasn't picked it up and they always send it back and I have to call to get it refilled Yesterday he shows up at my house on his four wheeler blind and can't see hardly about sideswiped my vehicle, and says "I'm out of my insulin". I asked why he didn't get it at Walmart here...said "I didn't know it was there"... I did tell him two different times and he chooses to shop for other things and totally forgets about his medicine getting picked up This afternoon to help at home girl comes and he said yes I will have her take me there to get it I called Walmart and they said it goes back today again for the third time if he doesn't show up
Yes I could've went to Walmart last night to get it or went there this morning but I'm refusing to take part in this junk anymore
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Midkid58 Aug 24, 2017
Your question about cleaning his house got kinda derailed, didn't it? The bigger problem is the medicaid issue.

Get a lawyer and be totally honest and see that happens.

As far as cleaning---ugh, my FIL's house was so filthy and I cleaned as best I could, but he wouldn't let me go into some of the rooms. After he passed, I did. He has serious respiratory issues and layers of dust on everything--seriously, 1/2" deep everywhere. I burned out 2 vacuums just vacuuming the dust.

If they won't let you clean, you can't. IN the same boat with mother now. She can't see the grime, so it doesn't bother her. I gave up.

Good luck with the Medicaid mess---that's worse than the physical mess.
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Agingmyself Sep 5, 2017
Stay strong, girl. You are in the right. Enough of him! Let him go. The home health folks will figure out what to do with him.
Not your problem.
You--find a new hobby.
Seriously--find something you enjoy doing, something that brings you pleasure, and concentrate on that A LOT. Give yourself and your home and family all your lovin'. They need and deserve it.
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freqflyer Aug 24, 2017
Bella7, is your Attorney an "Elder Law" Attorney? If not, time to find one and make an appointment.... these attorneys know the ins and out of Medicaid for the State, where a regular non-specialized Attorney would not.
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Guestshopadmin Aug 24, 2017
Bella, YOU are not the one who might lose or not be able to get Medicaid. It's your FATHER. This is why you need a lawyer - to see if the property sale to you and husband will hold up in court later. To see what the financial implications of your father's care already received might be if Medicaid is denied. To check out the paperwork received by the assisted living, the prescription providers, the doctors in order to figure out HOW MUCH money might be at risk and how best to handle it. If you have not transferred deeds or registered ownership, how to protect property that you bought in good faith from your father that might be sought after as a judgment if Medicaid claws back payments and the facilities send bill collectors after your father who lives on YOUR property. If any of Dad's money was used for cabin, what will your rights still be? If you left any property in father's name for property taxes, etc. you need legal help. If your father files federal or state income tax returns, he needed to report the profit as income, if any, from the sale of the property to you and husband if he got a profit on the sale--installment sales are not paid all at once, but the income from them is taxable as the money is received-special form on 1040 returns just for reporting that kind of income. If he doesn't file tax returns, your father might have needed to. And if he filed with the IRS and owed income tax on profit from sale without reporting the income from the property sale? PLEASE consult a lawyer. Medicaid and elder care certified with connections to certified public accountants with tax prep experience, possibly bankruptcy attorney connections. At worst? Your father will become a ward of the court as a disabled/vulnerable elder; his assets will be seized including any real property; and a guardian will be appointed to administer his care. Father will not be left to linger in filth in a cabin/trailer by a guardian with a private caregiver. Father will be institutionalized, and his money will be used for nursing home and guardian fees. If father holds property mortgage or sale is determined to be in any way abusive sale to compromised elder, the state/guardian may pursue getting the property returned to seller or the selling price adjusted if it was "under market". Maybe this is an extreme example - but it seems like things frequently go worst case with your father. If you want him to stay in cabin without being Medicaid eligible? then, yes, any money above what Father has will come out of your pocket. Brutal truth. Please talk with competent legal counsel.
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Bella7 Aug 29, 2017
The money he "puts away" gets spent, believe me, with his debit card.
Getting his meds for him certainly wouldn't "kill me", I always did, and paid for them, until this month. The drive from our homes to Walmart is 45 min. Dad and "helper" are at Walmart 3 days a week...seems sensible to me they pick them up.
We have not bought property yet, re-appraisal happened yesterday. Husband happened to be in area when appraiser showed up so came home to show him survey stakes (lotsa woods) and to tell dad the guy was here and he needed in the cabin. Husband looked through the window first, (after he and appraiser got a view of dad's hand washed stained underwear air drying on the porch swing and exercise bike) and could see straight into the open bathroom door, And scrubba dub dub oldmandad in the bath tub! Geesh. Those underwear were there for 3 days.  I can see them from the road.   2 weeks ago I told helpers boss I would no longer be doing his laundry ) I was dragging it to my house in my car...too much poo, etc...) boss told me helper can do it at laundry mat, not a problem and would relay message to helper. I will call boss today to get an update. I refuse to  communicate with the help of friends mainly because I don't trust her to not tell my dad when I'm asking her about.  
Help at Home helper gets paid by Medicaid which he loses Sept. 1st. He's been denied...failed to reveal when signing up in 2009 that he had property other than his home giving dad the freedom to fail, yes...and sad. We have given him so many opportunities to thrive with his health, financials, and showing him real love.

Yes, we tried, very much.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Thank you friends for caring.
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Guestshopadmin Aug 24, 2017
I understand, Bella. But those of us from dysfunctional family situations and with narcissistic parents have trouble differentiating our situation from our parents/family members. I constantly have to remind myself that my best friend's dramas are of her own making, her own health choices, and I can't fix them or her long term even though I am like a sister to her, I cannot fix it for her.
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